The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

D Day Recap April 12, 2018

Well, that didn’t go quite as planned.  I kind of suck.  A lot.  He didn’t annoy me at all with text messages and weird emojis at all yesterday.  Because he didn’t send any.  And I was glad.  They annoy me.  A lot.  I got to the bar that he chose (on his side of town, btw) before he did and grabbed a couple of seats and ordered a drink.  In he walks.  Dressed TOTALLY nice and cool.  What?  No schleppy active wear or shiny soccer pants?  He actually put some effort in.  Damn it, he cleans up well.  He sat down and we started talking and he was totally normal.  And not annoying.  Until he ordered an uber girly drink.  Well, not Frozen Strawberry Chi Chi girly, but something with heavy cream and cinnamon.  Lovely that I drink more manly cocktails than he does.


So we’re talking and I’m running through things in my head and thinking maybe this isn’t so bad.  We talk about his work, his travels, his likes, his dislikes, his day, his house, his ……. well, you get the idea.  He then stops himself from yammering on about himself and asks me a few questions.  I’m a listener by nature and as I know that, by and large, people like to talk about themselves a lot, I’m okay with just listening.  He pointed that out to me and told me that I am not like most women.  Well no shit.  I’m not.  I’m a bit of a fucked up puzzle that I am fine with no one being able to figure out.  Yet.


Anyway, I knew what I needed to do but for some reason didn’t.  He then invited me to a party on Sunday being thrown by some friends of his.  And I kind of want to go.  Not sure why.  We talked about where ‘he is’ as far as relationships go.  That he has no idea what he wants.  I told him as much and that he needs to date around and figure it out.  Try on different women for size.  Kick some tires.  This was the perfect opportunity for me to tell him that I just wasn’t feeling it.  I didn’t.  I assumed (rather wrongly), that he was telling me that we could just see each other occasionally.  The perfect way to fade into the sunset without actually needing to hurt his feelings.  I should know better.


He walked me to my car and gave me a big hug.  Oh, okay, maybe I wasn’t wrong.  And then he kissed me.  A weird, un passionate, tongueless kiss.  He has a strange thing he does where there is the tongueless kiss and then he sighs and rubs his nose up against mine.  I swear to god, it’s the least sexy thing ever.  Perfect time to tell him, right?  I didn’t.  And am kicking myself today as the incessant text messages and overuse of emojis has started up again.


I’m totally telling him on Sunday……..No, really.  WTF is wrong with me?


Pretty Sure D Day Is Tomorrow April 10, 2018

Well what the hell does the D stand for? Decision day? Dreaded day? Dumping day? Doubtful day? Could be any of these things. Could be all of them wrapped up into one.

I’ve been trying to give Mr. England the benefit of the doubt and to make sure it’s not just Mr. OoT clouding my judgement, but he seems to be annoying me more and more.

Yesterday was a string of needy text message. Complete with the overuse of emojis. No, seriously. It’s just weird. Here is a screenshot of just a few of yesterday’s messages.

He would text, give me about 32 seconds to respond and then text again. I eventually just stopped responding. Then it happened. That damn fucking clown emoji that I have asked him not to send me. So weird. He then layed his cards on the table and told me that although he knows he’s being pushy, he just really likes me and can’t tell what I am thinking. Well damn. Uh….

We had plans to see a movie tomorrow night, but as I am not excited about the prospect of fending off his groping attempts (and I’m fresh out of mouse-traps), I just asked if we could meet for drinks instead. I KNOW he wanted to go to the movies again for just that reason. It’s like dating a 13 year old…

I guess I have a decision to make….


Sunday Thoughts April 8, 2018

I swear he doesn’t mean to come off so creepy (or maybe he does), but I think I’m going to need to ask Mr. England about his overuse of emojis and uber disconcerting text messages. Oh, and why the hell he doesn’t use his tongue when kissing. I have that one narrowed down to a few possibilities:

1) He’s a germaphobe

2) He doesn’t know any better

3) No one has ever told him how weird it is

I have a feeling that if we ever do sleep together that he will

1) make me shower 1st

2) not be very creative

3) minimal foreplay 😦

Anyway, he sent me a text last night. I had told him that I have a migraine. He sent back:

Aww, poor baby. I wish I was there to rub your temples (and other things) *string of weird emojis*

See what I mean? I know, I know. You’re all wondering why I continue to see him if I feel this way. Guess I’m waiting to discover if there is something I’m missing? I want to give him the chance to prove me wrong? I want to make sure it’s not just Mr. Out of Town clouding my judgement?

