So….About Yesterday… November 25, 2020

I swear it had to be a full moon. I know it wasn’t, but damn, some weirdly stupid shit happened.

I am at my happy place for the winter. I was sitting on a friend’s patio when an ex friend (would love to share the backstory, but I have no clue what I did. No, really) walks by and calls me a bitch. Waot, what? I wasn’t even looking in her direction. She then calls another friend a c*nt, flips us off and calls us mean girls. Uhm, what just happened?

Although I love a good Mean Girls reference, we were all shocked. Oh, and pissed. I ‘may’ have suggested she adjust her meds after she called us all names. She then announced that she wasn’t on any (hmmm, may be something she wants to consider, just saying) and that I’M the one who needs to be medicated.

Hello dumbass, that’s what vodka is for. 😉 Kidding. Kind of. So surreal and unprovoked. People are nuts.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, I heard from Repo Man/The P.I. (I can’t remember what I used to call him or how to link previous posts 🙄). Mr. Nice Guy was either drinking or has some issues as it wasn’t pleasant……. stay tuned

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I Miss You January 26, 2020

So read Mr. OoT’s last text to me.  Well of course you do, you big dumbass.  You had a year and half (actually, almost 2 years) to step up and at least TRY to get some help with your issues, but no, it was all too ‘inconvenient’ for you.  I just wasn’t worth it for you to put in the effort.  Idiot.

He had sent me a text with a link to a dishwasher the other day.  I ignored it.  I know what he was doing.  He counted on me to help him replace all his piece of shit appliances in his new piece of shit house.  To let him know what would look best.  To find the best deal.  To make sure all would work.  You see, Mr. OoT isn’t big on details.  I think he probably reads every 3rd word (at best) when reading descriptions (or my texts, for that matter).  The last time he ordered an appliance online, ‘it got delivered in the wrong color’.  No, my friend.  No it didn’t.  You failed to notice that the microwave you were purchasing was Almond in color, not white.

The fact that Mr. OoT’s favorite time to online shop is at night when high, it came as no surprise.  I actually had to keep myself from laughing the day the microwave got delivered and he removed it from the box.  He was SO pissed!  Anywhoo, back to this dishwasher.  It was an 18″ one.  Most people know that a standard dishwasher is either 23 or 24 inches across. For those that don’t, reading the product description as ‘compact version will fit in smaller spaces’ might be a bit of a tip-off.  This ALL escaped his notice.

He sent me a follow up message the next day asking “yes or no?”  I had more than half a mind to give him the thumbs up so he would order it and be super pissed/surprised when this mini version arrived.  As I’m not (always) a complete bitch, I wrote back that it would be better for him to order a standard sized dishwasher. He had NO CLUE that dishwashers come in different sizes. *sigh*

He then thanked me for pointing that out, said he would try not to bother me so much and then, as a separate text, sent an “I miss you” and a crying emoji.  I think by the time I am completely over all of this will be 3 seconds before we board our international flight together next month.  And then I can start the whole process over again. *sigh*

Reminders January 21, 2020

Why is it that after a year and a half of tantrums (his, not mine), arguments, name calling and all around ridiculousness, my brain is fighting me to not discount all of this and remember all the good times.

All the fun we had.  The times he was sweet and thoughtful.  The time (just once) that he drove to my town to surprise me. The times he was a great boyfriend.  Our relationship was ridiculous.  Both his fault and mine.  I resisted liking him.  I fought admitting that I did.  I didn’t feel he was the type of person that I should be with.  I screwed up our relationship at the very start.  He screwed it up from there.

He has legit anger issues.  He can go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds.  He finds fault in everything.  He takes very little responsibility.  He has zero self awareness.  He fights dirty.  He always held our relationship over my head.  Always threatened to leave.  This last time he actually said, after telling me last time we were together how much he loves spending time with me and how he forgets how good we are together, that ‘he hates spending time with me’.  He did shit like that all the time.  Told me super sweet things and then, next argument, would counter by telling me how shitty I was.  Gah, it was ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I miss him.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’ve had to fight wanting to call him the past couple of days.  I’m not sure why.  Our conversations had gotten boring.  Surface as shit.  I had stopped telling him anything ‘important’ awhile ago as I didn’t want him to end up using anything important to me against me. That’s one fucked up relationship right there.

