Happy New Year?

I just published a post that had been sitting in my drafts folder for 6+ months. Does it contain angst about Mr. OoT? Well, of course it does! Duh. You all should know me by now. But wait! Before you throw your computers and smart phones out the window and go hoarse from virtually yelling at me, let me preface by saying this: we DID break up in August of 2020. And it was ugly (did you have any doubt?). Really ugly. And embarrassing. And humiliating. And kinda sad.

I think Mr. OoT was on chance number 1,428 with me. Surprisingly (not), it didn’t go so well. His kids were involved in this time. And there was a solo 9 hour drive home after it happened.

Let’s suffice it to say that 2020 in it’s entirety was complete shit-show. I was a complete shit-show. I was far from my best self. For a multitude of valid reasons. Mr. OoT and I didn’t talk for months. I know that it was for the best.

A little backstory on Mr. OoT: when we met and thru the entirety of our relationship he had a shit job. A mind numbing and horrible for the psyche job. I always felt that the lion’s share of his being happy was placed on my shoulders. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes not. He lived in a horrible little apartment, smoked weed more days than not and was generally not a very happy person. In all our time together I helped him thru the process of buying a home, of chasing a dream by enrolling in (and subsequently excelling in) courses that would lead him to his dream job. He did it. He graduated top of his class and got recruited directly out of school.

I was his biggest cheerleader. From a distance. I was interested in seeing if having his dream job and not being in his mind numbing and defeatist job would help his overall outlook on life and love and everything in between. I was excited to see.

NO, we did not get back together. I did see him once in October (3 months post breakup) and we had an amazing day and night. Oh, don’t be so surprised, of course I slept with him. And it was fantastic and different from all the other times before. It was like we totally connected. As my normal M.O. would then be to try and see if ‘we’ could work just one last time (HA), I instead decided that taking myself away, FAR away, for months would be a better option.

I distanced myself physically and mentally. I was gone for 4+ months. We chatted and texted a bit during my absence but not much. I was NOT going to be the one to say that I missed him. I was NOT going to be the one to ask if we should try one last time. As one of my main issues with ‘us’ was that I always felt I put in the lion’s share of the effort with us I wanted him to be the one to make the grand gesture.

And he did! Just not with me. I returned from my months away about 3 weeks ago. He was stationed out of state and would be back this week. We spoke a couple of weeks ago and he asked if he could see me. I, of course, said yes! Here would be my chance to see if, since starting his dream job, his psyche was better and more positive. I am not going to lie and say I wasn’t hopeful, but we know how lame I can be when it comes to men. We hadn’t really spoken since then. I called him on Monday as I was wondering what was up and if he was indeed in town and he asked me to hold so he could ‘have some privacy’. Well damn, that’s never a good sign.

He ‘met’ someone. Someone he went to high school with. Someone that he has been chatting with forever. As friends. She is the epitome of everything he had always given me a hard time for: a non drug user, a square, a nerd, blah, blah, blah. She flew out to see him last weekend. And he’s in love. As her religion does not allow for sex outside of marriage, he is ready to marry her. She’s the one, he says. Just hearing her voice lowers his blood pressure.

I have gone thru all the emotions: sad, angry, humiliated. I see an absolutely identical situation as with TD. I think I really felt, in the end, that he would choose me! Here’s the shitty part (because, let’s be honest, I can be super shitty and petulant), I feel that I am the one that should benefit from this new life and outlook of his that I put the time and effort in to help create. That I should be the one that he professes his love and devotion to. I read back on all my posts and am reminded of how amazing he was at the beginning. Kind and affectionate and supportive and wanting to move things forward. I was the one that kept pulling back. I was the one that kept giving him doubts. Maybe I am the cause of his never feeling secure and, in turn, never being able to make me feel secure? Gah, we had such a roller coaster relationship. I will not lie and say that I hadn’t hoped that finally having a career he loves and doing something that keeps his mind engaged, would keep his inner demons at bay. I will now never know.

He wants to remain friends. After our last and final breakup he immediately changed his FB status to single and blocked me (as all 13 year old boys do). He wants to be FB friends again. Uhm, no on all counts. I cannot get out of my head though. I have read back on ALL my blog posts about us and am fully aware of what a shit show we were. I also was reminded that I played a large part in that. That both of our insecurities and pride got in the way. That we ‘tried’ way too many times.

He is a different person now. Not such a stoner. A list maker. Organized. All things that used to drive me insane. This new love of his is recent. It’s very much in the honeymoon stage. I look back at the beginning of our relationship and see the same exact pattern. He wants to be in love and have someone to take care of him. Her religion puts a HIGH value on being married. I see it happening. I just don’t know why I feel like such a failure.

So I need for every single one of you who reads this post, regardless of if you’ve followed the entire shit-show or not, to tell me to snap out of it. There is no other choice. I could chase him and then be stuck in the loop of ‘did I force this’ or I can just let him live his life and wish him every happiness.

Adulting is hard. Online dating is even harder …… Pulling my head out of my ass, however, seems to be the hardest of all.

*edited to add:

1) no clue if I think this way because he is now out of reach & I am super competitive (which I never realized I was)

2) if I really want him back

3) if I believe he has really changed

4) that I feel slighted by the flirting and mixed messages he has been sending me up until 2 weeks ago which caused me to even consider working on “us”

5) WHY can’t I be a normal human being and just let things play out as they should and trust that what is meant to be will be?

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