The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Eanie Meanie…… April 6, 2018

Now, if you promise not to throw your computers out the window, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Ready?  I hid my online profiles.  Oh, what?  You’re not surprised?  Oh well.  Here’s the thing.  There are 2 men interested in me right now.  That hasn’t happened in years.  It just feels greedy and insincere to keep looking right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that either of these guys is ‘my one’, I just can’t see myself sitting across from yet another random online guy making small talk.  K, now, back to my men.  I am polar opposites with one and they are polar opposites of each other.  In theory that would mean that Mr. England and I are very similar.  Okay, so we are.  Whatevs.  Here’s a quick comparison of the 2:

 

Mr. England: we actually have very similar backgrounds.  He’s funny and sweet and has a pretty damn interesting life.  He also only apparently dresses in athletic wear.  Like those shiny shorts and pants things.  Me no likee.  We laugh and talk and I make him completely nervous.  How do I know this?  Well, I asked him.  And he told me so.  He is super recently divorced and brand spanking new to online dating.  He has no clue what he wants and I take every advantage of this fact to freak him out.  He’s apparently a nervous wreck about ‘liking’ anyone.  I have tried to let him know that it’s brand new.  He should keep looking.  We can keep dating, it doesn’t have to mean anything at this point.  It’s much more fun, however, to profess my undying love to him and talk of ‘our’ future together and watch the look of panic in his eyes.  It’s kind of funny.  And I’m a bitch, so I keep doing it.  What’s totally funny though is that each time I see him, he backs off more from making any inappropriate moves.  He certainly tried on movie night (date #1) but not since then.  I know he likes me.  He knows he likes me.  I know I should like him more than I do.  I know that, head to head, he is the ‘better’ choice for me.  I’m just not sure that I’m sexually attracted to him.  Boo.

 

Mr. Out Of Town:  yes, you all know about him ad nauseum.  What you don’t know is how sweet he is.  What good talks we have.  How he’s trying really hard to ‘listen’ to what I say.  He realizes how different we are.  I broke one of my beloved crystals today.  Well, it actually shattered into a million pieces and it kind of freaked me out.  When I told him about it, he not only understood and empathized, but suggested I save all the pieces and we could leave one in each exotic destination that ‘we’ visit.  Very sweet.  He wants to work on improving our communication.  Today, in the mail, I received a copy of ‘The 5 Love Languages’.  I had mentioned the book when I last saw him and we were on completely different pages in the same discussion.  He bought a copy for himself too.  I think he really wants to try to figure out how to be a better version of himself.  Not quite so self involved.  To talk less and listen more.  Anyway, I’m ridiculously excited to read the book.  Pretty sure I know which ‘Love Language’ I am, but will be super cool to see and, moreso, to find out what he thinks his is (I already know what his is).

 

On paper, Mr. England is the one for me.  My hormones tell me otherwise.  It’s not like I have to choose either anytime soon, so this post isn’t about that, but as I was sitting at coffee today with Mr. England, hating what he was wearing, loving our conversations and being way too amused by the panic I see in his eyes, I was wondering why I don’t want to jump him like I do every SINGLE time I see (or even think about) Mr. Out of Town.  The thought of Mr. England continuing to online date doesn’t bother me one bit.  No, seriously, it doesn’t.  We all know how much the thought of Mr. Out of Town continuing to date makes me insane.

 

Oh well, until push comes to shove, I will continue to see them both.  And let them fight over me.  Okay, that was WAY more self  confident that I would ever be.  It is kinda nice knowing that there are 2 men out there that think I’m pretty terrific though.  Who knew?

 

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is April 4, 2018

You remember Tinder guy, right?  The one that I hooked up with and then never expected to hear from again.  The one that texted me 2 weekends ago inviting me up to visit him in his hometown.  The one that was actually quite good in bed even though slightly overconfident.  He was a good time.  Nice and friendly and easy to be around.  Let’s be honest though, I needed to get laid.  And he obliged.

