The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

So This Is What It Feels Like To Be On American Idol…… June 21, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:08 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

By the sheer volume of people lined up, at first I thought the circus was in town.  Alas it was just everyone waiting their turn to let me know, some in greater detail than others, what an idiot I am.  I really could have saved everyone the effort.  I know.  Hi, my name is GG and I am the world’s biggest dumbass.  Happy now?  I guess until you’re actually in someone else’s shoes, you never really know.  I’m a very strong and independent person.  I am somewhat confident in my looks, personality and intelligence.  I am also fairly confident that none of the aforementioned come into play when your heart is involved.  Did I really think TD would choose me in the end?  You bet.  Did I put up with far more than anyone ever should?  You bet.  Do I regret most of this year?  You bet.  Who knew I was a hopeless romantic.  Or glutton for punishment.  I think the 2 might be interchangeable.  I thought I had the friendship thing down.  I thought I would be okay with that.  For now.  Yes, TD led me on horribly last year and right up through February.  Since then, though, he’s been nothing but honest with me.  I am the one that chose not to listen.  While I will still never be able to think anything other than the best regarding him, this past week has brought out a side of him that I not only dislike, but that I’m unfamiliar with.  For that I guess I should thank The Vacation Crashing Photography Whore.  Nice name, huh?  This woman who thought it was okay to show up on TD’s vacation, lie to his kids and integrate herself into their lives after ONE date brought out a side in TD that I am hugely disappointed in.  He could have put a stop to it all.  He didn’t.  He could have NOT invited her to join them in so many activities.  He didn’t.  He chose to put her feelings ahead of mine and those of his kids.  That’s not acceptable to me.  Nope, he doesn’t owe me anything, but hell if I’m going to let someone lie to me.  I do that enough to myself.

So here’s where we stand.  I AM going to the lake to stay with them (shut up).  I deserve a vacation.  I have never had a bad time with he and his kids and this trip will be no different.  We will sleep in different rooms.  There will be no crossing of lines or boundaries.  There hasn’t been since February anyway, so no biggie.  I will lock away every memory that I can from this coming week because at the end of it, well, is the end of it.  This time is different from all the others that I’ve said I’m going to cut off all ties with him.  In the past I did it because I felt I needed too.  While I still feel that way, there is the addition of now wanting to.  I do not like this deceptive side of TD that came out last week.  It’s disappointing and makes me question so many things that I thought I knew about him.

I know he feels awful.  Too bad.  I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me.  Too bad, he has and continues to do so.  I am the one at fault for putting up with it for so long.  This whole time I thought he was trying to ‘have his cake and eat it too’.  Guess what?  I was doing the same thing.  We’re both wrong for that.  As hard as it will be, when we get back to town, we will be done.  For good.  I’ve cried more this week and this year than I ever thought possible.  I’m tired of crying.  I’m getting dehydrated and I’m tired of being unhappy.  No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow so although yes, he’s at fault, I’m the one to blame for allowing it to go on for so long.  The fact that he could choose to risk his heart with someone like that sort of confirms that he would never have chosen me.  I would never in a million years do the things that this woman has done.  And he seems to be okay with it.  He sees all the bad decisions that he made last week, but doesn’t find much fault with her lying and deceit.  Wow.  We couldn’t be more different.  Want to know how I know she lied about everything?  Poor gullible TD told me that her trip ‘grew’ from 4 days to 8 due to a promotion the lodge was having.  Uhm, excuse me, but why would a resort lodge, on the water, during summer have a promotion that says if you book off days (sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday), we’ll give you our busy high rate days for free (thursday, friday, saturday)?  They wouldn’t.  I was in the hotel business for years and that shit just doesn’t happen.  I hate liars.

Then again, I’ve been the biggest liar of all.  To myself.  I’m really not as dumb as I appear.  No, really.  I clearly saw the writing on the wall.  I just chose not to acknowledge it.  For those of you judging me for going to spend one last week there with a family that I love instead of just ending things now………kindly shut up.  I deserve a vacation.  On a lake.  With people who I know I like spending time with.  Besides, I want to be able to spend time with the kids and be able to give them a proper goodbye instead of just up and disappearing like I did those times (yes, plural) before.  This is another reason why I know this good-bye will ‘stick’.  I would never lie to his kids or play with their emotions.  Once I say goodbye to them and let them know how amazing they are and how sorry I am and how much I’ll miss them, it will be real.  And permanent. 😦


4 Responses to “So This Is What It Feels Like To Be On American Idol……”

  1. lafinwitu65 Says:

    Sometimes your heart and head will never agree, I think its way better to love with all you have and have it fail spectacularly than to be safe. Nothing wrong with following your heart. Have fun you deserve it. You will always know that you gave it everything you had.

    oh and just make sure you take all of your sexiest outfits and show him what he will be missing out on.

    • Thanks Laf. You’re right about the whole ‘you can’t win if you don’t play’ thing. I just hope I’m able to bounce back when I get home. And hell yes I’m bringing some great outfits! ;-p

  2. silly_G Says:

    Enjoy the vacation and the kids. Big step… stay strong.

  3. I had a similar situation with a gal and her kids. It’s very hard completely break it all off. I commend you for being honest with them and yourself. Honesty builds character. Stay strong!

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