As I was doing my odd packing, throwing everything away that’s not nailed down thing a couple of weeks ago (which, by the way, did not help to make me feel like I had control over the chaos that is currently my life), I came across my photo albums. I have tons. I love pictures. Not pictures of scenery or stuff, but pictures of people. People are what I like to document and remember. Hell, I used to run around during college on an average night out (and by average, I mean every single night of the week) with my camera and tell people that I was on the yearbook committee just so I could get them to do silly things. It didn’t hurt using my bullshit line on all the hot guys either. Shhhh, don’t judge. Needless to say, I have tons of pictures. Of friends, of strangers, of vacations, of house parties, of bar nights, of whatever the heck was going on. And believe me, I had a shitload of fun during all of them. Club Med vacations dating back to when I was 16. Spring breaks in Mexico. Family vacations. Solo vacations. I have lived a very good life. I love to travel and have done what I need to in order to be able to do that. I struggle with money at times (thus the 2nd job), but will always splurge on food, friends and travel. Oh, and cocktails.
As I looked back at all my pictures, there was a common theme. I was damn happy. I was the center of attention. I was fun and carefree and never afraid to make a complete ass of myself. I have huge smiles (and teeth) in all my pics. I got to see pictures of friends that I had long since forgotten. Of damn cute guys that used to fall all over themselves to get my attention. Of wonderfully cute and sweet boys that I dated (and inevitably dumped). None of these vacations or friendships came easily. I have covered up my inherent shyness by being loud and boisterous. I have worked damn hard for everything that I have. I got my 1st job when I was 15, worked my way through college and have pretty much worked every day since then. Hell, I’m 44 and I now work TWO jobs. I don’t take anything that I have for granted. Aside, apparently, from people. How is it that I could have had a million friends, an overabundance of boyfriends and guy friends, never an empty spot on my calendar, invitations to every party going on and yet still end up alone? I am a hugely social person. The funny thing about that is that I’m actually an introvert at heart. Quite the dichotomy. Someone who enjoys their alone time, but also feels better when she’s around people. I refer to myself as an ‘extroverted introvert’. It’s not always easy for me to walk into new situations and not be a nervous wreck or want to hide in the corner (thus the cocktails). I used to be able to hide this fact fairly easily and no one was the wiser. At heart, I am not a ‘joiner’. I will not walk into a group that I don’t know and join in. I won’t join clubs or social groups. I never had to. I was always able to make friends and people would want to just join us in whatever we were doing. I never had to search for something to do. Until now.
If nothing else, my whole year long whatever it was with TD showed me that I’m happiest when being around, and taking care of, other people. I’m a nurturer by nature. Okay fine, call me a ‘fixer’ but apparently I am a ‘fixer upper’ myself. When the hell did that happen? When did everything, including me, change? Oh, that’s right, I’m now old. And bitter. And apparently kinda insecure. So why are you all so
unlucky enough to get to read this stupid piece of introspective bullshit? Well that would be because my birthday is less than a month away. Yup, another year older and another year where my birthday wish from the previous year didn’t get granted. I’m not greedy. I don’t wish for a million dollars or a big house or a fancy car. All I wish for, every year, is that I won’t be alone for my next birthday. And I always am. Yes, I know, I have friends, acquaintances, a totally screwed up family, my dogs and others around me, but that’s not what I mean. I get tired of being single. I get tired of having to do it all myself. I want just one birthday where there is an amazing guy who is excited to spend the day with me. And damn if that never happens. At least not in a very long time……… dumb fuckers 😉