So I owe everyone an update. Nope, not on my knee (which still sucks) or my new house (which seems to be shrinking) or my dating life (which seems to be non existent….again), but on everyone’s favorite man you love to hate……
I could make this an epic post and go over the same old shit ad nausea, but I’ll give you all a break and just touch on some highlights. We all know that he didn’t contact me once during my recovery. Not a card, not a text, not a Christmas card – just nothing. We all know that anyone that abandoned me during that time period pretty much got written off as an asshole. We also know that I tend to cut ‘him’ more than a little slack and took the blame for his not contacting. As I did for most of our friendship/relationship/train wreck-ness/whatever. Since I told him we needed to spend time apart, he took that to mean ‘act like we were NEVER friends, that you hate me, and don’t even do the civil thing’. My bad.
Anyway, not a peep from him for 5 months. I never sent a text, an e-mail, placed a call, sent a smoke signal, or anything else in all that time. At a time when I could have used ANYONE’s help and support. Nothing. Anywhoo, about a month or so ago, I get an e-mail. One full of excuses for never checking in. One pretty much putting the blame on me for his not checking in. One stating ‘he hoped I knew how hard it was for him to not to be there for me’. Gag. One stating that he missed my friendship and had no one to talk to about a lot of things. (probably because his girlfriend is an idiot, brings nothing to the table and makes him lesser of a person that he really is). I opted to tell him that since it had been so long and he’d changed so much, that I ‘might’ consider a distant friendship again with him but that we’d need to take the time to get to know one another again and see if this was even something that we wanted. I had/have no desire to see him. I suggested e-mails or texts. We exchanged a couple. He knew I was moving. He knew I was about to get fired from my 2nd job for being on medical leave so long. He knew my knee was a piece of shit. He opted never to check in. Again. No ‘good luck with your move’ (much less an offer to help). No ‘hope your knee is better’. No ‘good luck with job #2’. Just nothing. Each time he would call he would have ‘that tone’ in his voice. Like he was nervous or didn’t want to talk. Uhm, he was calling me. Each time he told me he ‘was concerned’ or ‘needed more time’ or whatever the excuse du jour was.
Here’s the thing, I NEVER CONTACTED HIM! He’s the one who reached out to me, so the fact that he was always pointing out how nervous he was and how he didn’t want last year to happen again was hugely annoying to me. I asked him, last time he called, why he bothered getting in touch with me again. He said he didn’t. That I contacted him. Uhm, no I didn’t. He said he’d have to ‘go back and check e-mails to see’. He called me later (which I let go to VM) and then sent a follow up e-mail saying I was right (no shit), that both he and the closet dweller would ‘need more time’ and that ‘he hoped I knew how hard it was for him not to be there for me’.
Let’s be honest. When he doesn’t check in after my surgery like he said he would; when he doesn’t offer to help with or even wish me luck on my move; when he doesn’t follow through on anything he says (and blames me for it all), NO, I don’t think ‘gee, this must be hard for him not to be there for me’. What I DO think is ‘gee, how rude, I guess he doesn’t give a shit’.
I wrote a very long (and I do mean VERY) e-mail to him explaining all of this. That I hadn’t contacted him. That I was the one that needed to see if I wanted to be friends again. That he needed to stop blaming me for everything that has happened. That if he didn’t want to be a friend, then fine, but that I didn’t have room for crappy friends. That he either needed to step up or go away. That I was fine without him. That although I have
almost let go of the past, he apparently hasn’t. That he needed to forgive both himself and me for all that happened. That if the version of himself that he was offering to me as a friend was the selfish, uncaring and cold one, that I would take a pass. That I wished him well, but that I was tired of dealing with his paranoia about everything and tired of him projecting his issues onto me. I was good. I didn’t bash the girlfriend. Believe me, I know plenty. His kids don’t like her. She’s an idiot. Her kids are ill-behaved and disrespectful. The man I once loved, and who always claimed to hate the things that he puts up with now, has changed. A LOT. And I don’t like who he is now. And I’m not putting up with his shenanigans. His ‘I’m sorry, but this is why everything is your fault’. I’m just not going to do it. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with anyone’s issues other than my own.
I am very well aware that I acted like a fool last year. Okay, and part of 2012 too. That I’m not proud of my actions. That I apologized more times than I can count. That I apologized for things that weren’t even my fault, but in the interest of trying smooth things over, I did.
I am honestly trying not to hate him. I know that hate is not the opposite of love. That apathy is. As of now though, I do hate him. I don’t trust him and I know that I don’t need him in my life. He absolutely could have been my Prince Charming, but he opted out. I don’t miss the version of him that he has been since meeting ‘her’. That has nothing to do with the physicality of what we used to have/not have. It has to do with the fact that his entire personality has changed. He is no longer the caring individual that he once was. At least not towards me. I just don’t have the time or inclination to deal with it. As he is now, he brings nothing positive to the table for me. Should he ever revert back to being the kind, caring and supportive person he used to be, then I may reconsider. That’s the man that I miss, more than he’ll ever understand. As of now though – no thank you.
AND, that uber long and very thorough and detailed e-mail that not one, but three of my friends told me to send him? I didn’t. There’s no point. He sent me that last message saying he hoped i knew ‘how hard it was to not be there for me’. And I sent him nothing in return. You know why? It’s NOT hard for me to not be there for him. He sends me the occasional text, mostly about the kids (who I do still see), but that’s about it. I respond as I would to any joe schmoe off the street, if at all. Progress, right?