43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Power Outage March 13, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:14 pm
Tags: , , ,

*warning* short, but introspective and sad(ish) post to follow*

And yes, it involves TD.  Get over it.  Nope, not gonna rehash everything.  Not going to wonder ‘why’.  Or better yet, ‘why not’.  People that used to see us together thought we were the perfect couple ~ even when we weren’t ever technically ‘a couple’.  Everyone told us that.  His friends, my friends, random people in bars.  We were.  We laughed, we glowed, we made each other want to be a better person.  I was at my best with him (for however short a time it was).

I am well aware that I have changed, and not for the better, over the past year thanks to him.  I’ve become sad and unsure of myself.  I’ve questioned myself, him and everything more times than I care to remember.  I know I’m not nearly the person I used to be and that instead of making me a better person like he used to, TD makes me a worse one.

My realtor guru said it best tonight.  We’ve known each other for years.  I consider her a friend.  She called me after meeting TD and I.  Don’t ask why we were together, it’s a business deal that we’re trying to get out of.  She’d never seen us together before.  She has listened to all my bitching and moaning about him and all that he’s done/not done to/for me over the past year and a half.  She thinks I’m a great person.  Fun and lively; witty, smart and thoughtful.  She called me after she left tonight to let me know that although she couldn’t get a good handle on TD from the short amount of time that she was with us, she hated how I ‘changed’ from the time that we were together talking to when he walked in.  She hated who I automatically turned into.  She said it made her sad.  She said that I totally changed and that I reminded her of one of those horrible after school specials where you can always pick out the battered woman.  The one who is being controlled or always afraid of doing something wrong.  She said that was me.  What she also said, that I don’t think I’ll ever forget and makes me exceptionally sad to have let anyone do this to me is simply this:

He walked in and your light went out.  😦 

I may actually cry………

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12 Responses to “Power Outage”

  1. CP Says:

    How sad. I dated a man through the summer and a little bit into the fall. He wasn’t right for me – critical, judgmental, negative, just not a fun person to be with. He wanted to try again after we broke up, and that reunion lasted three weeks, before his same, true self emerged. Yet I’m still not completely over him – a man who made me feel badly about myself. I could not be my fun, adventurous, playful self around him – yet obviously there was something that kept drawing me to him.

    So what I’m saying is, I understand. And your friend was very insightful to pick up on that immediately.

    • Hi CP. Sorry you went through that. I hope you’re well on your way to ‘recovery’ and leaving him in the dust. The odd/shitty/difficult thing with TD is that he didn’t used to be this way ….. we used to be great together ……. strange how people change……. we both did. And neither for the better 😦

  2. Citygirl Says:

    Oh wow. But…what a great friend to be that upfront. I’m sure that was hard for her to tell you just as it was hard for you to hear it. Given what you’ve shared with us about TD, it sounds pretty accurate (again, based on what you’ve said on the blog). Don’t cry, use what she said to move on and be the happy person you are meant or want to be. No man…or person…should ever make you feel that way or change your persona in order to make him feel good. I’ve been there and it took a while to snap out of it, and wonder why in the hell I acted the way I did around him. I am over him and swore to myself to NEVER let another guy change me. I like, no, LOVE myself too much to do that again.

    • I’m so glad you have left him, and the possibility of anyone like him, in the past. I will snap out of it. I’m just disappointed in myself for allowing someone to do this to me. While I knew I was doing it and felt it on the inside, I really didn’t know that it was so obvious to others though. Granted, I wasn’t feeling well last night, but the core of that ‘truth’ that she told me is there 😦

  3. Jacs Says:

    No matter what my ex did to me, live with another women, lie after lie after lie, insult after insult I still wanted to make it work, because I wanted to help him. I felt bad for him and the situation he had made for himself and some how felt it was my lot in life to help him get out of it. Everyone around me knew he hurt me over and over and no one could understand why I still talked to him. I didn’t even understand it. My friends and loved one told me I changed when I talked about him, I became a meak little kitten of sorts whenever anything dealt with him, almost like I couldn’t live without him in my life. It took him to do something that wasn’t even that bad, wasn’t even terrible, but a threat to make my heart and mind LET GO of him. It was the weirdest thing. After being hurt so bad, being led on and strung along until the times suited him. To be only talked to when he fought with her, lied about her etc this threat cut all ties.

    While I don’t want you to go through anymore hurt or pain or insecurities, I understand what you are going through, and I myself have gone through it, more times than I care to admit. You tense up, you straighten your posture, you act like you could care less about the individual, when in fact you want to scream at them and hit them and yell at them for hurting you and making you feel the way you do. TD is a coward for stringing you along and not allowing you the peace you need to move on. While I don’t want him to be nasty to you, or threaten you with words, or actions ( I’ll never speak to you again type deal) I want you to have the same “Aha” moment I had, and see you reach up above your head and turn that light back on. No one deserves to be treated like that, feel the way you do, or look in the mirror and question their validity like we all do so many times in life.

    Your friend is a good one, and you are lucky to have her. 🙂

  4. Matthew Says:

    😦

    Don’t feel sad. Even us guys have those moments.

    When I was still with the Ex, some friends had given me an awesome camera as a ‘thank you’ for shooting their wedding video. I was friggin’ stoked about it and like a typical guy began to immediately play with my new electronic toy.

    That is until the Ex arrived at the house. They made a similar comment a few days later…that all of my excitement seemed to immediately deflate once she arrived.

    It happens to us all. It’s then just a matter of needing time to recognize it and realize…”wow…that f***ing sucked”; and with that we can reclaim who we were/want to be.

    • Glad (not really) to know that it happens to the best of us 😉 and for men as well …… so strange how things change ….. and how obvious things are to others when don’t always fully admit them to ourselves (which I had, I just had no idea you could STILL tell) 😦

  5. Your light is still there burning brightly…I see it. Every time I read what you write. Know that and take away the lessons you have learned from TD. He was put in your life for a reason, just maybe not for very long. That is how it is supposed to be. Cry your tears, it’s good for you xoxo

    • Thank you so much for your sweet comment RNP. I know it’s still there ….. it’s just a hell of a lot dimmer than it used to be or should be. And I’m tired of crying over/about TD ….. he’s taken too many already! I have learned a lot though ….. you’re right about that!

  6. SillyG Says:

    GG…. so wonderful to have a friend that can tell you the truth. It’s sad though to see that happen to oneself. Not the same situation, but I have often thought the last couple months that the drama with Sound Guy sucked all my energy and I am worse off now than before. Losing ones gusto sucks and I hate the fact that I have to try to ‘get it back’


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