We are going to the movies on Wednesday night, so I guess we’ll see. Not really a fan of movie dates, but assuming he feels it is the best way to get to grope me?


Well That Didn’t Last Long…. April 7, 2018

NO sooner do I send out my last post into the universe than Mr. England proves me wrong by pulling out some very pervy and inappropriate ‘English’ humor.  Believe me, I use the term humor loosely.  We all know that he’s a BIG fan of the emoji.  Like more than a 13 year old girl would use.  He’s always used the kissy winky emoji.  To his arsenal lately he has added a clown (what the fuck?), a big red pair of lips, hearts and his latest and greatest; a bed emoji.  Again, what the fuck?  He filled me in on the new furniture that he purchased yesterday.  A dining room table & chairs, a few end tables, some lamps and “a new bed frame – very sturdy” followed by some weirdly unsettling emojis.  I fully ‘get’ that if I was totally into him that these little oddities probably wouldn’t bother me.  Guess what?  They do.  I find them creepy.  I can almost hear his lascivious laugh when I see them.


He invited me to go hot tubbing last night.  To be clear, the invitation came in promptly at 6pm for later that night.  I’ve told him several times that I’m a planner and that if he wants to be able to see me, asking in advance is usually the best way to guarantee that I don’t already have plans (which I did).  I told him I wasn’t able and suggested that he call in a ‘2nd stringer’ to join him.  He said that was a fabulous idea then almost immediately followed it up with ‘there’s only one gal for me and she’s always freaking busy’.  Assuming he meant me.  Not sure why he finds it so hard to plan/invite me in advance.


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I Fear My State Is Out Of Liquor March 25, 2018

No clue what is going on lately. My dating profiles have been blowing up lately. Believe me, I’m not complaining, I just find it weird. I have been asked to meet more this past week/weekend than the entire 3 months previously. Yey me?

Meh, not so sure about that. Every single one of them have invited me to coffee. What. The. Fuck. So they’re all Mormon? We all know my preference for a ‘meet and greet’ and it usually comes in a martini glass. I absolutely hate coffee dates. They feel like interviews and show just how little effort the guy is putting in.

Well, it must be their lucky week. As I’m still on my diet that means I’m also (sadly) on the wagon. Coffee it is gentlemen!


Mr. Out Of Towner March 24, 2018

As part of my Albertson’s parking lot messaging marathon the other day on Plenty of Fish, I have a tentative date to the world’s shittiest bar in town to watch a guy sing Karaoke (has it really come to this people?), a tentative coffee date with someone I’m not exceptionally thrilled about meeting and then……….Mr. Out of Towner.

Here’s a tip ladies (and gents) when you’re not feeling the whole ‘search’ feature on your respective dating site. Look at the page that lists the profiles thay have checked you out. I did that and low and behold there was a hottie. I mean like a GOOD LOOKING MAN. Call me superficial, but DAMN. I read his profile and found something to message about, so I did. You have absolutely nothing to lose by messaging someone who looked at your profile and opted out of writing. You never know, right? Unfortunately, Mr. Hottie lives 2+ hours away. Boo me. Oh well, he’ll probably never write back anyway. Just for good measure, I screen-shotted his pic and promptly sent it off to my online dating blogger bestie with the message “Why the hell don’t guys in my town look like this?”

Mr. Hottie messaged back. And we proceeded to text message pretty consistently throughout the day. As we don’t exactly live close, we decided we would be each other’s virtual wingman and be friends. Eh, I could do worse than making an online buddy, right? We swapped phone numbers and ended up talking for close to 4 hours on the phone on Thursday. He’s quirky and funny, smart as hell, more than a bit ‘hippie’ and has some definite differences in viewpoint. Who cares? We’re just pals, right?

