What comes in 5 minute increments and is marginally less painful than shoving sharp objects in your eye repeatedly? Give up? Speed dating!!!
I was going to compare it to shooting fish in a barrel, but thought that just sounded lame. For those lucky enough not to know what speed dating is, it’s a series of ‘dates’ where awkward men come up to you and chat inanely for 5 minutes before moving on. I wasn’t nervous as I can pretty much talk to a wall. I prefer not to talk to walls as it mainly earns me odd looks from people, but what can ya’ do? Unfortunately, I might have preferred talking to drywall Wednesday night as the biggest ‘connections’ I made were with 2 other females that showed up for the event. Minds out of the gutter people. I don’t mean that sort of connection. They were just nice and friendly and frankly, more attractive than ALL of the guys. Combined.
I debated whether or not to cancel as I was tired but I opted to ‘just do it’ (thank you pithy Nike commercial). I showed up in an awesome little t shirt dress and strappy sandals and looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. I won’t give you the rundown on how amazingly unorganized the entire event was as no one really cares about that crap, but I will give you a rundown of all the stellar ‘dates’ that I went on. Or more accurately; endured. There were 19 women that showed up for the event and a whopping 12 guys. Which was about 11.5 guys too many.
Remember how I was worried about being the oldest one there as the age cut off was 45? Yeah, well most of the guys and a few of the women took some creative liberties with their age. Yey. Just like internet dating! So you know the drill; sit and chat with some guy for 5 minutes and when the bell rings, you switch. Sometimes you feel like 5 minutes isn’t nearly long enough and wish you had more time, others, 5 minutes seems like an eternity. It was mostly the latter.
I was assigned number 11 and was seated at a table at the end of the room facing in, so I could see every other speed dating table and thus be able to see who was headed my way. I guess so I could gauge how big a swig of my Absolute Soda I would need. In your five minute ‘mini dates’ you’re supposed to find out as much as possible about the guys and try to see if there is any interest. As I’m a fairly superficial bitch, I knew by looking at the men that there wasn’t much interest on my part so instead of the awesomely soul searching ‘what do you do for a living’, ‘where do you live’, ‘what do you do in your spare time’ questions, I just bullshitted with them. Mainly to keep myself entertained.
1st there was Sasha. A 28 year old data entry guy who spoke broken English and mumbled. No clue why he was in the 35-45 year old group, but he said he had tried his age group and ‘it didn’t work’. I didn’t ask.
Next there was Alex. A 4’10” Greek man. Who proceeded to ask me what I was looking for in a relationship while I just kinda looked at him thinking ‘really’? I could have been an uber bitch and said ‘well Alex, I’m looking for a tall man who speaks English fluently’ but I didn’t. I gave my patented bullshit response of ‘someone who makes me laugh’.
Next was Mike. A very nice man from England. Sorry, a very nice 65 year old man from England. A very nice 65 year old man from England who hates his job. Yey.
Then there was Seth. Seth was a funny and entertaining chiropractor. Although he was not hugely offensive to look at (I know, I’m a peach), he had the oddest hairline. Very high up on his forehead and straight across. Kinda disconcerting.
After that was Shaun. Shaun kinda stumbled up the steps, said ‘watch my fucking sheet’, slapped his top secret ‘yes or no’ chart on the table and wove his way to the bathroom. When he got back, he went to the bar for another drink. Darn the luck, right when he got back to me, the bell rang. Thanks for playing Shaun. You will be marked a big fat NO. Oh wait, the bell didn’t ring until after he pointed out one of the other female speed daters and whispered, at the top of his lungs, ‘that one is a fucking bitch’. Uhm……thanks.
Then there was the little man with piercing blue eyes and the worst hairpiece I have ever seen. If he was a day under 65, then I must be 12.
The chubby Asian guy was next. Don’t really recall what we spoke about. Oh well.
There was Walter who had a sparkling set of fake teeth and very pronounced lisp.
There was Roberto who had really cool hair and thought he was Don Juan.
Brian was a darling architect originally from Boston. A good conversationalist, a snazzy dresser and all of about 5’2”. Oh, and with the most fucked up teeth I’ve seen in a long time. If I was about a foot shorter, I may have actually given him a ‘yes’ as the other guys set the bar just that low for him.
The whole speed dating idea is to take notes on the guys as you talk to them (and they’re supposed to do the same for you) and then at the end, you mark either yes or no. If you mark yes for a guy who also marks yes for you, then it’s a mutual match and you get e mailed their contact information the next day. Being the ginormous busy body that I am, I looked at every guy’s sheet to see that the majority had marked yes for almost every woman. Kinda like hedging their bets. Now not to toot my own horn, but there were women in all shapes and sizes there last night. Spanning from 35 up to 60 (at least). Of varying nationalities. It’s one thing to have an open mind and give everyone a chance, but really?!?
Sadly, I have not received an e mail notifying me of my mutual matches. I’m guessing mainly because I marked every single guy a no. Whoopsie.
So yes, speed dating was a bit like shooting fish in a barrel ……. If the fish in the barrel were chum. You know, that gross crap that fishermen use …