43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Does Not Remembering Really Mean It Didn’t Happen? June 15, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,mexico,Mr. OoT,texting,Uncategorized,vacation — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:51 am

In true to “I’m a guy” form, I heard from Mr. OoT the next morning after his curt ‘goodnight’ mid Hairdresser discussion as if everything was hunky dory and nothing had happened. Not sure why he does this. Not sure why I allow it to happen. There’s nothing more frustrating than leaving a discussion unresolved. At least for me. For him, it apparently never even happened. Must be nice…..

I’m annoyed right now. I DO like him. He’s kind and generous and funny and smart and has a really good heart buried under all his bullshit. He makes me feel pretty and special and talks of the future. He also has a pretty pronounced misogynistic side to him. Maybe misogyny is too strong a word; selfish? Self absorbed? Although he has told me 3 times now how closed minded I am (always, btw, in regards to his f*ing love of weed), it is actually he who is unable to see things from a different point of view. His interests come first. Although he will ask me what I want to do, watch on tv, eat, whatever, he always defaults to what he wants. He assumes everyone views the world (or should) as he does. For a smart man, he’s kinda dumb in this regard.

I’m feeling kinda disconnected at the moment. We all know that when I don’t feel connected, I get bored. And my mind wanders. Part of the fun of being in a long distance relationship with someone who apparently is incapable of having a serious discussion over the phone is that nothing gets resolved. By fun, I of course mean bullshit. Everything gets left for in person discussions. This takes away from our ‘us’ time and puts a damper on the whole thing, so I usually just let things go. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword. Apparently he’s fine with never getting anything resolved (bonus for him to never be called out on his bullshit). Not so great for me.

He’s mid 2-week stint right now. He will be back in town next Thursday. I leave town for a week on Wednesday. That means 2 more weeks before I see him again. We haven’t spoken much in the past few days. Him because he’s exhausted, me because I’m annoyed. How do we resolve something that one of us doesn’t even view as a problem? I’ve mentioned before about his horrific memory. I attribute that to his misogyny as well. If it doesn’t interest him or he doesn’t view it as important, it doesn’t get remembered. Being able to count on someone is a big thing for me. I don’t know that I can count on him. This is a man who only eats once a day and who I have to remind that I get hungry and need to be fed more than that. It’s kind of weird. And annoying. He’s the least self-aware person that I know. I am one of the most. It boggles my mind that someone so seemingly smart not only doesn’t own their shit, but doesn’t even realize that they have shit to own.

Anywhoo, back to not being able to count on him in the simplest of examples. I fly back into town on the 27th. He has offered to drive the 2 hours from his town to pick me up at the airport and then stay the night at my place. He has also told me that I will need to remind him. What the fuck? Write it down for shit’s sake. I think he’ll forget. I actually plan on him forgetting so instead of ubering to the airport and being assured that he’ll be there, a week later, to pick me up with open arms and a bouquet of flowers (ha), I am driving myself so that my car will be there for when he doesn’t show. Am I being too hard on him? Maybe. Am I expecting too much? Possibly. Has his past non efforts at follow through given me reason to be dubious? Hell yes they have. Not sure what to do. This is not a good week. Boo.

We are pretty great in person. Long distance, not so much …….

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Were There Men Even On Board? May 24, 2018

So. Much. Fun. So. Many. Cocktails. Got back Sunday from my 3 day whirlwind cruise. So glad I went. Even though the ‘jr suite’ that I shared with 2 friends was more like a ‘not so much jr suite’ and I slept on this odd folded out futon like couch thing (diagonally, might I add as it was uber short and I am not), I had a blast.

There were 13 of us in all. And about 6 of that 13 were all about the drama. Tears, tantrums and rudeness included. I successfully avoided it all. And spent most of my time at the bar. Every bar. My ‘core group’ all got the ‘unlimited drinks’ package and, as it’s not really unlimited and is instead limited to 15 drinks per day (boo Carnival), it was an unwritten agreement to try and reach our limit each day. #lifegoals. Sadly, and surprisingly considering we started drinking at 9am each day, I never actually hit 15. Apparently I’m lame. Or just a cheaper date than I used to be.