Then comes Friday and a few more calls. The last being 7 HOURS long. And 7 hours with no awkward silences. 7 hours of learning pretty much everything about him. 7 hours of him picking up on things with me that I thought I kept very well hidden. He kind of ‘gets me’. I kind of get him. Our conversation took on a different tone in these calls and the ‘virtual wingman’ seems to have morphed into a ‘definite maybe’. I have always had a ‘vision’ of what my ‘one’ would look like. Not in a physical sense, but in a characteristic type of sense. I always assumed ‘he’ would be some sort of a businessman; smart, funny, logical with a touch of whimsy. Mr. Hottie is pretty much none of these aside from being smart and funny. He works blue collar 2 weeks a months and takes the other 2 weeks off. He believes in aliens (what?!?!). He believes in a ‘creator’ (I do not). He *gasp* supports Trump. He is a total believe in Crypto-currency. His taste in music kinda sucks. His preferences in movies is even worse. He vapes (I HATE that). He smokes weed a couple times a week (I hate that even more). He doesn’t drink. NONE of these things ‘match’ me.

He likes me. He thinks I’m beautiful. He loves my smile and the ‘brightness’ in my eyes when I smile. He speaks in terms of ‘us’ and ‘the future’. He has mentioned several times about joining in on family vacations (his kids are older). He has assumed that ‘this’ is something. My inner romantic is completely at war with my inner realist. I KNOW that ‘this’ is potentially nothing. We haven’t even met yet. I know that ‘this’ could potentially be something. Something good. I also know that he has some definite red flags. He’s been married 3 times. He is just 4 moths out of his last (5 year relationship). He might be co-dependent. He has addiction issues. All of these things pose concerns for me. Serious ones. Although we have VERY differing viewpoints on some things, on others, it’s as if we share a brain.

We haven’t even met yet. Getting to know someone before we’ve met and I can gauge chemistry is against everything I believe as an online dater. I spoke to him about all of my concerns with ‘this’. And about him seemingly already inserting me into future plans. It’s all too fast. It all seems a bit too convenient. I told him that we should just be friends for a while. That he needs to figure out what it is, exactly, that he wants. I told him that I have absolutely no desire to me ‘Miss Right Now’. That I don’t want either of us to have regrets. I truly feel that, although he genuinely likes me and thinks I’m pretty awesome (duh), that I might be the one with good timing. That he misses talking to someone and having someone to share things with and that I’m convenient and fill that void. I’m just about the world’s best listener. I am kind and supportive while also not hesitating to call someone out on their shit. I ask questions. I am truly fascinated by people. He kind of fascinates me. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me scratch my head.

Although I told him not to, he removed his profile from Plenty of Fish. I did not. He will not be dating. I will. He asked, without really asking, if I would be willing to not date while he figures his shit out. I told him no. That I will never again be anyone’s Plan B. He completely understands. He’s truly a nice man and understands. Could this be something? Who knows. We should probably meet sooner than later and even see if the chemistry is there. I’m pretty sure it would be, but who knows……. Do I dare be hopeful? Hell yes I should! But I also won’t get carried away with things either. This is online dating, right?


Who Says Romance Is Dead? March 23, 2018

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating,online dating,single,tinder,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:49 am

Mind you, this is his 1st ever contact with me. Decisions, decisions……


Grocery Shopping Takes On New Meaning… March 22, 2018

So I always joke about ‘accidentally’ ramming my shopping cart into that of a tall, handsome fellow shopper in the frozen foods aisle as a way to meet someone. This isn’t about that. Dammit. And, for the record, I’ve never actually done that. Kinda creepy of me to hang out in that aisle for hours awaiting my Prince Charming to come looking for his frozen pizza, right?


This fun tidbit has to do with the parking lot. Minds out of the gutter people.


There must be something in the air today besides rain that makes all male singletons come out of the woodwork in the middle of the day on a Thursday and message me. Online, of course. Although I did see more than the average number of tall hotties around town today. Like the tall drink of water in front of me at Old Navy buying board shorts. Yummy. Too bad he was also buying miniaturized versions of them. And was wearing a wedding ring. Double boo.


Anywhoo, I’ve gotten no less than 15 messages from new guys today. Of these 15, there is ONE (1) singular man that excites me even a little. And he lives in a town 2+ hours away.  We have moved on to text messaging and he’s kinda awesome.  Yes, I know, I know.  We don’t plan on dating, or even meeting for that matter, but it’s kinda cool to ‘chat’ with someone who ‘gets me’ and thinks I’m kind of awesome back.


Of course there was also the SUPER nice guy who I am not the least bit attracted to that wants to meet up.  I’ve thrown the friendship branch out there, so we’ll see.


