guess that’s what I get for throwing something promising out to the universe. I guess I need some help with this one. And by ‘help’, I mean ‘please tell me what I want to hear’. I had no intention of blogging about him. I only blog about my bad dates. Or TD. It’s been so long since I’ve met a good guy with whom I had great chemistry and was excited/hopeful about.
So I went out with that awesome guy again. Yes, I realize it was just date #2, but after having spent hours upon hours on the phone and sending dozens of e-mails back and forth, it seemed longer. Damn you internet dating. As I said he was all about telling me how awesome I was, how he only dates one woman at a time, how much he liked me, how much fun he had with me, how easy I am to talk to. How he’s told me things about himself that his best friends don’t even know. Pretty sure I know this guy inside and out (actually I don’t, or else I’d know how he deals with stress and fear). And I like all that I know.
A few days after our last date, communication sort of died. I know when he gets swamped with work, he’s very single minded. I left him a voicemail on Saturday. I’ve never actually gone to voicemail before. Huh. I didn’t hear back. 😦 On Monday I got an e mail apologizing for his not having called, but he had gotten some bad news about his dad that might require him to go out of town again last minute, that he was swamped with work and trying to get it all done before he had to leave town and wanting to know how I was. I totally understand all of that. I know he must be overwhelmed with work and with worry, but here’s the thing I don’t know. And why I can’t stand overthinking things and being a total worry wart. I haven’t heard from him since Monday. I responded to his e mail. I left him a voicemail on Tuesday. And nothing.
Is it that he’s just retreated because he’s overwhelmed? Is he out of town with his dad? Has he just changed his mind about me? If he was trying to blow me off, why would he bother to send that e-mail to me? Wouldn’t he just have disappeared with no word?
He doesn’t like social media. He doesn’t have a smart phone. He doesn’t text. He doesn’t have a FB page. He either calls or e-mails. Period. Of which he’s done neither. To go from multiple calls and messages a day to not actually speaking to or seeing him in over a week has thrown me for a loop.
I like this guy. I’m pretty sure he likes me. Or at least did. I don’t know what to do. I’m now left to worry about his dad. About him. About whether I should be mad or sad or worried or what. It absolutely sucks to be all 3. I have no right to ask him to ‘clarify’ anything. Especially if he is back home (which he probably is). I know he loves his dad. I know he’s been worried about him. I would assume that if things are bad, he’s not really willing/able to respond to much of anything from anyone.
I just don’t know what to think. Dating aside, I want him to know how worried I am about his dad and that I care. If it were a friend or someone I was more certain of my standing with, I would just send a little note asking how he was, how his dad was and if there was anything I could do. I would check in every now and again and let him know I was thinking of him. I would be okay with no response. I don’t feel I can do that as I would just feel like a complete ass if I contacted him again or sent an e mail if he’s thinking ‘geez, I can’t get rid of this girl’.
He’s told me that he likes a lot of attention from the woman he’s dating. I know that. I don’t want him to think I don’t care. Although from all he knows about me already, he should know that I do. I guess I’m asking what I should do. I left the last voicemail and e-mail. I just need to wait and see if I hear from him again, right? 😦 If it weren’t for his dad being ill (which I know he was very concerned about on his last visit) I’d know he was blowing me off. I just don’t know this time.
I really do suck at dating. I really do hate being hopeful every time my phone rings or I get an e mail notification. I really just hate not knowing….. absolutely sucks when my inherent ‘realist’ side clashes with my ‘hopeful/hopeless/retarded romantic’ side. Ugh.
The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater 
it’s been a really long time since i’ve visited, about 3 years, i think but i wanted to chime in real quick.
get busy, get distracted. it’s been a few days and if you haven’t heard from him by Monday, cut your losses?
Hi Lan! Long time no see! Yup, I’m still whining about men 3 years later…..one of these days I’ll get it right 😉
Hey Love Bug…
I have been in this guy’s shoes. I have been dealing with sickness with both parents since I was 16yrs old. Both parents going back and forth to the hospital, countless trips to the hospital and ER. Medication reminders, and just being the sole care provider since I was an adult. We won’t even discuss the dread you feel about them passing away.
That being said, this isn’t about you. Not about his feelings for you or lack there of… he’s trying to get from minute to minute of his situation and balancing between being hopeful and preparing for the worse. If you bring up your feelings to him or crowd him, he will see it as a weakness and insecurity. More than likely, he will become annoyed because he may see this as selfishness. I know I did when a guy I was just dating, nothing serious, decided to tell me about how he wished he could do more and declared his feelings for me and all he got was the boot.
Email him something brief like what you stated, “I hope all is well with your father. Make sure through all of this you remember to eat and get rest, you don’t know how much your dad will need you during his recovery. If I can do anything let me know.” Send an even more brief VM with the same msg. “Hi, just checking in, hope your dad’s okay. I’m here if you need me.” Then let him contact you. The thought of you thinking of him will be enough, but too much contact from you could prove to be frustrating. He’s getting pulled in a million directions from friends, family, employer and doctors. Give him space to breath. When he has a chance to exhale, if he digs you, he’ll reach out to you.
