Nope, not talking about Thanksgiving and the subpoena to spend time with family. Nor am I really talking about Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanza or even New Years Eve *shudder*. I’m talking about the sheer fact that since 2014 is almost over, I am looking back on all that’s happened this year and all that I haven’t accomplished and it’s kind of been a wasted year. Again. For those of you keeping track, that makes about 3 consecutive so far. Darn.
I hid all my online profiles again. Kinda hard to online date when no one can actually see your profile, right? I only lasted a couple of weeks this last time around. The guys were flakey or not serious or heaven knows what, but they weren’t all that intent on pursuing me and I wasn’t excited enough about any of them to follow up.
I did read a blog post yesterday by someone I’ve been following (no, not literally, that would just be creepy) that reminded me of the younger (if you can call 45 young) me. I wish I could save her the impending heartbreak that is headed her way and although I’m certain she knows what she needs to do, her heart just won’t listen to her head.
I’ve been thinking about TD a lot lately. Not sure why as I really haven’t been. I keep wondering ‘why’, but the fact of the matter is, who cares what the ‘why’ was/is. He wasn’t interested in me. He never was. I was a ‘gap filler’ for him. Someone is better than no one right? Uh, wrong. I stuck around and kept going back in the hopes that he would change his mind. He didn’t and all this served to do was make me jealous and paranoid and admittedly more than a little crazy. It sapped me of my self confidence or ability to see what was going on. I stayed because I wanted it to be me that he ‘talked himself into’ (pathetic, I know), it didn’t happen. It changed me and I’m pretty sure he’s ended up hating me. The fact that he’s now decided he’s in love with horse face (and, btw, given her the same present that he gave his crazy ex) after all the things he’s said about her, boggles my mind. That’s his deal though, not mine.
Do I miss him? Of course I do. Do I miss his little mind/word games and always making me feel bad? Uh, no way in hell. Was I ever in love with him? You bet. We used to be pretty amazing together. That’s not what it turned into though and it took his ignoring my text to come see me in the hospital after my surgery or even check on me in the 4 months following to figure it all out. Sure, I’ve seen him since then and he’s done some exceptionally nice things for me, but I’m pretty sure it’s out of a sense of guilt and nothing else. He projected all blame onto me for all that went wrong. I get it. He told me that he can no longer trust me because I walked away; several times. He doesn’t seem to fully understand the reasons why. In the end though, I just beat him to the punch. I do wish things had turned out differently, but they didn’t.
So basically, I’m alone right now. And it’s not as pathetic as I thought. I have some terrific friends and have been doing all sorts of fun things (thank you meetup). It’s not quite the same as having someone to wake up next to or sit in front of a roaring fire with, but for now, it will do.
Will I go back online? You bet your ass I will. Will I give up on finding ‘my one’? Absolutely not. Will I be 90 years old and sporting an oxygen tank that matches my slippers and belt by the time I find him? Most likely ….