43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Bitter, Party of 1? Or ……..Yey! You Love When I Post Letters! January 5, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:39 pm

Yes, again.  There is a new and stellar (aka: not so stellar…..or new for that matter) aspect of my personality that has surfaced over the past year.  I am hugely envious of people who have what I want.  That sucks!  No, I don’t mean shoes, handbags, houses or anything tangible.  I mean people that are in love.  Or on their way to finding it.  Or hell, just dating (more than 4 times) for crying out loud.  That was a very big part of TD’s and my ‘issues’.  Each time he would meet someone, I would go into ‘why isn’t it me’ mode.  And no, I didn’t mean it in a ‘why didn’t you choose me’ thing either (no, really).  It was and remains much more of a ‘why the hell isn’t it me’ kinda thing.  Like a petulant child I whine to myself and bemoan the fact that so many other people are beating me to ‘happily ever after’.  I hate that part of me.  I fell apart when my emotional robot of an ex boyfriend coupled up.  I fell apart when my sister found a new happy family.  And I did it again (and again) when TD found the closet dweller.  He told me at the beginning of October that he could ‘really see a future with her’.  Why the hell didn’t it actually sink in then?  And why can’t I just be happy for others?

I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of, but never anything intentional and never anything malicious.  Mainly they were (and remain) embarrassing.  Like crying.  A lot.  Like really saying ‘why isn’t it me’?  Like trying to figure out what others have that I don’t.  TD was kind enough to let me know that maybe I’d have better luck dating if I tried to appear more ‘romantic’, btw.  I don’t even know what that means!  I’m certainly not showing up to a 1st date in lingerie or even broaching anything remotely intimate.  As I rarely go on more than one date with any one person, I have no clue what he meant I should do.  I’m fairly certain I don’t show up looking and acting like a lesbian field hockey player (not that there’s anything wrong with lesbian field hockey players, mind you).   It is a distinct part of my personality to be the class clown and town goofball (or at least I used to be – now I’m just a bitter bitch).  His theory is that if I were ‘romantic’, guys would stop wanting to make me their friends and want more.  I kinda think that’s bullshit.  I think laughter is important and I think it takes a while for me to show that aspect.  It’s there, believe me, but I certainly don’t lead with it.

Anyway, there is a certain aspect of TD’s personality that causes him to play victim.  All the time.  He accomplishes this by deflecting blame or responsibility onto others and surrounds himself in a cloud of half-truths, opting to ‘forget’ the truth and the fabu ability to misdirect.  I’ve seen him do it to others.  I didn’t think he’d do it to me though.  Is it that I’m truly not over his letting me know, after so long, that not only did he never mean any of his ‘it’s you and me forever’ talk, his months of apparently using me for ‘practice’ (as he told me that he thought I was a-okay with the casual hook ups and didn’t think they meant anything so he was following my lead) or letting go of the idea of he and I?  I just don’t know.  And wish I did.  And I’m so upset.  It’s a different kind of upset these days though.  I’m more pissed off than sad.  And for your reading pleasure, I will let you know why.  The following is something that he sent me a few days ago.  While I will never claim to be blameless and am embarrassed by the things that he was accurate about, I am furious that he would even mention his kids, TVCW, or telling me that I was always ‘temporary’.  I could use some thoughts on this people (those 2 of you that don’t hate me for being a simp, that is).  I waffle between thinking it’s a nice message or a really shitty one……… enjoy 😦

