The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

What A Weekend, Part 2 April 18, 2018

So, ‘all is okay’ was how we ended the day. We’re good. I gave him a hard time, he laughed, he tried multiple times to justify his suspicion and I stuck to my guns. As an afterthought, I totally understood where he was coming from. I would have thought the same thing. I would have just asked though. I wish he would have. He didn’t. I thought we were good though. Little did I know he was keeping ‘score’….

As an aside, and to demonstrate my weird passive aggressiveness, I had planned to change my hair color back to blonde that day. Mr. OoT has only known me with dark hair. He thinks I look better as a blonde. As I was supposed to see him in less than 2 weeks, I decided to go back blonde to surprise him. When we got off the phone the 1st time (he has a weird way of taking other calls when we’re talking and I was annoyed), I was still pissed that he came at me so I put the blonde color away and dyed my hair darker than ever. Welcome to my world.

Anywhoo, forward to the next day and Mr. OoT unexpectedly had the day off from work. We texted off and on throughout the day. We were texting that night when he mentioned that he was driving, so I called him instead. The conversation was weird. He was standoffish and I, feeling pretty insecure and needy always at the time, was a bit of a difficult human to talk to. He brought up a couple of things and I had disagreed with his opinion. What else is new? We have some very different opinions on a multitude of things. We always have. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I didn’t think he did either. That night, however, he HATED that I disagreed and accused me of intentionally shitting on everything he was saying and ‘harshing his vibe’. Uh….. We ended up arguing AGAIN. I have no idea how it happened. When he told me he felt like I was shitting on him, I told him that wasn’t my intention and that his saying that totally hurt my feelings. He either intentionally or unintentionally misunderstood what I meant when I said that. It blew completely up and I was confused as hell. It was like trying to tread water with a 500lb weight tied to me. I saw where things were headed and tried my best to calm things down, but I seemed to just aggravate him more. Our conversation ended abruptly when he hung up on me. My mother used to do that to me all the time and I HATE IT. I also know that sometimes I deserve it. I texted a while later to ask if he was going to call me back and was rewarded with a curt ‘goodnight Grey’. Wow.

He sent me an equally curt ‘good morning Grey’ the next morning. As I hadn’t slept a wink the night before and was uber confused, pissed and hurt, I sent back ‘hi’. I received a ‘we need to talk’ text a while after that. That’s never good news. He called me when he got off work later that night. After a day of me penning different versions of what I wanted to say to him. They varied in degree of shitty and needy. I knew we needed to work on our communication styles. They don’t always mesh. I’ve tried to figure it out and tried to ‘do better’, but apparently I hadn’t.

When we finally spoke, he let me go 1st. I told him my concerns, I had hoped that I explained myself properly and that he would take it for how it was meant. That I liked him (I truly do) and wanted us to be able to figure these things out. That I didn’t think that his leaving town for 3 weeks right after we met was helping things. That phone conversations are different than in person conversations. That he seemed to run hot & cold. That I was feeling insecure in things. That I wanted to do better. That I wanted to understand some things that are a part of his life that are unfamiliar to me and how to better deal with them. Then it was his turn. And to make a long story short (oh wait, too late?), he dumped me. He thinks we’re too different. He thinks the 2 hour distance between us is too much. He wants me to be happy but doesn’t think he’s the one to do that. He’s apparently been keeping track for a while now. He had a whole list of things. Some accurate, some completely not. He hated that I accused him of calling me a liar (because, really, he did) in the previous day’s IG argument. He stated some very interesting/surface differences that he has extrapolated into huge negatives. The fact that I don’t like Game of Thrones (I don’t but was willing to watch with him as he loves it and, btw, who gives a fuck). The fact that I don’t like his favorite musical artist (I don’t; he sucks, but we like a million other artists). The fact that I’m a neat freak (I’m totally not). The fact that I’m unbending (what?). That he’s super inconsistent. That he’s super Libertarian. That he’s super chill & unorganized. All bullshit reasons. Then came the ‘real’ reason. The fact that he feels we just don’t match. We don’t. We’re complete opposites in some regards. In others though, we could basically share the same brain. I don’t view that as a negative. He does. Kind of heartbreaking to hear.

What I KNOW FOR A FACT he was really saying was that he didn’t think we’d make it long term, that he thinks I’ll dump him at some point down the road, that he’s unwilling to try for fear of it not working out and that he doesn’t want to get his heart broken. I know these things because he’s mentioned them all in the past. It’s funny (not really), that when he’s said in the past that he thinks I’ll figure out he’s not the one for me 6 months down the road and he can’t go through that heartbreak, I always (ALWAYS) knew that he had it backwards….