Could he be sweet and nice and supportive and charming and generous and kind?  Yes, absolutely.  Unfortunately, he could also be the most petulant, mean, petty, immature, over-reacting man alive.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  That I deserve better.  That I deserve someone capable of having a discussion without spinning it into a huge argument.  Someone who realizes that once said, you cannot take shitty comments back.

I do miss Mr. OoT.  I do not miss how he treated me 40% of the time…….

Repo Man Resurfaces January 17, 2020

Senitlity sucks. The fact that I can’t even remember my blog names for people is kinda sad.  The fact that I can’t link back original posts from the past sucks even more. For you.

Repo Man and I ‘met’ online almost 4 years ago? Maybe 3. Regardless, we never actually met in person at that time. He had asked me, way back then, if I wanted to meet on a Friday or a Sunday.  I chose Sunday.  Apparently he got lucky fell in love with someone else on that Friday. when he cancelled on me, I was fine.  We hadn’t actually met, so who cared.  I was happy for him.

We have kept in touch over the years and he would call me every now and again.  Usually for dating advice.  He is a super nice guy and his M.O. seemed to always be to give his girlfriends 3 do-overs.  Who am I to judge?  I gave Mr. OoT about 37 do-overs. Anyway, our timing never worked.  We were never single at the same time. We never actually met until last year when Mr. OoT and I were broken up (for the 28th time) and Repo Man picked me up at the airport in my old town, took me to lunch, dropped me back off at the airport to catch my connection and laid a huge kiss on me before driving off.  Caught me totally off guard, but I’m always up for a good kiss.

We texted a bit, I did see him last winter, but he was dating someone else by then.  Go figure.  As an aside, I’ve noticed that men my age (ancient) seem to not like to be alone.  They hop from one woman to the next.  I sure wish they would take some time alone to work on their own issues instead of constantly searching for someone new to ‘fit’ where they want them to.

Back to me. I hadn’t heard from Repo Man for almost a year when he called me out of the blue.  We chatted for a long time.  He said he was dating someone new.  He asked why we never dated.  He tracked me down on Facebook and friend requested me. About a month after that I see the grand announcement that he’s engage.  Uhm, what? Whatever, we ALL know he jumped the gun on this.  Not my circus.  I was a decent friend and congratulated him on Facebook.  Yey for love!

When I was back in his city last week, he asked if we could meet for lunch.  Sure, why not, I like food and he’s a nice guy.  My bff said he was interested.  I told her she was crazy.  He was engaged and probably just needed some advice.

We met for lunch, chatted for hours, exchanged relationship stories (his good, mine horrible). He asked what had happened to me.  Where my self confidence had gone.  Ouch.  He told me I was gorgeous and smart and kind and that there was something about me that just made him feel comfortable opening up to me.  This last one I take as one of the best compliments ever.  I’ve been told this many times by many different people.  I love that people feel comfortable talking to me.  I am great at advice and guidance.  For others, of course, not for myself.

He asked, again, why we never dated.  Uhm, not very appropriate when he’s engaged.  I asked if his fiance’ knew we were having lunch together.  Nope.  I asked if he had ever mentioned me to her.  Nope.  I asked how he would explain who I was to her.  I don’t even know how to explain who we are to each other.  We ‘met’ online but never actually dated yet have stayed in touch for 3 years? Probably wouldn’t go over well.  Oh well; not my circus.

Anyway, I gave him some relationship advice (again, do as I say, not as I do), he gave me a huge hug (which I definitely needed) and we went on our separate ways.  Me back to my beach haven and he to his matronly fiance’.  Ooops, did I say that?  I decided that his relationship was his deal.  He needs to decide if us having lunch is right or wrong.  My fixer days are over for others.  People need to find and follow their own moral compass.  Me?  I just need to do me for a while.

Oh, and he already asked if we could meet for lunch again when I’m back in town next month……..

Do Overs Are Allowed, Right? January 13, 2020

Nope, don’t throw your computer out the window.  I don’t mean with Mr. OoT.  After I wrote and posted my last entry I went back and re-read the whopping NINE posts I made in 2019.  All with varying degrees of ‘look what an idiot I am!’.  I promised I was done with Mr. OoT over and over again.  Yikes. Pretty pathetic.

