The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Mind Games April 24, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:18 pm

So it’s already started. The spinning of stories in my head. The stories that Mr. OoT has already found someone other than me. The stories that he is calling someone else baby and sexy since he doesn’t call me either of those any more. The stories that he is giving the attention and time that used to be mine to someone else. I hate that my mind works this way. I want to be positive and hopeful. The fact remains that if I call or text and don’t hear back from him for 3 hours, I assume he’s busy falling for someone else. I am feeling needy and having a hard time balancing my desire to be the cool chick (ha) with my jealousy. I have NO idea if he’s found someone online that he’s excited about (he’s still out of town so I’m driving myself crazy over phone calls at this point – imagine what I’ll come up with when he’s back in town and actually sees them in person). I am just making horribly self defeating assumptions. I know in my heart that my merits stand on their own. I’m smart as hell, funny, easy to talk to, kind & not too harsh on the eyes. While I know this to be true, I still manage to convince myself that I am so easily replaceable. Thanks fucked up self esteem and past history. Gah.

I need to just be able to keep my shit together until this weekend until I can see how we do in person. I told him about the hotel room that I booked and he wasn’t thrilled. He was very nice about it and said he realized how hard this was for me, but I think he took it as a bit of an insult to him. I tried to explain it as a ‘trying to do the right thing and knowing that 3 days is a long time to have me in your place, so I want to be able to give you the space to communicate with the other women’. He took it as I think he’ll be completely disrespectful and rub my nose in the other women (that may, or may not actually exist). That isn’t it at all. That never even crossed my mind that he would do that. I was honestly trying to do the right thing for everyone (even the faceless online skanks). I need to stop giving a shit about ‘doing the right thing’. I don’t care about how ‘unfair’ my visit is for these other women (real or imagined).

I want to ask him where my terms of endearment have gone. I want to ask him how often he wants to hear from me. I want to ask him what the hell is going on. I want to ask him why I got downgraded. I want to ask him that, if by some slight chance that I am able to handle just being in the ‘rotation’, that I truly would be ‘in the running’. All pathetically needy questions. I can’t/won’t ask him though as I also have the fear that he will tell me not to come this weekend. To be clear, he has said/done NOTHING to make me think this way. I think he’s trying to do the right thing by no longer referring to me in such grand and forever terms. By not calling me the little terms of endearment that I have grown to really like. By not calling so much anymore period. Boo me.

I am really looking forward to spending time with him this weekend. I want it to be fun and drama free (meaning: I hope I can keep my shit together while there and be positive and fun). I want us both to realize what it is we want out of the other and stop with the bullshit. I am well aware that the general consensus upon hearing ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ really means ‘I just don’t want a relationship with YOU’. I guess we’ll see. Fucking phone relationships. Such bullshit.

This post wasn’t intended to be about Mr. OoT, but as he’s at the forefront of my thoughts, this is what you get.

(edited to add to this overly disjointed post: I am doing a little better today. I am holding onto the small things that have been said. While not an outright declaration of I WANT TO SEE YOU (which is probably what it would take at this point to get my mind to completely settle) I am concentrating on the mentions of his coming to visit me next; of his son wanting to do an escape room in town; of what we’re doing Friday night; of us being able to joke about being ‘that couple’ in the overly chlorinated hotel indoor pool. Of his installing my windshield wipers for me. Nope, doesn’t seem like much, but it’s helping. A little.)