43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

If I Had A Magic Wand……. January 7, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:33 pm

I often wonder, with as shitty as things got with us, if I would change anything.  Well of course I would make him fall madly in love with me and basically fall at my feet, but I’m pretty sure that will never happen.  I look back at it all.  The fun times, the closeness, the laughs, the fights, the hurt feelings, the stress and I wonder.  If I could go back in time do I wish I never met him?  Do I wish I walked away sooner?  Do I wish that I weren’t such a fucking stupid optimist for that 1st 6 months?  And just really fucking stupid ever since then?  I really don’t know.  I can’t help but wonder, if I had walked away (and actually stuck to it), would he have changed his mind and come found me.  What if I didn’t stick around way too long and inevitably fuck things up beyond repair?  Where would I be today?

All sappy introverted thoughts aside, that’s not what this post is ……… this post is your reward (or punishment) for sticking with me and following my less than entertaining blog all this time.  I promised to post the letter I wrote TD in response to his.  Be proud of me everyone.  I didn’t send it.  Sure, it sits in my drafts folder and taunts me, but will it do any good?  Will it change anything?  Will it make me feel better?  Will it make him feel worse?  Is it really worth it?

I had an entire e-mail written out before I read yours.  Although I had decided not to send it and to just let everything go, I guess that just isn’t my style.  Resolutions or no.

.

I thank you for all the kind words you said in your message to me.  They really do mean the world to me, as do you and the kids.  I know you don’t like to hear that, but it is what it is.  There was a time when our roles were reversed.  You were the one hanging on too tight and you were the one that didn’t want things to change.  I don’t remind you of all the pleading phone calls and text messages from you that remind me of this, but as you seem to keep bringing some of the same situations up to me over and over, I guess I do feel the need to clarify a few things.

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I think it’s very easy for you to now tell me that you always viewed parts of our friendship as temporary and claim that I’m the one causing issues.  You were lucky enough to find a relationship first, so you just get to be the one looking in.   I always have had every intention of cutting back on our contact once one of us found a relationship TD.  As your stories regarding you and The Closet Dweller have been all over the board, I have never known exactly where you were with that or what I should be doing, so I was following your lead.   You cannot invite me to do things and then get mad at me for accepting.  You certainly cannot get mad at me for Christmas or wanting to spend some time with the kids the day after since I was not working and they were out of school.  That was always going to be ‘gerbil day’ and I was to be a part of it.  Until I wasn’t.  I know you view certain conversations as confrontations and therefore avoid them, but it doesn’t serve you well in the end.  If you just would have sat me down and explained that we needed to cut back on seeing each other instead of getting angry and accusing me of being around too much, the outcome  would have been different.  I don’t deal well with confrontation; it puts me on the defensive and I get very nervous.  There’s something about you that makes me not want to upset you, so instead of standing up for myself, I just try to tread water.  That is horrible for both of us.  It makes me a nervous wreck and you get a warped view of what is going on.

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Admittedly or not, you have been taking your frustrations out on me regarding The Closet Dweller or anything else going on.  You have blown up at me so many times in the past month and a half and I have been trying to figure out what I’ve been doing wrong.  I don’t think you have any idea how hard it is to take the fall for other things going on and for you to not realize that’s what’s been happening.  I’ve been so nervous and on edge around you because I didn’t know what would set you off and as you always blamed whatever on me, I naturally assumed that it was in fact, me.

.

I certainly wish you wouldn’t have brought up The Vacation Crashing Whore.  Again.  That was a different time and place and you still had yet to tell me that everything you’d told me in the past and led me to believe was an untruth.  I don’t know what you would do when faced with 6 months of holding out some sort of hope for something that in the other person’s mind, never existed and not knowing.  It’s embarrassing.  I held onto all the ‘maybes’ and ‘signals’ and whatever else I could to convince myself of something that I wanted.  Yes, in some ways, the Closet Dweller situation is the same in that by never being upfront and honest with me, you leave me to blame myself for whatever is going on.

.

You are well aware that there is an aspect of my personality that I absolutely can’t stand these days and never had any idea that I possessed.  I am exceptionally envious of anyone that has what I am longing for.  It’s not a ‘why didn’t you choose me’ thing.  It’s a general ‘why isn’t it me with anyone’ thing.  I fell apart when I heard that My Ex was in a relationship.  I did the same thing when I found out that My Sister had a new happy family.  And yes, I did the same thing with you.  The whole ‘teddy-gate’ issue had more to do with realizing that you two were more serious about each other than you had led me to believe.  So now I was faced with yet another person beating me to their happily ever after paired with feeling like an idiot for not realizing what was going on.  It’s hard to deal with such a shitty side to my personality and I don’t know how to change it right now.

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Yes, you have wronged me in a lot of ways and sadly, some of those things have done some irreparable harm to my self confidence and faith in people.  I can’t help that.  I know you didn’t do any of it on purpose, but I am left to try and figure out how best to ‘fix’ myself and try to be happy for others again and I can’t have you throwing things in my face repeatedly that I thought I’d already explained.

