The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

It Took A Year, But ………. April 17, 2013

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:41 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

It’s finally done.  No really.  This time it is.  The man brings absolutely nothing positive to my life anymore.  Oh wait, did you all just scream at the computer and call me very colorful names?  That’s okay, I deserve it.  This is what?  The 5th time I’ve said I’m done?  The 5th time I’ve said ‘no, really, this time I mean it’?  Well I really do.  I haven’t written about him lately as I figured I would save you all the effort of having to throw your computers, smart phones, tablets & whatevers out the window.  When last you heard, he was being a major dickhead to me because of The Closet Dweller (who, via text, is not so lovingly referred to as Horse Face).  He was mean to me on his birthday.  He was mean to me on Christmas.  He finally kicked me out of his life a few days after that.  And I went willingly.  I’ll be honest though; I hated how we ended.  It was ugly.  Anyway, sometime around mid February we attempted to tentatively try this ‘friendship’ thing again.  And it’s been a fiasco.  He had broken up with The Closet dweller after 5 fucked up months and I guess needed his ‘friend’ back.  As I’m the world’s biggest moron, I went.  And for a few weeks we were fine.  He took his kids to New York, he texted, we kept in touch.  He told me that he just wasn’t excited about a relationship with Horse Face (sound familiar?  Well it should as those are the exact same words he said about me long ago).  That he just wasn’t thrilled by her.  That he didn’t feel that ‘I can’t live without you’ feeling that he said he always wanted (and again told me he didn’t feel with me).  He said that she was just ‘okay’.  Uhm……… okay.  Then he decided he missed her and that ‘they’ deserved a 2nd chance.  And that’s when things got ugly with us again.  I was jealous beyond belief.  How on earth could this uneducated, fugly, train wreck of a person deserve all the chances and 2nd chances that I never got?  I will absolutely take 1/2 the blame this time.  I turned into this overly emotional, needy, whiny, bitchy mess of a human being and I was pretty hard on him.  As an added bonus, I would insult The Closet Dweller every chance I got *hanging head in shame*.  No, I never actually met her, but I would say bad things to him.  Yes, very mature, I know.  TD has a very long list of double standards that he abides by (he will not respond to a text or phone call when he is with ‘her’, but will not hesitate to text and talk on the phone to her in front of me’.  I hated that.  And was a big baby about it.  TD got very angry with me.  Many times.  And we fought.  A lot.

It all came to a head on Saturday when we went to a poker tournament together.  He had come over earlier in the day to help with a few things around the house and then we went to dinner and the tournament.  Of course, he was texting with her the whole time *gag*.  On one of the poker breaks I went to the bathroom (for all of about 2 minutes) and when I got back he said ‘I know you’re going to be mad, but I have to go meet Horse Face’.  I asked the ever inflammatory ‘why’ (as I kinda thought he was being rude) and he had one of his patented hissy fits and stormed off.  What followed was a lovely strand of text messages between us.  The gist of mine being ‘you had all day to tell me that you were meeting her later and didn’t. thanks for leaving me in a room full of people I don’t know and sticking me with the check’.  He sent back some choice statements of his own.  I ended by typing those words that I never ever said before.  Or if I did, it was a watered down version and I didn’t really mean them. “I Don’t Think We Should Be Friends Anymore”.

After 2 days of silence he sent an e mail letting me know this was mainly my fault and blah blah blah.  I responded by admitting that I have been a whiny, needy, snarky mess lately, but it was caused by him.  And then I told him how much he had hurt me last year and how impossible it was for me to sit by and watch him date and then be in a relationship when all along, I was hoping he’d change his mind.  I also told him his temper was out of control regarding me and that I’d never seen this side of him before.  I told him that he was making me miserable and I needed to ‘go find my happy’ again and I couldn’t do that with him in my life.  He responded with a fairly nice e-mail suggesting that we ‘not be friends right now’.  Uhm, whatever …. I said it first and I meant ever.

So here I sit.  A little bit weepy.  A little bit proud of myself.  A little sad that he never changed his mind about me.  A little ‘what if’ regarding if he would have come found me if I had really walked away back in February (I think he would have).  A bit regretful that it got so ugly and we ended this way.   I know I did the right thing.  He brings nothing positive to my life anymore and I’m sick of being miserable.  TD is all about TD these days so I finally need to be all about me.

The end.  I’m going to die alone ………..



9 Responses to “It Took A Year, But ……….”

  1. 1smiles Says:

    You are not alone.

  2. Cousin Bette Says:

    Oh, you will so not. Been keeping up with you all the time even though I may not be commenting. But I have absolutely nothing to say on the main subject of this blog. So there! By the way, I threw nothing at the computer. I did, however, sigh.

    • OH! I’ve missed you! Why don’t you blog anymore? 😦 I know, I know. It makes me sigh too that I wasted an entire year but I promise you, that this is. I’d rather be alone than feel like shit all the time. The fact that he still takes no responsibility for playing with my head & heart last year and likes to make me feel stupid for it was kind of a ginormous clue to what a shitbag he’s turned into.

      p.s. glad you didn’t throw the computer out the window!

      • Cousin Bette Says:

        I blogged because I had to do it as part of a course. I could have chosen to do something ‘disappearing-up-my-own-intellectual-arse’ or something humorous. I chose the latter. But you know the research nearly killed me! Stella got married this Monday to a very lovely guy – imagine that! Hope for us all! She looked lovely. Might do a blog about it – to ’round off’. I am happily single and not stressing or looking. My crap marriage taught me there is no greater loneliness than being with someone who doesn’t care for you, so I no longer go to those self-destruct places. It only took me 15 years to figure out!! You are a mere novice!

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