Tips For The Lazy Man’s (or Woman’s) Awesome Halloween Costume

Now, no offense to anyone that puts in the effort to dress like a slutty cheerleader or a slutty bartender or a slutty football player.  I’m sure a lot of thought went into which push up bra would showcase ‘the girls’ best.  I’m sure you all look slut-tastic! I’ve never really gotten into the whole costume thing though.  Aside from the 3 consecutive years I went as the BeeHive Haired singer from the B-52s.  And I’ve certainly never gotten into the slutty costumes.  Well, aside from the year that I went as a hooker with my best friend in college (the slutty is just implied).  I usually opt for a ‘thinking’ costume.  You know, the ones where people just stare at you with a stupid look on their face while trying to figure out what the heck you’re supposed to be.  I love those looks!  Idiots ……. the bonus of any and all of these costumes is that you get to wear your own clothes!  Yey for that.

Not that any of this has to do with dating as I seem to have forgotten what that is (well actually I was supposed to meet someone tonight who came up with some tremendously lame bullshit excuse to cancel on me this morning and asked for a raincheck.  Thank goodness it doesn’t rain where I live often 😉 ).  Anyway, I digress ………. Here are my top 2 non-costumes followed by what I’m dressing as this year!  Feel free to steal my ideas …..or just laugh at what a lame idiot I am.  🙂

Non-Costume #1

Dress in all black.  Pants, skirt, shirt, dress, tights, whatever, but it needs to be solid black.  Now, gather up several unmatched and randoms sock, 1 random bra, 1 dryer sheet, 1 wad of lint from the dryer, a couple choice pairs of undies.  Stop scratching your head and pay attention.  Now take safety pins (or staples, depending on exactly how lazy you are) and attach them to your clothing in no apparent manner or fashion.  Now, mess up your hair and tease it a little so that it’s standing on end just a bit.  Know what you are?  Static Cling!!

Non-Costume #2

Dress in all white.  Again, doesn’t matter what the outfit is, it just needs to be solid white.  Now gather up: a couple of kleenex, some cotton balls, a q tip or two, the lid to a cottage cheese container, a piece of wadded up paper, a dryer sheet, and just about anything else that is white and attachable and do just that.  Same as above, safety pin everything to your clothing (front and back) in a random lack of fashion.  Viola’!  You’re White Trash!

Non-Costume #3

This, my friends, is what I’m dressing like this year (not that I have any fun parties to go to or anything), so guess what I am:  I’m wearing red pants with a yellow tank top and an orange shirt over it.  I will be carrying a pineapple and will have a paper umbrella tucked behind my ear.  Any guesses?  For those of you that just muttered ‘special ed person’, ‘insane asylum escapee’, ‘color blind idiot’ or ‘fair carny’ ………. uhm, no.  This year, my friends, as I hand out candy while sitting in a friend’s driveway and having everyone look upon me with pity as they think I’m just a bad dresser who is unable to coordinate colors or clothing I will actually be …………. a Mai Tai.

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Any wonder I’m single? 😉

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