The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Don’t Ask What You Don’t Want To Know… May 17, 2017

I’ve long subscribed to this way of thinking. Also known as ‘bury your head in the sand’. I’ve almost perfected it. Almost. Not always the best way to go about (or not go about as the case may be) things. On my never ending quest to evolve and stop being such a whiny baby, I am trying to be an adult about some thing. Just some. No need to panic.

Remember Repo Man? The seemingly great guy from Bumble that I never actually met? The one who started a ‘relationship’ with (aka, slept with her) the day before we were supposed to meet? The one who checked in on me the entire time he was dating said train wreck? The one who, when he broke up with said train wreck, told me that he wanted to meet but wasn’t quite ready yet? The one who, when he was ready, and after several phone calls, proceeded to cancel our 2nd date due to his dad being sick never to be heard from again? Yeah, that one.

It’s been bugging me as to what ever happened. Yes, I know, but I am apparently no longer the gal that didn’t give a shit what guys thought and knew that if a guy passed me up, that it was his loss and not mine. Damn.

As neither of us ever unmatched the other on Bumble, we could both see that the other was still on there. He even changed his profile photo about a month ago. What? He’s right there, on my home page! Anywhoo, today is the day I figured I would ask. Couldn’t hurt, right? Yes, I know “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”. I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that he was playing with me. That I was his Plan B. I joked about it, until I realized it was true. Oh. Shit.

So I texted him today asking what ever happened. And he told me. And although I know full well that it had nothing to do with ‘me’, it still made me feel like shit. He apologized for being a flake. He apologized for not contacting me. He apologized for not following through. He claimed that he didn’t want to take me on the ‘roller coaster ride’ that he was on. I LOVE roller coasters! Well, not the emotional ones.

He has been ‘off and on’ with his ex. The ex that I counseled him on. The one that he said was thoughtless and self-centered, yet gorgeous. The one that he absolutely didn’t see a future with. You know the 1st fucked up thought that came to my mind when reading this? Well, why wouldn’t he call me during one of his ‘off’ times? How messed up is that?! I know full well that I should thank him for not dragging me into his indecision, but instead I wondered what it was about me that made him (and so many others) decide that I wasn’t even worth exploring? Damn, I hate days like this ……


5 Responses to “Don’t Ask What You Don’t Want To Know…”

  1. Cheryl Says:

    I’ve had a long standing policy to never contact anyone after they are out of my life. Yes, I’ve been curious, left wondering what happened. With the latest one who went poof, I deleted his number from my phone, so that I have no way of contacting him in case I was tempted. We didn’t meet online but more organically, in church of all places.

    I have the feeling that if I sent a “Hi, how are you” text, he’d respond and maybe we’d even go out. But I don’t want to pursue; that’s his job, in my opinion. My daughter said, “Maybe you didn’t show enough interest.” I think I did, but I’m not going to be a puppy dog, jumping on him and drooling to make up for his insecurity.

    P.S. I’ve sworn off online dating sites for this year, and I am a lot healthier emotionally. I found it very discouraging, dismaying, disappointing, disillusioning – you get the drift. Also, soul sucking.

    I’m much more content pursuing other interests like meditation, gardening, writing and volunteering for hospice, and hanging out with friends, both new and old.

  2. In theory, your policy is a sound one! And although I know I should follow it, I don’t. To be honest, I used to follow the strict mindset that the man needs to be the pursuer and I refused to make the 1st move, to follow up or anything of the sort. I don’t really think that way now. Although it may be viewed as being puppy dogish, if there is even an inkling of potential (or not, as my case may be), I will swallow my pride and reach out. I’m seeing too many relationships evolve simply due to the fact that one person reached out after a break or break up to not give it some merit. It absolutely sucks for someone to ‘ghost’, but if you like the guy, I’d take the chance. What’s the worst that could happen? You could still be not dating him? 😉 I hope that you do see him at church at some point in the future and get some resolution Cheryl.

    I FULLY support your decision to not online date for a year. It truly is a bit soul crushing.

  3. Dawn Says:

    It’s funny how we always lament over the “one that got away”….we KNOW it’s not right. You already invested way to much time, effort and emotion into a guy that just isn’t worth it. You are right, be grateful that he is the one that pulled out of your life…cause you weren’t letting go of him. Yes, maybe that’s harsh, but you know I’ve told myself that very same thing 1000 times.
    Why do we care what happened? Closure. You got your answer…the answer you already knew. Time to let it go…cause in the end, you are blocking yourself from being open and available to a guy that might actually be worth your time and effort, and heaven forbid, not require so much effort.
    You know I know of what I speak. You know I have had this same conversation with myself. 🙂

    • Can I just hire you to follow me around and be my voice of reason on a daily basis Dawn? I know, I know. And I would give anyone the same sound advice. When it comes to myself, however, I play by the highly dysfunctional shit-show version of common sense. AKA, NO common sense.

      • Dawn Says:

        Haha…we all do it. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that this is NOT what I would tell a friend. It’s all a matter of remembering that we too are worth better.

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