43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Dodging Bullets February 21, 2018

Filed under: aura,bad dates,bumble,dating,driking,internet dating,karma,online dating,single,texting,tinder — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:39 pm

Or, more accurately, ‘Thank Fucking God’.  I’m sure I’ve written many (many) posts with this same title in my decade of online dating.  Sometimes the universe looks out for me.  Mostly though, it just likes to fuck with me.  This time it was the former.

Sooooo, my date that I had set up for tomorrow night; the one with the guy that I had messaged with over the summer.  The one with the guy that overshares about all the feels.  The one that got pissed at me when we 1st messaged all those months ago and did the online equivalent of stomping off in a huff because he felt I wasn’t responding to his messages quickly enough.  Yeah, that one.

To be clear, when I am not overly excited about someone (or even if I am), I am not available 24/7 to immediately respond to messages from guys online.  My response time is further delayed if their questions are annoying.  I almost always respond the same day.  Usually within an hour.  I will admit, that if/when I’m having a senior moment, I may actually forget.  That happens pretty rarely.  I will usually respond as soon as I see the message.  Contrary to popular belief, I am not constantly glued to my phone or computer.  No, really.

So, Mr Feelings messaged me late last night with a stupendous ‘Hope you’re having a great day’.  Which, by the way, doesn’t even make sense to send that at 10pm at night unless he thinks I’m a vampire and my day is just starting.  As I’m not a big fan of going onto Plenty of Fish late night as apparently it signals every single unsavory to message me, I responded this morning.  With an exceptionally bland, yet nice ‘My day was terrific, thank you.  I hope you have a terrific day!’

As I’m sitting at my pedicure today, I get a notification that he messaged me.  You can imagine my excitement.  By the time I actually checked to read his message an hour later, he had already blocked me.  WTF?!  As the idiot had to go the extra mile of sending a message before doing so, I was still able to look it up in my received messages file.  The big baby had sent “I’m cancelling our date tomorrow night as I feel that if you’re going to meet someone, you should want to find out about them”.  Uhm, what the holy fuck is he talking about?  We were meeting tomorrow night.  And we’d already messaged ad nauseam 1st time around.

Wanna know the saddest part of all of this?  Well, besides the fact that I don’t much care that he cancelled and blocked me?  The fact that I couldn’t respond back! Damn.


Taking the Day Off

Yes, it’s true. Although I seem to have made a part time career out of online dating (a low paying, non OSHA approved, un-fulfilling, benefit free one), I am taking the day off. Yes, you read that right. No dates scheduled for today. I am using my accumulated dating PTO to sit around, bra-less, while watching men’s team speed skating (damn, what amazing thighs they have) on my Roku. I wouldn’t be getting dressed at all today if it weren’t for the 3pm pedicure appointment that I have today. Although my feet have been in crammed into boots for the past 2 months, I need pretty toes for the beach next week. That’s right, I’m headed to my happy place next week.

What else am I doing with my sloth-like day of nothing? Well, I’ll be starting a new book. One that supposedly gives good advice on dating. Advice on the differences between men and women. All wrapped up with a not so veiled dash of cynicism and snark. I have watched u tube channels, read books, subscribed to e mails and just about every other avenue that dating coaches use to reach the masses. Inevitably though, I choose to ignore it all and do what I want. We all know how well that works out for me. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time I’ll pay attention. Probably not, but let’s be honest; when you need answers to life’s challenges, why would you look any further than a dating book written by a Real Housewives of New York?

As she’s still single, I’m doubtful 😉


I’ve Done Something

Something that may either be a good idea or the worst idea on the planet. Something that my friends are split between wanting to smack me in the head for or cheer me on for. Something that may end my week on a high note or may just ruin everything. Something that I am surprised by, but trying not to get excited about. Something that I have the next 3 days to worry about, overthink, get excited about, obsess about and generally run through every single possible ‘what if’ about.

I am going to embrace my long forgotten 2018 mantra of leaving shit up to the universe and not always being a neurotic shit show when it comes to things I want. What could possibly go wrong???


Alright, Alright One More February 20, 2018

Look, it’s not like I went trolling for him. He just appeared. He messaged me several months ago and was randomly telling me about an article he was reading that made him cry. Mmmmk. I don’t know what sort of response he was expecting from me, but I ended up telling him he was a tad too sensitive for me.

He apparently didn’t like that, so wanted to show me what a good guy he is by telling me about a family barbeque he went to with a girl he had gone out with once before. Uhm……. This was her family. Apparently all anyone did was argue so he ran around and played peacemaker. I told him I would have just run away. He got all butt hurt at that.

