43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

A New Year, A New Knee, A New Me? January 24, 2014

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:57 pm

Hi All!  It’s been a while.  A long while.  A long while full of drama.  All self induced of course.  Okay, not really.  I had nothing much of interest to post towards the end of last year.  I had an impending surgery that I was terrified of.  Although terrified of said surgery, I was also under the very misguided impression that recovery for this surgery would be 3-4 weeks.  Uhm, no.  Try 3-4 months.  More like 6-12 months.  I apparently never knew what pain was before this surgery.  What I would have described as an ‘8’ (on the stellar ‘rate your pain scale of 1-10’) before the surgery would barely hit the 2 mark on pain levels since surgery.  It’s tested everything about me.  My tollerance for ‘real’ pain (apparently I have none), my ability to cope with being completely disabled (not very good), my ability to admit that I need help and to ask for said help (nil), my ability to see ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ (not there yet) and my ability to deal with the fact that it is what it is.  You see, I had my knee totally replaced.  As I’m on the younger end of the spectrum for that I mistakenly assumed my recovery would be all that much easier.  It hasn’t been.  If anything, it’s made everything harder.  I’ve had to swallow my pride and adopt the ways of the geriatric.  It’s been 5 weeks since surgery and I still have to use a cane to walk (at least I don’t have to use my walker in public any more).  I am still in pretty constant pain.  I’m still fairly helpless in that I can’t do much of anything for more than 10-15 minutes a couple times a day.  I’m still stubborn as all get out as although I know I’m supposed to be doing nothing in order to recover, I still have to work and am making things much harder on myself than they need to be.

Anyway, as this is a dating blog and certainly not a rehab one, I will give you the rundown on all that I have learned through this.

1) Getting old sucks

2) No one wants to deal with (much less date) someone who’s about to have major surgery and who will require pretty constant assistance for weeks on end

3) The week before surgery is the worst possible time to (yes, again) tell TD that we shouldn’t ever be friends again

4) That by saying #3 to TD that would mean that although every other time (what are we up to, 6? 7?) I’ve called it quits, he’s checked in at some point with a ‘I miss talking to you’ or a ‘I hope you are well’ text, he really WOULDN’T this time

5) That the fact that he hasn’t done that this time, knowing what a huge surgery I was having, is crushing.

6) That the fact that I didn’t get a Christmas card (they take fun family pics every year – actually I’ve been the one to play photographer for the previous 2 years – not this one) made me cry

7) That the fact that I didn’t even get a 2 word ‘thank you’ text for the Christmas gifts (that I bought before opting to break free) has me baffled

8) That being totally incapacitated and on pain meds makes me a whiny, weepy mess

9) That one of my dogs hates when I cry and runs upstairs (he probably knows I can’t make it up the stairs yet)

10) That the apparent limit for friends to be concerned or patient or check in with me regarding how I’m doing is 4 weeks.  And I’ve surpassed that

11) That my constant desire to not bother or inconvenience others is interpreted as something entirely different by others.  I had NO idea that when I was turning down offers of help or assistance (prior to surgery and since) SOLELY because I didn’t want to put anyone out, it was being interpreted as me not trusting them or my being controlling.  I had NO idea!

I’ve certainly had my fair share of pity parties.  I can’t quite determine if this horrible surgery is the cause of it all or if the TD Factor plays into it.  I’m sure it’s a combination of both.  As I know you all hate to hear about him, I will give my final update on him.  Stop yelling.  I haven’t spoken to him, texted with, written or anything else for more than 6 weeks.  I’ve unfriended him on FB.  I’ve blocked the closet dweller, the nasty ex wife & the crazy ex girlfriend neighbor from being able to see my page.

