43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Eggplant for One July 25, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:45 am

So I was advised (not that I actually listen to what anyone tells me and instead opt to do whatever I want anyway) to go the match event and to rock a sexy little black dress.  Now I have been called a lot of things, but sexy is one that I will never believe.  Little black dresses aren’t really my style.  Little red ones are though. 🙂 By ‘rock’, I can only assume that meant not to spill anything on myself.  I opted for a patterned orange, red, purple and gold dress with a low v front and an even lower v back.  No, it’s not slutty, it’s awesome looking!  I tried to take a picture for you to see, but damn if my ass doesn’t look huge from behind!  Who knew?  There went my attempt at sharing my ensemble with you all while protecting my anonymity.  I don’t want to be known as the internet dater with the huge ass.  Anywhoo, enough about my tush.  1st dilemma was shoes.  Strappy black heels or cool red ones?  Comfort was not a factor.  The odds of me tripping, slipping or just falling off my heels were.  I opted for the black ones.  So after a quick cocktail with the dogs (hopefully the last drink for the evening that would be shared with anyone that could be described as a ‘dog’), all 6’2″ of me set off for an uber cool bar.

I got there and had a mini panic attack outside and considered turning around and going back home but I didn’t.  I walked in and went straight to the bar.  I had seen TD and wingwoman standing near the door (on purpose?) and didn’t look their way.  I had sooo hoped to find some total cuties to chat up, but apparently they were in short supply last night.  Last night’s crowd was much older (and shorter) than the mixers that I’ve been to before.  Oh wait, that would probably explain why TD got the invite to this one, but none of my wingwomen friends did.  He’s in the 45+ age group (which sadly, I will be in a couple of weeks as well).  Anyway, there were lots of nice retirees there and a funny little man that talked to me while standing on his tip toes in an attempt to be taller.

I did a great job of ignoring TD for over an hour, but as it’s a small bar, they made their way over to me.  I nodded at TD and talked to wingwoman for a bit.  We left TD talking to some old(er) lady and wandered around a bit.  Then wingwoman decided to leave.  And I should have done the same, but as I am considering legally changing my middle name to ‘fucking mess’, I didn’t.  And TD took the opportunity to come talk to me.  And I let him.  And when it was time to leave, against my protests (because I know what an idiot I can be regarding him and when I’ve been drinking) he walked me to my car.  Where I proceeded to blurt something out that probably used up the last ounce of self respect that I was desperately trying to hang on to.  At least he was honest with me this time.  He is searching for perfection.   And we all know I’m far from perfect.  He selfishly wants me around during his eternal search for this ever elusive woman and to help him figure his own shit out.  I don’t want to do that.  He is fine with talking every now and again.  I told him that wasn’t good enough.  I told him I deserved better.  I told him to not contact me.  At all.  I told him that if I should be the one to ‘slip’ and contact him, that he’s not to respond.  He flat out told me that he doesn’t take my ‘good-byes’ seriously anymore because I’ve done this, and failed, one too many times.  Awesome.  He cried.  He asked me to just take a couple of weeks and then decide, but we both know a couple of weeks won’t do any good.  I’m in love with the man and he’s not in love with me.  Plain and simple.  He can love me as much as he wants as a friend, but that’s not what I want.

So all in all, last night sucked.  It could have been great if I had any self control and would have just marched my happy ass out of there when wingwoman left, but we all know that if there’s a decision to be made between something good for me and something entirely self destructive, I choose option B when it comes to him.  I kind of think that I sabotaged myself on purpose.  Oddly enough, although incredibly sad, I haven’t cried this morning.  Could I actually ‘get it’ this time?  I sure as hell hope so.