And, what would a day online be without the inappropriately old man being a total fucking perv and thinking ‘I bet you look great naked’ is an actual compliment that I would want to hear while sitting in the parking lot of my local Alberstson’s.  Or ever, for that matter.


All in all though, I’d call today a WIN!


Kissy Emoticons March 18, 2018

My new favorite dating coach is a big proponent of using a kissy emoticon in text messages. No, not to your mother, but to guys. Guys you haven’t yet met. Guys online that you may, or may not, ever meet. I’ve honestly never use the kissy emoticon. When guys I don’t know send it to me, I find it a bit creepy. I need to get over that shit. I am working on the art of flirting. I know I’m a great date; funny, entertaining, a good listener, blah, blah, blah. I do think I need to up my flirting game though.

I had mostly male friends in college. I loved it. Guess what though? Being ‘one of the guys’ doesn’t make you any more appealing as a potential partner. Sure, I hooked up with many (MANY) guys in college, but only had one or 2 ‘boyfriends’. At the time, I didn’t find anything wrong with that. Looking back, I know there were some definite opportunities missed.

I know I have intentionally held back on flirting online as I didn’t want to give ‘them’ the wrong idea. Uh, what? Yeah, I know. I had it in my head that any overt flirting and the guy would get the wrong impression of me. My ridiculous overthinking of things has gotten a bit out of control. Who cares what they think of me online? Sure, I want guys to like me, but damn. I’m naturally flirty. I’m naturally complimentary (which, did you know, makes guys very nervous). I need to stop ‘thinking’ about everything and just do. If a guy doesn’t like it or can’t handle it, then he can’t handle me.

So, with this newfound realization, and a fresh off the presses reactivated Tinder profile, I’ve been putting my emoticon game to good use. I’m currently messaging with 2 cuties (well, 4, but 2 pretty consistently). They are both players. Normally, this would make me nervous and weirded out. How do I know this? Because Bachelor #1 and I messaged back and forth quite a bit before I hid my Tinder profile. Well, to be completely accurate, we messaged back and forth before I freaked out when he wanted to meet and I deleted him. Ha. Right? I’m an idiot. He was pretty up-front about what he was looking for. I completely appreciate that. It still freaked me out. Not this time. Not everyone has to be Mr. Right. It’s okay to be a Mr. Right Now. I think I’ve found 2. Let’s see how things go ……..


The Twitter March 17, 2018

So when I wake up each morning, I check Twitter to see what’s going on in the world. What? That’s not the way to keep up on current events? I think it is. Much can be garnered from those concise little snippets. What happened on my favorite Bravo TV show the night before. Which star is fighting with who on any given day. What our illustrious president is rambling incoherently about. All sorts of important stuff.

I have a Twitter account. Well, not ‘me’ but the other ‘me’. I don’t actually post my own tweets often. I mainly just re-tweet stuff. Funny shit. Inspirational things. Horoscope related. You know; important things. If I were to compose a tweet of my own today it would probably go something like this: “Huge declaration to avoid all things online dating related until the end of the month was bullshit”.

Catchy, right? And truthful. I’m weak. I need male attention. Okay, not really, but damn, I kind of *gasp* missed it. I lasted how many days? 4? 5? What can I say? I got bored. And I only reactivated one profile. Go ahead and guess which one. No really, guess. Did you guess? What did you guess? If you guessed Tinder, you’d be right!

Tinder is what it is. There’s no bullshit. As I AM ultimately looking for a relationship, but not actually completely averse to a little ‘side action’, this ‘might’ be an okay thing? For today. I’m sure my mind will change again tomorrow. I think the thing that needs to change is my attitude towards it all. I don’t need to be so paranoid about what someone will think about me being on Tinder. I don’t need to approach each and every possible date as being so worried about ‘what will they expect or think’. They’re on Tinder too and guess what? I’m in charge. I am in possession of the vagina in this scenario. If I like a guy that I meet off of Tinder, I will try my best not to be a total whore and sleep with him off the bat. I’ve done the research and completely disproved this method. 😉 If I meet someone that I ‘like’ and am attracted to but know he’s totally inappropriate for relationship material? Well then, all bets are off.


I Need A Tutor March 16, 2018

So with the next 2 weeks off from online dating, I find myself with a lot of time on my hands to think about, er. online dating. What I do right, what I do wrong. What I’m good at, what I could improve upon. How I go about messaging potential dates that contact me (and yes, of course, I sometimes contact 1st – gotta help make your own magic, right?).

