The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Well This Never Happens…. August 27, 2018

Filed under: aura,bad dates,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,texting — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:00 am

I am rarely at a loss for words.  When writing or in life, I usually err on the side of word vomit.  Not this time.  Not sure what to make of it all.

 

Lots has happened since I last checked in.  I turned another year older.  Yey.  It was a low key birthday where I received copious amounts of Facebook birthday wishes and met a friend for drinks.  For being the root of all evil, FB is good at making you feel popular and loved one day out of the year.

 

Mr. OoT was out of town for my birthday.  He called, we chatted, he said he’d call me later that day, he didn’t.  Pretty par for the course.  I’m still seeing him.  I think.  I actually counted up and in the past 58 days, we’ve seen each other exactly 4.  That sucks.  One of those whopping 4 days I drove 2 hours there and 2 hours back just so I could spend 3 hours with him.  We had had an argument the evening before, and although we had talked through it on the phone, I wasn’t feeling all that awesome about things and he was about to leave for another 2 weeks.

 

He told me he loved me on one of those 4 days.  It was the last night we were together before I came back home.  He told me he loved me and then it’s as if he completely shut down after that.  I’m not sure if he freaked himself out, changed his mind, didn’t mean it to begin with or what.  I’ve had a hard time with my overthinking and ridiculousness.

 

One of my awesome readers who always offers good advice wrote a comment a while back that has stuck with me.  She posed a question.  Is he worth it?  And I just don’t know.  I feel like I should, yet I don’t.  Do I love him?  I think I might.  Would I miss him if we were through?  Probably.  Would my life change in any significant way?  Probably not.  I have a hard time with not seeing him often.  I get detached.  It feels like every time we’re together, it’s like starting over.  I have this boyfriend that I never see.  I still do things alone.  I still have to handle everything myself.  He is amazing at making me feel loved and secure and pretty awesome when we’re together.  I just don’t think we’re together enough,

 

We are supposed to head out of town this week for a couple days to celebrate my birthday.  I was SO excited about this trip.  I’m not so sure now.  There’s something going on that he’s not telling me.  I don’t mean anything covert, I just mean I’m getting a different ‘vibe’ from him.  He told me last time I saw him, the day I drove up to spend a few hours with him, that he forgets how much he misses me when we’re not together.  I think that’s a problem.  Maybe only in my head, but still.

 

He still calls me his lady, and baby and such, but has never repeated that he loves me.  His mindset though is that once he says something, unless it changes, he may not say it again.  Uhm, that’s not how my brain works.  At all.  Is he worth it?  Do our rare times together make up for all the time apart?  Can I handle having an absentee boyfriend that may or may not be in love with me?  I don’t want to ruin our time together this week with all my incessant worries, so I’m writing them down.  For you.  You’re welcome.

 

35 Responses to “Well This Never Happens….”

  1. kkatch22 Says:

    Okay….I’ve been a little MIA lately, but I’m back. You know I always have something to say. As someone who started my relationship seeing my “boyfriend” one day per month (for over a year) I can give you an honest opinion. I know everyone is different and everyone has different ways of showing love and affection. The question is “are you okay with his lack of showing you love and affection when you aren’t physically together?” If the answer is no…then you know how the story will end.

  2. bingingonabudget Says:

    Thanks for sharing you’re life with all of the blogging community, I love reading your posts. I’ve definitely been there in previous relationships where I didn’t know where the other party stood because a lot of times guys are hard to read. I hope you enjoy your getaway with him for your birthday and that he offers some clarity. If these things are also bothering you I recommend talking to him about it. Having conversations like that are scary, but they will ultimately give you the clarity you’re looking for.

    • Thanks for the kind comment. I will talk to him about this. And I fully plan on enjoying my getaway. Regardless of all else, I LOVE where we’re going!!! I think a lot of this is my re-appearing neurotic insecurities where there shouldn’t be…

  3. ppp1brain Says:

    If he really cared, he would have planned for your birthday – and would have done something on your actual day.

    He says “love” to make you stay – why?
    You’re a quality woman, he has fun with you
    But it does feel like he’s living another life
    around you(just my very limited observation)

    When it’s real, you aren’t wondering and working at it so hard.

    (I’m no expert on relationships – I’ve done lots of observing, however. As far as the opposite sex goes, I like my cat).

    • Thanks so much for your input. In his defense, he did offer to rearrange his schedule to be with me on my birthday. As I couldn’t have that AND my mini trip, I chose the trip 😉

      If anything, I think he’s trying to push me away. He has told me many times that he would understand if I left.