 

I heard from him today.  He again invited me to come see him.  Either in his home town or to meet him in a neighboring state where he would be on business.  As I have not one thing planned this coming weekend, I told him so.  I told him that I was all his for the weekend and if he flew me up to see him, there would be fun for all to be had.  He immediately backtracked.  Said he had his kids this weekend.  That he was in the middle of rugby season.  Uhm, so?  He then changed his tune to maybe just a lunchtime rendezvous next time he’s in town (2 weeks).  Huh.

 

What the fuck?  Did he expect for ME to buy my own plane ticket?  I think not.  If he does the inviting, then he also gets the pleasure of paying for my travel.  Makes it more whore-esque that way, don’t you think? 😉

 

Protected: No Take Backs April 1, 2018

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Protected: Some People Just Suck….. March 31, 2018

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Protected: Competition March 29, 2018

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Protected: A Question March 27, 2018

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Protected: So Here We Sit…. March 26, 2018

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I Fear My State Is Out Of Liquor March 25, 2018

No clue what is going on lately. My dating profiles have been blowing up lately. Believe me, I’m not complaining, I just find it weird. I have been asked to meet more this past week/weekend than the entire 3 months previously. Yey me?

Meh, not so sure about that. Every single one of them have invited me to coffee. What. The. Fuck. So they’re all Mormon? We all know my preference for a ‘meet and greet’ and it usually comes in a martini glass. I absolutely hate coffee dates. They feel like interviews and show just how little effort the guy is putting in.

Well, it must be their lucky week. As I’m still on my diet that means I’m also (sadly) on the wagon. Coffee it is gentlemen!

 

Mr. Out Of Towner March 24, 2018

As part of my Albertson’s parking lot messaging marathon the other day on Plenty of Fish, I have a tentative date to the world’s shittiest bar in town to watch a guy sing Karaoke (has it really come to this people?), a tentative coffee date with someone I’m not exceptionally thrilled about meeting and then……….Mr. Out of Towner.

Here’s a tip ladies (and gents) when you’re not feeling the whole ‘search’ feature on your respective dating site. Look at the page that lists the profiles thay have checked you out. I did that and low and behold there was a hottie. I mean like a GOOD LOOKING MAN. Call me superficial, but DAMN. I read his profile and found something to message about, so I did. You have absolutely nothing to lose by messaging someone who looked at your profile and opted out of writing. You never know, right? Unfortunately, Mr. Hottie lives 2+ hours away. Boo me. Oh well, he’ll probably never write back anyway. Just for good measure, I screen-shotted his pic and promptly sent it off to my online dating blogger bestie with the message “Why the hell don’t guys in my town look like this?”

Mr. Hottie messaged back. And we proceeded to text message pretty consistently throughout the day. As we don’t exactly live close, we decided we would be each other’s virtual wingman and be friends. Eh, I could do worse than making an online buddy, right? We swapped phone numbers and ended up talking for close to 4 hours on the phone on Thursday. He’s quirky and funny, smart as hell, more than a bit ‘hippie’ and has some definite differences in viewpoint. Who cares? We’re just pals, right?

Then comes Friday and a few more calls. The last being 7 HOURS long. And 7 hours with no awkward silences. 7 hours of learning pretty much everything about him. 7 hours of him picking up on things with me that I thought I kept very well hidden. He kind of ‘gets me’. I kind of get him. Our conversation took on a different tone in these calls and the ‘virtual wingman’ seems to have morphed into a ‘definite maybe’. I have always had a ‘vision’ of what my ‘one’ would look like. Not in a physical sense, but in a characteristic type of sense. I always assumed ‘he’ would be some sort of a businessman; smart, funny, logical with a touch of whimsy. Mr. Hottie is pretty much none of these aside from being smart and funny. He works blue collar 2 weeks a months and takes the other 2 weeks off. He believes in aliens (what?!?!). He believes in a ‘creator’ (I do not). He *gasp* supports Trump. He is a total believe in Crypto-currency. His taste in music kinda sucks. His preferences in movies is even worse. He vapes (I HATE that). He smokes weed a couple times a week (I hate that even more). He doesn’t drink. NONE of these things ‘match’ me.