My G-d, it’s like I’ve written this same exact post sooooo many times before.

and I know that you’re dying to know what it was that I said to him that was the latest catalyst ………. I said that for my birthday, I really just wanted to spend the day with he and his kids.  He said he would love that, but then asked me why.  And if I’m totally honest with myself (which I hate to be), it’s not only because they make me happy, but so I could have a day where we felt like a family and I could kid myself that we actually were.  Yup, I’m just that ridiculous.  Feel free to stop reading my blog, unfriend me and pull your hair out.

the funny thing is, even if he were to appear on my doorstep tomorrow and proclaim his undying love and desire to at least try and see if we ‘work’ as a couple, I wouldn’t do it ………… we’ve been through too much and we’ve both fucked up way too many things and crossed too many lines ……. it would never work


14 Responses to “Eggplant for One”

  1. lafinwitu65 Says:

    Nahhh!! wont unfriend you yet, but next time consider the “LBD”

    Free hugs for you from Socal


  2. everevie Says:

    I got to see the pic…and trust me y’all…her ass is AWESOME! 😉 And lafinwitu…I think you’d give her a free pass on the LBD if you saw her in the dress she chose!

    GG- Maybe last night was fated to happen. Maybe it was exactly what needed to happen to finally make the end, the end.

    He’s a fool to search for perfection b/c it ensures he will end up a very lonely man.

    • lafinwitu65 Says:

      “LBD” was just another way of saying “rock it out” and it sounds like GG did.

      We all want to see come on GG, make it your profile pic for a couple of hours

    • Thanks Evie. I know you’re probably right, I just wish I wasn’t always such a mess when it came to him. I mean really, what the hell ever happened to sitting down and having an adult conversation instead of basically cornering him in a parking garage? When the hell did I get so fucking dramatic?

  3. ifUseekAmy Says:

    Ugh. I’m sorry that it was all sucky-pants last night, but like Evie said, maybe it was just what needed to happen to give you that little push to really end things.

    I am proud of you for going in the first place and then for telling him to back off. I know it’s super hard, but it will help you move on.

    Oh, and the whole ridonkulous ‘perfection’ thing? That is exactly what I was told by my ex and that will be one of many reasons why he will jump from relationship to relationship, remaining unfulfilled and lonely.

    As for the LBD…most of my best, sexiest dresses are not black, but multi-colored/patterned, teal, red, brown, green, etc. I’m quite sure that you ‘rocked’ and looked fantastic in your v-neck & v-back dress!

    • Thanks Amy. I know, and am pretty sure that he knows, that ‘perfect’ is not an attainable thing. He’s just broken and keeps hoping that there will come a day when he meets that woman that makes the lightbulb go off and ‘fixes’ everything for him …… that ain’t me…….

  4. SillyG Says:

    you said it at the end. too much hurt and distrust. thought about this with trucker – fuk even if i ever did get him to ‘be mine’ we would always be on uneven ground because he sort of had the power cause i was ga-ga and he was not…
    really sucks. and i totally want to see the dress picture too! crop your ass out 😀

    • haha on cropping my ass out of the picture! sad to realize that we are not the women we always thought we were regarding certain guys……

      • SillyG Says:

        so ya cropped it right! can’t wait to see.
        the guy part… super sad when ones completely smitten. lesson i took from him that you can’t make someone else ‘love you’ and that acting sorta pathetic pretty much wrecks any chance. ha….wonder when i’ll be swallowing those words 😀

  5. Sounds like you’re staying strong. That’s what builders character. Take that with you into your next relationship. It can only help you:)

  6. Oooh, I’ve been dying to know about these Match.com “events” I’ve been hearing about. I might have to try one myself.

    Great story. Honest and funny! He TOLD you he’s looking for “perfection?” Well, he’s in for a RUDE awakening. NO ONE is perfect. You say you’re far from perfect, but you’re just as far as the rest of us. It’s really immature of him to even admit that he’s seeking perfection. How old is this guy? That’s something a 14-year-old still believes exists… not grown adults.

    Girl… my opinion… take your own advice and STOP contacting him. But take it seriously this time. You are a great gal, a talented writer and an adventurous spirit. You can and will find someone who appreciates all of those qualities, and thinks your tush is hot to boot! 🙂

    • Hi Ruth. If you have the match events in your area, absolutely go!!!! Thanks for your thoughts. I have no plans on contacting him. I used up my last ounce of self respect remember? I have no more to lose so will need to build my stores back up again before I can start ‘spending’ again. 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s