The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Dating Down January 29, 2018

Now, before anyone jumps my shit, take a deep breath and just read. Dating down has many connotations. Most of them negative. It implies that you’re better than someone else. That they aren’t as worthy. That they aren’t up to your standards. That is NOT what I am referring to. I don’t look down on others. Well, I do, but not my brave online dates, and if it happens, they usually deserve it for being a shitty human being.

I’m not a shitty person. As a matter of fact, I’m a damn good person. A damn good person who’s a pretty good catch. A damn good person who doesn’t need anyone else’s money. A damn good person who doesn’t care what a person has, but instead cares about who they are as person. A damn good person with some pretty significant insecurities. A damn good person who often hides these insecurities under a thick layer of self deprecation, humor and sarcasm. I’m nothing if not self aware. I know I can be an idiot a lot sometimes. I know at times that I have the emotional maturity of a petulant 7 year old. I own it though. I own it all. All my shit that is tied up in nice little compartments with decorative bows.

Dating down has nothing to do with looks or character or wealth or height or weight or anything that you can put your finger on. It has to do with me owning my shit. It has been proven time and time again that I cannot handle dating someone that I’m totally into. I turn into this crazy insecure idiot that I do not like. It brings out ALL of my insecurities and makes me question (and ultimately ruin) everything. You don’t believe me? Remember everyone’s favorite douchebag TD? The one who ruined my life (and blog) for more than 2 years more like 4years? The one that made me question absolutely everything about myself and what I brought to the table? The one who stole my happy from me and morphed from the most amazing man ever, to one of the worst? I know I had something to do with that. I always do. No one is ever blameless.

I just can’t handle really liking someone. NYE date is a prime example. I went out with the guy twice. I really liked him. If I didn’t get a text from him each morning or if he took too long to respond to a text of mine (according to my fucked up time frame), my mind would take over and I’d start spinning. It’s insane. It makes ME feel insane. It’s not a good feeling and I don’t want to do it anymore.

In the spirit of self preservation, I have decided that I can only date men that I am fairly ‘meh’ about. Guys that I like, but that I’m not 100% into. This doesn’t mean they’re not good people or unattractive, it’s just men that for whatever reason, I don’t connect with. I’m a great date with guys that I’m not all that into. I don’t second guess everything I say. I don’t worry about what they’ll think. I don’t worry if they think I’m pretty. Or if my ass looks big in these jeans. I’m just my authentic self, say what I want and let the cards fall where they may.

I have had a couple ‘meh’ dates since I moved here. I was funny and witty and charming and the guys liked me. They wanted to go out again. I agreed. Nothing has been set up yet, though. Here’s the difference: whereas I would start spinning from not hearing from a guy I like within 2 days (okay, who am I kidding, within 2 hours), I’m actually okay not hearing from them. I don’t obsess over it. My mind doesn’t create stories. My insecurities don’t come racing to the forefront. I’m okay either way hearing from them or not.

While this may sound shitty, I don’t think it is. It could be one of those things where ‘love grows’ or whatever such bullshit you read in a greeting card. I just know that for me, it’s ‘safer’ for me to not care so much. To not be so invested. To not have my mind spinning out of control. I’ve heard time and again people say that you should be with someone who loves you more than you love them. I always thought that sounded pretty sad and was a bunch of bullshit. I think that’s what I need to do though. I can’t handle it otherwise ……

 

15 Responses to “Dating Down”

  1. Ah I hate to think that you have to cut yourself short from someone who drives you crazy because… well they drive you crazy!
    I find myself having to pull back from Captain America, the arrival of the Copper and dating other people really helped keep that under control.

    • I know, it sucks, but I seriously have issues! I’m a killer date if I’m not into a guy. I think it’s so rare that I have chemistry with someone that it throws me off. Every. Single. Time….In theory, your suggestion is a great idea. In reality, I don’t usually have a line up of options 😉 You are kind of my idol in that regard.

      • Haha oh honestly I’m nothing of the sort! I’m just treading water in the whole dating thing!
        Im struggling right now to keep up with the chatting to matches and honestly am only really in constant contact with three guys.
        You just need to relax a little when your with these guys. I’m pretty confident talking to new people because of my work and have taught myself not to be flustered around people I fancy.
        The whole remaining cool when there is no contact is something I doubt I will ever master but I certainly recommend keeping communications open with multiple people helps distract me from the times when one of two of them go quiet!
        I also try to monitor how many times I am the first to message, it means when they do text me checking in I know that they are thinking of me and are not just being polite!

        • The fact that you have ‘only’ 3 seemingly great guys that you’re in constant contact with proves that you’re in a whole other league. 😉 I really am good at talking to just about anyone, it’s the ‘after’ that I drive myself insane with. I find myself texting guys I like 1st more than I should and then YES, I have no clue if they were actually thinking of me or just being polite. NYE date answered one of my texts (the last one, as a matter of fact) a full 36 hours after it was sent! I of course attributed the delayed response to him spending the weekend with some other woman (which is probably true). GAH!

  2. I am going through this right.I met a guy a year ago and he finally asked me out for a drink.We had a good time and he said he wanted to do it again.I didn’t hear from him for a few days and I literally drove myself crazy checking his social media to see what he was up to.He did finally message explaining he was busy but when I hint at going out again he doesnt ask?!He jusy says he’ll text me and he doesnt for days on end.I go dating psycho when I am really into a guy but refuse to put my heart on the line out of fear.This dating down thing maybe the way to go in the future.

  3. I couldn’t agree more with this! As soon as I feel I have lost control and am at their mercy, i lose my shit and turn into a version of myself i really don’t like. I wish i could care less!

  4. Fuck I love this! And I love you! You and I have the exact same experience! If I’m into a guy I know without a doubt that not only will I be an absolute moron (omg is he going to call me? Should I text him? Am I using too many emojis??) but that he is 10000% not a man of quality and there’s a good chance our dates will be at Taco Bell.

    xo
    https://culinarycourtship.blog


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