The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Come…. September 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:47 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

The apology you deserve. The explanation you hoped for. The clarification you needed.  And you know what? That’s okay.

In a year that has been less than stellar for OH SO MANY reasons (I have a plethora of unpublished drafts from this year; and last for that matter), one long awaited positive has come about. I am done with Mr. OoT. Yes, finally. Yes, for real. No really. It’s been 6 weeks since our unnecessarily dramatic breakup. 6 weeks since he told me to (and I quote) “get the fuck out of his life and never speak to his family again”. While I absolutely did the 1st, he can fuck off if he thinks I’ll follow the 2nd.

It was so weird (and by weird, I mean super shitty) how things ended up playing out. We had taken a road trip to see his daughter’s family. Mr. OoT and I had gotten in an argument a few days prior where he threw something exceedingly personal that I trusted him with back in my face. I hadn’t yet forgiven him and wasn’t actually/finally sure that I could or would.

Mr. OoT was SUPER cold to me the entire trip and visit. He was his usual self involved narcissistic self. It was weird/sad/embarrassing/horrifying seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes. His entire family knows exactly who he is and what he’s capable of, so it was no surprise to them when or how it came about. Anyway, seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes was, frankly, embarrassing. Sure, Mr. OoT could be kind and charming and generous and chivalrous and complimentary and amazing when he wanted. He just didn’t want to. With me. Anymore.

I was basically a non entity in our relationship. Everything was always about him and I was (finally) tired of it. I had gone for a drive alone the day before we were set to leave. When I got back to the house I asked Mr. OoT if he wanted to stay an extra day as his daughter and her husband were disappointed that we were leaving the next day. His response to me was that he didn’t want to spend one more second with me than he had to and that he had been miserable every day for the last 6 months. Uhm, what the fuck?!

I have no clue what, exactly, had set him off on that particular day but I told him he either needed to apologize or he could find his own way home (500+ miles away). He opted to “double down” and throw in a few more scathing comments instead. So I did it. I left him there.

It took two and a half overly stressful and self confidence crushing years for me to come to this one conclusion. I DO matter. I SHOULD count. I DESERVE someone who makes me a priority at least part of the time.

I’m not going to lie, I cried most of those 500 solitary miles home. We have blocked each other on social media and have had zero contact (well, aside from that amazingly ill timed funeral thing that following week). Have I missed him? Yes. Have I missed having someone? Yes. Have I wanted to reach out? Also yes. Have I? No. And I’m not going to. I deserve better. I deserve respect and kindness and understanding and romance and butterflies. I deserve someone who will be kind to me even when I’m being a bitch. Someone who won’t hold our relationship for ransom. Someone who will still care when I am exhausted and have nothing to give. I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make everything about him and on his terms; According to what he feels I deserve or have earned at that particular moment.

In these past 2 1/2 years we have fought countless times. Have broken up often. Have gotten back together way too much. He has called me horrible names and ignored my feelings. He has tuned me out more times than I can count. He has violated trusts. I’m self aware enough to realize I’m no picnic to be with, but even at my worst, I deserve unconditional love and kindness.

In the end though it was none of those things (or maybe it was all of those things) that finally had me walk away. I just knew I’d never be able to count on him when it mattered most. I was with a man who actually made me feel lonely and as if I didn’t matter. I don’t want to be lonely WITH someone. No one should be.

And thus, my friends who have waited for 2 1/2 infuriating years for me to finally listen to everyone and move on; I have. For my own feeling of self worth. For my own happiness. And, of course, for my horrifying stories of online dating. You’re welcome. 😉


8 Responses to “Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Come….”

  1. You know what? No one has to live your life but you. We’ve all been there and stayed past when we should have done. It comes down to this: it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. If the time isn’t right for YOU then it isn’t. The only reason you haven’t given up on him is because while he’s a shorty person, you aren’t. While there’s any hope of redemption it’s hard to give up. When it’s finally done with isn’t anyone else’s choice and that’s only giving control to someone else yet again. Good for you. You followed your own feelings ❤️

    • Thank you my friend. So strange that I can so smart in other aspects of life and so dumb regarding relationships. I DID hope Mr. OoT would decide to be the man I know he can be, but in the end, we’re just not a good match. And, truth be told, probably never were *sigh*

  2. You have to put yourself first. Kudos for you for leaving his ass and driving home alone. You deserve someone who respects and treasures you. Take some time to mourn, but you did the right thing. Hugs to you.

  3. Kirsty Says:

    First of all, I’m so happy to see you in my inbox! Like an old friend coming back for a catch up and an offload.

    Secondly, you had to do what was right for you – but only when you were ready. He’s always been self interested, narcissistic, a childish bully and oblivious to your feelings. But. You weren’t ready to fully leave at any point in the last two and a half years. And that’s ok. Now you are and have. You deserve more. At the very least, even if you don’t get on all the time (and quite frankly who does?) respect and kindness should be a given. You are now unblinkered to vehemently believe that and not settle for less ever again. Control is back in your hands. Just where it should be xx

    • Hi Kristy. Thanks for the sweet comment. I’ve had posts sitting in drafts, but damn if I seriously wanted to hide the fact that I had given Mr OoT yet ANOTHER chance 🙄 I’ve always known his shortcomings, but finally stopped forgiving him for them. Hate the way it all ended, but as the saying goes (sometimes) “if things don’t end badly, they won’t end”. Or something like that…..

      • Kirsty Says:

        We all give second chances – sometimes they pay off, sometimes they don’t. I think that Mr OoT is too self-interested to be able to maintain a relationship. There’s no give and take with him. You accommodated him so much. So glad you were brave enough to call it a day and leave. When the hurt dissipates, I do hope that you try and find an equal – because he certainly wasn’t.

        • Thanks Kirsty. I did hope that he would be able to evolve a bit more, but that wasn’t fair of me. I need to evaluate people and relationships based on reality and NOT on potential. I need to make and hold standards for the way I want to be treated. I forgive too easily in relationships and it never ends well. I won’t give up in finding ‘my one’. Not because I need a relationship, but because I want one. Now just isn’t the time ………….. ❤

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