He’s back with the closet dweller.  For the 3rd time.  They’ve opted, after a year, to make it FB official (I guess they’re 14).  She has taken to posting pictures of them in Vegas, in Tahoe, has friended all of his kids and ‘tags’ him in just about every post that she makes.   Yes, I know, why the hell am I looking at her page?  Better yet, why the hell would I create a fake page for my dog so I could see said page since I have her blocked? (yes, I’m a bigger loser than even I suspected) He’s told me that she’s like a puppy dog and he can’t stand to break her heart (apparently he was okay with doing that to me though).  He’s told me that she doesn’t make him a better person or bring much of anything to the table.  He’s told me that it’s better to be with someone who loves you more than you love them.  And he’s chosen her.  And will never choose me.  I remember all the great times; he chooses to remember the bad.  I think about him every single day but will not contact him.  I just can’t believe that I’ve heard nothing.  Sure, I told him that I couldn’t be friends and technically he’s following my wishes, but he’s never done that before.  I actually texted him, in a panic, when I was in pre-op.  All I wrote was ‘scared’  and he sent some vanilla reply about feeling better when it was all over.  I responded with ‘I wish you were here with me’ to which I got ‘I’m too high maintenance; hopefully this will bring you closer to some good people’.  And that was it.  Nothing further.  He hasn’t checked with my friends, my family, no-one.  I can’t believe it.  I know he probably thinks this is just yet another of my temporary breaks but it’s not.  I’m ashamed and embarassed of the past year and a half.  It’s been destructive for me, for him and for our friendship.  I told him, that fateful day a week before surgery that I felt like I was ‘filler’ for him.  He denied it.  I can’t help but know that he’s absolutely confirmed it.  He’s got the closet dweller now.  He doesn’t need me.  He’s smiling in the pictures that I see on FB but I’m not sure he’s happy.  I guess that’s his deal to figure out.  My favorite picture of me and ‘us’ was from December of 2011.  We were at a comedy show to see a friend.  It’s a great picture.  We both look happy and healthy and pardon my saying it, damn good together.  His pictures with her are just kinda, i don’t know, stiff.  They just don’t seem romantic.  They seem more protective.  And I’m not in them, so of course I hate them. 😉

I always thoughts I was his ‘Cricket’.  Apparently I was wrong.  I’ve got a long way to go in recovering not just from my surgery (which I wish I never had), but from recovering from all the damage that the last year and half has caused.  Why didn’t anyone tell me it was a bad idea to try and remain his friend??

KIDDING!  I know you ALL did.  I just chose not to listen.  And I was wrong.  I’m sorry……………


12 Responses to “A New Year, A New Knee, A New Me?”

  1. Oh sweetie, I hope you feel better soon, on every level. Xox

  2. 1smiles Says:

    Oh you weren’t wrong for not listening… or anything else for that matter. What you were doing was listening to your heart. Nothing wrong with your heart. Just your knee. And yes, your physical healing is indeed connected to your heart ache.
    Many hugs coming your way,

    • Hi Jeannie. Thank you. I know I just wasn’t ready to stick to it before but fear not only that a) I’m going to end up hating him but that b) I’m going to be scared to death to fully trust anyone with my heart again. I wish I could have stayed away sooner and maybe saved us both some sadness. Happy new year.

      • 1smiles Says:

        To be honest, I’m scared of sharing my heart again too.
        Before, I didn’t see a man’s flaws. Then I got my heart broke. Now I only see flaws. I gotta find the balance somewhere in between.
        I’m certainly not free of flaws.. and I hope one day, just one amazing fella will love me in spite of them.
        Be gentle with yourself. Sending you (((hugs))).

  3. I really hate seeing you like this. I hope you mend from your surgery and broken heart soon. TD, in my opinion, can be summed up in three words. 1.) Noncommittal 2.) Selfish and 3.) Arrogant

    I’d throw in a number 4.) Dooshie (but the word has been way overused.)

    Who wants a friend with those qualities let alone a boyfriend/mate?

    I check my email often for updates. Though I don’t always post comments, (for fear of being too honest and hurting your feelings) I never miss a single write up of yours. I’m confident you will get through this mess, and all will end well.

    Take care GG.

    • Thanks Heels. Nice to know you haven’t given up on me. 😉 He always told me that he was selfish and I’M the one that always told him he wasn’t. I’ve never met a more amazingly thoughtful and giving man than I did that 1st 6 months. I’ve also never met a more self involved and selfish man as the one I’ve known for the past year. 😦 I can’t seem to believe that they’re the same person…. thanks for your confidence in my abilities to get through this – I will, but as with my knee, I just want to be better NOW 😉

      Happy new year!