      I have a shitty romantic history. He has a shitty romantic history. I kinda think we’re just 2 somewhat untrusting souls still trying to feel the other one out… maybe 😉

  4. I think the trip will provide a lot of insight. Travel always shows people’s true colors.

  5. kkatch22 Says:

    I personally think you give him way too many passes and put all the blame on yourself when it’s unwarranted. ppp1brain is right, when it’s right, it’s easy and you don’t wonder where the other person is with their feelings because they tell you!

    • He does tell me. I’m just apparently needy as fuck. Yes, I give way too many passes and chances. I always have. I am the living embodiment of the saying ‘you deserve what you accept’….I just don’t know what the F* I want…..

      • kkatch22 Says:

        Yes you do. You may not know “who” you want, but you do know how you would like to be treated. I’m just saying don’t give excuses for others’ bad behavior and put it on you expecting too much of them. If you feel enough to write about it, it’s a real feeling. Writing may be cathartic but doesn’t mean it makes it okay.

          • kkatch22 Says:

            I just don’t want you to spend so much time waiting for the passion and desire to come from someone who isn’t going to give it to you the way you want that you miss out on meeting someone who will. You spend a lot of time convincing us that he’s not as bad as he seems…after you write about him. 🤔

            • The passion and desire are there. They’ve been there since day 1. Although I play dumb sometimes and back pedal, I am able to read between the lines. I know where most people stand on this (and him). I know in my heart that he’s probably not the ONE, but maybe maybe I’m just tired of dating and waiting. For now. Maybe I’m trying to figure out my head and my heart for me. Not him. Maybe for now, good enough is good enough. I’ve said from day 1 that I don’t know what I’m doing and that I’m no good at relationships. Maybe I just write to get things out of my head. Maybe I don’t paint a true picture of things. Maybe I do. I just don’t know. I truly love that you all care so much but let’s be honest; I don’t have many options right now and maybe it’s okay for me to try and just have fun. If only I could get out of my own way….

              • holy shit that made me sound like a defensive loser. gah! I do appreciate everyone’s input

              • kkatch22 Says:

                You deserve “great” not “good enough”! I do so badly want you to be happy and I’m not saying you aren’t. Maybe just not as much as you should be. Don’t settle just because you feel like you’re running out of time or choices.

                • Thank you, my friend. I know I do. I want that too. I am happy. Happy is a relative term on a sliding scale for me though. I do fear I’m running out of time and that kinda scares the shit out of me. Shhh, don’t tell

                  • kkatch22 Says:

                    Dudette, I know all about feeling like running out of time! But as a good friend always told me, “it’s better to be alone and happy with yourself that to be putting up with someone else’s idiot behavior”. It really was when I started being happy enough alone to scratch off guy after guy at the first sign of something that would annoy me that I found someone who swept me off my feet. I can’t wait for you to write me when it happens and say “you were right, it’s SO EASY!”

      • ppp1brain Says:

        Grey,
        You’re not alone.

        Even though I claim my cat (and special needs child) as my life mates – I still dream of a guy- a very special one who will love me as I am and support me in whatever years I have remaining

        However – at the same time – I’ve reached this place where it’s all okay…. I get my place to myself and nobody tells me what to do

        Peace to you

  6. Ah I’ve been MIA for a while and (as I’m sure you have noticed) I’ve only just caught up with what’s going on.
    I’m so torn for you and relate far too well with everything that you say.
    For my little two cents there are a couple of things I have noticed after binge reading the past few months… you are not as excited as you used to be. Or at least you don’t sound it.
    You fought for this relationship and now it seems your fighting to make the original fight with it.
    I could be completely wrong but you just don’t sound as happy as you did before.

    • Hiya. Good to see (read?) you back! You’re absolutely right. I wasn’t as excited about him or ‘us’. I have a strange line that when crossed, is hard to come back from. I never know exactly where that line is as it’s a bit of a sliding scale, but I was super close to crossing it and wasn’t as happy as I have been …..

      • You could see it in your writing, especially as I read it all in one go you could see it slowly start to slip.
        If its any comfort my dating life isnt much different!

        • I just wrote another post explaining more (kind of). It just got the point where I was fighting for something that he either didn’t care about, didn’t want or I didn’t even want …. kind of silly … Oh boo for you and Captain America. Guess I’ll have to read up and see how things transpire for your both!


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