For those of you that have been
stupid bored insane reading me for a while, you might recall that this day last year was one of the happiest days for me. Ever. It was the day that I thought I was finally going to get what I had hoped for and deserved for so many years. That ever elusive feeling of absolute shock and joy that the man who you want, actually wants you too! As we also know, that euphoria lasted all of about 10 days. Until he dumped my ass due to ‘not being ready’. What ensued was 365 days of uncertainty, hope, sorrow, laughter, tears and every other single emotion. I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Mainly because of TD. I held out hope that he would change his mind (yes, again) and choose me. I opted to believe all that he said, all that he did, all that he promised me. I, in turn, promised to patient and wait while he figured things out. It’s been a crazy year. I’ve been led on by him, I’ve opted to ignore what was really going on in exchange for believing what I wanted to believe. I deluded myself time and again that he would ‘come around’. Guess what? He’s not.
I was over at his house last night handing out Halloween candy to the kiddos. We were having a great time. In the back of my mind I knew that Halloween of last year is when I spilled my guts to him about my interest (the first of MANY overshares) and then the following day, November 1st, is when he flat out told me that I was ‘the one’. That I was ‘the one he saw a future with’. He spoke in absolute terms of us and we and together and forever. And I believed it. Because I wanted to. I tried to walk away 4 times. Twice he called me back and the last two, well, I was the one to cave. Anyway, I tried to push that all aside last night. Too bad I couldn’t. The evening ended with me telling him that today (November 1st) would be a very tough day for me due to what happened last year on this day. That this day last year, I thought I was finally getting everything I wanted. He looked quizzically at me and corrected me that it couldn’t possibly be ‘everything I wanted’ because he had only agreed to try dating. Uhm …….. what? In his head and memory, he has everything exactly backwards. Instead of it being me that wanted to try just dating and him being the one to try to turn everything into now and forever via an instant relationship, he truly remembers it as the opposite happening. Too bad I have this blog to refer back to ……. it wasn’t me. It was him. Anyway, once I reminded him of what really transpired he dropped the bomb of ‘I honestly don’t remember it happening that way, but it never would have worked between us anyway’. Ouch.
I won’t bore you with the details, but there was another long and drawn out conversation about ‘stuff’ today and forever more November 1st will not be in my memory as the day that TD told me that I was his ONE. It will be the day that TD told me that I will NEVER be his ONE. 😦 Not sure how I feel about that. No tears have been shed and although sure, I am sad to actually hear it, I think I needed to. Pretty sure I’ve always and always would hold out hope that he would change his mind. In the past he would never tell me that it would never be me. Even when I’ve flat out asked him. Last night and today though, he finally said ‘never’.