The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

It’s Like Riding A Bike ……….. In Circles June 16, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:01 pm
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Dating is like riding a bike, right?  No, dammit, not that kind of bike ride.  Although I certainly could use one of those.  Or 12.  Damn, I miss college. 😉  As I sit at happy hour waiting for a new friend to meet me (female…, I look around and feel not only old, frumpy, fat and amazonishly tall (although I don’t think I’m really any of the aforementioned), I wonder how much harder it can be to meet a good guy.  Not just any good guy, mind you; a good guy FOR ME.  They seem to be a rarity in this town.  Yeah, I know, so what’s so special about me, right?  Besides being tall, blonde, not entirely hideous to look at, I’m responsible, own my own business, am reasonably happy and funny and kind of neurotic and spastic.  Those last 2 are just bonuses. 🙂

I’ve been in love exactly 3 times in my life.  And only one was based on entirely realistic expectations.  And it took me 43 years to meet him.  And exactly 5 days for him to decide that although yes, he loves me, it’s just not in that way.  😦  As of 4:59pm on Friday night, I’m still not over it.  And I have the bad attitude and hidden online dating profile to prove it.  Thing is, I still don’t believe him.  I still think that at some point in time he’s going to remove his head from his handsome ass and realize that I’m his one.  Even as I write this I know several of you are contemplating throwing your computers out the window and possibly calling me a litany of names that rhyme with fucking idiot.  I know.  Believe me, I know.  If I listened to anyone else in the world whine like I do about TD, I’d wonder what sort of medication they needed to be on as it’s written, clear as day.  He doesn’t want me.  How can I fully acknowledge that fact yet still not believe it?

As will come as a shock to absolutely no one, I have NOT stuck to my guns and cut off all contact with TD.  I tried.  And failed.  Again.  I think I lasted close to 3 weeks this time.  Yey me.  While there has been much less contact (physical and otherwise) this time around and absolutely NO inappropriate behaviour, I almost had myself convinced that I could do this friendship thing.  Yup, for a smart gal I’m a bit of a moron.  Way before our last ‘breakup’ (what are we up to now, 4?) he had invited me to visit him at his summer house at a wonderfully beautiful place on a lake.  Needing a vacation not to mention a vacation on the water AND pretty much all expenses paid aside from the plane ticket, I agreed.  And bought my ticket.  And then waffled back and forth about whether to actually go or not.  That was several months ago.  I am supposed to go on Friday.  For a week.  With he and his kids and a couple of the kids’ friends.  As I’m deluded as hell and thought this awesome ‘friendship thing’ was working (I only went nuts one time when I knew he was out with someone, aren’t you proud of me), I figured why not?

So they’ve been up there for a week and a half already.  With my suitcase as TD is so ridiculously nice that he didn’t want me to have to bother with luggage as I run to catch my flight on Friday.  As they were driving, they may as well just take it with them when they left; so they did.  The kids are awesome about posting pics on the facebook (the root of all evil) and it looks like they’re having a great time.  I wish I was there with them.  Each day I look at the pictures and wish I was in them.  I miss them more than I expected to and more than I wished I did.  I love looking at the pictures though.  Oh wait, who is that blonde on the boat with TD and his son on Sunday?  Certainly not me!  I asked him who it was, although I had no right to, and he told me that it was some lady from where we live that’s a photographer and whom he met on the beach and she wanted to take some pictures so they invited her on the boat.  Hmmmmm.  Then I see pictures from Wednesday of all of them on the beach having a bbq and who is off to the side?  Same blonde.  I look closer at the picture and realize that I sort of recognize her.  Not from knowing her personally, but from TD’s less than impressive list of friends on FB!  I go back thru the pics and see her in ones from every day last week.  Every. Single. Day.  Well gee now, that doesn’t make much sense, does it?  Of course I questioned him on it again and he finally came clean.  It was some lady that he had gone on ONE date with off of match the day before he left town.  Uhm, well what the hell is she doing on your family vacation then, right?  He swears up and down that he didn’t invite her, yet he had told her where he’d be and she conveniently had that week for vacation and booked a room at the lodge on the same property as his townhouse.  How convenient.  And stalker-ish.  I mean really, while I’m certain he didn’t discourage her from coming up there, who the hell follows after some guy that they went on one date with?  And while I know some of you are saying it must have been more than one date, it really wasn’t.  Well now it certainly has been.  Now they’re up to about 7.  TD and I have been going back and forth for 2 days about this.  About his lying (he did).  About how it doesn’t protect my feelings to be lied to (it doesn’t).  About why the hell some new lady is already interacting with his kids (she is).  About how I really have NO reason to be upset (i don’t).  How I have every reason to have my feelings hurt (i do).  About how he had no idea that pictures were being taken that showed her (doesn’t matter).  How it would make it awkward as hell for me to come up there now (it will).  How I feel a bit ambushed by seeing the pictures before he could/would tell me (i do).   About why the hell I’m still upset (duh).  He should be able to do whatever he wants, right?  Right.

Damn, I guess this friendship thing isn’t all I want.  I guess I am still holding out hope.  I guess I can’t handle having him in my life in any capacity and be able to get over him.  He’s been incredibly sweet about it and feels like a big piece of shit (he should) but says things kind of snowballed.  No, he didn’t invite her up there but he didn’t dissuade her either.  How she was only supposed to be up there for 3-4 days and it magically turned into 7 (she told him some bullshit story about how if she booked 4 days, she got 3 free? Yeah, right).  How if it really bothered him, why the hell did he keep inviting her to do things with them?  He doesn’t have answers for any of these things.  He’s really just that clueless.  He is at the point now in dating (after a whopping 4 months) that he feels after running away from 3 women now whom he probably could have at least tried a relationship with, that he need to force himself to try to not run.  Uhm, I’m thinking he needs to run from this one.  I’m not thinking that someone who shows up on your vacation after one date is the right choice, but since I don’t think anyone would be the right choice (aside from me, of course), I have no right to say anything other than to point out the glaring red flags in ALL of this.