He likes me. He thinks I’m beautiful. He loves my smile and the ‘brightness’ in my eyes when I smile. He speaks in terms of ‘us’ and ‘the future’. He has mentioned several times about joining in on family vacations (his kids are older). He has assumed that ‘this’ is something. My inner romantic is completely at war with my inner realist. I KNOW that ‘this’ is potentially nothing. We haven’t even met yet. I know that ‘this’ could potentially be something. Something good. I also know that he has some definite red flags. He’s been married 3 times. He is just 4 moths out of his last (5 year relationship). He might be co-dependent. He has addiction issues. All of these things pose concerns for me. Serious ones. Although we have VERY differing viewpoints on some things, on others, it’s as if we share a brain.

We haven’t even met yet. Getting to know someone before we’ve met and I can gauge chemistry is against everything I believe as an online dater. I spoke to him about all of my concerns with ‘this’. And about him seemingly already inserting me into future plans. It’s all too fast. It all seems a bit too convenient. I told him that we should just be friends for a while. That he needs to figure out what it is, exactly, that he wants. I told him that I have absolutely no desire to me ‘Miss Right Now’. That I don’t want either of us to have regrets. I truly feel that, although he genuinely likes me and thinks I’m pretty awesome (duh), that I might be the one with good timing. That he misses talking to someone and having someone to share things with and that I’m convenient and fill that void. I’m just about the world’s best listener. I am kind and supportive while also not hesitating to call someone out on their shit. I ask questions. I am truly fascinated by people. He kind of fascinates me. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me scratch my head.

Although I told him not to, he removed his profile from Plenty of Fish. I did not. He will not be dating. I will. He asked, without really asking, if I would be willing to not date while he figures his shit out. I told him no. That I will never again be anyone’s Plan B. He completely understands. He’s truly a nice man and understands. Could this be something? Who knows. We should probably meet sooner than later and even see if the chemistry is there. I’m pretty sure it would be, but who knows……. Do I dare be hopeful? Hell yes I should! But I also won’t get carried away with things either. This is online dating, right?

 

Protected: Late Night Shenanigans March 19, 2018

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Kissy Emoticons March 18, 2018

My new favorite dating coach is a big proponent of using a kissy emoticon in text messages. No, not to your mother, but to guys. Guys you haven’t yet met. Guys online that you may, or may not, ever meet. I’ve honestly never use the kissy emoticon. When guys I don’t know send it to me, I find it a bit creepy. I need to get over that shit. I am working on the art of flirting. I know I’m a great date; funny, entertaining, a good listener, blah, blah, blah. I do think I need to up my flirting game though.

I had mostly male friends in college. I loved it. Guess what though? Being ‘one of the guys’ doesn’t make you any more appealing as a potential partner. Sure, I hooked up with many (MANY) guys in college, but only had one or 2 ‘boyfriends’. At the time, I didn’t find anything wrong with that. Looking back, I know there were some definite opportunities missed.

I know I have intentionally held back on flirting online as I didn’t want to give ‘them’ the wrong idea. Uh, what? Yeah, I know. I had it in my head that any overt flirting and the guy would get the wrong impression of me. My ridiculous overthinking of things has gotten a bit out of control. Who cares what they think of me online? Sure, I want guys to like me, but damn. I’m naturally flirty. I’m naturally complimentary (which, did you know, makes guys very nervous). I need to stop ‘thinking’ about everything and just do. If a guy doesn’t like it or can’t handle it, then he can’t handle me.

So, with this newfound realization, and a fresh off the presses reactivated Tinder profile, I’ve been putting my emoticon game to good use. I’m currently messaging with 2 cuties (well, 4, but 2 pretty consistently). They are both players. Normally, this would make me nervous and weirded out. How do I know this? Because Bachelor #1 and I messaged back and forth quite a bit before I hid my Tinder profile. Well, to be completely accurate, we messaged back and forth before I freaked out when he wanted to meet and I deleted him. Ha. Right? I’m an idiot. He was pretty up-front about what he was looking for. I completely appreciate that. It still freaked me out. Not this time. Not everyone has to be Mr. Right. It’s okay to be a Mr. Right Now. I think I’ve found 2. Let’s see how things go ……..

