feel free to skip right over this whiny-woe-is-me post ….. especially if you’re going to barf having to read the intials ‘TD’ ……….. you’ve been warned
How on earth can I be nervous? I’ve been to that house hundreds of times. I’ve hung out with the kids more times than that. Aside from all of that, I rarely even get nervous, but here we are. 1 hour until I leave to go see TD’s daughter and give her her graduation gift. On a day that is very important to her (and to me). On a day that I know that instead of doing what was right for both me and her and inviting me to be there, TD has opted to take the easy way out and do what was best for him. His ex doesn’t like me. TCDLL doesn’t like me. Well that’s great, I’m not too keen on either of them either. Ya’ know who does like me? S. I can’t believe I’m not welcome there. Just another slap in the face that makes me wonder what the hell I’ve been thinking for the past
year and a half 6 months. Looking back, it’s always been what’s best for him instead of me. And I can’t place all of the blame on him. I’ve coddled him and enabled him to be this selfish. I’ve not stood up for things that were important to me. Today is. And I still didn’t stand up to him. Instead of telling him that I’m going to the party because I love S and S loves me, I made things easy on him by suggesting I come to the house to see her privately. When her mom and TCDLL won’t know I was there.
While I’m happy that I’ll be able to spend some one on one time with her, I certainly don’t want the perception by anyone at the party to infer that I’m not there because S isn’t important to me. Or that it was my decision not to go. Sucks. I bought her a fun present and got her a card. Inside the card I included a letter. One that tells her how amazing I think she is, how proud I am of her, and how I just know that she’s going to do great things in life. You know what I didn’t include in the letter? The fact that I’m heartbroken that I’m not going to be a part of her life to see how amazing she turned out 5, 10, 15 years from now. The fact that I’m not going to her party because her father doesn’t want me there. The fact that I’m worried about her. She doesn’t have a good female influence in her life. Her mom is lazy and TCDLL is just, well, there. I was the one that brought her out of her shell and motivated her to do things. Her two best friends both have jobs and boyfriends. She has neither and I fear that she is getting left behind. I don’t want her to watch life pass her by and think that she’s not capable of doing anything she wants to in this world. She has SO much potential but just needs a little push. One that neither TD nor her mother are prepared or willing to give her. 😦
Anyway, no part of seeing S makes me nervous. Having to see TD does. While I’m tired of being sad and bitter, I certainly don’t want to fall back into thinking he’s a good guy. I know I do better not seeing/talking to/texting with or having any communication with him. I don’t want actually having to see him set me back. I don’t want to see him and feel anything. I want to feel nothing when I look at him. I fear that’s not going to happen. I don’t really trust myself to not delude myself into thinking that any of this or any of what has gone on is right or okay. I count too. I can’t worry about him. If I worry about him and he worries about him, then who’s worried about me? Crap. I think I’m making a mistake going over there ……….