I am looking for a relationship. Plain and simple. I refuse to settle however. These 2 things are sort of in direct contrast to one another because as I would like to find a relationship, I wouldn’t be completely opposed to ‘dating’ (and by dating, I totally mean sleeping with) someone that wasn’t long term appropriate. How do I go about finding one without alienating the other? My profiles state that I’m looking for a relationship. That I’m not a one night stand kinda gal. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t enjoy a playmate or 2 (who am I?). I just want to make out with someone for shit’s sake!

I finally got some of my mojo back this year. It had been 4 LONG years since I last slept with anyone. Or, truth be told, even made out with someone. Yes, TD did that big of a number on me. And I wasn’t really looking. But when I was, no one I liked was interested anyway. Boo.

I’m self conscious and neurotic and a bit on the needy side when I like a guy. I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am an awesome date with a great sense of humor, a shit ton of smarts (in all things aside men) and not horribly offensive to look at. I also know that I’m a complete nerd and never know how to act after a date. If I don’t like the guy, who the hell cares, but if I do, well then damn. Let the shit show begin.

Anywhoo, I follow a lot of online dating bloggers. I have found exactly 2 virtual dating doppelgangers on here. The 1st to share the same brain as me was an awesome gal who was every bit as funny and snarky and cynical when it came to online dating. She started dating someone right around the same time that I met TD. She is still with her someone and hasn’t blogged in years. We all know where I am.

My 2nd online idol/doppelganger/brain sharer I have followed for years and we’ve kind of had way too many past/present life (and thoughts) experiences. She, like myself, gave up online dating and/or blogging for a while. She’s back. In every sense of the word. And she is KILLING IT! Someone with long term potential and TWO ‘playmates’. In only 9 online dates. NINE! I’ve had 15 and only managed to find one I was even remotely (okay, more than remotely) interested in.

I do believe the universe brings you what you put out there. I DO believe that my one is out there. I DO know there are good guys online. I DO believe I’m a pretty amazing catch (kinda). I’m wondering if I’m doing something wrong. Or approaching something wrong.

I know I waste way too much time messaging men that I probably will never meet. I have gone thru phases of responding to everyone who wrote, meeting everyone who asked, and being open to every possibility. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t ‘missing’ something about someone or judging too soon. I was waiting for just one of them to surprise me with something that I hadn’t picked up on online. None did. I also feel kinda bad ignoring messages from completely nice guys that I just don’t find attractive.

Here’s the kicker. While I whine and moan that I can’t meet anyone to date, I have met many (okay, several) that would like to date me, but that I wasn’t attracted to, or didn’t have a spark with, or they were 5’7″ (back off, I’m 5’10”, not gonna happen). I’ve also met many men in the past that I’ve wanted to date but they haven’t wanted to date me. Boo them. I need to find the perfect storm of being a funny and flirty date while on a date with a funny and flirty man. While my tutor sits on my shoulder and instructs me what to do so I don’t fuck it all up…..

Any applicants? No, okay, then please feel free to offer me your best piece of dating advice!

* edited to add: I do follow dating coaches (the cute ones) and while I think they’re great for some, I firmly believe that I should be able to figure my own shit out. I’m not a therapy or coaching kinda gal (see how well this has worked out for me?) 😉 💖


S.A.D. March 15, 2018

For all of you already rolling your eyes at the torture thought of this being yet another introspectively annoying woe is me post, HA! It’s not. Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you…

The weather here sucks. I’m good with cold or snow or whatever as long as the sun comes out. It’s been gloomy and grey since Monday and is forecasted to be much of the same thru next week. Gross. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing. A bullshit one I used to think, but not so sure anymore. I’m starting to understand why the suicide rate is so high in places like Seattle. Gah.

I think I have the opposite of S.A.D. though. No, I don’t love gloomy weather (or thoughts, for that matter), but damn if I’m not feeling better about everything today.

The diet sucks, the not drinking sucks even more. You know what doesn’t suck? Having all of my online dating profiles hidden! Not dealing with random online inappropriates is good for the soul!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be back to it soon enough, but for now I can just be. And not give a shit about what anyone thinks. I’m going to bundle up, take my dog for a walk, grab my yoga mat and zen the fuck out. Stay tuned for stories of how unflexible I am (in more than my dating expectations) 😉

Happy Thursday!