Yes, again. There is a new and stellar (aka: not so stellar…..or new for that matter) aspect of my personality that has surfaced over the past year. I am hugely envious of people who have what I want. That sucks! No, I don’t mean shoes, handbags, houses or anything tangible. I mean people that are in love. Or on their way to finding it. Or hell, just dating (more than 4 times) for crying out loud. That was a very big part of TD’s and my ‘issues’. Each time he would meet someone, I would go into ‘why isn’t it me’ mode. And no, I didn’t mean it in a ‘why didn’t you choose me’ thing either (no, really). It was and remains much more of a ‘why the hell isn’t it me’ kinda thing. Like a petulant child I whine to myself and bemoan the fact that so many other people are beating me to ‘happily ever after’. I hate that part of me. I fell apart when my emotional robot of an ex boyfriend coupled up. I fell apart when my sister found a new happy family. And I did it again (and again) when TD found the closet dweller. He told me at the beginning of October that he could ‘really see a future with her’. Why the hell didn’t it actually sink in then? And why can’t I just be happy for others?
I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but never anything intentional and never anything malicious. Mainly they were (and remain) embarrassing. Like crying. A lot. Like really saying ‘why isn’t it me’? Like trying to figure out what others have that I don’t. TD was kind enough to let me know that maybe I’d have better luck dating if I tried to appear more ‘romantic’, btw. I don’t even know what that means! I’m certainly not showing up to a 1st date in lingerie or even broaching anything remotely intimate. As I rarely go on more than one date with any one person, I have no clue what he meant I should do. I’m fairly certain I don’t show up looking and acting like a lesbian field hockey player (not that there’s anything wrong with lesbian field hockey players, mind you). It is a distinct part of my personality to be the class clown and town goofball (or at least I used to be – now I’m just a bitter bitch). His theory is that if I were ‘romantic’, guys would stop wanting to make me their friends and want more. I kinda think that’s bullshit. I think laughter is important and I think it takes a while for me to show that aspect. It’s there, believe me, but I certainly don’t lead with it.
Anyway, there is a certain aspect of TD’s personality that causes him to play victim. All the time. He accomplishes this by deflecting blame or responsibility onto others and surrounds himself in a cloud of half-truths, opting to ‘forget’ the truth and the fabu ability to misdirect. I’ve seen him do it to others. I didn’t think he’d do it to me though. Is it that I’m truly not over his letting me know, after so long, that not only did he never mean any of his ‘it’s you and me forever’ talk, his months of apparently using me for ‘practice’ (as he told me that he thought I was a-okay with the casual hook ups and didn’t think they meant anything so he was following my lead) or letting go of the idea of he and I? I just don’t know. And wish I did. And I’m so upset. It’s a different kind of upset these days though. I’m more pissed off than sad. And for your reading pleasure, I will let you know why. The following is something that he sent me a few days ago. While I will never claim to be blameless and am embarrassed by the things that he was accurate about, I am furious that he would even mention his kids, TVCW, or telling me that I was always ‘temporary’. I could use some thoughts on this people (those 2 of you that don’t hate me for being a simp, that is). I waffle between thinking it’s a nice message or a really shitty one……… enjoy 😦
Very random thoughts here. I’m really stressed out about a lot of things currently. So please bear with me..I don’t know if I can blame this on The Key Wielding Ex GF, but I am very afraid now to tell people something they don’t want to hear. I avoid it by not telling everything. My intent is always good, but sadly do more damage than good sometimes. When you said you no longer trusted me because I did not tell you about the trip right away, it really hurt me. Yes, I put my kids in an awkward position, but my intent was good so I don’t know why you would say you don’t trust me. I hope you understand how hard it was for me to tell you that you could not go on this trip. And no, I did not know you were expecting that or OK with that. Either way, very hard for me..What am I supposed to do when someone wants something with me, that I know another person would not want. Tell you that I need some time and space and hurt her, or tell The Closet Dweller the truth about a given day and potentially end a relationship because she cant handle it now. So I try to appease both or take what I know about each person at the given time and do the best I can. Yes, The Closet Dweller should be more understanding, but if I know that is not the case CURRENTLY, then what am I supposed to do? I end up putting the burden on my good friend which I know is not fair. Very stressful..I feel like I have wronged you in many ways, and I have to live with that. I had only hoped that I brought more to your life that I have disturbed it. You have brought so much to mine, but I always felt SOME of it was temporary and I think that’s where we have a disconnect. I truly thought that our friendship would be more casual when one of us got into a relationship. Not that I wanted it that way, but I could not see it working any other way. You have been involved with my kids and I so much this past year, and I guess I did not expect that and anticipate a time when that would have to decrease. I know you disagree with me, but I feel like you are still wanting to stay involved as much as ever and I’m really stressing on that, only because Im dealing with a “damaged” person in The Closet Dweller. I know that we can all come to an understanding but it will take time and adjustments. Just like it will take time for The Closet Dweller to adjust to my life and my having a female friend. As I said a couple weeks ago. I need time..Im not sure what you are feeling, and forgive my for being blunt and naïve. I think you are concerned that you are being push away for someone else and you are making sure that you still can be involved. We all want that, but I need time to get her used to that idea. You and I have had a lot of issues lately and I know almost all of it is related to her. Just like we had similar issues when it came to The Vacation Crashing Whore. I will certainly take the blame for a lot of that, but not all of it. You tell me that you are OK with me dating, but I know what is not true. Your reactions and feelings say otherwise and I know you are trying very hard to work with me, but it just doesn’t work sometimes. And I feel like a total schmuck for putting you thru so much. Your reaction to the xmas gift was a reminder that we have a real issue here and Im not sure how to deal with it. Even when we worked on the gerbil wall there was so much tension. I thought you were being controlling and you thought I was. To me that means there are a lot of underlying issues..This ski trip was very stressful for me. I was even afraid to tell The Closet Dweller I was going as I know she her house sold and she was having a difficult time with it. I felt like I was bailing on her. When she got divorced I went to vegas two days later. Not exactly there for her. I know I overthink these things and I need to grow some balls, but its just me. Im so stressed about all of this. There is no way I could afford this ski trip, but I promised my kids so it had to happen. Stress, stress, stress. I had a very expensive dinner Saturday night and went to cabin trying to sleep with a huge headache (not alcohol related). After no sleep and still a headache knowing I had a full ski day ahead, I was in no shape to get your warning about facebook. Im not trying to make excuses as there are none, but Im trying to get you to understand the place I was in during that time. I feel I had a valid point as to some of your facebook posts and the timing of them, but I had NO right to approach you like I did. For that I am deeply sorry. I don’t think you realize how much stress I am under right now and how so much of my life is on pins and needles. You, her, my job, my finances, my weight, everything is so fragile right now. Add the holidays to that and its no wonder I have been drinking so much. Do I think you would purposely sabotage my relationship? No. But I do feel you did not take my situation into consideration when you made those posts. Selfish of me, but that is the reality of me and my situation..I still think we need some time apart. Not because of her, but because we have not been good together lately. I certainly don’t want to end our friendship…but we/I am doing too much damage right now. I cant tell you how much you mean to me and my kids and you have been extremely thoughtful and generous in so many ways. I really want us to stay friends, but I don’t want to stress so much. Please give me some time. I really feel that you need time too. I want to stay in touch and talk, but I need space and I am very sorry for being selfish. But I know my limitations and you have seen what happens when I exceed them..Im really rambling and Im sure I have said something to upset you in this, but Im just trying to be honest. Hope your are good..