I haven’t heard from him since. As I was feeling blue tonight and more than a little disillusioned by my prospects, he timed his invite just right, so I agreed. Hah! I am meeting him at a bar I don’t like, 2 hours later than I usually meet, with a band that plays classic rock. As I am all about ’80s 1 hit wonder bands, this can’t end well…..

No clue why I do this…….


Harleys, Kids & Pizza February 19, 2018

Filed under: bad dates,brunch,bumble,dating,driking,internet dating,online dating,single,texting,tinder — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:05 pm

Sunday was pizza date guy. The one who invited me to meet he and his adult kids. Call me crazy, but I assumed he was new to online dating and wanted backup should I turn out to be some hideously offensive monster. I’m not, btw. 😉

He shows up, sans kids and was nervous as hell. He looked mostly like his pics, but I could tell right off the bat that we weren’t going to be a good match. He was nice as can be, but uber naive and a bit back-woodsy. Online dating scares him. The internet scares him. His new fangled non flip phone scares him. He likes to hunt. And fish. And camp. And live off the land. Uhm, not really my thing as I consider a 12 year old Holiday Inn with sketchy internet ‘roughing it’. He doesn’t travel, is pretty religious & doesn’t drink. While none of these are bad things, they just aren’t my thing.

He was all in and very complimentary, but we have absolutely nothing in common. And he doesn’t have a car. And wore overalls. As for his kids that bailed on being his backup? They texted him to ask if I was a dude. Apparently they had regaled him with stories of online dating ‘bait and switch’. Nice.

And so ends this quarter’s string of dates. For those of you keeping track: 15 1st dates in 45 days is apparently my limit. Actually, to be more specific, 2 good first dates, 3 BAD 1st dates, 10 ‘meh’ 1st dates, 1 2nd date that was more of a booty call than date, I meltdown, 2 midgets and countless left & right swipes. Yup. Time for a mini break….


Back To The Future February 15, 2018

Sure it was a good movie, but this is a dating blog, so no movie reviews here.

I had my date with the man from Tinder that I was excited to meet. We never messaged off the site, but messaged for a while. His were funny and well thought out. I got the impression that he was a really nice guy. That’s a good thing!

We made plans to meet on Monday at a nice bar that he chose. I was kind of nervous. What? I don’t get nervous meeting online dates. Huh. I changed my outfit twice. The dress and leggings I originally chose made me look like a whale. I may have some poundage to drop, but I am not a whale. Not only did the dress get taken off, but also tossed in the donation box, never to ruin my day again. I settled on a different pair of black leggings, cool black boots and a somewhat awesome electric blue asymmetrical top. I picked out a killer pink lipstick and was quite pleased with the outcome.

His pictures were nice (even friend approved), so I was excited to meet him. My one concern was that maybe he was too nice. No, I don’t like bad boys, but I do appreciate a man with a spine.

Anyway, he shows up and god dammit to hell he didn’t look like his picture. He looked like a version of his photo. In a miniaturized form. To say my heart sank was the understatement of the world. Okay, whatevs, stop being a superficial bitch, Grey and make the best of it. I did. Or at least I tried. The conversation was SO amazingly awkward and stilted that I just wanted to stab myself in the eye with a fork get up and walk out. Seriously, this may have been one of the top 10 worst dates ever (and as we all know, I’ve been on a LOT of dates). It was truly painful trying to make conversation with him. We had NO common ground. Boo me for not picking up on this through our messages.

Anyway, after an hour I said I needed to get back home to my dog (can I sound like a bigger loser). He paid the check and we walked out together. In silence. I asked him which direction his car was parked and he pointed in the direction of mine. I told him I was parked in the opposite direction, gave him a hug and proceeded to walk in the opposite direction of him and the opposite direction of where my car was parked, in 32° windy weather and took the looong way around to my car just so I wouldn’t have to try and make conversation anymore. It was just THAT bad.

Oh, and the Back To The Future reference? I couldn’t help but think, immediately upon his entering and moreso throughout the date that he totally reminded me of Marty McFly.


Dating By Numbers February 13, 2018

This is one of my all time favorite blog posts from waaaaay back in 2011 when I used to be able to write in an entertaining fashion and had high hopes of meeting my ‘one’ soon.  Ish. I shudder to think what my numbers are now, 7 years later.

For everyone mucking through the sometimes soul crushing tough world of online dating, take a peek & I’m guessing you won’t feel quite so bad about your luck, or lack thereof…..

Date By Numbers