43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

The Non Surprise Party November 28, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:54 pm

Well, as all two of you we all know, TD’s non surprise party was Monday.   As he had effectively crushed my spirit about it all and about our friendship on Friday, I wasn’t all that excited about throwing it for him.  It was a lot of work, a lot of money and a lot of time.  All for someone who’s reality is far from accurate, always seems to paint me in the wrong, and who views our friendship as more of a negative than a positive at this point.  I continued the charade of his not knowing with his kids and his crappy friends.  I say that his friends are crappy pretty much because they are.  They aren’t friends.  They don’t call to check in.  They don’t invite him to do things.  They never see or talk to each other.  And, most importantly, they don’t like me all that much.  Why you ask?  Well, here’s a perfect example of how crappy they are.  One of his friends doesn’t like me  because I intimidate him.  Because I’m taller than he is.  I shit you not.  That’s the reason he doesn’t like me.  I intentionally went barefoot at the party so I would be closer to his height in the hopes that he wouldn’t be so uncomfortable around me.  Nope.  Didn’t help.  I was still the unwilling recipient of his biting (and nasty) sarcasm.  *sigh*

As I had told TD about the party and he was well aware (thanks to our shitty conversation on Friday) of everything, he had to act like he didn’t know either.  But of course he let the closet dwelling lunch lady know that he was pretty sure ‘something was up’.  Which effectively made me look like I couldn’t pull off a party while he was some stellar super sleuth.  The backstory was that the kids and I were going to take him out to dinner for his birthday.  When the closet dweller asked what he was doing that night (I’m sure NOT because she was actually going to surface from the safety of said closet and do anything), instead of just saying that we (ME and the kids) were taking him to dinner, he said that ‘the kids’ were planning something.  I wasn’t mentioned.  Huh.  I seem to be never mentioned.  I seem to get swept under the rug a lot.  She has no clue of our real story and as TD has told me his version of his ‘truth’ about all that has happened,  who knows what she thinks.  Not that I care, but I really don’t want people to think I suck.  Regardless of how much I think they do. 😉  Anyway, she wasn’t invited and I had kinda hoped he would keep her out of the equation for the whole day and let it just be about things not dealing with her.  Yes, I realize that’s totally selfish of me, but I was putting a ton of work into making that day special for him and after 2 months, she was doing absolutely nothing for him.  She ended up inviting him to go hiking that afternoon (which of course, he felt the need to tell me about) and picked him up at his house.  Meaning, that when I got to his house, his car was there but he wasn’t.  And I was pissed.  Do the math people.  I’m at his house.  He will be returning.  WITH HER.  While I’m there.  I didn’t know what the hell to do.  Hide in the backyard so I didn’t have to see them?  Peek thru the front window so I can watch them making out in her car?  Just continue on with what I was doing in the hopes that he had enough common decency NOT to bring her in the house when I was there?  I opted for both 1 and 2.  That still didn’t stop my brain from coming up with all sorts of heart wrenching scenarios when I heard her car pull up.

I guess I should just expect to have him stomp on my feelings time and again.  Although he truly feels like all of his lies and secrecy are in order to protect me, I see it differently.  Anyway, he had effectively ruined my day.  It’s not about me though, right?  Right.  Too bad she didn’t so much as give him a card.  Stupid selfish bitch.  We talked for a while when he got home before he left to ‘run errands’ and meet a friend for drinks.  I raced around to get everything set up while the kids worked on an awesome slideshow that would run on his big ole’ black friday TV in the family room during the party.  I had made all of his favorite foods and desserts.  I made a poster with his handsome face on it for everyone to sign and leave a little note for him.  I decorated the house.  I bought him a fairly extravagant gift that I know he wouldn’t buy for himself.  I did all these things for a reason.  Because he’s a huge priority to me.  Regardless of how shitty he (unwittingly) is it to me, I want him to be happy.

Anyway, everyone hid in the front room when he came home and the kids attacked him with silly string while he acted surprised.   Then the party started.  And he talked to everyone.  But me.  As I don’t care for his friends and they don’t care for me, I switched into worker mode and just made sure that everyone had food and drinks.  Kinda like the hired help.  It was no less than an hour in that he finally spoke to me.  I guess he has taken his not wanting anyone to think we’re more than friend to the extreme in that he didn’t come near me.  At all.  Nice.  Anyway I think everyone had a good time.  Except me.

