43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

So I Hear That This Gets Easier…….. July 22, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:16 pm

This weekend TD and family were in CA for TD Jr’s basketball tournament.  Had it not been for ‘stuff’ or the fact that his ex wife decided last minute that she wanted to go, I had always planned on going myself.  Obviously, I didn’t.  Didn’t make me miss being there any less.  It kind of would have been a bonus weekend all the way around.  Lots of time spent with TD and family PLUS being near the ocean!  Kinda wish I was there.  Kinda had a hard weekend not being there.  Kinda waiting for this to all get easier.  It’s been 3+ weeks.  I have my good days and my not so good days.  This weekend was a prolonged not so good day.  Poo.  Next weekend is another out of state basketball tournament that I was invited to (and apparently still am) that I’m not going to either.  Can’t quite figure this out.  I’m not happy when I’m with TD and having to deal with his dating around, or my apparent FWB status (who knew?) but I’m equally as unhappy without him around.  I wake up every morning and give myself a pep talk.  Not as to why it’s better for me to not be near him, but rather why he doesn’t deserve my friendship.  It sometimes even works.  And then wears off.  I remind myself of all the shitty things he’s done and how I got put last and made a fool of in the whole VCW fiasco.  I remind myself that he seems to think that I’m okay with his dating around.  I remind myself that just because we get to do fun things together, that I deserve the whole package and not just bits and pieces of it.  I remind myself that while he misses his best friend, I miss my best friend along with all the other things that aren’t quite friendship based.  I miss the touches and kisses and hand holding and back rubs and knowing that he’d do anything for me.  Except take a chance on me, that is.  Funny that the man will trust me with his kids, his house, his garage code, his PIN codes, his passwords and everything under the sun.  Everything that is, except his heart.  I deserve more.  I know this.  Having a blog, and spending so much time documenting this past year with TD is both a blessing and a curse.  I look back and reminisc about all the fun we’ve had.  All the romance and laughs and good times.  I also see all the drama and turmoil.  I’m still working on convincing myself that I deserve better.  While he has so much to offer me in the way of friendship and having someone look out for me, the one thing that is not available to me (or anyone), and the thing that I want most, is his heart. I just wonder when it’s going to get easier is all………..

Good news is, to those who didn’t actually invest in Kleenex stock, is that I’ve stopped crying like an idiot all the time. 🙂 Baby steps people ……… baby steps……

******

just to clarify (so not everyone thinks I’m a raging whore), the whole FWB thing is not constant ……. last time we were ‘together’, before the lake, was back in February.  So that just makes me a semi-whore, right?

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9 Responses to “So I Hear That This Gets Easier……..”

  1. lafinwitu65 Says:

    When a guy says ” I am not ready for a relationship”, “Lets slow things down” or “I just want to be friends” or a hundred variations of that. What He really means is:

    “I am not ready for a relationship with YOU”,
    “Lets slow things down so I can date other girls and YOU” or
    “Lets be friends so I can have sex with YOU and other women at the same time.

    If he really loved you or even cared a little bit he would not be afraid to Commit to you, and this blog would be about how annoying it is that he wants to spend so much time with you….. (a different blog all together I think) More important if he cared for you he would have enough respect for you and wouldnt put you in the position where your a “friend with benefits” or lead you along. He would be man enough to say no more contact. Period…. or just friends with out the benefits…. Thats a real man.
    Real men are not ambiguous like that. They will make it clear that they like you or not. No games.No BS

    Harsh??? maybe. but its the truth, unfortunately I have played these games with women in the past and said everything here at one time or another.Some of whom in retrospect were very awesome and I wish I had around today. but alas. NO. Lessons learned right?

    Things will get better, be patient. You are awesome and deserve the best.

    • Thanks for following up your virtual bitch slap with a compliment. 😉 I get it. I get it all. I’m not a complete idiot (contrary to popular belief). I know he’s a child and is using people to try and figure out his own shit. Sadly, I’m in that mix. I realize he doesn’t want anything romantic with ME. I realize he strung me along for way too long. I realize I’ve deluded myself multiple times (and even invoked the whole FWB thing myself). I also realize that despite it all, I miss him. He was an amazing friend. If I could have left it at that, then all would be good. Although he has dealt with none of this in a mature or responsible fashion, I’m the one that started it all by revealing my feelings. I wonder if where we would be today if I would have just kept my big mouth shut ………

  2. lafinwitu65 Says:

    We slap cuz we care!

    Be strong, You will get through this. I recently had to tell a girl thanks but no thanks, after 6 months, she wanted the whole “FWB” thing, The hardest thing I ever did, I really,really liked her maybe even loved her and wanted more, but I am not that dude any more, and Your not that chick any more.
    Once again your awesome….Everbody around you knows it. That “one guy” will see it too

    If you were closer I would have already sent you my lame match email request for “drinks”… :o)

  3. Matthew Says:

    The main problem here with TD is that he is 1.) inconsistent in his motives/message regarding you and the relationship he wishes to maintain and 2.) he is not willing to be held accountable for his actions.

    The sad thing is that until that changes, odds are all he is going to do is continue making you feel sad (with or without him). This is where you need to be that strong GG we all know and keep your distance (from him). Make you message clear and continue to call him out on his BS. Don’t let him think he can have the best of both worlds when he knows that you want more out of things than he does right now.

    As a sliver of light coming through a crack in the cloud…things can get better…but not until he takes action and makes those changes. It is my belief that anyone can come back from any hardship as long as those involved want to make amends and accept responsibility for the parts they played.

    Simple as that. Well, not entirely simple, but possible.

    In either case things will get easier, it’s just the beginning that is always the hardest.

    Damn, am I really coming off like a fortune cookie in this??

    • Thank you Matthew. You kinda seem to ‘get’ it and have a great way of stating your thoughts on the matter. I am doing my best to keep my distance and know that nothing will ever change if I back down on my stance (again). Hopefully it will get easier sooner than later as I can’t very well go around drunk all the time 😉 You are my all time favorite fortune cookie!!!

  4. SillyG Says:

    Man this is so much like the Trucker…. and I agree with the bitch slap 🙂 thats exactly what my friends kept telling me about him… he just didn’t want that with me. I’ll tell ya Ms Goose, you are one very cool woman from what I can tell. You deserve a man that treats you like gold. Keep on the not crying like an idiot. Hate when people preach at me, but it will just keep getting easier 🙂

  5. Pammy Girl Says:

    I have played this game with the same guy one too many times. Why do I allow him to treat me like garbage and still go back to him time and time again, knowing full well he’ll do it again? But this isn’t about me. I see a lot of my situation in yours with TD and I think now is the time for you to walk away. For good. TD will either see that you’re amazing or you will realize that he’s not worth your time.

    I’ve tried to force someone to make space for me in his life and he’s only interested in me when he’s between women. I deserve better and SO DO YOU. You cry for as long as you need but remember: he’s not worth your tears.

    • Thanks Pammy. I know that pattern all too well. Found out that he actually told the VCW that I was mentioned, in passing, just once (on their 1st date) and lumped together with another female friend of his that he hasn’t seen in 10 months when discussing male/female friendships with her. Uhm, all the easier to drop my ass if/when they turn into an ‘item’ without having to explain further? Regardless of all else, I was his BEST friend and we spent WAY too much time together for me to be described as anything else ……


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