This will not come as a surprise to
any most of you, but I have a tendency to create issues where there are none. My mind is a self defeating blob at most times. I will take the slightest non issue and spin it into something big in my head. If that’s not bad enough, I will then take that ‘something’ that I have created solely in my head and try to work around it. How, you may ask? By second guessing my every move, thought and statement made. By trying to see everything from his point of view. By attempting to jump into his head and figure out what response or action would be in his best interest.
Uhm, no bueno. Ridiculously self defeating as I almost always end up sticking my foot in my mouth or making the non issue into an actual issue when I do this. Yet, I do. I’m not sure how to stop it. I’m not sure why I do it. When Mr. OoT was all about me and wanted be exclusive and live happily ever after, I freaked out and fought it. I created the situation that I now find myself in. Now that I have been downgraded to ‘just one of the herd’, I drive myself crazy when I should just trust the universe, myself and yes, even him, to do what is right. We haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks! That’s a horrible thing when you only met 7 days prior to that.
We spoke last night (my posts are usually a day behind real time, so we spoke on Tuesday eve). While I (wrongly) assumed that since I wasn’t hearing from him, he was busy falling in love with someone else via phone, I decided to just jump out of my fucking head and call him. And he answered. He had been working on his computer. We chatted at length about ‘surface’ things. He reconfirmed some plans for this weekend. He stopped short of saying anything that would get my hopes up, though. We aren’t flirty any more. This makes me sad. I am hoping this is just a factor of us just not knowing where we stand with the other and this weekend will either help us along, or not. I KNOW that he may be thinking the same thing as I am and waiting for me to restart the flirtation. I KNOW that he 2nd guesses himself too. I KNOW that I build things up (and tear them down) in my head. He may not be worth all of this angst I am creating. Then again, he just might be. I just need to find out.
He’s rogue. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever known before. He operates on an entirely different field than I. I have seen his sensitive side though. I have seen how thoughtful and kind and caring he can be. Sure, he has the world’s WORST memory, but that’s not a factor of his disinterest in me (thanks dad for setting that preconceived notion in my head). I know about all his
not so well hidden demons.
When I told him last night (after running different versions in my head) the bland version that I was ‘looking forward to spending time with him’ this weekend instead of the ‘I’m excited to see you’ version, he responded with a pause (shut the fuck up mean girl in my head) and a ‘yes, it will be fun’. Which I then proceeded to analyze repeatedly.
He did wish me a ‘sweet dreams’ and an ‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow’ at the end of the conversation though, so there is that. Although it is already 8:19am and I haven’t gotten a ‘good morning’ text yet from him. Gah. I annoy myself. For someone as self aware as I claim to be, I’m a bit of an emotional fuck up.
Edited to add: as it’s actually Thursday, Mr. OoT gets home today and I can only assume has a date tonight. After not being near a woman for 3 weeks 😦