Vacation, Car Rides & Realizations

Without going into all the details, our time away was not all that I had hoped.  We were both at fault.  I tried telling him the 1st night that I felt that we weren’t connecting and that I was feeling completely distant.  That proved to be true and he was feeling the same way.  We still had an okay time (could I sound less enthused?) and had some amazing ‘bike rides’, but I was completely checked out and he was too.  It kind of sucked.  A lot.

 

On our drive back to his place on Friday, we broke up.  To be more precise, we both said completely shitty things to each other in nasty tones of voice.  In a car.  It was ridiculous.  I had gone into the weekend  prepared to end it.  Relationships shouldn’t be this difficult and I felt like I was doing all the work.  His bullshit and my bullshit just don’t mesh.  His non-negotiables are completely asinine to me.  Mine are equally as ridiculous to him.  We’re just different people and apparently we had both been waiting for the other to change.

 

He had been harboring a few things from over a month ago that he never told me about.  They’ve just been festering and growing in his head.  I’ve been resentful as hell about a lot of things.  We layed it ALL on the table and once we were done saying incredibly hurtful things to each other we talked.  We really talked.  We have had super long conversations in the past, but this time we went over everything.  As neither of us had anything to lose, why not?

 

As I’ve said before, his brain works in a completely different way than mine does.  I”m logical and usually have a memory like an elephant.  I never forget.  Unless, of course, my senility is kicking in that day/week/month in which case I can barely remember my own name.  He remembers things disjointedly (if at all).  He attributes things that I NEVER said to things I said.  He remembers conversations that were never had.  He projects things onto me that past girlfriends had done.  It’s weird.  I get it now though.  I see through his bullshit and realize that he is a self sabotager just like I am.  Dangerous combination.

 

He asked if we could be friends.  He promised he would be there for me if I ever needed him.  I said no.  I had no desire to be friends and I highly doubted if I could actually count on him for anything.  Apparently that hit the mark.  He proceeded to tell me things that I’ve been waiting to hear for months.  He shared a level of self-awareness that I had no clue he possessed.  We talked for hours.

 

I ended up staying the night instead of doing the additional 2 hour drive to my house after such an emotionally exhausting day.  He went over to a friend’s house who was going through a difficult time and I took Mr. OoT’s son out to dinner.  When he returned, there was no physical contact (my choice as I slept in my clothes).  We got a lot done the next morning.  More than we ever had before.  He woke up early and brought me coffee in bed.  We problem solved.  We ran errands.  We talked some more.  We laughed.  I left later that day and gave him a hug and said goodbye.

 

He showed up on my doorstep 2 days later.  To be more accurate, he showed up at a little pool party that I was at that I had mentioned in passing 3 days prior.  He met a couple of my friends.  It was a nice surprise.  I was happy to see him.  He helped me at my house with all the things that he has been promising to help me with for months.  The sheer fact that he actually drove the 2 hours to come see me, after my telling him how hurtful it was that he never wanted to do the drive and was only seemingly happy to spend time with me when I uprooted my life and went to him was kind of awesome.  He did all the things I’d been hoping he would.  More than the yard work and handyman fixes was the fact that he sat me down and said how sorry he was.  That he had no idea how hurt I was.  That he would try harder to be the man I deserve.  That I AM worth the 2 hour drive.  The fact alone that he actually uttered the words ‘I’m sorry’ was pretty impressive for him.

 

May sound silly, but it kind of meant a lot.  I have no expectations going forward.  I will not put in any more effort than he does.  It was just a really nice visit.  Short, but nice.  And he’s been super good about staying in touch (I think we’re up to 3 phone calls so far today).  It just seems like this time around, we’ve both stopped pressuring ourselves to make things more than they are…..

 

 

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