Yup, that’s what everyone at job #2 asked me this morning. I did pretty well regarding not busting out in tears, but got tired of saying ‘could have been better’, so just shared the whole fucked up story with everyone. I’ve never actually seen a room full of adults staring blankly at me with their mouths hanging open. Nice. In a totally pathetic kinda way. *sigh*
So today has been pretty tough. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve stopped myself from e-mailing TD (because I once again erased his number from my phone) on several occasions. I refuse to cave this time. It’s just not good for me. TD’s son messaged me on FB this afternoon and ‘tagged’ me in a bunch of pictures that he posted. Funny, every single picture of me and his dad were of us standing very close with his arm around me. Uhm, mixed signals anyone? Anyway, the pictures were kinda awesome and I loved seeing them. I will love it even more if the Vacation Crashing Whore sees them as well.
If you recall, I befriended a female friend of TD’s before I left town. We went to a match.com mixer thingie and had a great time. TD has always described her as neurotic and intense but I just really liked her. She knew what I was going to do after my trip and called to check in on me tonight. Of course, I started crying. She was very sweet and supportive. She told me how awesome I am and how I deserve someone who worships the ground I walk on and puts me first. She is fully aware of what an unusually close friendship TD and I have and she thinks he’s pretty great too. After all, she was his friend first. That’s why it came as a total shock to me when, mid support lecture, she told me that she hoped that I stay away from TD for my own good. She knows I’m in love with him and knows that he’s not in love with me. She knows he loves me, just not the same way. What she didn’t know, that I kinda suspected no one does, is that we’ve remained kinda intimate since last November. Yes, in an off and on fashion, but he has flat out denied it to her in the past. Hmmmmm. So I told her something that I haven’t told you
2 all. We were *ahem* close up at the lake as well. I don’t know if it’s because I knew it would be the last time and/or he suspected it would be the last time, but it was pretty amazing. In a way that it hasn’t been before. As I’ve never wanted to be a FWB, and I’m pretty damn sure he’s not that guy, the fact remains that he is a guy. I can’t read anything into physical actions and I didn’t. I knew it would be the last time. And it was a damn good last time. No, really.
Who knows? If he ever changes his mind down the road, we’ll see, but I really don’t think that will happen. It’s up to me to change MY mind regarding him. While I hope that I can get to a place where ‘just friends’ is enough, I am doubtful of that either. It’s been a roller coaster year, but I know that I deserve better. I also know that while I’m at home being all sappy, he’s probably out with the VCW, so I’m a big dummy.
I have reactivated my match profile. Updated my pictures. Even sent out 2 ( TWO ) e-mails tonight (try not to pass out). And I’ve made plans to go to the movies with my new friend (she needs a name) tomorrow night. See? I’m doing good, right? RIGHT?