Later Days,
-K
Thanks sweetie! I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. I know you’re right. I just wish I knew if he was with his dad for sure. Oh well, doesn’t matter. Thank you for your very sound advice. I don’t want to be selfish or add anything else to his plate, so I will send a short e-mail to him in a few days if I still haven’t heard anything and then will leave it up to him. xoxoxo
The other thing I’m worried about… he could be lying about his father being sick. If he is, as my grandma use to say, it will all come out in the wash. I just pray it all comes out before you get all in.
Good Luck baby cakes.
He’s not lying. He was just home a few weeks ago and was very worried about his dad then. I just don’t know the severity of what’s going on…..thanks for the good wishes xoxox
I wouldn’t contact him again. Instead of showing concern, which is what you want to do, he may read it as being intrusive and needy. I’m sure he knows very well that you are anxiously awaiting to hear from him (as I would be also!). Be patient and hold on, I’m positive you’ll know for sure in just a few days. Hope that he reaches out to you very soon.
Thanks Cheryl. I hope he reaches out to me very soon too! 😉
I’m with Cheryl. Don’t contact him again. You’ve contacted him and he knows that you are thinking of him. If he wants to call or email, he will. I was in a similar situation with a guy I had briefly dated, when I found out I had a tumor and needed major (brain) surgery. It completely messed me up and I was very wrapped up in alot of emotions, including facing my mortality, and wondering about my purpose in life, etc. He tried to be supportive and wanted to be there, but I just did not have any emotional energy left to give him and I felt like it was uncomfortable to share something so personal with someone I’d only known for a few weeks. I really wanted my close friends and family as support instead. So I basically ignored him and eventually broke things off with him when he started calling too much. It really didn’t have a reflection on him, it just was where I was at. I actually have a lot of respect for him though and think about contacting him again, because in hindsight he handled my freaking out and breaking up very maturely and respected my need for distance and didn’t push things too much. So, I think you would be best served by just going about your usual business and trying to keep yourself distracted/busy. Honestly, I suspect it will be a turn off to him if you give any impression that you are sitting around waiting for him to call, or if you continue to call/email despite the fact that he is not reciprocating. If he just needs space, or if he is not sure of his feelings for you – your best chance of this developing into anything is by giving him space, continuing on with your life, and letting him make the next move. And if he doesn’t call, then you have kept yourself busy and haven’t wasted time worrying/obsessing about the details. And maybe if now is not the time, he will think of you in the future and recall how you handled the situation so well and he will call then. Just my opinion 🙂 I wish you the best of luck though, and hope this works out for you!
Thank you Annie. I’m glad that you’re okay! I am doing my best to keep busy. Work, friends, happy hours, etc…. but I will ALWAYS have time to obsess and overthink things! 😉 I appreciate your good wishes and thoughts though! Oh! and I think you should totally reach out to the guy you were dating at the time ….. what have you got to lose?
I agree with the above comments, he knows you are thinking of him, get busy doing other stuff, if he contacts you again, sweet…if not carry on sugar, carry on xoxox
I’m doing my best to stay busy/distracted Donna. I know I have no control over this situation. I just hope I find out, either way, soon. Ish. 😉 Hope all is well with you!
Well I totally know what you are going through and it sucks…keep us in the loop!!
If a guy likes you he’s not going to have a issue with you calling him/emailing him again. He said he likes you so I would go with that and hit him up.
Thanks Reema. Appreciate a male perspective! 🙂
I skipped over every comment, and I’m sure you’ve written updates…but I’m just going to comment here and then proceed on and see if I’m any good at perspective.
It could be a case that he’s been silent not only because of being busy with work, and his dad; but also that he doesn’t want to come across as someone who suddenly dumps a lot of things on someone he just started dating. No one wants to come across like a negative Gus, or major downer with all this “life is hard” sort of things.
Stop going to the dark place that screams at you, “He’s lost interest!”, after he has gone dark for just a day (or two…or even three).
As for letting him know you’re there for him…don’t hold back that side of you. If it’s something you want to express…that you want him to know that even though you’ve only gone out a couple of times he has someone to come to in this time of need…then be that person. If things work out he’s going to eventually know that’s the type of person you are. PLUS, if he doesn’t appreciate that sort of quality in a person, do you really want it to work out?
Thanks Matthew. So really? You’d go totally ‘dark’ if shit started hitting the fan? And you’re right – right or wrong, I need to be who I am. I either muck it up more or not, but at least I’m being true to myself…..
If it were someone I had just started dating…it would definitely be a possibility. I wouldn’t want to pull that person into my drama. NOW…if they contacted me, even with a “Hope you’re doing well…etc…etc…blah…blah”, I would respond in some way/shape/form, but my initiation of contact would likely be limited until I felt confiding in them with that level of stuff.
Thanks again, although I don’t really believe you 😉 there’s always a chance…..