So I did end up going to visit TD and his family at the lake last week. What is it they say about karma? Oh yes, that it will always bite you in the ass. I do believe I’m living proof of that. I was still waffling back and forth on whether or not to go but opted to selfishly go because a) I needed a vacation b) I deserved a vacation c) the ticket was already paid for d) I wanted to spend one last week having a great time with everyone. Sadly, I had kinda forgotten that TD was doing a major renovation on his place while he was up there and was way behind (probably due to spending too much time with the vacation crashing whore the week prior), so against his protests, I ended up doing drywall and painting most of the time. We still managed to have some fun several of the days, but mainly it was hard work. I couldn’t feel right about going to lay on the beach knowing that things would not get finished on time if I didn’t help, so I helped. And things got finished. In more ways than one.
When I was packing up the last day, I came across a bag of TD full of father’s day stuff and looked. Not sure why I did that, but this whole situation has brought out character flaws in myself that I never thought existed. Amongst the cards from the kids (and one from the vacation crashing whore) were a packet of pictures. As I figured they would be fun ones from father’s day, I looked. Big mistake. We all know that TD had lied not only to me, but to his kids about who the VCW was (short for vacation-crashing-whore) and as silly teenagers, they were out to prove that the VCW wasn’t who TD claimed she was by spying on him one night. Yup, the pictures were of a ‘date night’ that they had together. She was in some sort of ridiculously fancy strappless poofy cocktail dress and heels and he was dressed nicely as well. The pics were of him picking her up at her room, of them watching the sunset together and a few other choice events. In all, they had their arms linked and looked very cozy. I certainly didn’t need to see that.
Anywhoo, I did pretty well throughout the trip to not let TD know what was coming. Then I hit the proverbial wall and felt I needed to let him know. So I did. 2 days before we left. As we talked and cried on the beach he asked if I still planned on driving back home with them. Oh, whoopsie. There goes my dramatic exit and driving my point home by hopping on a plane and leaving as I still planned on driving home with them. Geez, I can’t even get this part right.
We honestly had a great time while I was there. Aside from being covered in drywall compound and paint, we had some good times. And memories that I will cherish. We went gambling and out dancing twice while I was there. I had never before seen TD dance nor did I even know he enjoyed it. While he’s a pretty crappy dancer, I loved that we did it and I had a blast. We toured the lake on his boat. We took a sunrise cruise. We went to some of his favorite restaurants and he got to show me ‘his’ town. Sadly throughout I knew that I was the 2nd person that he’d shown ‘his town’ to in just as many weeks. 😦 As is par for the course, whenever we were out or alone and away from the kids, he was very affectionate and sweet. I was able to kid myself for most of the time that things were okay although I knew that they weren’t.
We got back yesterday afternoon and while he drove the kids’ friends home, I asked for TD’s kids to stay back so I could talk to them. I had debated when to actually tell them. I honestly wanted one last ‘perfect’ night with all of them, but knew that it would just be a fantasy as none of this has been perfect or in any way how I envisioned having to end things with TD. So while TD took the friends’ home, I talked to the kids. And told them how amazing I thought they were. And how their dad is an amazing guy. And how he’s my best friend and I am his. How it hurt my feelings to know that he was dating around and how it made me very sad. How I was tired of being sad and although I had tried my hardest to figure out another way, the only thing I could come up with in order to try salvage my self respect and find my ‘happy’ again, was to leave. I wanted to make sure they knew it had nothing to do with them and in fact, they were a huge part of why I stayed for so long. I let them know that the majority of my memories from the past year were wrapped up in them and they were good ones. Of course, being the ginormous crybaby that I am, I cried throughout. As did TD’s 15 year old son. His 17 year old daughter was oddly stoic, but that’s just how she is. TD’s son tried to come up with alternatives to my leaving and suggested that I try dating others. As sadly sweet as his suggestion was, I told him that although I had tried, that no one had measured up to his dad. I’m not exactly sure of what all I said and hope that I said the right things, but who knows.
None of this is how I envisioned it. TD came back towards the end of the conversation and we all sat around awkwardly for a few minutes before I asked for him to take me home. Both of the kids gave me hugs and told me they loved me, as I did them and then I left. For good. It broke my heart to do so and will take a good long while before I’m over it, but it needed to be done. Of course TD and I talked and cried the whole way home. He helped bring my things in and stayed for quite some time to talk. I thanked him for everything as he did me. I told him that I wasn’t sure what I was going to do without him, as he did me. I apologized for everything, as he did me. I think he knows that this time is for good. I told the kids. I would never have done that in the past as I sort of knew all the other times weren’t for good (there, I admitted it). This time is. All the other times I did it because I thought I needed to, this time is different in that not only was it something I needed to do, but that I wanted to do. It just wasn’t working anymore. I am too sad too much of the time. TD said that the only way he would be able to make it through is to know that we will meet up again sometime in the future. I told him that the only way that would ever happen is if he changed his mind about me before I changed my mind about him.
I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to do this. I slept for 12 hours last night and have spent most of today either in bed or posting pictures to FB (while crying of course). I don’t care what anyone says about that. This family was MY family for the past year and I’ve just broken all of their hearts by walking away. How do I know this? Well not only did TD’s son send me a lovely (and long) message on FB today, but so did one of the friends from the trip. And TD even commented on my sappy status update. He’s never done that before. While I am quite positive that the time will come that I will ‘unfriend’ him, the time just isn’t right now.
That family holds a huge piece of my heart and although I would give anything to be with them for the next 50 years, it’s time for me to move on…………..
I just hope that I can 😦