Very random thoughts here. I’m really stressed out about a lot of things currently. So please bear with me.
I don’t know if I can blame this on The Key Wielding Ex GF, but I am very afraid now to tell people something they don’t want to hear. I avoid it by not telling everything. My intent is always good, but sadly do more damage than good sometimes. When you said you no longer trusted me because I did not tell you about the trip right away, it really hurt me. Yes, I put my kids in an awkward position, but my intent was good so I don’t know why you would say you don’t trust me. I hope you understand how hard it was for me to tell you that you could not go on this trip. And no, I did not know you were expecting that or OK with that. Either way, very hard for me.
What am I supposed to do when someone wants something with me, that I know another person would not want. Tell you that I need some time and space and hurt her, or tell The Closet Dweller the truth about a given day and potentially end a relationship because she cant handle it now. So I try to appease both or take what I know about each person at the given time and do the best I can. Yes, The Closet Dweller should be more understanding, but if I know that is not the case CURRENTLY, then what am I supposed to do? I end up putting the burden on my good friend which I know is not fair. Very stressful.
I feel like I have wronged you in many ways, and I have to live with that. I had only hoped that I brought more to your life that I have disturbed it. You have brought so much to mine, but I always felt SOME of it was temporary and I think that’s where we have a disconnect. I truly thought that our friendship would be more casual when one of us got into a relationship. Not that I wanted it that way, but I could not see it working any other way. You have been involved with my kids and I so much this past year, and I guess I did not expect that and anticipate a time when that would have to decrease. I know you disagree with me, but I feel like you are still wanting to stay involved as much as ever and I’m really stressing on that, only because Im dealing with a “damaged” person in The Closet Dweller. I know that we can all come to an understanding but it will take time and adjustments. Just like it will take time for The Closet Dweller to adjust to my life and my having a female friend. As I said a couple weeks ago. I need time.
Im not sure what you are feeling, and forgive my for being blunt and naïve. I think you are concerned that you are being push away for someone else and you are making sure that you still can be involved. We all want that, but I need time to get her used to that idea. You and I have had a lot of issues lately and I know almost all of it is related to her. Just like we had similar issues when it came to The Vacation Crashing Whore. I will certainly take the blame for a lot of that, but not all of it. You tell me that you are OK with me dating, but I know what is not true. Your reactions and feelings say otherwise and I know you are trying very hard to work with me, but it just doesn’t work sometimes. And I feel like a total schmuck for putting you thru so much. Your reaction to the xmas gift was a reminder that we have a real issue here and Im not sure how to deal with it. Even when we worked on the gerbil wall there was so much tension. I thought you were being controlling and you thought I was. To me that means there are a lot of underlying issues.
This ski trip was very stressful for me. I was even afraid to tell The Closet Dweller I was going as I know she her house sold and she was having a difficult time with it. I felt like I was bailing on her. When she got divorced I went to vegas two days later. Not exactly there for her. I know I overthink these things and I need to grow some balls, but its just me. Im so stressed about all of this. There is no way I could afford this ski trip, but I promised my kids so it had to happen.  Stress, stress,  stress. I had a very expensive dinner Saturday night and went to cabin trying to sleep with a huge headache (not alcohol related). After no sleep and still a headache knowing I had a full ski day ahead, I was in no shape to get your warning about facebook. Im not trying to make excuses as there are none, but Im trying to get you to understand the place I was in during that time. I feel I had a valid point as to some of your facebook posts and the timing of them, but I had NO right to approach you like I did. For that I am deeply sorry. I don’t think you realize how much stress I am under right now and how so much of my life is on pins and needles. You, her, my job, my finances, my weight, everything is so fragile right now. Add the holidays to that and its no wonder I have been drinking so much. Do I think you would purposely sabotage my relationship? No. But I do feel you did not take my situation into consideration when you made those posts. Selfish of me, but that is the reality of me and my situation.
I still think we need some time apart. Not because of her, but because we have not been good together lately. I certainly don’t want to end our friendship…but we/I am doing too much damage right now. I cant tell you how much you mean to me and my kids and you have been extremely thoughtful and generous in so many ways. I really want us to stay friends, but I don’t want to stress so much. Please give me some time. I really feel that you need time too. I want to stay in touch and talk, but I need space and I am very sorry for being selfish. But I know my limitations and you have seen what happens when I exceed them.
Im really rambling and Im sure I have said something to upset you in this, but Im just trying to be honest. Hope your are good.
Now, I know everyone’s first question is:  what the hell was that about the gerbil thing?  Haha, it was nothing and a total non issue.  To me apparently; not to him though.  The ‘trip’ was a ski trip that he planned that he told his kids NOT to tell me about.  And then proceeded to bring them to my house where one of them let it slip.  The trip itself didn’t matter half as much as seeing the look on his poor son’s face when he realized he’d let the cat out of the bag.  😦 As for the FB thing.  Well, we all know FB is the root of all evil.  To prove my point, something happened over the weekend, regarding MY crazy ex that kinda scared the crap out of me, so I immaturely posted a shitty status update aimed towards him.  When TD saw it, ALL he did was attack me for posting it as he feared that if the closet dweller stalked my page that day, that she might think it was meant for her.  Uhm, yes, I realize how asinine ALL of this sounds.  Too much drama and, contrary to what he accuses me of, it’s not created by me.  Okay, not all of it ………. Anyway, I just don’t know how he can think this is so easy for me to give everything up though.  He forgets all the phone calls, texts and messages from him not wanting to let me go over the past year.  Pulling me back in time and time again.  I guess it’s much easier to see ‘clearly’ and not understand when he’s the one who found someone first.  I assure you that he wouldn’t be as ‘okay’ if the roles were reversed.  He will never admit it, but he has misdirected his anger and frustrations regarding the closet dweller (aka horse face) onto me for the past 2 months.  I just wish he’d realize it.  Although I haven’t reacted all that well, I certainly didn’t deserve all of his yelling at me and blame.  I know that I cause tension in their relationship (that I still can’t figure out after 2+ months) by my sheer existence.  She is jealous and untrusting.  And I’m female.  And apparently retarded for thinking that this fact shouldn’t be an issue.   The easiest way to avoid the entire issue deal with that is for me to be removed from the equation.  Duh.  I guess I had hoped that he would ‘fight’ for our friendship a little more than he did.  He didn’t with the crazy ex, with his wife when she didn’t want me to see the kids, or with the closet dweller.  Yes, I know I’m not the most rational person when it comes to this topic and all some of you are probably thinking that I’m an idiot for thinking this way (I am, duh).  I can’t help it.  At least this time I’m not a crying idiot about it all.  I’m just a pissy bitch.  Yikes, I don’t know which is worse.  Now that I’m gone, I hope everything is hunky dory with them both ……… So I ask you, is that message more nice than not or am I just as fucking jaded these days as I fear? (and yes, I know that I shouldn’t care either way as it’s over with)
If you’re all good and tell me what I want to hear your thoughts on this, I might even post the reply that I wrote.  And never sent ………
(and my sincere apologies for this post being hugely disjointed, confusing and WAY too long)

