Why is it that after a year and a half of tantrums (his, not mine), arguments, name calling and all around ridiculousness, my brain is fighting me to not discount all of this and remember all the good times.
All the fun we had. The times he was sweet and thoughtful. The time (just once) that he drove to my town to surprise me. The times he was a great boyfriend. Our relationship was ridiculous. Both his fault and mine. I resisted liking him. I fought admitting that I did. I didn’t feel he was the type of person that I should be with. I screwed up our relationship at the very start. He screwed it up from there.
He has legit anger issues. He can go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds. He finds fault in everything. He takes very little responsibility. He has zero self awareness. He fights dirty. He always held our relationship over my head. Always threatened to leave. This last time he actually said, after telling me last time we were together how much he loves spending time with me and how he forgets how good we are together, that ‘he hates spending time with me’. He did shit like that all the time. Told me super sweet things and then, next argument, would counter by telling me how shitty I was. Gah, it was ridiculous.
Nonetheless, I miss him. I know I shouldn’t. I’ve had to fight wanting to call him the past couple of days. I’m not sure why. Our conversations had gotten boring. Surface as shit. I had stopped telling him anything ‘important’ awhile ago as I didn’t want him to end up using anything important to me against me. That’s one fucked up relationship right there.
Could he be sweet and nice and supportive and charming and generous and kind? Yes, absolutely. Unfortunately, he could also be the most petulant, mean, petty, immature, over-reacting man alive. I need to keep reminding myself of that. That I deserve better. That I deserve someone capable of having a discussion without spinning it into a huge argument. Someone who realizes that once said, you cannot take shitty comments back.
I do miss Mr. OoT. I do not miss how he treated me 40% of the time…….