So I was advised (not that I actually listen to what anyone tells me and instead opt to do whatever I want anyway) to go the match event and to rock a sexy little black dress. Now I have been called a lot of things, but sexy is one that I will never believe. Little black dresses aren’t really my style. Little red ones are though. 🙂 By ‘rock’, I can only assume that meant not to spill anything on myself. I opted for a patterned orange, red, purple and gold dress with a low v front and an even lower v back. No, it’s not slutty, it’s awesome looking! I tried to take a picture for you to see, but damn if my ass doesn’t look huge from behind! Who knew? There went my attempt at sharing my ensemble with you all while protecting my anonymity. I don’t want to be known as the internet dater with the huge ass. Anywhoo, enough about my tush. 1st dilemma was shoes. Strappy black heels or cool red ones? Comfort was not a factor. The odds of me tripping, slipping or just falling off my heels were. I opted for the black ones. So after a quick cocktail with the dogs (hopefully the last drink for the evening that would be shared with anyone that could be described as a ‘dog’), all 6’2″ of me set off for an uber cool bar.
I got there and had a mini panic attack outside and considered turning around and going back home but I didn’t. I walked in and went straight to the bar. I had seen TD and wingwoman standing near the door (on purpose?) and didn’t look their way. I had sooo hoped to find some total cuties to chat up, but apparently they were in short supply last night. Last night’s crowd was much older (and shorter) than the mixers that I’ve been to before. Oh wait, that would probably explain why TD got the invite to this one, but none of my wingwomen friends did. He’s in the 45+ age group (which sadly, I will be in a couple of weeks as well). Anyway, there were lots of nice retirees there and a funny little man that talked to me while standing on his tip toes in an attempt to be taller.
I did a great job of ignoring TD for over an hour, but as it’s a small bar, they made their way over to me. I nodded at TD and talked to wingwoman for a bit. We left TD talking to some old(er) lady and wandered around a bit. Then wingwoman decided to leave. And I should have done the same, but as I am considering legally changing my middle name to ‘fucking mess’, I didn’t. And TD took the opportunity to come talk to me. And I let him. And when it was time to leave, against my protests (because I know what an idiot I can be regarding him and when I’ve been drinking) he walked me to my car. Where I proceeded to blurt something out that probably used up the last ounce of self respect that I was desperately trying to hang on to. At least he was honest with me this time. He is searching for perfection. And we all know I’m far from perfect. He selfishly wants me around during his eternal search for this ever elusive woman and to help him figure his own shit out. I don’t want to do that. He is fine with talking every now and again. I told him that wasn’t good enough. I told him I deserved better. I told him to not contact me. At all. I told him that if I should be the one to ‘slip’ and contact him, that he’s not to respond. He flat out told me that he doesn’t take my ‘good-byes’ seriously anymore because I’ve done this, and failed, one too many times. Awesome. He cried. He asked me to just take a couple of weeks and then decide, but we both know a couple of weeks won’t do any good. I’m in love with the man and he’s not in love with me. Plain and simple. He can love me as much as he wants as a friend, but that’s not what I want.
So all in all, last night sucked. It could have been great if I had any self control and would have just marched my happy ass out of there when wingwoman left, but we all know that if there’s a decision to be made between something good for me and something entirely self destructive, I choose option B when it comes to him. I kind of think that I sabotaged myself on purpose. Oddly enough, although incredibly sad, I haven’t cried this morning. Could I actually ‘get it’ this time? I sure as hell hope so.
My G-d, it’s like I’ve written this same exact post sooooo many times before.
and I know that you’re dying to know what it was that I said to him that was the latest catalyst ………. I said that for my birthday, I really just wanted to spend the day with he and his kids. He said he would love that, but then asked me why. And if I’m totally honest with myself (which I hate to be), it’s not only because they make me happy, but so I could have a day where we felt like a family and I could kid myself that we actually were. Yup, I’m just that ridiculous. Feel free to stop reading my blog, unfriend me and pull your hair out.
the funny thing is, even if he were to appear on my doorstep tomorrow and proclaim his undying love and desire to at least try and see if we ‘work’ as a couple, I wouldn’t do it ………… we’ve been through too much and we’ve both fucked up way too many things and crossed too many lines ……. it would never work