9 Responses to “Bitter, Party of 1? Or ……..Yey! You Love When I Post Letters!”

  1. I’m sorry, but I don’t think it was nice at all. I think it was self serving and by him writing it and sending it to you it made HIM feel better. He is the victim, always. I was married to that for 23 years. You can’t fix that you just have to decide one day your tired of carrying all the blame for every misfortune that enters their life. It’s a heavy burden that breeds nothing but resentment OR self loathing. I’m sorry your feeling bitter and angry but I get it, can relate to it and think you are very normal. Big hugs GG, this too shall pass. Really.

  2. ifUseekAmy Says:

    I agree 100000% with PDX

    • Thanks Amy. I know you’ve been on this roller coaster with me the whole time too (and most likely have wanted to smack me around at least a dozen times). Aren’t you proud of me for not defending him?

  3. SillyG Says:

    Very much agree with PDX too. There is nothing good in that email and i just kept thinking was what a manipultive victim. Sorry gg. He’s made you bitter and taken enough from you. You are so better without him in your life.

    • Thank you Silly. He really has and at this point, I’m not sure that the good ever outweighed the bad 😦 I’m trying not to be bitter as nothing he did was anything I didn’t allow (or probably even encourage) to happen ……

  4. PDX is right. And what he sent you is a break-up letter. He’s not getting what he wants so he’s dumping you as a friend. I wouldn’t reply to that self absorbed, self pittying prick. Let it go. Let him go. Go hang out with your real friends. Easier said than done, I know, but I’d forget he existed and chalk up the whole experience as a learning lesson. He used you and now he’s done and his stupid email is his way of letting you linger in case he needs something from you again 1 day. I think you should completely cut him out of your life. Forever.

    • Thanks CSB. Every time I re-read that letter (and believe me, I have A LOT), I get something different from it. I ‘get’ that although some of it is worded nicely, all of his apologies are non-apologies and he’s really blaming me for everything ……. still. I certainly don’t need that. I wish I had a tighter knit group of friends locally. I don’t and as the one I thought was the best friend in the world isn’t (and probably never was), I’m just trying to stay busy.

      I’m kinda proud of myself for not pointing out all of the errors in his ‘logic’ and trying to make him understand what he’s being doing the past 2 months regarding blaming me for all his issues with the closet dweller, but I guess, big picture, it doesn’t matter much…….

  5. […] it was long past due.  And that I ended it first.  And then he declared a break.  And sent me a shitty non-apology e-mail.  And that I pretty much haven’t spoken to him since (aside from when I took his daughter to […]

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