I promised myself that I would start 2020 in a better place; not just geographically (because, duh, the beach) but mentally.  And I didn’t.  I let myself down.  Things had been ‘over’ for a while, I just didn’t want to admit it.  The last time I visited Mr. OoT (he bought a house towards the end of last year that I spent WAY too much time, energy and money helping fix up) pretty much illustrated how much my feelings had waned.  I was sick the week before and he was away working.  He would call and say how he wished he were there to take care of me. I said that would be awesome. He returned home and I was still sick.  Did he come take care of me like he said? No, of course not.  He was ‘busy’.  Whatever. We had agreed that when he was home that the dogs and I would come stay at his house in his town and we did.  Too bad that he was now sick.  I took care of him.  I cooked. I decorated.  I ran errands.  Know what else I did? I slept in the guest room.  Uhm…..

I don’t need a ‘buddy’.  I certainly don’t need a long distance friend. I figured I would stay in the guest room the 1st night only as Mr. OoT was coughing up a storm.  Nope. I stayed there all week.  Quite the roommate situation.  The 2nd night I was there we watched a movie on the couch.  When it was time for bed, we walked down the hall together and he kissed me on my forehead and stopped in front of the guest room door.  I said ‘really?’ He just chuckled, went into his room and shut the door. What the fuck?

Although it was the best sleep I’d ever gotten with him (he snores loud enough to wake the dead and gets up about a dozen times a night), this wasn’t what I signed up for.  When I really thought about it though, I wasn’t all that upset.  That’s when I knew we were over.  It dragged on a few more weeks and ended in the shit-show of a road trip and 1st week of the year. I dropped him off at the airport on January 7th, stayed in town to visit a few friends, and returned back to my beach haven 200lbs lighter on January 9th.

To walk into my beach haven and have it all to myself, free of negative energy and sadness was amazing.  This year I celebrated New Year’s on January 9th.  New year, new outlook, new attitude and new standards.  It is never okay to allow someone/anyone to talk to you like you’re a piece of shit.  That shit is reserved for my mother. 😉

Happy New Year!!!

He Made The Flight January 13, 2019

I KNOW! I’m just as surprised as everyone else! His flight to come visit me left at 6am.  2 hours from his home.  We all know how Mr. OoT loves to sleep.  When I found out that he was planning on NOT driving to the town the airport was in the night prior and staying in a hotel nearby and was instead planning on waking up at 2am and being on the road by 2:30am I instinctively knew he wouldn’t make the flight.  Much to my surprise and delight, he did!

 

He and his 15 year old son arrived to my 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom condo on the beach right on schedule.  To say it was cozy would be an understatement.  It wasn’t nearly as bad as I had feared though.  They were both respectful of their messes (they’re boys, after all) and even managed to put the toilet seat down almost ever time.  Besides stupidity, being late and a complete lack of patience for repeating myself, leaving the toilet seat up is pretty darn high on my list of pet peeves.

 

We had fun.  We ate some great food, bought every single Mexican blanket we could find and, after discovering that there’s a weird lack of pure vanilla extract in the states, bought up all we could find here so Mr. OoT could gift it to his sisters.  After their 6 day visit, I drove them 4 hours to the airport and overnighted in what turned out to be THE scariest hotel I could find.  I guess my sense of cheapness for paying for things that aren’t important needs to be shifted to include clean & safe hotels in non drug addled areas of town.  Go figure.

 

Mr. Oot is back at work and we talk multiple times a day.  He’s making changes.  Good ones.  While we’ll apparently always be polar opposites when it comes to anything religious, evolutionary or drug related, we are finding more ‘safe’ grounds and finally, after almost a year (holy shit, who thought it would last this long?), letting our walls down.  A little.  Any progress is still progress, right?

 

He’ll fly back down in about 5 weeks to help me pack up and drive the 1,200 miles home.  Sorry for being MIA.  My days here pretty much consist of sand, sun, seashells and sleeping in.  Who wants to hear about that? 😉

And So It Begins November 22, 2018

Yesterday I arrived, after a brutal 16 hour drive, complete with a car packed to the gils, my beloved doggie and a full bladder to my sister’s house.  When I left my home, at the lovely hour of 5am it was 23 degrees.  Upon arrival to my sister’s, it was 72 degrees.

 

I am headed to the beach on Monday.  I have a wedding to go to today and plans to see friends tomorrow.

 

You all don’t really care about that now, do you?  You’re here to read about how my last visit with Mr. OoT went.  He visited for 2 days.  It was a good visit.  He helped me get the house in order and offered to help with several other things (that he mysteriously ended up sleeping through).  Mr. OoT needs explicit instruction and a bit of prodding to actually accomplish anything that he has promised.  His intentions are good.  His follow through needs a bit of help.

