How did I spend my Friday, you ask? Oh, you didn’t? Well too bad, I’m going to tell you anyways. I made the rounds of old boyfriends and old, whatever the hell TD was categorized as. Not my most brilliant move. Didn’t even really occur to me today what I was doing until I found myself, sitting on my bed and staring at the ceiling feeling uber sorry for myself.
I went to see ex bf #1 for very valid reasons. We are friends. He was very sweet to me during the recovery from my horrendous surgery last year. He watches my dogs for me. I watch his. We haven’t dated for probably 7 or 8 years, but we’re still in contact and that’s a-ok with his new live in love. They are very happy together and I’m happy (ish) for them. I went over today to check on him as he just went through something pretty difficult. We chatted a bit, I dropped off some food for him. He gave me some supplies for my dogs and that was that. He’s on his way to happily ever after and I’m on my way to………..i don’t know. 😦
Next stop was to take TD’s kids’ Valentine’s Day presents. Yes, I know, they’re too old for that, but it makes me happy to do it, so I do. As TD had already announced that he was headed to Vegas today, I assumed he had already left when his son told me to come over any time before 3pm today. So I did. And I walked up and rang the front doorbell. A seemingly innocuous thing, but something I haven’t done in over a year. I usually wait in my car, on the curb, for the kids and text them to come out. I don’t want to make TD feel uncomfortable (or myself), so I just never get out of my car. Anyway, his son his son’s girlfriend greeted me and told me to come in as no one was home (TD or ‘her’) and so I did. We sat in the kitchen and chatted, I looked at a calendar that TD’s daughter had ordered for him full of pictures from last year. Sorry, full of pictures of he and ‘her’ from last year. Yeah, that kinda hurt. Anyway, as I was leaving I saw a suitcase in the hallway and asked what it was doing there. Apparently TD hadn’t left for Vegas yet after all, but most likely went screaming out the door when he heard I was coming over. I immediately felt totally uncomfortable and said I needed to go as I had assumed (yes, well aware of what they say about assuming and yes, I felt like a huge ass) TD was already gone.
Driving home it made me sad to realize that TD does that every time I’m coming to the house. Even though I never get out of the car, he makes a point to not be there. Whether he does that for his sake or mine, I don’t know. Makes me feel like shit though. I go out of my way to steer clear and not cause waves, yet I always seem to be accused of causing waves. Anywhoo, as I was driving home, I imagined TD coming home and getting pissed that I was inside the house. In order to try to avoid a nastygram coming my way (or at least that’s what I told myself), I sent a quick text saying that I was sorry I missed him at the house and to have a great weekend in Vegas. To which I got no response. Go figure.
So basically, as I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling and bemoaning my single status, I had to face the hard fact of the matter that despite all the mean hearted things he’s said to me over the past year (2 really), I still have some pretty big issues regarding him. As in, I might want him back. Not that I ever had him, mind you, but I want to try. Again. Feel free to virtually bitch slap me for just posting that.
Disclaimer: I know that although I may want to ‘see’ again, I’m not stupid enough to think that he does. Despite it all though, I’m pretty damn sure that if both ‘she’ and I were trapped in a burning building and he could only save one of us, it would be me. Just another delusion to add to the pile…….. I will continue to try and navigate the uber defeatest world of online dating and really try to figure out if it’s him that I really want back, or that I just want someone. Not ‘anyone’, mind you, but ‘someone’. Someone damn special……..
Don’t you just love when I get all introspective and pathetic?
The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater 