all two of you we all know, TD’s non surprise party was Monday. As he had effectively crushed my spirit about it all and about our friendship on Friday, I wasn’t all that excited about throwing it for him. It was a lot of work, a lot of money and a lot of time. All for someone who’s reality is far from accurate, always seems to paint me in the wrong, and who views our friendship as more of a negative than a positive at this point. I continued the charade of his not knowing with his kids and his crappy friends. I say that his friends are crappy pretty much because they are. They aren’t friends. They don’t call to check in. They don’t invite him to do things. They never see or talk to each other. And, most importantly, they don’t like me all that much. Why you ask? Well, here’s a perfect example of how crappy they are. One of his friends doesn’t like me because I intimidate him. Because I’m taller than he is. I shit you not. That’s the reason he doesn’t like me. I intentionally went barefoot at the party so I would be closer to his height in the hopes that he wouldn’t be so uncomfortable around me. Nope. Didn’t help. I was still the unwilling recipient of his biting (and nasty) sarcasm. *sigh*
As I had told TD about the party and he was well aware (thanks to our shitty conversation on Friday) of everything, he had to act like he didn’t know either. But of course he let the closet dwelling lunch lady know that he was pretty sure ‘something was up’. Which effectively made me look like I couldn’t pull off a party while he was some stellar super sleuth. The backstory was that the kids and I were going to take him out to dinner for his birthday. When the closet dweller asked what he was doing that night (I’m sure NOT because she was actually going to surface from the safety of said closet and do anything), instead of just saying that we (ME and the kids) were taking him to dinner, he said that ‘the kids’ were planning something. I wasn’t mentioned. Huh. I seem to be never mentioned. I seem to get swept under the rug a lot. She has no clue of our real story and as TD has told me his version of his ‘truth’ about all that has happened, who knows what she thinks. Not that I care, but I really don’t want people to think I suck. Regardless of how much I think they do. 😉 Anyway, she wasn’t invited and I had kinda hoped he would keep her out of the equation for the whole day and let it just be about things not dealing with her. Yes, I realize that’s totally selfish of me, but I was putting a ton of work into making that day special for him and after 2 months, she was doing absolutely nothing for him. She ended up inviting him to go hiking that afternoon (which of course, he felt the need to tell me about) and picked him up at his house. Meaning, that when I got to his house, his car was there but he wasn’t. And I was pissed. Do the math people. I’m at his house. He will be returning. WITH HER. While I’m there. I didn’t know what the hell to do. Hide in the backyard so I didn’t have to see them? Peek thru the front window so I can watch them making out in her car? Just continue on with what I was doing in the hopes that he had enough common decency NOT to bring her in the house when I was there? I opted for both 1 and 2. That still didn’t stop my brain from coming up with all sorts of heart wrenching scenarios when I heard her car pull up.
I guess I should just expect to have him stomp on my feelings time and again. Although he truly feels like all of his lies and secrecy are in order to protect me, I see it differently. Anyway, he had effectively ruined my day. It’s not about me though, right? Right. Too bad she didn’t so much as give him a card. Stupid selfish bitch. We talked for a while when he got home before he left to ‘run errands’ and meet a friend for drinks. I raced around to get everything set up while the kids worked on an awesome slideshow that would run on his big ole’ black friday TV in the family room during the party. I had made all of his favorite foods and desserts. I made a poster with his handsome face on it for everyone to sign and leave a little note for him. I decorated the house. I bought him a fairly extravagant gift that I know he wouldn’t buy for himself. I did all these things for a reason. Because he’s a huge priority to me. Regardless of how shitty he (unwittingly) is it to me, I want him to be happy.
Anyway, everyone hid in the front room when he came home and the kids attacked him with silly string while he acted surprised. Then the party started. And he talked to everyone. But me. As I don’t care for his friends and they don’t care for me, I switched into worker mode and just made sure that everyone had food and drinks. Kinda like the hired help. It was no less than an hour in that he finally spoke to me. I guess he has taken his not wanting anyone to think we’re more than friend to the extreme in that he didn’t come near me. At all. Nice. Anyway I think everyone had a good time. Except me.