 

The Twitter March 17, 2018

So when I wake up each morning, I check Twitter to see what’s going on in the world. What? That’s not the way to keep up on current events? I think it is. Much can be garnered from those concise little snippets. What happened on my favorite Bravo TV show the night before. Which star is fighting with who on any given day. What our illustrious president is rambling incoherently about. All sorts of important stuff.

I have a Twitter account. Well, not ‘me’ but the other ‘me’. I don’t actually post my own tweets often. I mainly just re-tweet stuff. Funny shit. Inspirational things. Horoscope related. You know; important things. If I were to compose a tweet of my own today it would probably go something like this: “Huge declaration to avoid all things online dating related until the end of the month was bullshit”.

Catchy, right? And truthful. I’m weak. I need male attention. Okay, not really, but damn, I kind of *gasp* missed it. I lasted how many days? 4? 5? What can I say? I got bored. And I only reactivated one profile. Go ahead and guess which one. No really, guess. Did you guess? What did you guess? If you guessed Tinder, you’d be right!

Tinder is what it is. There’s no bullshit. As I AM ultimately looking for a relationship, but not actually completely averse to a little ‘side action’, this ‘might’ be an okay thing? For today. I’m sure my mind will change again tomorrow. I think the thing that needs to change is my attitude towards it all. I don’t need to be so paranoid about what someone will think about me being on Tinder. I don’t need to approach each and every possible date as being so worried about ‘what will they expect or think’. They’re on Tinder too and guess what? I’m in charge. I am in possession of the vagina in this scenario. If I like a guy that I meet off of Tinder, I will try my best not to be a total whore and sleep with him off the bat. I’ve done the research and completely disproved this method. 😉 If I meet someone that I ‘like’ and am attracted to but know he’s totally inappropriate for relationship material? Well then, all bets are off.

 

I Need A Tutor March 16, 2018

So with the next 2 weeks off from online dating, I find myself with a lot of time on my hands to think about, er. online dating. What I do right, what I do wrong. What I’m good at, what I could improve upon. How I go about messaging potential dates that contact me (and yes, of course, I sometimes contact 1st – gotta help make your own magic, right?).

I am looking for a relationship. Plain and simple. I refuse to settle however. These 2 things are sort of in direct contrast to one another because as I would like to find a relationship, I wouldn’t be completely opposed to ‘dating’ (and by dating, I totally mean sleeping with) someone that wasn’t long term appropriate. How do I go about finding one without alienating the other? My profiles state that I’m looking for a relationship. That I’m not a one night stand kinda gal. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t enjoy a playmate or 2 (who am I?). I just want to make out with someone for shit’s sake!

I finally got some of my mojo back this year. It had been 4 LONG years since I last slept with anyone. Or, truth be told, even made out with someone. Yes, TD did that big of a number on me. And I wasn’t really looking. But when I was, no one I liked was interested anyway. Boo.

I’m self conscious and neurotic and a bit on the needy side when I like a guy. I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am an awesome date with a great sense of humor, a shit ton of smarts (in all things aside men) and not horribly offensive to look at. I also know that I’m a complete nerd and never know how to act after a date. If I don’t like the guy, who the hell cares, but if I do, well then damn. Let the shit show begin.

Anywhoo, I follow a lot of online dating bloggers. I have found exactly 2 virtual dating doppelgangers on here. The 1st to share the same brain as me was an awesome gal who was every bit as funny and snarky and cynical when it came to online dating. She started dating someone right around the same time that I met TD. She is still with her someone and hasn’t blogged in years. We all know where I am.

My 2nd online idol/doppelganger/brain sharer I have followed for years and we’ve kind of had way too many past/present life (and thoughts) experiences. She, like myself, gave up online dating and/or blogging for a while. She’s back. In every sense of the word. And she is KILLING IT! Someone with long term potential and TWO ‘playmates’. In only 9 online dates. NINE! I’ve had 15 and only managed to find one I was even remotely (okay, more than remotely) interested in.

I do believe the universe brings you what you put out there. I DO believe that my one is out there. I DO know there are good guys online. I DO believe I’m a pretty amazing catch (kinda). I’m wondering if I’m doing something wrong. Or approaching something wrong.

