43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Words From A Very Wise Friend November 29, 2012

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:19 am
Tags: , , , ,
This blog has has had some very unexpected results.  I have made some wonderful friends.  Wonderful friends who care about me and my well being.  Wonderful friends that live far and wide.  Wonderful friends who personally e-mail me their concerns and virtual smacks in the head (which I usually readily ignore).  They will never know how much their words mean to me.  I take them all to heart.  I wish I were strong enough right now to fully listen and do what I know I need to do, but I’m not there yet.  YET.  Although I received several messages in regards to my ‘non surprise party’ post, this particular letter encapsulated it all.  I am posting it for all to see (I hope you don’t mind, dear friend) and so I can refer back to it daily hourly whenever I need to be reminded……..
First off…UGH! What a nightmare party. I know exactly how you must have felt…pissed that he was a jerk, sad b/c you wanted him to treat you  (at very least) like his sweet friend who put so much time and effort into making him happy, guilty for thinking of your own wants and needs, confused at his behavior, used as if you were working the party instead of a guest and friend, insignificant b/c he not only ignored you for the first part of the evening, but also b/c he couldn’t put his phone down for a few hours….
Girl I KNOW how you feel…b/c I have been there…the “friend” of a man who constantly needs me, until he doesn’t.
What I’m about to say, you will probably be defensive of…but…he is NOT your best friend. He is not even your friend. I think he once was, but he’s turned his back on that and is now only concerned with himself.
You keep trying to salvage all this b/c you don’t want to lose your friendship…but the ONLY person being a friend right now (and for a long while)…is YOU. You are his best friend. You are his security blanket. You are his social life. You are his kid’s friend (and blessedly, they are yours). But he is not your friend…not anymore.
Let me remind you what friends are like:
Friends don’t make you feel like shit for wanting to spend time with them. Friends are delighted to be with you.
  • Friends don’t play on your insecurities. Friends build you up.
  • Friends don’t criticize your quirks. Friends love you in spite of…or more likely BECAUSE of, your quirks.
  • Friends don’t openly ignore you. Friends are proud to show the world that you are in their life.
  • Friends don’t worry about you being close to their kids. Friends encourage it b/c they would be proud if their kids learned something from you.
  • Friends don’t use and take. Friends GIVE and take.
  • .
I could go on. But my basic point is this: He NEEDS you for whatever reason. He’s scared to be without you. However, I believe he will disappear the moment he has a replacement for you. And THAT is why he doesn’t want people to think you are dating…and he doesn’t want his kids to be attached to you. Because if you become ingrained with the people in his life, it will be harder to shut you completely out. He will be constantly asked about you…people will wonder where you went…he’ll see how much his kids miss you…and his guilt will be amplified.
The things he says and does to mitigate the damage he’s done once he’s hurt you (again)…is all to ease his own concious. He hates to feel guilty, like the bad guy. He wants to be able to blame you for things going wrong so he can move on guilt free. Take the party for instance, you worked your ass off to make that happen…you gave him a great party b/c you care about him. By the end of the night, instead of calling the group together to thank you publicly…instead of hugging you and telling you that you made his 50th awesome and unforgettable…he TURNED THE TABLES and instigated a fight with you. Not only did he instigate a fight…but he made it seem as if you had done something wrong.
So guess what…he got to go to bed that night and not feel guilty about treating you like “the help” at the party…because he’d decided you were a baaaaad friend to make him lie to people and his kids about knowing about the party….and you were a baaaad friend for being accusatory over his texting.
What a DICK!!!!
I’m so, so, so sorry that you are hurting…and that you’ve been hurting for so long. I don’t want to add to it…but I want you to realize that you are losing more by staying, than by letting go. And the messier things get…the more difficult it will be to salvage anything remotely resembling a friendship with him.
Once upon a time he was a good man and a good friend…but right now he’s not.
It’s all so much easier said than done…and you can’t do anything before you’re ready…but I hope you are ready soon. I’m sad that you are losing time by being in this toxic relationship…and I’m scared he’s going to REALLY hurt you someday soon.
It’s true ……. every single word of it.  And it breaks my heart that he’s no longer the man that he once was.  I need to stop remembering how he was and recognize who he is today ………… 😦

26 Responses to “Words From A Very Wise Friend”

  1. I am very, very, very glad you have someone that cares for you so much they sent you this email. I agree 100% and I too hope YOU are ready very soon to free yourself. Hugs & Love.

    • Thanks RC. Every day will get a little easier. Too bad the only way I know I’ll be able to do this is to get angry at him. I never wanted to end up hating him, but I fear that’s what’s going to happen …… and yes, I’m very lucky to have people that care about me …

  2. everevie Says:

    Wow…she IS wise. Just in case she forgot to tell you: No matter what you choose to do, she’ll still be a supportive friend. After all, it’s your life to live. 😉

    Hugs to you!