Thank goodness that a new friend of his (thanks to me) and his wife showed up.  I love them.  They are genuinely good people.  And they like me.  As a matter of fact, they kinda love me.  They think I’m funny and entertaining.  They also totally think that TD and I are a couple thanks to TD being  too big a douche to say otherwise.  I told them that night that we weren’t.  That TD thinks I’m too sarcastic, too ‘fiesty’ and too me.  😦  They were shocked.  And think he’s an idiot.  🙂  At least I finally had someone to talk to.  We had been out with them to watch football the night before and had a great time.  Lots of laughs.  Lots of fun.  Lots of TD texting the closet dweller during the game.  *sigh*  Anywhoo, I know Monday night was supposed to be all about TD.  ALL about TD.  I couldn’t help but get upset every time he would check his phone and text though.  As everyone else he knows in life was at his house, I knew who it was.  And it hurt my feelings.  And I told him that once everyone left.  And he proceeded to let me know that he texts a lot of people.  Which is probably true, but since everyone else he knows was standing in his kitchen, that excuse was a bit implausible.  He has a totally screwy habit of excusing himself to the bathroom in order to text.  Which means he goes to the bathroom A LOT.  Well as I was cleaning up after the party, I went into the garage to start loading my car and who do I find?  TD, standing in the dark garage, texting.  Mother Fucker.  When I saw him, I just turned around and walked back in as I was embarrassed that I ‘found him’ while he was trying to hide.  And mad at myself for getting upset about it.  He, in turn, managed to figure out a way to get pissed at me for turning around and walking back in.  He said he wasn’t texting her (I didn’t ask), but was texting someone else.  Do I believe him?  Hell no.  Should it matter?  Nope.  Does it?  Yup.  Of course another ‘conversation’ ensued.  I’m so sick of talking to him about my insecurities (that he’s created).

I don’t want a friend that I have measure my every word and action with.  I don’t want a friend that I have to feel bad about wanting to call or text or see.  I don’t want a friend that is pissed that his kids love me.  I told him I had no idea what to do with the information that he dumped on me Friday night.  That it was so unfair of him to blame everything on me.  That he can’t just make me feel guilty about everything and then the next day try to back pedal on what the ‘real’ issue is as it’s already stuck in my head.  Through all of this, I’m mainly mad at myself for taking the blame when I shouldn’t.  For trying so hard to protect his feelings.  For putting myself and my well-being behind his.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  He’s backtracked on the whole ‘we spend too much time together’ and ‘we talk and text and see each other too much’, but I know that he already said it, so it must be true.  I don’t contact him first anymore.  I don’t want to do what I’m not ‘supposed’ to.  I have a stack of Groupons and Living Socials for fun stuff for he and his kids to do with me that I will now hand over to him so that he can invite the closet dweller in my place as I no longer feel that I can suggest activities.  Will he do so?  I doubt it, but I now don’t feel comfortable inviting any of them to do things any more.  Which breaks my heart.  Again.

How can he view our friendship as a negative?  How can he claim to be doing all of this for my sake when it’s really in his best interest?  How can he claim to hate lying, yet continually do it?  How can he blame me for so much that really isn’t my fault?  A perfect example of this is that he was not happy that he had to lie about not knowing about the party.  He couldn’t just blab to everyone that he knew.  I told him, after the fact, to feel free, but that I hoped he realized he would then have to tell everyone what an asshole he was to me on Friday night and that’s why I ended up telling him.  The main reason I didn’t want him to say anything is because I didn’t want his kids to know that I blabbed.  They had worked so hard on everything……… he still made me feel bad for ‘making’ him lie.

There are so many times I should have walked away.  So many times I claimed to ‘be over’ him when I wasn’t.  So many times I hadn’t yet been able to get things right in my head.  They’re right now.  Still probably a bit skewed as we’ve never (and I repeat NEVER) had a traditional friendship, but I understand.  I understand that it’s not me.  It will never be me.  Through it all though, he’s my best friend.  My best friend who I can no longer treat or talk to as my best friend.  I’m a bit lost ……..again.  The ball is in his court.  He can throw away our friendship and deal with the consequences when he finally figures out what an idiot he’s been, or he can try to salvage it.  I’m done fighting ……. for him and for it.  It’s just not worth it anymore.