 

Day one we puttered around the house.  Did tons of yard work, checked gutters, changed light bulbs, cleared out the crawl space.  You know, romantic stuff.  I made us dinner and then we sat in the back yard, all bundled up, by my fire pit.  Now the ‘idea’ of a fire pit on a cold night is much better than the actuality of one.  Maybe it was the sad singular duraflame log that I used, but still.

 

Day 2 we ran a few errands and then had a proper date night.  Happy hour (my FAVORITE hour) and a movie.  We wandered around a cute upscale shopping area and had a kind stranger take some cute pics of us.  Mr. OoT doesn’t drink.  He has always said he doesn’t mind if I do.  He has been sober since the age of 19.  We only go to happy hours at nice restaurants.  Places that don’t feel like a ‘bar’.  The place we went has amazing food and an indoor fireplace feature.  We sat by there and enjoyed some yummy food and great service.  I would never even think of taking Mr. OoT to a bar-bar.  You know, one complete with pool tables, the aroma of stale beer and a bunch a drunks.  I specifically choose places, on the rare occassion that we go, that are restaurant type places.  He says it felt an awful lot like a ‘bar’.  No clue what he’s talking about.  I think he doesn’t realize how often he minimizes the effort I put into making sure he’s okay with things.  Boo.

 

Day 3, we went out to breakfast before he left.  It was an interesting good bye.  We both try super hard to not let the other know how we’re feeling.  Kinda weird since he used to be overly effusive about that shit.  I told him that I’d miss him.  Probably more than I wished I would.  He said he’d miss me too.  Kind of.  I know he was kidding and that he will absolutely miss me a lot, but he refuses to just tell me without some shitty addition to the sentiment.

 

 

Just Admit It October 25, 2018

So silly. And annoying. When I say something and forget. Or when I say something and change my mind. Or when I say something that I regret. All have the same response and reaction from me. I apologize for forgetting, for changing my mind or regret saying. It seems so simple. SO. FUCKING. SIMPLE.

I don’t think I’m in in the minority when it comes to owning my shit. Maybe I am. When it is in regards to stupid shit though it’s just annoying as fuck to not have the other person just admit they forgot or changed their mind or never meant to say it in the first place. How hard is it to say those 4 simple words ‘I’m sorry, I forgot’.

For fuck sake. I talked to Mr. OoT yesterday about his coming to visit next weekend. He doesn’t like to be away from his son when he’s home, so it’s usually a given that he will come with on the rare occasion that Mr. OoT comes to my town. No biggie. I love that he loves his kids. Imagine my surprise and delight when Mr. OoT said (and I quote) “I may just leave him at home for the weekend, would that be okay?” Uhm, YES! I love his son, but this is the last weekend we’ll be able to spend time together before I leave for an extended period of time. When we were talking tonight, however, he mentioned his son being here. I told him that he had said he wasn’t bringing him and he then proceeded to tell me that I misunderstood. That I was wrong. That he never said that. That he was talking about Halloween night, not the weekend. That he never said he wasn’t going to bring his son. That he LOVES his son and doesn’t want to be away from him. Bullshit on the not being able to be away from his 15 year old son, btw (NOT that he loves him – ’cause he does. A lot) Why can he not just say he changed his mind instead of trying to convince me that I am wrong. That I’M the one that misunderstood. I AM wrong a lot of the time. I’m NOT this time.

As a bonus, he said he was probably going to drive up on Saturday and then head home on Sunday. For those of you bad at math, that’s 1 night. ONE. When I said that I was disappointed that he wouldn’t be staying longer, he said that he was too but that he couldn’t. You know, his son has school and all. I’m fucking pissed. I’m leaving for THREE MONTHS. He says he ‘wished’ he could stay longer. Uhm, he could. He doesn’t work when he’s back home. He has 2 solid weeks off. He just doesn’t want to. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that since it’s more than a week away, it wasn’t even on his radar yet (he is incapable of planning ahead). Super great end to our conversation last night.

Pierced Ears September 19, 2018

Mr OoT is away for 3 weeks again. It was only supposed to be 2 weeks, but they need him to stay an extra week. It’s the right thing for him to do. Of course, me being me, I’m bummed because he was going to come see me this weekend. Not happening.