Of course, me being me, I tried to convince him that we could work. That differences aren’t necessarily bad. That we balance each other. That I need more ‘carefree’ in my life. That how on earth can we have such amazing conversations that last forever, yet he think we can’t/won’t work? That how on earth can you opt out of something before even giving it a chance to start? That I didn’t want this. That I want to try and work on this. That I think we, at the very least, should give this a shot. That why, when there is even the slightest possibility of finding happiness with someone, he wouldn’t want to try? He was very measured and even in his responses. He was pretty disconnected. I think he’s been planning this. I think he picked those fights on purpose. I think he was trying to force my hand. He just doesn’t want to try. He is convinced we won’t work. He is convinced he’s not the one for me (he never says that I’m not the one for him). He pulled out the ever infuriating poular ‘It’s me, not you’ line (one of these days I’m going to seriously throat punch a guy for this). He still wants us to be able to talk though. I told him that I wasn’t sure how that would work for me as I’d be wanting something more. I’m pretty sure he picked those fights with me the 2 days prior on purpose to test me. Pretty sure he’s been testing me all along and I’ve been failing. Boo.

How on earth did we go from planning trips together, both being excited about our plans for 2 weeks from now, his invitation for me to come to his family reunion and a million other things to ‘nope, not even gonna try’ within the span of 3 days?

This happened 2 nights ago. We texted a bit later that night and yesterday. I tried, again, to talk him into giving us a chance. I then decided that I was being a huge loser trying to convince someone of my worth. His last text to me was:

This is hard for me too, Grey. I’m hurting as well. I think you’re amazing and want you to find true love. I just don’t think that I’m the one for you and this will get harder the more attached I get.

And I’ve been crying ever since………….

**while I completely know how different we are and have big concerns about things, I am also surprised by how FUCKING sad I am by this. I’m not mad in the least. I’m kind of heart broken. I don’t think I truly realized how attached I was until this happened. I’m a pretty closed off person by nature. He knows more about me than most. He has still chosen to not give us a chance. He has tried to blame it on me with his reasoning. I know it’s his defense mechanism. I know the real reason. Still, the amount of tears that I’ve shed is unexpected. I wish I’d let him in sooner 😦


19 Responses to “What A Weekend, Part 2”

  1. I think rejection, no matter the form, is always hurtful. Even if we didn’t really want the job/the relationship/the whatever – if we get rejected we want it all of a sudden more than we did prior. It sucks to be rejected and I’m sorry your sad and upset. Hugs! Anna x (one half of the Cinnamon Buns and Roses blog)

    • Thanks Anna. It does hurt. I did want this. He is a good balance for me. He makes me laugh. He has a dreamer’s soul. We have insane chemistry. It’s just so crazy (to me) that he would rather run than try.

  2. Ps! Autocorrect made it your instead of you’re…dammit!! My pet peeve

  3. I’m so sorry, that really sucks and I think you’re right about the fights being an “easy” attempt at a break up. I really hate that “refusal to try” stuff. Yes you had a lot of differences – me and my husband are total opposites. We have almost nothing in common, music, tv, books, introvert/extrovert, furniture tastes – the list of things we don’t like equally is endless but it works! He’s being a coward, not only in not giving it a try but in trying to pass the blame.

    • Thank you. I’m just truly blindsided and so damn sad. I think it’s a HUGE mistake to forgo even trying in order to avoid ‘possibly’ getting hurt. In his reasonings, he even backtracked on being jealous over the IG pic. Said he doesn’t get jealous, so it must have been something else. He’s just so scared of getting hurt (aren’t we all?), that I don’t know if I can (or should) try to change his mind.

      • Honestly, I think even if you changed his mind, he’d do this again. I dated a Swede on and off for years. I adored him but he was terrified of having his heart broken. His mother had left his dad (he was an alcoholic) and one weekend when the Swede was 12, he spent all of the Saturday with his son drunk and rambling on about how he couldn’t live without the swedes mother etc etc. The Swede woke up on Sunday morning to the sight of his dad having committed suicide by gun and he was terrified to be in a relationship after that in case a woman made him want to die. We dated on and off for seven years. We got engaged three times but he kept breaking it off. Finally for my sanity, I didn’t let him back into my life but it really broke my heart. He couldn’t change.

        • Oh wow. What a tough merry go round for you. That must have been SO hard to finally pull the plug. I do think Mr. OoT would ‘run’ again in the future. I know it would be even harder in the future to deal with. I still want to give it a go. I fear that it’s my ‘fixer’ mentality kicking in. I just don’t know. It all seems different than normal.

  4. Catherinette Says:

    I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope the fog lifts for you and you’re able to see this as it really is: a blessing that you didn’t get further into it with someone who doesn’t deserve your amazingness. You are a rare gemstone. You are kind. You are funny. You deserve to someone who will treat you like the treasure you are – regardless of whether/not you like Game of Thrones.

    • Thank you so much for these kind (and somewhat exaggerated) compliments. I am just having a harder time than I thought with this. It just doesn’t feel like my usual ‘he dumped me, I’m going to try to change his mind so I can dump him and all will be right with the world again’. The whole thing does remind me a bit of my TD days (which is concerning), but I just don’t know …..