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18 Responses to “The Non Surprise Party”

  1. lafinwitu65 Says:

    How horrible, at some point you should probably cut your losses and invest your time and energy into someone who actually appreciates your efforts, but I have read enough of these to know that your probably not done yet. Hope is a powerful thing.

    Someone once told me to be very careful doing nice things for people (in my case girls I have just met), it can be a subtle form of manipulation for the doer and rarely succeeds in winning over the person the energy is directed at and only results in frustration for the doer. Not saying thats you, but he was certainly not worthy of your efforts.

    I just read a study that said that when people are in love they subconsciensly create a personal space bubble that pushes the opposite sex away when you are in love. maybe you just need some time and space from “TD” to destroy your bubble.

    The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting a different result. There are “Non-TD” guys that are worthy of your efforts, maybe you subconsciencly push them away, because of your “conflicted” feelings for TD.

    • Yes I should just cut my losses. That’s kind of the problem at this point. Wow, what a horribly cynical view on doing nice things for people. I don’t think (damn I hope it wasn’t) that’s what I was doing. I just couldn’t let his 50th pass without a celebration though. I know he does appreciate all that I did and do. That’s just separate from everything else, I guess. Well aware that I’m the definition of insanity, but I DO give other guys a chance. I would like nothing more than to meet someone that makes me not ever think of TD again. I really really do …… Maybe santa will bring me a lobotomy of christmas ….

  2. tripletall180mochagirl Says:

    This breaks my heart because I can tell you that I have such a parallel relationship with my own “TD” that I refer to as “dumdum” for treating me the way he does. I swear I felt like I was reading my own life reading this story. Just want you to know you are not alone. From the secret texts (especially the bathroom trips) to texting in front of you and lying about it, to the kids still loving you and seeing another woman still trying to be friends with you, when it suits him, I have experienced all of the same things and I know how much it hurts when all you do is really love him. We can pretend we don’t care, but we do. No matter how bad they treat us, something just won’t let us let completely go. I’m sorry you had to go through this because I truly do understand…all of it. Hugs.
    Jennifer

  3. You need different friends. Your best friend treats you like shit and while he may call you his “best friend” he has a very awful way of showing it to be true. I hurt for you — you are an incredibly good and caring person with a huge heart, a great sense of humor and a superior wit about you — you deserve a best friend who treats you equally as well — or even half as well. . Shit, I’d settle for him treating you a quarter as well as you treat him. Truly. You deserve so much more than that. Hugs & love to you.

    • I know his heart is in the right place, he’s just socially and emotionally retarded is all. Thank you for all your kind words. I need to stop letting it all bother me though. He’s never going to change….

  4. OMG….you are too much of a catch to put up with this. This one sided friendship doesn’t sound very healthy and it’s not doing anything for your self esteem to stay in it. He’s gotta go, girl! You’re WAY too nice to him! Take care of you!! Xoxo

  5. ifUseekAmy Says:

    Oh Grey Goose, you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Nobody does, but especially not you. He’s more than just socially and emotionally retarded (hell, I’m those things, too), he’s also just mean to you. There’s a huge difference between not knowing how to relate to someone and being just plain mean. He sees you get upset when he says those things, yet it doesn’t stop him. That strikes me as completely self-absorbed and self-righteous. I know you will defend him to the end, but you have to see this from our, your readers/friends, point of view…he’s a giant asshole towards you. I don’t think that his heart is “in the right place” because if it was, he wouldn’t hurt his best friend over and over again.

    Anyways, big hugs to you. xoxo

    • Thanks Amy. He is mean. Intended or not, he’s become someone that I don’t like nearly as much as I used to. He’s changed. And not for the better. And I need to stop putting up with it. And I’m trying. I really, really am. I didn’t talk to him at all today and only responded to his texts in one word responses. So of course, he just called. And I told him I couldn’t talk. 🙂 Baby steps, my friend …….