The laughter was plentiful, the drinks strong, the re-bonding of friendships awesome. The only thing that could have made the experience better would be an in board hook up. Sorry friends, I broke my vacation fling streak.

There weren’t many cute singles on board. There were lots of younger men with ironic man buns though. No thank you. I heard, on night #1 that there was a group of age appropriate hotties spotted in the dining room, but I was not alerted. Damn greedy bitches. I do think I spotted them the next night when they all walked past me on formal night. They were every bit as attractive as I’d heard. There was even a tall nerdy one with glasses just for me. Sadly, and inexplicably, my inner social retard took over and instead of making eye contact when he looked directly at me and smiled, I looked at the ground. WTF?!?! I have no clue what happened. I would normally switch directions and follow them (is it really stalking if it’s just me?), but I totally drew a blank and brain farted on what little game I have left. Eh, oh well, at least they were pretty to look at, however briefly.

I am back home, missing my friends terribly, still awaiting my room service coffee to be delivered to my room and, for some strange reason, am unable to locate the buffet. Damn reality….

 

Bad Decisions on the High Seas May 16, 2018

This weekend I am off for a girls’ trip aboard a shitty little cruise ship to a shitty little destination. I sound excited, right? Well, I am. If only because my FOMO kicked in and I truly miss my friends that I moved away from almost a year ago. When they all told me about the trip, my thoughts ranged from ‘that sounds like a horrible idea’, to ‘seriously? a 3 day cruise? who does that?’ to ‘damn, I’m going to be missing out’. As I am still not working (or looking, for that matter), I absolutely should not be going. Oh lookie there, my financial decisions are just as good as my romantic ones! I’m going. Fuck it.

All of the women going on the trip are single. Heaven help any men aboard the ship as more than a few of us are a bit boy crazy. Although you will all agree that I am kind of pre-occupied with finding someone of the opposite sex, compared to several of my friends I’m a complete amateur in that regard. No, really. I actually forsee arm-wrestles over anyone attractive. There will be shoving, tripping, running and all forms of mahem. Haven’t actually decided if I will be participating. Kinda think not.

In true Grey Goose form, of the 10 of us going, I only really care about my ‘core’ group of 4. The rest are just filler. And sort of annoying. The riff raff (kidding!) are planning a big excursion in one of the ports that will take up most of the day. I, true to form, will be forgoing that less than appealing option to stay on board and drink. And tan. And ogle the crew (yes, I’m THAT girl, stop acting surprised). Because my tribe is awesome, they are staying on board with me!

I am looking forward to a terrific trip reconnecting with friends, drinking WAY too much, eating WAY too much, acting a bit immature (go figure) and laughing WAY WAY too much. Can there ever be too much laughter though? I think not.

Mr. OoT is not thrilled that I am going on this trip and has already requested that if I do hook up with anyone, to NOT tell him. As I don’t forsee that even happening, it’s a moot point. Kinda cute that he’s worried though. As a little bonus to this post and because I have offered no real updates on him lately, Mr. OoT is out of town again working. I won’t see him for 10 more days. He has already told me that he misses me, that he wishes we could see each other more often and that *silence for the suspense* he is going to pick out a drawer for me in his room. A whole drawer! Just for me! 😉 Oh, and he also mentioned that he hid his online profile…….