  3. lafinwitu65 Says:

    Well said, hopefully soon well done GG. Any decent man is going to at the very least raise an eyebrow to your involvement with TD and probably would not want to risk the drama associated with what you have going on. Its one thing to have guy friends, its a whole other beast having a guy friend that you still pine for. I for one would not touch that with a ten foot pole. While we might not know the specifics, you can tell when something isnt right, or when a girl is truly available and emotional healthy.
    Clean out your dating closet and get ready for a new wardrobe. (like that? I just made it up cant you tell)

    Your awesome, you deserve better and will probably have an easy time attracting awesome. when your not conflicted(or distracted) with TD. Men have a sixth sense about this sort of thing. (unless of course its just a “booty” thing than we dont care at all). Good luck,

    wishing you warm hugs, cold shots from Socal

    • Thanks Lafin. I know u mean well but I honestly don’t think I’m ‘pining’ for him. I would be equally as hurt/upset by any friend that treated me this way. I have a (female) friend that hurt me tremendously by claiming to be too busy to see me and then proceeded to NOT invite me to Thanksgiving (while simultaneously posting all over FB about the big celebration she was having for her friends), but who the hell wants to read about that?

      Being as u haven’t been on any of my dates, u can’t really assume I’m not putting it all out there because I am. Guys just don’t seem to be interested these decades….er’ I mean days…..

      (Hope this didn’t sound bitchy as I always appreciate your input and I didn’t intend it to)

      • lafinwitu65 Says:

        As long as I dont come across as an ass its all good, (I didnt think you were bitchy) from my perspective it seems like you still have a thing for TD, I could lay out bullet points from your blog, but, Consider this when is the last time you dated without the hazy cloud of TD weighing on your mind? I have to think it has an effect on your overall well being, Any friend behaving like that would do so.

        If you were truly “just friends” TD would have no need to hide his phone and you wouldnt be mad about him texting the “CDM” You say there are no romantic feelings and that you are totally available and happy but I am not buying it yet. You are still haunted by TD and what could have been, might have been and could be. That is a tough act to follow.

        • You’re right, none of that should matter (the texting, the phone calls, the anything).I never asked him to hide his phone or excuse himself to the bathroom 14 times a night …. he does that ‘out of respect for me’ *gag* …… you’re right though and I guess ‘haunted’ is a good descriptive …….

  4. ifUseekAmy Says:

    That email was spot on and I had a feeling I knew who it was from and then it was confirmed 🙂

    I hope that you can move on from your (one-sided) friendship with him real soon and without it having to be prompted by you getting angry at him. Truthfully, you should already be completely pissed at him for his actions. And you don’t need to hate him to move on, but you should be hating the way he’s been treating you and that should be enough. xoxo

    • She could never keep a secret 😉 ….. thanks Amy ….. I can’t explain any of my actions or emotions regarding TD …… there is no way in hell I’d let anyone else in the universe (male or female) get away with what he’s done and said …… I still feel the need to protect him and his feelings for some screwy reason …

  5. Citygirl Says:

    Aww GG, so sorry about what happened. I know how you feel. Holding out hope that a guy you care about will reciprocate and see you as the awesome person that you are (and you are!). But he won’t because you have given too much of yourself to him, and now he expects nothing less. That’s why he’s paying so much attention to the closet dweller. She treats him like crap and therefore he will go the ends of the earth to make her see he’s worthy of her time. I hate to make you feel like crap on top of how you are already feeling, but TD doesn’t value you and all the wonderful things you bring to the table. He’s seen all you got, all your cards are on the table. Leave him alone. Don’t answer his calls, texts, knocks at the door, nothing. Give him time to remember all the great things you’ve done and let him simmer for a few weeks, hell, perhaps forever! Yeah, I would cease all communication and end the friendship, but I know you can’t at this time, but at least try to keep him at arm’s length. We women are nurturers and unfortunately the only nurturing men want are from their mommies and women they can’t have easily. I know you’re not at that place yet to give him the boot and you really care about his kids, but the kids will bounce back because kids are resilient. As for us adults, we end up being the basket cases, drowning in our sorrow and unable to move forward for months. I know you don’t want to keep hearing all these comments, but you got a lot of folks here that really enjoy your blog and geuninely like you (as much as we can from someone we only know via your blog) andwe really want to see you with someone who will treasure and value you and make you their priority. Go find him, he’s out there! People say that to me all the time! I’m trying to believe it that’s true. Keep hope alive! 🙂

    • Thank you CityGirl ….. you’ve made some good points. Probably why I’m still single. I do ‘put it all out there’ and lay my cards on the table …. I am incapable of playing games (well I could, I just don’t like to) …. I just wish that someone who I wanted to would pick up my hand and like the cards that he sees ….. it’s not TD and it never will be. I know this in my head. I’m trying to convince my heart of this …. I know he needs me in his life ….. I know he takes me for granted ……. I know this isn’t good for me ……. yet, I still do it …… I have to figure out exactly when I turned into such a punching bag/idiot 😉