I know I waste way too much time messaging men that I probably will never meet. I have gone thru phases of responding to everyone who wrote, meeting everyone who asked, and being open to every possibility. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t ‘missing’ something about someone or judging too soon. I was waiting for just one of them to surprise me with something that I hadn’t picked up on online. None did. I also feel kinda bad ignoring messages from completely nice guys that I just don’t find attractive.

Here’s the kicker. While I whine and moan that I can’t meet anyone to date, I have met many (okay, several) that would like to date me, but that I wasn’t attracted to, or didn’t have a spark with, or they were 5’7″ (back off, I’m 5’10”, not gonna happen). I’ve also met many men in the past that I’ve wanted to date but they haven’t wanted to date me. Boo them. I need to find the perfect storm of being a funny and flirty date while on a date with a funny and flirty man. While my tutor sits on my shoulder and instructs me what to do so I don’t fuck it all up…..

Any applicants? No, okay, then please feel free to offer me your best piece of dating advice!

* edited to add: I do follow dating coaches (the cute ones) and while I think they’re great for some, I firmly believe that I should be able to figure my own shit out. I’m not a therapy or coaching kinda gal (see how well this has worked out for me?) 😉 💖

 

S.A.D. March 15, 2018

For all of you already rolling your eyes at the torture thought of this being yet another introspectively annoying woe is me post, HA! It’s not. Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you…

The weather here sucks. I’m good with cold or snow or whatever as long as the sun comes out. It’s been gloomy and grey since Monday and is forecasted to be much of the same thru next week. Gross. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing. A bullshit one I used to think, but not so sure anymore. I’m starting to understand why the suicide rate is so high in places like Seattle. Gah.

I think I have the opposite of S.A.D. though. No, I don’t love gloomy weather (or thoughts, for that matter), but damn if I’m not feeling better about everything today.

The diet sucks, the not drinking sucks even more. You know what doesn’t suck? Having all of my online dating profiles hidden! Not dealing with random online inappropriates is good for the soul!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be back to it soon enough, but for now I can just be. And not give a shit about what anyone thinks. I’m going to bundle up, take my dog for a walk, grab my yoga mat and zen the fuck out. Stay tuned for stories of how unflexible I am (in more than my dating expectations) 😉

Happy Thursday!

 

Make Them Wait March 9, 2018

Oh hell no, I’m not talking about holding out on physicality with someone I like. We all know how amazingly weak willed I am when it comes to that. Let’s face it, after a 4 year dry spell, my resolve is pretty much nil. Add to that the elusive factor of actually having chemistry with a guy and all bets are off. Hopefully as 2018 provides more ‘play time’ for me, I’ll be able to hold out, but for now, it is what it is and if someone invites me over for a netflix and chill on a Wednesday morning, sign me up for that impending shit show.

Huh, seem to have gotten off topic. How very Grey Goose of me. I have declared March a date free zone. Free from responding to men online that I’m not all that excited about hearing from. Free from checking out men’s profiles to see is there is ANY common ground. Free from trepidatiously looking through online photos to see if they are posed with a fish. Or their latest kill (gross). Or a motorcycle. Or corvette. Or with their ex wife with her face blacked out. It’s seriously cringe worthy some of the pics that men (and I assume women, choose to post).

I have my dating apps set to notify me when I receive messages. I have hidden both my Tinder and my OkStupid profile. I have deleted my OurTime and Bagel Meets Coffee profiles. I have not signed onto Bumble in over a week. I have not looked at Plenty of Fish since before my vacation.

I presently have 23 messages waiting for me in my in box (heeee! I said in box). And I’m ignoring them all. I was chatting with a few men before I left, but none excited me. There was even an older gentleman, distinguished looking and very polite, but he always addressed me as ‘young lady’. While respectful in his day, I’m sure, the fact that I’m 50 (ouch) and he calls me that is just kinda creepy.

So there my new potential suitors will stay. Sitting in my in box (hee), awaiting my reply. And I don’t feel the least bit bad about it….