 

The Text April 25, 2018

While I was obsessing over Mr. OoT not responding to a text I had sent last night, I received a text! What do you know?! Oh wait, not from him. From a number that was no longer stored in my phone. From a number that I didn’t recognize with the message of ‘Wow, it’s been a really long time; almost a year. I was just thinking about you. If you don’t respond, I will understand and not contact you again’. Huh. No clue who it was from. No clue if it was someone I’d be happy to hear from or not. The fact that I had deleted their existence frim my phone did not bode well for them. I googled the phone number and came up with his web page. Huh. Interesting. Totally remember him and totally remember why I deleted him from my phone. I responded back and we ‘chatted’ for a bit. He was sweet and funny and complimentary (all MUCH needed yesterday). I told him I’d moved. I also explained that he was, indirectly, one of the reasons that I moved away. That the way I was approaching relationships was a bit fucked up (and still is, apparently). He apologized for being a flake and an asshole to me. I told him that he was forgiven. Life is just too damn short to hold grudges. He wants to see me. He asked that I please let him know next time that I’m in town. Who knows…… What could it hurt? Ha! Famous last words. As I have no plans to be back in his town until the fall, it’s sort of a non issue.

Nope, it wasn’t TD. It was Repo Man

 

Mr. Out Of Towner March 24, 2018

As part of my Albertson’s parking lot messaging marathon the other day on Plenty of Fish, I have a tentative date to the world’s shittiest bar in town to watch a guy sing Karaoke (has it really come to this people?), a tentative coffee date with someone I’m not exceptionally thrilled about meeting and then……….Mr. Out of Towner.

Here’s a tip ladies (and gents) when you’re not feeling the whole ‘search’ feature on your respective dating site. Look at the page that lists the profiles thay have checked you out. I did that and low and behold there was a hottie. I mean like a GOOD LOOKING MAN. Call me superficial, but DAMN. I read his profile and found something to message about, so I did. You have absolutely nothing to lose by messaging someone who looked at your profile and opted out of writing. You never know, right? Unfortunately, Mr. Hottie lives 2+ hours away. Boo me. Oh well, he’ll probably never write back anyway. Just for good measure, I screen-shotted his pic and promptly sent it off to my online dating blogger bestie with the message “Why the hell don’t guys in my town look like this?”

Mr. Hottie messaged back. And we proceeded to text message pretty consistently throughout the day. As we don’t exactly live close, we decided we would be each other’s virtual wingman and be friends. Eh, I could do worse than making an online buddy, right? We swapped phone numbers and ended up talking for close to 4 hours on the phone on Thursday. He’s quirky and funny, smart as hell, more than a bit ‘hippie’ and has some definite differences in viewpoint. Who cares? We’re just pals, right?

Then comes Friday and a few more calls. The last being 7 HOURS long. And 7 hours with no awkward silences. 7 hours of learning pretty much everything about him. 7 hours of him picking up on things with me that I thought I kept very well hidden. He kind of ‘gets me’. I kind of get him. Our conversation took on a different tone in these calls and the ‘virtual wingman’ seems to have morphed into a ‘definite maybe’. I have always had a ‘vision’ of what my ‘one’ would look like. Not in a physical sense, but in a characteristic type of sense. I always assumed ‘he’ would be some sort of a businessman; smart, funny, logical with a touch of whimsy. Mr. Hottie is pretty much none of these aside from being smart and funny. He works blue collar 2 weeks a months and takes the other 2 weeks off. He believes in aliens (what?!?!). He believes in a ‘creator’ (I do not). He *gasp* supports Trump. He is a total believe in Crypto-currency. His taste in music kinda sucks. His preferences in movies is even worse. He vapes (I HATE that). He smokes weed a couple times a week (I hate that even more). He doesn’t drink. NONE of these things ‘match’ me.

He likes me. He thinks I’m beautiful. He loves my smile and the ‘brightness’ in my eyes when I smile. He speaks in terms of ‘us’ and ‘the future’. He has mentioned several times about joining in on family vacations (his kids are older). He has assumed that ‘this’ is something. My inner romantic is completely at war with my inner realist. I KNOW that ‘this’ is potentially nothing. We haven’t even met yet. I know that ‘this’ could potentially be something. Something good. I also know that he has some definite red flags. He’s been married 3 times. He is just 4 moths out of his last (5 year relationship). He might be co-dependent. He has addiction issues. All of these things pose concerns for me. Serious ones. Although we have VERY differing viewpoints on some things, on others, it’s as if we share a brain.