  6. […] but I’m not there yet.  YET.  Although I received several messages in regards to my ‘non surprise party’ post, this particular letter encapsulated it all.  I am posting it for all to see (I hope you […]

  7. Re: “…There are so many times I should have walked away. So many times I claimed to ‘be over’ him when I wasn’t. So many times I hadn’t yet been able to get things right in my head. They’re right now. … Through it all though, he’s my best friend…”

    Um, no. He’s NOT your friend. Whatever rason he keeps you around, it’s not friendship. That’s not how it’s done.

    He might like the idea you’re in love with him (yes you are, it’s so obvious) and he likes feeling wanted even if he doesn’t have to reciprocate. Who doesn’t want an admirer? He might have other reasons for not completely moving on. Whatever it is, he is toxic to you. It’s one thing to like having an admirer, but it’s another to exploit your good nature like this. I completely understand how hard it is to let him go and stay away from him. Your feelings are strong enough it won’t just smart, it will hurt. Badly. But…………

    I wish I could make this into the fairytale ending for you it should be.

    • Thanks SD. I know you’ll always give it to me straight. And I know. I really do. He’s not my best friend; I’m certain that I am his however. He does do a lot for me and does worry about me, but you’re right. Of course I’m still in love with him. I know that it won’t ever turn out how I want though. Reading what everyone has to say from the ‘outside’ makes it sound as if he’s a devious user and is intentionally being hurtful. I would like to hope that he isn’t as I don’t think that’s in his nature. I know I’m a crutch to him and the second he has someone to transfer his dependency on, I’ll be left in the dust. I know this. I am just not good at disengaging apparently. Some things have come up with his kids as well as they always look to me for guidance or entertainment, so I’m having a tough time with that too. I’m working on it though …….. I really am.

      And damn; what I wouldn’t give for a fairytale ending ……. just once 😦

      • lafinwitu65 Says:

        Intentional or not, he is being hurtful, The reality is he was just not man enough to do the right thing, which is almost never the easiest thing. At some point he needed to man up and end it. No ambiguous hidden signals, No “Friends” with bennies or fuzzy intentions. as long as he is around and NOT giving you what you want, he is hurting you “unintentionally” of course.

        It is even more difficult to move on when you think there might be a chance however small that your “true love” just might see the error of their ways and come running to you. But why would he end it?? You have given him everything? He has it both ways, He has you for comfort, friendship and awesome non-surprise parties and the “CDW” for the fun stuff. (crazy women are the best) He can continue online having his cake and eating it too. No consequences for him at all. Last time I tried that I got dumped cold, fast and hard, (deservedly so, I should add)

        As far as the kids go, people come and go in our lives all the time. sometimes the people that have the best and biggest impact are there the shortest amount of time, have faith in that and You make the right decision. Its the uncertainty that is wrong and will hurt the kids, anything else is confusing and will be hurtful for them. You can be in their life with some boundaries, or not in their life but either way, You need to make the decision since TD apparently wont. Ambiguity is bad for everyone (well unless your TD).

        • You’re right Lafin’. He opted to do this when it was most convenient for him (replacement player waiting in the wings). Although he claims to have been worried about all the time we spend together long ago, he never said anything and instead waited until he had someone else to occupy his time. Entirely selfish on his part. Yes, I realize he’s having his cake and eating it too. As much as I’m his crutch and he depends on me, for some ridiculously unhealthy reason he’s mine as well. That’s really what keeps me around I think. I realize it’s been a year of me being an idiot. I also realize that’s at least 10 months too long. 😉

          I have always been honest with his kids. They know we’re just friends (at least from my end they do), I have no clue what TD tells them. I’ll not easily (or ever) forget last Friday when he was angry at me for the misperception by people as to what we are to each other. It was intentionally hurtful and squarely placed the blame on me when it’s his doing.

          I know I talk in circles and none of this is new to anyone …… I know how annoying this must be to read time and again …….. I can’t help it though 😦

          • lafinwitu65 Says:

            It is way more interesting then my boring life, at leat your out there in the thick of it getting dirty, All of us that are watching, have had or have a version of TD and that keeps us coming around.

            As you are def in my target demographic for online dating You really do need to move on so I can start getting some useful insights into this dating thing. Personally my heart would have melted if anyone had taken the time to plan a BDAY party for me. I dont believe I have dated anyone that has cared enough to put that much energy into me. Before you go awwww so sad, I am sure at some point, I pushed away the girl that would have. Now that is truly sad, but thats on me.


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