So I am trying to figure out what to send to NYE date to get him to respond. Mind you, he had always responded in the past, just sometimes with one word answers and had stopped initiating contact on his own. But he always responded. My mind went to shitty anyway and I hate myself for it. I wrote down multiple message that I could potentially send that would have him let me see him. Yes, I am just that insane. Yes, we saw each other exactly twice. Yes, we slept together. I kinda felt that I deserved better than the ‘slow fade out’ and wanted an answer. Kind of like an exit interview. With a bit of self loathing thrown in for good measure.
Out of all the sample messages I wrote; some pathetic, some funny, some needy, for some ridiculous reason I opted for a somewhat curt and shitty sounding one that said I needed to talk to him. That I would make it quick, but it needed to happen. I told him (yes, told, didn’t ask – I hate myself) to let me know when he was available. He responded right away and said I could come over the next day. In hindsight, the way my message was worded, he probably thought I was going to tell him I gave him some sort of disease.
I went over there and was all ready to just blurt out what I wanted to say and ask what happened when that shitty thing that my mind and memory does when I get nervous kicked in. I forgot everything I wanted to say and ask and kinda stood there like an idiot. I may have even called myself an idiot. Nice work, Grey. I stuttered through part of what I wanted to say when he stops me and tells me that he is making some changes, that it was ‘bad timing’ (I HATE that and truly believe that unless you’re about to be incarcerated or be deported, that there is no such thing as ‘bad timing’ if you like someone) and that he was re-evaluating everything. He then told me all that he was going to switch up. That is was nothing I did, it was him. (2nd most hated excuse beside ‘bad timing’ is the ever shitty ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ for which there is NO recourse). For whatever reason, my ridiculous empathy kicked in and somehow the conversation changed to me trying to make him feel better. What. The. Fuck.
Oh wait, it actually gets worse. Much worse. He talks about himself for a bit and all the changes he is trying to make regarding relationships, going to the gym, eating habits, blah, blah, blah and I say ………. wait for it ……….. so, all that being said, could we maybe try this again? Yes, I know. Crickets ……..
What. The. Fuck. Grey. Soooo many tried and true methods of shooting myself in the foot at play ………. *sigh*