As my one loyal follower 😉 just asked, I know I’ve owed you all an update. But to put it in the blog makes it (mostly) true. When last you heard, I hadn’t heard from my unicorn, so against most advice, I wrote to him again. Oh, and one more time after that for good measure. Bad decisions are mostly my thing. I’m not sure this was a bad one though. It just didn’t garner me the response I was hoping for.
I was driving myself crazy with all of my neurotic ‘what if’s’ and ‘what I could have done betters’. Without knowing what was going on with his dad, with him or with me, I was left to either believe what he had told me or decide that he had lied about everything – his feelings and thoughts about me included. I just didn’t want to do that.
I figured it couldn’t hurt (famous last words, right?). If he wasn’t interested, this would just give him one more reason not to be. So I sent him a message. One saying I hoped that he was well. That I hoped that his dad was doing well. That although I knew I had no right to ask and felt hugely lame and selfish for doing so, that I just didn’t know where his head was at regarding me and that I wasn’t sure if he even wanted to be hearing from me or have me checking in.
One of my biggest faults is taking people at their word. And yes, I know how completely fucked up it is to consider that a fault. I believe what people tell me and I don’t ask many questions. I certainly don’t ask questions when I don’t really want to hear the answers. I couldn’t figure out how someone as seemingly sincere, honest, open and forthcoming who had been all about multiple forms of contact each day could do a complete 180. While not being a total Polyanna about things, I know people lie. I know men lie. I just don’t like to acknowledge that when it comes to me. As to do so would prove my dirty little secret fear that at least for me, guys aren’t really interested in ‘me’, they’re just interested in sleeping with me. No, I’m not some great prize and am far from the sexiest woman alive, but my past (fucked up) relationships have sort of supported that thought.
Anyway, I’m getting off target here. So I sent my message to him on Monday night. And he responded 1st thing Tuesday morning. I actually looked at his message sitting in my in box for a good 2 minutes before opening it. And when I did, here’s what it said:
Hi Grey Goose,
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I have been so busy with work and mostly travel. I have been back for a few days. Going back to see dad later this week. dad is not doing too well, so I will most likely be going back and forth for awhile. Not much time for anything else right now. Its not fair for you to be waiting around for me to get things taken care of. I have basically put the rest of my life on hold for right now….its the only way i can deal with these things. I appreciate you checking in to see how things are. The only thing I can say is I can try and get with you when things settle down. i can not say when that will be at this point, but I most certainly don’t want you waiting around for me….or anyone else for that matter.
I will let you know when things calm down. If you chose not to talk to me at that point, I will understand.
Hope all is well. talk to you later.
And there you have it. Nothing flowery or even remotely personal. No ‘I’ll miss yous’. No ‘I wish it could be different’. No ‘I really liked yous’. He’s just not interested enough to let me help. Or for him to keep in contact with. And it sucks. While I DO absolutely believe what he’s saying about his dad, I guess I can’t wrap my head around why I just got shut out. I understand the whole feeling of being overwhelmed and I guess the fact that he didn’t get to know me quite well enough before this happened put me in a disposable category (which may have happened even if we had met sooner). I would like to believe that I will hear from him again in the future. If I do, I will ask how/why he disappeared without a word and will be much more cautious with my feelings (ha – famous last words). I also know that if I do, I will give him a pass. I’m just not sure that I will ever hear from him again… and that makes me exceptionally sad.
As I know you’re all just assuming (and rightly so) that I had to respond one last time, of course I did. And here’s what I sent:
I’m so very sorry for all that you and your dad are going through. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you traveling back and forth while worrying about work, your house, your dad and all else. I do wish we knew each other better so you would know that there’s not much I wouldn’t do to help a friend. I feel bad for your going through this on your own.
Thank you for your reply. Although not what I was hoping for, I completely understand. The last thing in the world you need to worry about is me. I do hope you know what a good man (and son) you are.
Please know that if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever, that I’m here. You can call or e-mail anytime.
Take care of yourself & your dad. I’ll keep you both in my thoughts…..
And thus ends the most interesting thing to have happened in my pathetic dating life in over a year. There is no one even remotely interesting on the horizon for me. I have spent the last few days feeling exceptionally sorry for myself. I try to keep busy and go out and do things with friends, but that horrible thought of ‘if only I were better….’ still lingers in the back of my mind and what might have happened (or not), had the situation/timing been different.
Bleck….. Now would be an awesome time for you all to embrace your own inner Pollyannas and assure me that he is being sincere and that I WILL hear from him again …. oh, and of course, how awesome I am. 😉