Anyway, there is more to say, but as I was boring the heck out of my new friend last night with this ridiculous story, the topic of my blog came up.  And I told her that I hadn’t been posting much as I was tired of being judged and being thought of as an idiot (no need to do that people, I do it plenty myself).  To be perfectly honest, I am embarrassed that I’m back here again.  That’s kinda stupid though.  This is my blog and it’s a journal of my life.  To look back on some day (with a huge cocktail) and shake my head in wonder at how the hell I ended up the way I am.  I haven’t been posting much because I felt bad about lying.  Not only to the both of you those of you that still bother to check in on me, but to myself.  So there, I’ve written it.  For both of you  all the world to see.  I’m a moron.  And yes, stay tuned to see if I actually go for my free vacation and at what point in time I break up with him again.  For good.  Shall we start a pool and take bets?

Oh, and just for the record ………. I’m taller, blonder, younger and prettier than ‘she’ is.  And as nuts as I am sometimes, there’s no way in hell I’d show up on some guys family vacation after just one date.  I’m not that crazy. 😉


10 Responses to “It’s Like Riding A Bike ……….. In Circles”

  1. you're just a dumb ass Says:

    A friend of mine said “Listen, we all date assholes till we meet the right one.” At the time I thought it was a harsh statement, but he’s right. Not that the people I date are assholes; because who we choose to date is a reflection of who we are and what we think we want. While dating, we are really testing out the combination of qualities, characteristics, and life desires we are looking for. We discover the things that we thought we wanted might not be what we need.

    • Thanks YJADA (I would shorten it but just calling you dumb ass, but that just seems rude ;-)). While I would never call TD and asshole, he certainly is a dipshit sometimes. I agree that wants and needs change over time. I’m hoping you’re right and the man that I NEED comes knocking on my door soon and erases my ridiculous attachment to the one that I want …..

      • you're just a dumb ass Says:

        Lol thanks for not calling me a dumb ass 🙂 GG I am confident that you will find a healthy relationship soon!
        Either TD will balance out his dipshitness w/compromise or you will walk away and walk right into a new relationship 🙂
        Looking forward to reading about your developments!

  2. lifeandothermisadventures Says:

    I am sorry, seriously. I really wish this guy would shape up for you.

  3. Serena Says:

    Hi GG, don’t be so hard on yourself! First of all, how’s life other than this? Lol 🙂

    I check on you a lot, although I am in my own sorta wishy washy way over the one I love (now ex). We’ve separated, then gotten back together who knows how many times. We love each other to death and finally came to terms and are taking it one day at a time. He’s thousands of miles away and we will see each other the end of August or early September and re-evaluate things.

    I feel for you girl… need to hide away and stop posting though. I miss your craziness, and I mean that in the best of ways, lol.

    About TD, I completely understand why you have been unable to let go. I wish it was easier for you, as it seems like you’re headed down a path that just keeps getting narrower, but you do what you have to do.

    I just wanted to say one thing about this whole vacation thing. IF what TD is telling you about this woman is the truth, than if she forced her way into their family vacation, she will definitely force herself in front of you….to get to him. And what will his response be? Will you end up being the thrid wheel? And, if so, will you be okay with this? I don’t think TD is being very considerate of your feelings at all….then again, as you know, this has been obvious to you for a while.

    I think on Friday you’ll be headed to the airport with the highest of hopes for your time with him and his kids, but just take care of YOURSELF first and foremost.

    And if that other less-than-stellar-to-you blonde tries to step on your toes, put your stilletos on and kick her ass into the lake. Then take a picture and post it on FB 🙂

    And don’t disappear….keep us updated because those who care will support you in any way, and those who don’t can just go away.


    • Hi Serena! Sorry to hear about the ups and downs with your love, but hopefully the ups are outweighing the downs. One day at a time is a good way to go and I’ll keep good thoughts!!!

      I appreciate your thoughts and understanding. No one could make me feel like a bigger idiot than I already do, so thanks for not going there. 🙂 ‘The Photographer’ actually left today. Or at least was supposed to. I asked TD if he was importing any other women this week that I should know about and he said no. Believe you me, if she were there when I was there, I wouldn’t hesitate to knock her stupid stalker ass over-board and assert my position in the ‘pecking order’. She’s new ……. this is my faux family. And honestly, I don’t think TD would put her in front of me. As lame and absolutely clueless as he apparently is, he knows friends like me are hard to come by and he doesn’t have that many.

      I’ll try to post more. Nothing too exciting going on……..

  4. lafinwitu65 Says:

    “The heart wants what the heart wants”

    I can never judge, Been there and done that.

    You cant have the specatacular highs in life without the bone crushing, heartbreaking lows.
    Be hopeful and optimistic, I have seen way too many angry and bitter profiles online. Dont go there.

    This too shall pass and you will be in a store, bar, parking lot coffee shop. etc….
    and some awesome guy will take your breathe away and see the awesomeness within.

    • Thanks so much. No worries about bitter profiles online; I am a fairly good actress. 🙂 And yes, the heart wants what the heart wants, however I wish my heart and my head were a bit more in sync….

      Here’s hoping that this awesome guy comes out of hiding for me soon! 🙂

  5. […] and I know almost all of it is related to her. Just like we had similar issues when it came to The Vacation Crashing Whore. I will certainly take the blame for a lot of that, but not all of it. You tell me that you are OK […]

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