      • Citygirl Says:

        I’m the same way, I don’t like playing games. But it’s really playing games per se, it’s more getting to the guy’s level. They just like a challenge, they to work hard at something because it’s makes it more valuable to them. We are nurturers and we just want to please everyone and make sure everyone is taken care of. I guess why they call men hunters. They like the game of getting their prey…I’m laughing as I write this, it’s so ridiculous. Men become bored when something is handed to them. It’s much more fun when they use their manly ways to get something. Makes them feel good. Now you and I, we think closet dweller is cuckoo, but to TD she is someone he can’t get and so it makes him even want her more. It’s a simple game of cat and mouse, nothing deceiving about it, has nothing to do with laying your cards on the table. There is plenty of time for that when he (not TD) to be in a committed relationship. It’s just a simple game that guys are programmed to play.

        • Citygirl Says:

          Wow, sorry for all the missing words! I was trying to leave work and was rushing. Hope you got what I was trying to say! I could be totally wrong, but this has definitely been my experience.

  6. annie Says:

    I have been in a very similar situation, I completely lost myself and let a guy treat me over and over like crap. It drug on for a year and a half, and I lost all respect for myself because I tolerated it. I finally called it off once and for all about a year ago (after about 15 failed break ups).

    I will share my thoughts on my situation, because maybe it will resonate with you a little. I think what it boils down to for me is boundaries. Sometimes my boundaries are way too liberal, and other times way too strict. In the past, I have had no boundaries (emotional and otherwise) with the people who mistreat me and don’t deserve my trust and devotion; and then, the people that prove to be honorable and trustworthy I have too strict of boundaries and I get fearful and don’t get vulnerable and open up to them like I should. I think being vulnerable and authentic with people who are actually available and deserving is way more scary and difficult than being vulnerable with people you know will reject you and treat you like crap. I’m trying to learn how to gradually open up and become vulnerable only in response to people that show me they are consistent and trustworthy.

    I think that you are the only one being exposed and vulnerable in this relationship, and that he has repeatedly shown you inconsistent and non-trustworthy behavior. This just opens you up for hurt and feeling rejected and makes you feel bad about yourself, and he hasn’t shown that he is reciprocating. Putting boundaries in your relationship, or just ending it, will help you regain control and not be so exposed.

    I understand exactly how you feel. Looking back at my situation, a year later I am much stronger and better off. You mentioned not being strong enough to do what you need to do, but I think that you will actually gain/realize your strength by doing what you need to do and put yourself as a priority, not him.

    Also, you are very lucky to have a friend like the one who wrote the email. That is how a friend should treat you, not like TD.

    • Citygirl Says:

      Well said Annie and so true! Been there, done that plenty of times.

    • Thanks Annie ……. I’m just not someone to measure what I say or who I let in ……….. I’ve always been more of an ‘all or nothing’ kinda gal (most likely why I’m still single 😉 ) …. I usually opt for the nothing end of the spectrum, but opted to just be open and honest …… about everything …… I thought he’d appreciate that as he used to be so open about everything ……. do I regret it? I don’t know. Do I wish I would have been honest with myself to start with about this whole situation? Hell yes!

  7. Jacs Says:

    I got an email/response/conversation like that from some very good friends of mine a while back, and it stung…like a bitch, but I needed to hear it. Even to this day, whenever someone treats me like shiznit, these words reverberate between my ears, and I at least think about what friendship with said person means to me. Sometimes it’s louder than other times, but it is always at the back of mind.

    Good friend for writing you that, telling you that, and being completely honest. That is very rare these days!

  8. Matthew Says:

    Me thinks you need to invest in a boxing/kickboxing bag. Print off a 8×11 picture of TD. And go to town each time you need to get angry.

    Healthy? Maybe not. Fun? Definitely!

    In either case, that e-mail rang the sound of truth a lot. Having come out of (wow…5 months ago) a somewhat manipulative relationship that definitely seems like the type of thing going on here. He may, or may not, be aware of what he’s doing (we men can be that naive sometimes)…but in either case he needs time to learn what life would be like without you…period.

  9. Sorry GG :(. You’ve been everything to this clown and yet he never sees you for the awesome person that you are unless it’s easy for him. And while I understand he’s been there for you at times when you needed him I really think it was just a case so he could pat himself on the back and tell himself how great he was. He never understood what he had in you as friend or a “lover” (I hate that term, it sounds so… dumb). I also know how hard it is to let go when it’s time… But you’re frankly fucking awesome and you shouldn’t settle for the lame crumbs he throws…. lub you!

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