  4. I’m sorry that things are *still* not working out for you with TD. If he’s really gone this time, then at least you can mourn the loss and move on to someone more worthy. It will take time to let him go, but that means you have to start the mourning for it to finish. And what better time than when you’re already down because of…crippling pain (Get it? OK, you don’t have to laugh at that one. This time.)

    Regarding your knee. My Runaway Wife had surgery on her shoulder some years ago. She had an excellent surgeon (he’s now the guy who treats most of the Washington Redskins team). She also was super-determined to follow every last exercise they gave her, no matter how much it hurt. And she recovered completely. I can’t know if your pain is short-term because you’re still recovering from a big op, or if it will get better if you push yourself harder (you didn’t mention this, so I don’t know if you’re being a Good Patient or not). In any case, all the best with your recovery and keep at it until you’re fully back to Gamboling Grey Goose.

    Regarding your friends. Based on being on the other side of the fence, I’d suggest you use Facebook to throw out a general help me / feed me / walk me message to a bunch of them so that many can say, “Oh, you’re ready for me to help? Here’s what I can do for you.” Or contact people individually and squeak your pleas one-on-one. I’m sure that a lot of your friends are only waiting for you to accept their help.

    All the best!

    Cheers, SD.

    • Hmmm, let’s see, I’ve ‘announced’ before that I was done with TD many many times before, so I don’t want to jinx myself, but the sheer fact that I haven’t heard one word from him regarding my surgery or recovery in 7 weeks is a pretty good indication that I am DONE this time. He’s not the man I fell in love with anymore. I have to go back more than a year to dig out a good memory, so that, in and of itself is sad. It’s a shame though, he was an amazing man. He’s seemed to adopt the ways of the closet dweller in being less thoughtful and caring. He doesn’t have to be ‘the best him’ with her, so I guess he’s not. Damn shame.

      As for my TKR, it’s pretty much the most painful surgery and recovery on the books from what I’ve heard (and experienced). I go to PT 3 times a week for 2 hours each time, so I’m doing my part … if only my knee would cooperate, we could be friends again. 😉

      I’m not one to ask for help. I kind of hate that about myself, but gee whiz, to ask for help is to admit that I can’t handle everything on my own! *gasp* I’m sure you’re right that some friends were just waiting for me to ask, but I have been just waiting for them to offer. Kind of a catch 22.

      Hope all is well with you!

  5. M Says:

    Sorry to read that you’re still experiencing hurt regarding TD. I know what you mean about having to dig for a good memory. I have an ex that, for some now unknown reason, I just couldn’t shake. I was determined to be on love with the man he was or I wanted to think he was even as it became clear to me that he was not that person. When I admitted my refusal to accept the truth was more about me and my fear and my stuff I was through.

    On another note, I feel ya on the recovery thing. I had my hip replaced (wow 6 years ago!). I figured (and was told) that my age would be an advantage regarding recovery. Ha! In physical therapy, a man who’d had both hips replaced was easily 20 years my senior put me to shame! I did my exercises no matter how painful or frustrating. That helped. When you feel exasperated remind yourself that sooner rather than later you’ll be glad you had the surgery (I hope).

    • Thanks M. All the other times I thought I was done with TD, I really wasn’t ready and was still defending him and taking all the blame for why things were so bad. I’m not there anymore. While I still take a lot of the blame, I can see things a bit more clearly and certainly don’t want another year like last year. Whether he, or I showed our ‘true’ colors, it just wasn’t good and he’s not the same man as he used to be.

      Thanks for the encouragement with my TKR recovery too – isn’t that the worst? Seeing someone decades older who could basically run circles around you?! Always makes me feel like a slacker (which I’m not). I know that things will get better & easier, but patience is just simply NOT one of my virtues.

  6. SillyG Says:

    GG, that is a huge surgery to have. Glad you’re healing even if slower than you wanted.
    So #11 is my deal too. Wonder what it’s all about….. whatever the case, I know it is a bad trait of mine!

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