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I am allowed to get my feelings hurt.  As are you.  It’s not fair that you hold this against me.  I don’t do that to you.  You are such a dichotomy sometimes.  For someone so overly emotional, you’re not very sensitive sometimes.

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You know that I have never been angry with you.  You’ve never seen my temper.  I am good at keeping it in check.  I can’t tell you how angry I was by your reaction to the Facebook stuff.  You couldn’t see past your own preconceptions or how it affected you and The Closet Dweller and I found that appalling.  The fact that NONE of it had to do with either of you and you just wouldn’t let go was pretty eye opening to me.  There is no way I’m going to live my life having to second guess myself for someone else’s benefit.  I do that enough already but to have you attacking me for doing the opposite was shocking to the core.  If you ever want to know the true sequence of events or what really happened, all you have to do is ask. Sadly, you showed me a side of yourself that I never want to see again and that I had in no way, shape or form deserved to have directed at me.

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I hope you understand, in the end, that all I want is for everyone to be happy.  No, I’m not thrilled about backing off from you guys.  You all were the bright spots in my otherwise craptastic year.  Of course I don’t want that to end.  I know it will and is though.  I knew it was inevitable and knew that one day I would just be that ridiculous family friend that you see on occasion.  The fact that you’ve chosen someone with huge trust issues and that I seem to be at the center of those makes that whole ‘quirky family friend’ option a little bit questionable.  I’m allowed to be selfish and worried about myself.  Just because I get sad from not being included in the ski trip or the trip to New York (which, to be clear, I would KILL to be included in 🙂 ) or this year’s beach vacation doesn’t mean that I expect to be.  I think if the situations were reversed, you’d be sad too.  I don’t think that asking if I can still go to your son’s basketball games is too much to ask.  As that’s ALL I’ve really asked for lately, I don’t understand how or why you would say otherwise.  Reading that you somehow always anticipated downgrading me from ‘best friend’ to ‘casual acquaintance’ though is a big fat lie.  And insulting as hell.

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What it comes down to is that I never truly believed that you would fight for our friendship.  You didn’t with your Key Wielding Ex GF,  you didn’t with your ex wife when she didn’t want me to see the kids and you’re not doing it with The Closet Dweller.  You can deny it all you want, but if your best friend were a man, none of these issues would be happening.  He could park his car in your driveway and hang at your house whenever.  He could come to family Christmas and not be made to feel like crap for it.  You could meet him for a drink whenever.  The fact that you try to blame this on me is asinine.  And no, I don’t think you’re doing anything to try to ‘fix’ the situation.  You’re just avoiding it.  Of course it causes stress.  I deserve to still be made to feel like I count.  She doesn’t like the fact that I’m female.  You don’t like the fact that she is unhappy.  Easiest way around that is to have me go away and not have to deal with it.  Viola!  Everyone is stress free and happy.  Oh, except me.  But as the ‘new you’ is entirely self absorbed and selfish, that doesn’t really matter much does it?

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I will always love you as a friend TD.  I’m just finding it so very hard to like you right now though.  You’ve taken me and all that I do for granted so many times and you’re doing it again.  Assuming that I will just hang around and wait for someone else to decide my future.  I’ve tried to warn you about this before.  There is another aspect of my personality that although I’m not fond of, has served me well up until last year when I tried to suppress it.  I can only be pushed so far before I entirely shut down and shut out the person who is doing damage to me.

So that’s the one that I DIDN’T send as it’s probably still much too nice for him and as he’s the king of circular arguments, it wouldn’t do any good as I’d just either get in trouble for it, or I’d get yet another awesome message explaining all the reasons that I am yet again, wrong.

Want to know what I DID send?

Thank you for the time and thought that you put into writing this.  Although I have some things I’d like to clarify, it’s part of my New Year’s resolution (my only one, really) to realize that it’s not important, in the big picture, to be ‘right’ or have someone understand my point of view.

That being said, I’m under an enormous amount of pressure as well and as we haven’t been good together lately, take all the time you need.

And here, of course, is what I SHOULD HAVE SENT:

fuck you

(and you can bet that I’ll be re-working my ‘response’ to him …… it won’t be nearly as nice, but will be honest and hopefully, if I’m lucky, never be sent)

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4 Responses to “If I Had A Magic Wand…….”

  1. Don’t send it, don’t send it, don’t send it. Never reply to him again. Don’t even work at a draft; it’ll eat your brain. I have strong opinions. Lol

  2. ifUseekAmy Says:

    Do NOT send anything even remotely as nice as that draft was. But you know me, I’m blunt and to the point and the last version of “fuck you” is what I would have chosen.

    Anyways, I’ll email you separately or I may just call you to discuss…

    Oh, he’s planning a trip to NYC? Let me know when and where he’s staying and I’ll welcome him and we’ll have a nice little chat. I swear I won’t make him cry……..too much.


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