Thank goodness that a new friend of his (thanks to me) and his wife showed up. I love them. They are genuinely good people. And they like me. As a matter of fact, they kinda love me. They think I’m funny and entertaining. They also totally think that TD and I are a couple thanks to TD being too big a douche to say otherwise. I told them that night that we weren’t. That TD thinks I’m too sarcastic, too ‘fiesty’ and too me. 😦 They were shocked. And think he’s an idiot. 🙂 At least I finally had someone to talk to. We had been out with them to watch football the night before and had a great time. Lots of laughs. Lots of fun. Lots of TD texting the closet dweller during the game. *sigh* Anywhoo, I know Monday night was supposed to be all about TD. ALL about TD. I couldn’t help but get upset every time he would check his phone and text though. As everyone else he knows in life was at his house, I knew who it was. And it hurt my feelings. And I told him that once everyone left. And he proceeded to let me know that he texts a lot of people. Which is probably true, but since everyone else he knows was standing in his kitchen, that excuse was a bit implausible. He has a totally screwy habit of excusing himself to the bathroom in order to text. Which means he goes to the bathroom A LOT. Well as I was cleaning up after the party, I went into the garage to start loading my car and who do I find? TD, standing in the dark garage, texting. Mother Fucker. When I saw him, I just turned around and walked back in as I was embarrassed that I ‘found him’ while he was trying to hide. And mad at myself for getting upset about it. He, in turn, managed to figure out a way to get pissed at me for turning around and walking back in. He said he wasn’t texting her (I didn’t ask), but was texting someone else. Do I believe him? Hell no. Should it matter? Nope. Does it? Yup. Of course another ‘conversation’ ensued. I’m so sick of talking to him about my insecurities (that he’s created).
I don’t want a friend that I have measure my every word and action with. I don’t want a friend that I have to feel bad about wanting to call or text or see. I don’t want a friend that is pissed that his kids love me. I told him I had no idea what to do with the information that he dumped on me Friday night. That it was so unfair of him to blame everything on me. That he can’t just make me feel guilty about everything and then the next day try to back pedal on what the ‘real’ issue is as it’s already stuck in my head. Through all of this, I’m mainly mad at myself for taking the blame when I shouldn’t. For trying so hard to protect his feelings. For putting myself and my well-being behind his. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He’s backtracked on the whole ‘we spend too much time together’ and ‘we talk and text and see each other too much’, but I know that he already said it, so it must be true. I don’t contact him first anymore. I don’t want to do what I’m not ‘supposed’ to. I have a stack of Groupons and Living Socials for fun stuff for he and his kids to do with me that I will now hand over to him so that he can invite the closet dweller in my place as I no longer feel that I can suggest activities. Will he do so? I doubt it, but I now don’t feel comfortable inviting any of them to do things any more. Which breaks my heart. Again.
How can he view our friendship as a negative? How can he claim to be doing all of this for my sake when it’s really in his best interest? How can he claim to hate lying, yet continually do it? How can he blame me for so much that really isn’t my fault? A perfect example of this is that he was not happy that he had to lie about not knowing about the party. He couldn’t just blab to everyone that he knew. I told him, after the fact, to feel free, but that I hoped he realized he would then have to tell everyone what an asshole he was to me on Friday night and that’s why I ended up telling him. The main reason I didn’t want him to say anything is because I didn’t want his kids to know that I blabbed. They had worked so hard on everything……… he still made me feel bad for ‘making’ him lie.
There are so many times I should have walked away. So many times I claimed to ‘be over’ him when I wasn’t. So many times I hadn’t yet been able to get things right in my head. They’re right now. Still probably a bit skewed as we’ve never (and I repeat NEVER) had a traditional friendship, but I understand. I understand that it’s not me. It will never be me. Through it all though, he’s my best friend. My best friend who I can no longer treat or talk to as my best friend. I’m a bit lost ……..again. The ball is in his court. He can throw away our friendship and deal with the consequences when he finally figures out what an idiot he’s been, or he can try to salvage it. I’m done fighting ……. for him and for it. It’s just not worth it anymore.