The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Reminders January 21, 2020

Why is it that after a year and a half of tantrums (his, not mine), arguments, name calling and all around ridiculousness, my brain is fighting me to not discount all of this and remember all the good times.

All the fun we had.  The times he was sweet and thoughtful.  The time (just once) that he drove to my town to surprise me. The times he was a great boyfriend.  Our relationship was ridiculous.  Both his fault and mine.  I resisted liking him.  I fought admitting that I did.  I didn’t feel he was the type of person that I should be with.  I screwed up our relationship at the very start.  He screwed it up from there.

He has legit anger issues.  He can go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds.  He finds fault in everything.  He takes very little responsibility.  He has zero self awareness.  He fights dirty.  He always held our relationship over my head.  Always threatened to leave.  This last time he actually said, after telling me last time we were together how much he loves spending time with me and how he forgets how good we are together, that ‘he hates spending time with me’.  He did shit like that all the time.  Told me super sweet things and then, next argument, would counter by telling me how shitty I was.  Gah, it was ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I miss him.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’ve had to fight wanting to call him the past couple of days.  I’m not sure why.  Our conversations had gotten boring.  Surface as shit.  I had stopped telling him anything ‘important’ awhile ago as I didn’t want him to end up using anything important to me against me. That’s one fucked up relationship right there.

Could he be sweet and nice and supportive and charming and generous and kind?  Yes, absolutely.  Unfortunately, he could also be the most petulant, mean, petty, immature, over-reacting man alive.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  That I deserve better.  That I deserve someone capable of having a discussion without spinning it into a huge argument.  Someone who realizes that once said, you cannot take shitty comments back.

I do miss Mr. OoT.  I do not miss how he treated me 40% of the time…….


7 Responses to “Reminders”

  1. Mecca Says:

    The 40% of things like, “He fights dirty,” should 100% out-weigh the remaining 60% he treated you kindly.

    I went through the same things early on while I was with Katy. I gave excuses during the bad times that though they were bad we had many of good times too, and therefore kept on giving the relationship a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, etc, etc, etc chance on.

    Looking back I know that the moment she said, during an argument very early in the relationship, “I hate you,” I should have ended things. I often told her after/during fights that I don’t forget words because even if “in the heat of the moment” there’s some truth behind them. She never said she hated me again until another fight closer to the time we broke up but she still fought dirty in other ways (belittling me, blaming me for things, projecting her insecurities on me, etc.).

    You’re better off without him and his toxicity. Surround yourself with friends. Distract yourself with work. Love on the dogs. Do anything but feel bad about not having him in your life any longer. During those times you find yourself looking back on fond memories, remember those 40% memories to kick yourself out of it.

    • Thanks Mecca. You’re 100% right. The 1st time he told me he hated me or called me a bitch (or worse) I should have left. That will be a huge regret of mine that I forgave him for the name calling so many times. I read an article yesterday on toxic, misogynistic relationships and, aside from 1 aspect, it pretty much describes Mr. OoT. Regardless of how mad or angry you are with someone, saying hateful things and name calling is never okay 😦

  2. I agree with Mecca. Don’t call him. Part of your desire to call him is that’s your old habit. Pick up the phone & chat habit. Create a new one to replace it. When you think “I want to call him”, know that instead you will do X (call a friend, take a walk, whatever). I think that will help you through this tough spot.

    Remember- he’s not The One and if you keep him in your life, it doesn’t leave room for the man who is a better partner for you. Stay strong!

    • Hi Maggie. Absolutely. After almost 2 years, it probably is more out of habit than anything else that I want to talk to him. I’ve been good at reminding myself that it was long past time to get off the rollercoaster for very valid reasons and the longer I stay on, the less chance I have of ever getting off and opening myself up to finding true happiness, whether that be alone or with someone else. (Although I must admit, the thought of having to date again kinda makes me want to cry) 😢

  3. I said it once and I’ve literally said it about 100 times reading your posts…. OoT is a twat.

    You my lady are a queen and need a knight in shining Armour not a twat in tinfoil!

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