 

We discussed my going to see him next weekend when he returns. That’s not happening either. I had a job come up and I can’t turn down the money or risk losing the client in the future. Boo.

 

Mr. OoT and I are headed for a week’s vacation in about 14 days. 7 days of being on the beach. 7 days in my happy place. Looks like we won’t see each other until then though.

 

We talk often. Like multiple times a day. And it’s not always me calling either. 😉 The conversations have been good, but just not the same as seeing someone in person. We both wish we could see each other more. It’s his fault we won’t see each other this weekend. It’s my fault we won’t see each other next weekend. It will be almost a full month by the time that we see each other again.

 

He says often that he wishes we could see each other more often. I agree. He threw in today that it’s like when you get your ears pierced. That if you don’t keep an earing in there, it starts to close up. That made me incredibly sad because it’s true. That’s exactly how our relationship is.

 

I thought we were doing better by talking so often. It is working on my end. While not optimal, speaking every day helps to keep me engaged and connected. Not sure it does for him.

 

His pierced ear comparison is dead on. If you don’t keep an earing in there, it closes up until you shove an earing in there again. 😦

Expectations, Reality & Plan B September 18, 2018

Expectations, to an extent, are a bad thing.  Standards are good things.  Those shouldn’t be lowered or *gasp* ignored.  Expectations, however, are a tricky thing.  You can’t expect people to act the way you want them to.  Everyone operates with their own set of ‘tools’.  Some people are, in fact, tools themselves.

 

Not sure if I ever mentioned that I actually met Repo Man when I was in my old hometown a few months ago.  He was sweet as can be.  He picked me up from the airport, took me out to lunch and then dropped me off where I needed to be.  We got along great.  He’s very cute.  In looks and personality.  He was sweet and nice and complimentary and smart and insightful.  I liked him.   Pretty sure he liked me too.  What a nice feeling.  When he dropped me off, he got out of his truck and handed me my suitcase.  And he kissed me.  Uhm….. While it wasn’t the worst thing in the universe, it was unexpected and as we’d had Mexican food for lunch it was a tad bit onion-y.  Weird.

 

Although I was seeing Mr. OoT at the time, I continued to communicate with Repo Man.  He was super flirty and kept suggesting that we have a do-over of the kiss.  He was seeing someone as well at the time.  I was very careful about how I responded.  I had a pretty good idea that he was ‘Plan B-ing’ me again.  You know, if the current girlfriend doesn’t work out, there I’d be.  He’d done it twice to me before.  I guess I was doing the same thing to him.  As we live in different states, I kind of considered it a non issue.

 

As it turns out, it WAS a non issue.  Although he was the one to always text me and while I was careful to never discuss Mr. OoT, he would usually mention his girlfriend and how he was pretty sure she wasn’t the one.  Yup, both times we were supposed to meet before he was dating someone else who wasn’t the one either.  As he apparently likes to cram square pegs into round holes (nope, not a euphemism), he would go silent when he decided to give these women ‘one more chance’.  Whatevs.

 

Needless to say, he went silent.  After an hour or so of texting one night, he opted to send me a photo of he and his current square peg.  Uh, thank you?  Weird.  I told him they made a cute couple.  I thought that was more polite than responding “why the fuck did you just send that to me?’  And that, my friends, brings to a close the latest chapter in Repo Man & Grey Goose a couple never meant to be.

 

 

Like Watching A Pot Of Water Boil July 21, 2018

That’s what it’s like watching the calendar.  It doesn’t make the time go by any faster.  Mr. OoT is 12 days into his 21 day stint out of town.  He’s been pretty good about staying in touch and not ‘checking out’.  Which, of course, means that I haven’t checked out.  Yet.

 

He brought up living together yesterday.  Again.  Uhm, WAY too soon for that talk.  And sorry, but just because his BFF moved his brand new girlfriend in already doesn’t mean it’s the move for us.  Pun intended.  Anyway, in the grand scheme of things, I live in the better town and have the better house.  Those are just facts.  Another fact is that Mr. OoT needs to stay in his town for 3 more years until his youngest graduates high school.  Non facts are things such as would I really move to a different town when I love mine so much?  Why would I move to his town when he’s gone half the month anyway?  What the hell would it be like living with Mr. OoT 24/7 forever and ever?  Sure, our ‘dates’ last for days on end, but there is always an end point.  Always a time that I know I will get my ‘space’ back.  To be fair, I’d probably be like this with anyone and realize that I’m no picnic either.  I’m an introvert at heart.  I need my ‘me’ time.  Dealing with Mr. OoT’s not so little idiosyncracies might just drive me insane though.