  5. pam Says:

    Mr. OOT committed the ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ out of fear
    he knows you’re the stronger, smarter of you two – yet – you’re great for him
    BUT – this makes him feel insecure.
    He’s been controlling you ever since he understood your greatness.
    A good man wants a woman who is better than he is and supports her.
    Mr. OOT is threated by a stronger, better woman (instead of being inspired by her).
    this is HIS loss
    you do not want his drama

    (just my opinion)

    • Total self fulfilling prophecy with the shitty twist of him dumping me. He is actually highly intelligent; mainly only about things that interest him. Interesting on your statement about his controlling me this whole time. Kinda true. I have been bending over backwards to learn about the things he likes, the crypto, the authors, the comedy, the music, his politics, etc… I think I’ve been trying to prove to him that I could fit into his world. I think he decided early on that he couldn’t (or didn’t want to) fit into mine. Lovely that we are 2 bundles of insecurity with total ‘inner mean girls’ that yell at us constantly. I kind of feel that it is both our losses at this point… 😦

  6. kkatch22 Says:

    Girlfriend, you know I love you. I’m truly sorry your heart is hurting. I am. I know it will get better. I feel like your relationship with this guy was like the movie Inception. Which level of the dream are you analyzing?
    First of all, I’m gonna hit up your statement “I’ve been trying to prove to him that I could fit into his world”. You should never try to adapt yourself to prove something. People fit or don’t fit. You weren’t being rigid on your views on things….he was!!
    Secondly, you waffled back and forth so many times on this guy. You wanted him, you didn’t. You wanted him more when it seemed like he didn’t want you. This is such a typical reaction. We all desire to be desired. It’s typical to do things or want things more when they feel out of reach because “I’m good enough so he/she should want me!”
    Thirdly, this guy is carrying around a bag of damaged goods and trying to unload them on you…hence the 500lb weight.
    You’re hurting because you’re missing the good times you had. But you should be relieved that you can relax and just be you again. When it’s the right person you don’t need to alter everything about yourself. The right person will be attracted to the things that are different. They will be a point of interest not point of contention. I’m sorry for your hurt…but do not go begging this guy to give it a chance just so he can make you crazy even longer!!!!!

    • Well shit. That was a fairly accurate kick in the ass. Much needed though.

      I will say my comment on trying to prove I could fit in his world isn’t completely accurate. I will always try to learn new things and educate myself on what interests someone I’m interested in. He just happens to have strong opinions on a lot of things.

      You are completely right on my waffling. I know I did that. I know what I wrote. I’m just not positive I was truthful about it (even to myself). I cannot actually say, at this point, if my being upset is more a factor of his rejecting me, or that I really wanted to see how this would go. I mean hell, I haven’t been on an online 1st date in weeks! 😉 Also, this isn’t the crazy overly obsessed me that I usually am. This is a much sadder version. Kinda confusing.

      And yes, he is damaged. So am I. I just deal with my bullshit better…He is a good man though and I do think his heart is in the right place. Just not sure if his ego is….

      • kkatch22 Says:

        Maybe because he was so different from the norm for you…you also expected a very different outcome from the norm. I know you had a special connection and felt something special and different for him. But leopards don’t change their spots. Or to quote one of my favorite movies “Zee heeppopotamoose, he is not born saying, “Cool beans. I am a heeppo.” No way, Joesay. So he try to paint zee stripe on him to be like zee zebra, but he fool no one. Then he try to put zee spot on zee skin to be like the leopard, but everyboody know he is a heeppo. So, at certain point, he look himself in zee mirror and he just say, “Hey. I am a heeppopotamoose and zere is nothing I can do about it.” As soon as he accepts zis, he live life happy. Happy as a heeppo.”
        I guess we all need to learn to be happy who we are.
        And yes we all have baggage, life gives us that. But you can’t drag it all around with you trying to unload it on everyone you try to have a relationship with.
        You were dead set on dating others at the beginning. Maybe next time around, don’t set the rules until the players of the game are fully introduced, ie see if there’s a connection worth exploring before setting rules.
        Just some thoughts. You can throw them right out the window.
        Lov ya girly!!

        • Yup. Right again. I did stop blogging about him when I thought we could actually work though. We do have a connection. He even used the argument of ‘a fish can love a bird, but where would they live?’ And yes, me and my ‘rules’ have not served me well. I’m going to blame Mr. English on the initial still wanting to date others thing. Boy was that a mistake 😉

        • And yes, the ‘different from the norm’ factor kept gaining steam. I could use more of that I think 🤔

    • Oh! And we talk about the movie Inception all the time! Freaky you would use that as a reference….

  7. Sorry hun but he’s an ass for his behaviour.
    I completely agree that he picked those fights although I would t say it was to text you but more that he had already made his mind up.
    It broke my heart when I read that you tried to justify things an convince him to give it another go, you are worth more than that and you should never feel the need to sell yourself into someone’s life!

    But I do agree with him it’s certainly is him and not you!
    Chin up, chest out and move on.

    • Thank you. Yes, it is heartbreaking that I feel the need to try and justify why someone should like me. I do it all the time. Always have. He (or anyone) should like me for me. The good, the bad and the ugly. I appreciate your words….I plan on moving on. Just may take me a minute…

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