I am rarely at a loss for words. When writing or in life, I usually err on the side of word vomit. Not this time. Not sure what to make of it all.
Lots has happened since I last checked in. I turned another year older. Yey. It was a low key birthday where I received copious amounts of Facebook birthday wishes and met a friend for drinks. For being the root of all evil, FB is good at making you feel popular and loved one day out of the year.
Mr. OoT was out of town for my birthday. He called, we chatted, he said he’d call me later that day, he didn’t. Pretty par for the course. I’m still seeing him. I think. I actually counted up and in the past 58 days, we’ve seen each other exactly 4. That sucks. One of those whopping 4 days I drove 2 hours there and 2 hours back just so I could spend 3 hours with him. We had had an argument the evening before, and although we had talked through it on the phone, I wasn’t feeling all that awesome about things and he was about to leave for another 2 weeks.
He told me he loved me on one of those 4 days. It was the last night we were together before I came back home. He told me he loved me and then it’s as if he completely shut down after that. I’m not sure if he freaked himself out, changed his mind, didn’t mean it to begin with or what. I’ve had a hard time with my overthinking and ridiculousness.
One of my awesome readers who always offers good advice wrote a comment a while back that has stuck with me. She posed a question. Is he worth it? And I just don’t know. I feel like I should, yet I don’t. Do I love him? I think I might. Would I miss him if we were through? Probably. Would my life change in any significant way? Probably not. I have a hard time with not seeing him often. I get detached. It feels like every time we’re together, it’s like starting over. I have this boyfriend that I never see. I still do things alone. I still have to handle everything myself. He is amazing at making me feel loved and secure and pretty awesome when we’re together. I just don’t think we’re together enough,
We are supposed to head out of town this week for a couple days to celebrate my birthday. I was SO excited about this trip. I’m not so sure now. There’s something going on that he’s not telling me. I don’t mean anything covert, I just mean I’m getting a different ‘vibe’ from him. He told me last time I saw him, the day I drove up to spend a few hours with him, that he forgets how much he misses me when we’re not together. I think that’s a problem. Maybe only in my head, but still.
He still calls me his lady, and baby and such, but has never repeated that he loves me. His mindset though is that once he says something, unless it changes, he may not say it again. Uhm, that’s not how my brain works. At all. Is he worth it? Do our rare times together make up for all the time apart? Can I handle having an absentee boyfriend that may or may not be in love with me? I don’t want to ruin our time together this week with all my incessant worries, so I’m writing them down. For you. You’re welcome.