 

I’m doing well on just letting things go and again, to be fair, he’s doing better at retaining information.  I read a pithy little blurb somewhere yesterday (probably FB or The Twitter as that’s where I keep up on all current events) that said something to the effect of : Just because someone isn’t loving you in the way that you have envisioned doesn’t mean that they’re not loving you to the best of their ability.  Or something like that.  I need to start writing things down…..

 

Anywhoo, as an added ‘bonus’, all sorts of shit is hitting the fan today in my business and normal life and I don’t really think I can talk to Mr. OoT about the business side.  I’m used to being able to lean on whoever I’m seeing (if I recall correctly as it’s been so long ago) to offer advice and talk thru things with me.  I just sent Mr. OoT a text about one specific thing going on and he’s not getting it.  He’s never had anything other than a time-clock punching job and his mind just doesn’t work ‘business-wise’.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that by any means, but it’s just different and he has no perspective on what it’s like to live my ‘work’ life.  It’s highlighting another difference between he and I.  Last week when I told him about an issue I was having with a particularly rude client, he told me I should just tell them to fuck off and hang up on them.  Uhm, no.  That’s not how it’s done in business.

 

Gah, today has gone from bad to worse.  Yeehaw.

 

P.S. Although all the above is true, I miss him and that’s just making it all worse (but probably just in my head)

Shuttle Service July 9, 2018

Oh hell. I owe a bunch of updates. Vacation ended. Sister came to town. Mr. OoT had his family reunion. Such a busy past 8 days. As I don’t want to spoil the fun filled suspense, I’ll meter out my updates. You’re welcome.

I got back from my Mexico vacay 10 days ago. Mr. OoT had promised to pick me up at the airport, 2 hours from his town, at 11:30pm. I was less than positive that he’d actually be there. I spent most of the last leg of my flight preparing myself for it and pep talking myself into not being mad/disappointed/sad when I walked past security to see a bunch of strangers. Much to my surprise delight, he was there!! And it was good to see him. Although I was still more than a bit pissed about the whole stranded on the side of a Mexican highway thing and his seeming lack of concern, I let it go. Kind of.

I did end up asking him about it and letting him know how disappointed I was. He explained his viewpoint. His completely fucked up and ridiculous interpretation of my text, but his reaction (or lack thereof) made sense. If you’re a moron. Or male. He thought, heaven knows why, that I was sitting in an air conditioned shuttle bus on the side of the road awaiting a new tire. Uhm, no. No, that’s not what happened at all. Anyway, and regardless of his ‘vision’, I explained that by his not checking in with me, it appeared as if he didn’t care. He responded, in the true spirit of maleness, that although he was concerned, there was nothing he could do to help and he didn’t think sending a ‘hope you’re not dead’ text would be helpful. Or appreciated. Couldn’t really argue with that.

He proceeded to stay for the next 2 nights at my house. And it was kinda awesome. I much prefer my house to his apartment (shhhhh, don’t tell). This was the 1st time he’d stayed over, much less come to my town, since date #1. I regaled him with all the awesomeness that is my town in the summer. The outdoor free concerts 3 times a week. The most amazing farmer’s market ever. The beautiful parks and ponds. I truly live in a killer town. He does not (again, shhhhhh). He drove back to his town late on a Friday afternoon only to turn back around the next day and come back to catch a comedy show. And meet my best friend. And my twin sister……..

Well That Sucked June 20, 2018

So as I was talking to Mr. OoT last night, the subject of one of my favorite snarky weekly specials came up. Think along the lines of Steven Colbert. Only better. And more snarky. And British. And somewhat brilliant. I had spoken to Mr. OoT about this particular show MANY times. And by many, I mean no less than 5. I even sent him links. Anywhoo, I mention him last night and Mr. OoT says, completely obliviously, ‘who is that? you’ve never mentioned him before.” And I lost it.

Do you have ANY idea exactly how frustrating it is for someone that you’re involved with to remember pretty much NOTHING that you say? Let me tell you, it sucks. I don’t think he does it on purpose. I do think he might be partially brain dead. Okay, not really, but for fuck’s sake, write it down! All my good intentions of waiting until I see him to discuss our communication issues (of which he thinks there are none) flew out of the window. I wasn’t mad or hysterical or any of my awesome non self controlled versions. I just explained how FUCKING annoying it is for him to never remember. His favorite line is to ask for more examples than that one that started this. Then he says he didn’t realize that this particular show was so important to me. Completely missing the point of the discussion.