We haven’t even met yet. Getting to know someone before we’ve met and I can gauge chemistry is against everything I believe as an online dater. I spoke to him about all of my concerns with ‘this’. And about him seemingly already inserting me into future plans. It’s all too fast. It all seems a bit too convenient. I told him that we should just be friends for a while. That he needs to figure out what it is, exactly, that he wants. I told him that I have absolutely no desire to me ‘Miss Right Now’. That I don’t want either of us to have regrets. I truly feel that, although he genuinely likes me and thinks I’m pretty awesome (duh), that I might be the one with good timing. That he misses talking to someone and having someone to share things with and that I’m convenient and fill that void. I’m just about the world’s best listener. I am kind and supportive while also not hesitating to call someone out on their shit. I ask questions. I am truly fascinated by people. He kind of fascinates me. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me scratch my head.

Although I told him not to, he removed his profile from Plenty of Fish. I did not. He will not be dating. I will. He asked, without really asking, if I would be willing to not date while he figures his shit out. I told him no. That I will never again be anyone’s Plan B. He completely understands. He’s truly a nice man and understands. Could this be something? Who knows. We should probably meet sooner than later and even see if the chemistry is there. I’m pretty sure it would be, but who knows……. Do I dare be hopeful? Hell yes I should! But I also won’t get carried away with things either. This is online dating, right?

 

2 More…. March 5, 2018

Nights, not 28 year olds silly. Still at the beach, still loving everything about being here. Kinda lost my mojo after the 1st night though.

Not sure where it went. Not feeling so awesome about myself for whatever reason. Not sure why. Oh wait, yes I do. Those friends that like to pigeon hole me are at it again. Today alone I have been asked why I’m so pissed off (I wasn’t), why I was in a bad mood (I wasn’t), I was (jokingly, I assume/hope) teased for being a drunk (I’m not) and a whore (I wish). I was referred to as old too. All amazing things for my self confidence.

There is a whole new slew of college boys in town. Sure, they’re MUCH to young for me, but the fact that are joking around and chatting up all my friends (who are much older than me) and haven’t even glanced in my direction is a total bummer.

To top it all off, I just totally lost my shit. In a public place. In front of everyone. Regarding an amazingly ill handled issue. You see, in addition to being a snarky professional online dater, I’m a very intelligent & well spoken woman (on any topic not regarding a cute guy) who doesn’t really enjoy not beimg in control of my emotions. Alcohol may have been involved…..

 

Night One March 1, 2018

A 28 year old. Go me. In theory. Got here this afternoon. Immediately proceeded to a friend’s condo for a beer. It went downhill from there. By downhill, I mean heading to the bar and proceeding to drink with friends for the next 7 hours and having a fucking blast.

We met some 20 somethings here on a bachelor weekend (let’s keep in mind that I am a semi ancient 50. Damn). No shit. Shots were had, drinks were had, 20 somethings on a bachelor trip were had. It was damn fun.

I decided to have some extra fun. I gave one of the kids my number. What transpired were hours of awkward texts from him. Like an insecure eager puppy. It was cute. My friends and I proceeded to respond to him (as me, of course). I told him to come over. He did. What happened next was a sped up version of the most selfish ‘session’ ever.

He was cute and hard bodied and half my age. He was every bit as selfish as I remember 20 year olds to be. He had the weirdest energy about him when he showed up. Eh, what did I care?

It was over way too soon and off he went. While fun for the short time that it lasted, not sure it was worth the effort of getting undressed.

I’ve got 5 more days left of vacay. Oh, and all of those ‘watching eyes’ that I was afraid of? They all rooted me on….

I love Mexico