You may want to just skip over this post as it’s a ‘thinking out loud’ kinda thing regarding TD and I. Hell, it’s my blog after all so I can write what I want. One of these days I’ll be able to look back on all of this (while living in the old farts home with my 72 cats) and hopefully have learned a thing or two. Yes, he led me on horribly and we both crossed many lines. Yes, he has a huge issue taking any accountability for his actions. Yes, he apparently has some hugely unattainable things that he’s looking for in a partner. Yes, he is very brutally honest about some things (my shortcomings) while being not so honest about others (TVCW). I am SO NOT innocent in all of this. No, I am not defending him in any of this, but I have to be able to take accountability for the part that I played in this mess. Hell, I’m pretty sure I even created some of this mess.
The thing is this. He told me we were just friends. He believed in his head we were just friends. Friends with ginormous boundary issues, but whatever. I am the one that didn’t listen. I am the one that pushed the boundaries lately. I am the one that held him to standards that a boyfriend should be held to. Not those that a male-friend should be held to. It was easy for me to delude myself into thinking we were more than just friends when he wasn’t dating. Now that he is, uhm, that’s a little bit harder. And I got jealous. I don’t know why I would hold him to standards and expectations that I didn’t even meet myself. I ‘knew’ in my head that we weren’t dating. I didn’t treat him with the respect and unconditional trust that I would have had we really been dating. I don’t know why I couldn’t keep the two separate. I didn’t want to seem like the needy, whiney, annoying ‘friend’ so kept a lot to myself and let it build up until I had some sort of asinine neurotic explosion all over him. I did this several times. I mean really, when did I lose the ability to sit down and have a mature, adult discussion with someone. Why, instead of sitting TD down on Tuesday (or better yet, being able to control myself and not say anything) and explaining how I was feeling and my need for no contact so I could get things straight in my head, did I instead pretty much corner the guy in a parking garage and allow the conversation to get so out of hand that we both ended up in tears with lots of unnecessary theatrics? That was all my doing. I didn’t like the answer he gave me to the question I never should have asked so went on the defensive and it was a shitstorm from there.
I don’t think right regarding him. I know better. I am actually a fairly rational and intelligent person in real life. I don’t seem to be with him. I never put my foot down (because I never felt I had the right to). I used to tell him everything until I decided I was telling him too much and then that’s when shit started hitting the fan. If he thinks we’re just friends and I, admittedly, am the one that pushed the boundaries of the whole FWB thing back in February and then again at the lake in July, how can I be upset with him for basically giving him a free pass? How can I be the one to use him as a ‘faux boyfriend’ (code for FWB) and then accuse him of using me as one? Sure, he could have said no, but really? Would any guy? I know he’s conflicted about me. He always has been. I’ve taken advantage of that fact. I’ve tried to force my own ‘agenda’ on him. I’ve gotten mad that he wouldn’t step up. I’ve made him feel guilty for not returning my feelings. That’s not right and for that, I feel horrible.
I’ve always had an issue with knowing which to believe, words or actions. I would hope that they would both match, but when they don’t I opt to believe the course that best aligns with what I want. That’s not reality, that’s me deluding myself and then getting bent out of shape when I read him wrong. I accused TVCW of being passive aggressive. Mainly because she was. I recognized it so easily though because apparently I am too. I always said I would never do anything to hurt him and I did. Repeatedly. To this day, all else aside, I think TD is one of the best people I’ve ever met. We’re both to blame for all of this.
No, I am not blaming all of this on myself. No, I am not using any of this as an excuse to convince myself that we should be friends. No, I am not going to contact him. His doing or my doing, we don’t work well together these days. I keep remembering back to last year and the very beginning of this one. There were some amazing times. There were mixed signals being thrown out then too, but as soon as I would point them out, he would stop. And inevitably create different ones, but whatever. I believed what I wanted to believe…………