This weekend TD and family were in CA for TD Jr’s basketball tournament. Had it not been for ‘stuff’ or the fact that his ex wife decided last minute that she wanted to go, I had always planned on going myself. Obviously, I didn’t. Didn’t make me miss being there any less. It kind of would have been a bonus weekend all the way around. Lots of time spent with TD and family PLUS being near the ocean! Kinda wish I was there. Kinda had a hard weekend not being there. Kinda waiting for this to all get easier. It’s been 3+ weeks. I have my good days and my not so good days. This weekend was a prolonged not so good day. Poo. Next weekend is another out of state basketball tournament that I was invited to (and apparently still am) that I’m not going to either. Can’t quite figure this out. I’m not happy when I’m with TD and having to deal with his dating around, or my apparent FWB status (who knew?) but I’m equally as unhappy without him around. I wake up every morning and give myself a pep talk. Not as to why it’s better for me to not be near him, but rather why he doesn’t deserve my friendship. It sometimes even works. And then wears off. I remind myself of all the shitty things he’s done and how I got put last and made a fool of in the whole VCW fiasco. I remind myself that he seems to think that I’m okay with his dating around. I remind myself that just because we get to do fun things together, that I deserve the whole package and not just bits and pieces of it. I remind myself that while he misses his best friend, I miss my best friend along with all the other things that aren’t quite friendship based. I miss the touches and kisses and hand holding and back rubs and knowing that he’d do anything for me. Except take a chance on me, that is. Funny that the man will trust me with his kids, his house, his garage code, his PIN codes, his passwords and everything under the sun. Everything that is, except his heart. I deserve more. I know this. Having a blog, and spending so much time documenting this past year with TD is both a blessing and a curse. I look back and reminisc about all the fun we’ve had. All the romance and laughs and good times. I also see all the drama and turmoil. I’m still working on convincing myself that I deserve better. While he has so much to offer me in the way of friendship and having someone look out for me, the one thing that is not available to me (or anyone), and the thing that I want most, is his heart. I just wonder when it’s going to get easier is all………..
Good news is, to those who didn’t actually invest in Kleenex stock, is that I’ve stopped crying like an idiot all the time. 🙂 Baby steps people ……… baby steps……
just to clarify (so not everyone thinks I’m a raging whore), the whole FWB thing is not constant ……. last time we were ‘together’, before the lake, was back in February. So that just makes me a semi-whore, right?