This blog has has had some very unexpected results. I have made some wonderful friends. Wonderful friends who care about me and my well being. Wonderful friends that live far and wide. Wonderful friends who personally e-mail me their concerns and virtual smacks in the head (which I usually readily ignore). They will never know how much their words mean to me. I take them all to heart. I wish I were strong enough right now to fully listen and do what I know I need to do, but I’m not there yet. YET. Although I received several messages in regards to my ‘non surprise party’ post, this particular letter encapsulated it all. I am posting it for all to see (I hope you don’t mind, dear friend) and so I can refer back to it
daily hourly whenever I need to be reminded……..
First off…UGH! What a nightmare party. I know exactly how you must have felt…pissed that he was a jerk, sad b/c you wanted him to treat you (at very least) like his sweet friend who put so much time and effort into making him happy, guilty for thinking of your own wants and needs, confused at his behavior, used as if you were working the party instead of a guest and friend, insignificant b/c he not only ignored you for the first part of the evening, but also b/c he couldn’t put his phone down for a few hours…..Girl I KNOW how you feel…b/c I have been there…the “friend” of a man who constantly needs me, until he doesn’t..What I’m about to say, you will probably be defensive of…but…he is NOT your best friend. He is not even your friend. I think he once was, but he’s turned his back on that and is now only concerned with himself..You keep trying to salvage all this b/c you don’t want to lose your friendship…but the ONLY person being a friend right now (and for a long while)…is YOU. You are his best friend. You are his security blanket. You are his social life. You are his kid’s friend (and blessedly, they are yours). But he is not your friend…not anymore..Let me remind you what friends are like:.Friends don’t make you feel like shit for wanting to spend time with them. Friends are delighted to be with you.
- Friends don’t play on your insecurities. Friends build you up.
- Friends don’t criticize your quirks. Friends love you in spite of…or more likely BECAUSE of, your quirks.
- Friends don’t openly ignore you. Friends are proud to show the world that you are in their life.
- Friends don’t worry about you being close to their kids. Friends encourage it b/c they would be proud if their kids learned something from you.
- Friends don’t use and take. Friends GIVE and take.
- .I could go on. But my basic point is this: He NEEDS you for whatever reason. He’s scared to be without you. However, I believe he will disappear the moment he has a replacement for you. And THAT is why he doesn’t want people to think you are dating…and he doesn’t want his kids to be attached to you. Because if you become ingrained with the people in his life, it will be harder to shut you completely out. He will be constantly asked about you…people will wonder where you went…he’ll see how much his kids miss you…and his guilt will be amplified..The things he says and does to mitigate the damage he’s done once he’s hurt you (again)…is all to ease his own concious. He hates to feel guilty, like the bad guy. He wants to be able to blame you for things going wrong so he can move on guilt free. Take the party for instance, you worked your ass off to make that happen…you gave him a great party b/c you care about him. By the end of the night, instead of calling the group together to thank you publicly…instead of hugging you and telling you that you made his 50th awesome and unforgettable…he TURNED THE TABLES and instigated a fight with you. Not only did he instigate a fight…but he made it seem as if you had done something wrong.So guess what…he got to go to bed that night and not feel guilty about treating you like “the help” at the party…because he’d decided you were a baaaaad friend to make him lie to people and his kids about knowing about the party….and you were a baaaad friend for being accusatory over his texting..What a DICK!!!!.I’m so, so, so sorry that you are hurting…and that you’ve been hurting for so long. I don’t want to add to it…but I want you to realize that you are losing more by staying, than by letting go. And the messier things get…the more difficult it will be to salvage anything remotely resembling a friendship with him..Once upon a time he was a good man and a good friend…but right now he’s not..It’s all so much easier said than done…and you can’t do anything before you’re ready…but I hope you are ready soon. I’m sad that you are losing time by being in this toxic relationship…and I’m scared he’s going to REALLY hurt you someday soon.
It’s true ……. every single word of it. And it breaks my heart that he’s no longer the man that he once was. I need to stop remembering how he was and recognize who he is today ………… 😦