So is it weird that I asked Mr OoT if I could meet his sister from out of town that i hadn’t yet met and go to a family BBQ that his parents were having? No? Well maybe I need to fill in some blanks and then you can decide.
I haven’t written much (or at all) about Mr. OoT and I since just about the beginning of the year. Why you ask? Well that was because I was sparing you all (and myself) the annoyance of rolling your eyes and yelling at the computer.
Mr. OoT and I have issues. Big ones. He has some anger management issues. I have some ‘fixer’ issues. He has some deflection and projection issues. I have some defensive issues. We weren’t the best match to begin with (understatement of the century). Throw in that we are long distance and that makes everything a million times harder.
We’ve been in so many arguments that I’ve lost track. He tells me I fight weird. This is because I don’t engage. I allow him to go off on me and spew some of the most hateful and hurtful things at me and all I do is warn him to make sure he really means the things he’s saying as he can’t take them back once said. This usually just infuriates him more. I’m not quite sure when I became someone that would allow ANYONE to speak to me that way, but here I am. Or was.
This last time was especially cruel. He usually has a somewhat set litany of things that he venomously spews at me, but the past couple of times he’s thrown in new things to the effect of ‘the long line of women waiting to date him’. Uhm, wait, what? I know that Mr. OoT’s version of telling the truth is most rational people’s version of a lie. I know his “tells”. I know he wouldn’t have said this unless he was actually talking to other women. And he has been. How do I know? I went through his phone. And that, my friends is when I realized I was becoming a crazy person. I DO NOT go thru people’s phones. There is never anything good that can come of that. It’s a huge violation of trust and a horrible thing to do. I had to know though. And guess what? He has been overtly flirting with a couple of women. I see that as cheating and crossing the line, he does not. He feels he should get a gold star for not actually sleeping with them when he could have. Uhm no, gold stars are not given for doing the right thing and being a decent human being. Do I think he’d be flirting with other women if we were in a good place? No I don’t. As we aren’t/weren’t does that make it any less shitty? Nope.
One other thing he spewed at me was ‘no wonder you’re alone’. Sort of an odd thing for a supposed boyfriend to say, right? I realized though that he was right. I am alone. I have been for the past year. He’s not here when I need him to be. Physically or emotionally. We fight way too much. He has slowly and systematically crushed my spirit and sense of self worth. When did I become the woman that would allow that?!
I saw him over the weekend. He went off on me again. This time it was different. I fought back. Not in the insane way that he fights, but simply asked, when he finally took a breath, “are you happy now? do you feel better now that you’ve said these horrible things to me? you are truly an asshole and I deserve better” and walked out. I’ve said things to this affect before to no avail. I always counter balance his evil side in my head with his generous spirit and kind, yet hugely damaged, heart and end up giving him a pass. He never truly apologizes. This time was different.
He came to find me and when he did, he was crying. Like hysterically crying. He apologized a million ways, said that I don’t deserve any of this, that he doesn’t know why he does this, that he realizes his anger is getting progressively worse, that I’m one of the best people he’s ever met (I am), that I DO deserve better (I do), that he is going to seek some help and work on himself. He then asked if I think that some people are broken beyond repair. To which I replied ‘yes’.
Do I think he’s broken beyond repair? No, not really. I believe that truly broken people will never actually admit to being broken. Do I hope he gets some help? Yes, I certainly do. For his sake. Will I wait around for him like he asked me to? No, I absolutely will not.
Did I ask to go to his family BBQ on Sunday? Yes, yes I did. I wanted a chance to see his family one last time and get a bit of closure. None of them knew we had broken up (oh, aside from the fact that he brought a different girl with him on the 4th of July! Fucker, but that’s a story for another time). It gave me a chance to see everyone one last time. His dad loves me. His dad implored me to come visit any time, with or without Mr. OoT. That speaks volumes. His sisters were great and must have sensed what was going on. They both said it was great seeing me and to not let Mr. OoT get away with too much. They do know him best…..
He wants to remain friends. I said no. He wants me to wait for him. I said no. He wants me to know he will always be here for me. Whatever. Did I tell him to go to hell and never contact me again? No. Not sure why. I will stand my ground this time though.
Oh, and I told him I hated the candle he sent me. In some small way, being the petty bitch he’s always accused me of being made me feel better…..