Earlier in the conversation we had been talking about scuba diving. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘he’. I had explained to him in the past that while I’m happy to be on the boat with him, I will not be getting in the water. That I am actually afraid to be in deep water. That I’m not the best swimmer and that not being able to see the bottom of ANY body of water is a no go for me (yup, even those creepy black bottom pools are out for me). Anywhoo, as he’s waxing poetic about how much I’m going to like scuba diving (what the fuck?), I clam up. This, my friends, is my new non-patented move when I am trying not to be a raging bitch with my response. I tell him that I won’t be enjoying scuba diving and he asks why. Honest to god. I tell him, for probably the 3rd time, my reason why and he says ‘oh, you’ve never mentioned that before. you’ve only said that you refused to go, but never given a reason why’. Uhm, no. That’s not what has happened. Ever.

I asked him if he thought we had difficulty communicating over the phone and he says, completely sincerely. That yes, he thinks we do because I NEVER SAY ANYTHING and that he knows nothing about me. Uhm……… We spoke a bit more and I flat out told him that we need to improve our communication. That he needs to figure out how the hell to retain information. It wasn’t the most productive conversation ever, but then again, he’ll probably not remember any of it anyways.

This, my friends, is why drugs are bad. VERY, VERY BAD.

I am off to Mexico for a week and think it’s good timing. Mr. OoT gets back from his 2 week work stint away tomorrow and gets to sit and miss me. And hopefully remember anything that we’ve ever talked about. How the hell can we be so good in person and so ridiculously bad when not? I’m not sure we’ll be able to figure it out. And this, despite everything I’ve bitched about, makes me incredibly sad.

Oh, and I got a text from Tinder guy last night. I opted not to respond …….

Timing June 18, 2018

Let’s see, I get to see Mr. OoT in 12 days (9 days now that I’ve sat on this post for a few days).  I get to leave for a short vacation in just 4 days.  Uhm, you do the math.  Vacation wins!  The things that I want/need to talk to Mr. OoT about are sort of stacking up.  If he picks me up at the airport, he will spend the night and head home the next day as his kids are in town so he doesn’t want to miss out on daddy time with them.  Totally get that.  The next time I see him after that will be on the 30th, when he comes to my town, with said kids to see a comedy show.  The next time after that will be 3 days later when I come to his town.  For his extended family reunion.  Uhm, when do I think I’m going to be able to talk to him about my concerns?

 

Not the night he picks me up from the airport.  It will be uber late and, on the off chance that I don’t fall asleep, I forsee very little talking going on.  Well, there will be talking, but it will mostly be dirty.  😉 I can’t talk to him when he’s here with his kids for the show.  I also can’t really talk to him when he’s with his entire family.  Super.  After the family reunion he will be leaving for another 2 weeks.  I need to bite the bullet and pick a time.  I can’t keep just adding to the list.  It’s not fair to either of us.  I get annoyed that things aren’t changing, but he has no idea that I’m annoyed in the first place, so also has no idea of my displeasure or desire for things to change.

 

He keeps offering to help me with different things and saying that he wishes he was around more.  All I think about it when are we going to have a chance to talk seriously in person.  This relationship stuff is hard.  I probably make it harder than it needs to be.

Does Not Remembering Really Mean It Didn’t Happen? June 15, 2018

In true to “I’m a guy” form, I heard from Mr. OoT the next morning after his curt ‘goodnight’ mid Hairdresser discussion as if everything was hunky dory and nothing had happened. Not sure why he does this. Not sure why I allow it to happen. There’s nothing more frustrating than leaving a discussion unresolved. At least for me. For him, it apparently never even happened. Must be nice…..

I’m annoyed right now. I DO like him. He’s kind and generous and funny and smart and has a really good heart buried under all his bullshit. He makes me feel pretty and special and talks of the future. He also has a pretty pronounced misogynistic side to him. Maybe misogyny is too strong a word; selfish? Self absorbed? Although he has told me 3 times now how closed minded I am (always, btw, in regards to his f*ing love of weed), it is actually he who is unable to see things from a different point of view. His interests come first. Although he will ask me what I want to do, watch on tv, eat, whatever, he always defaults to what he wants. He assumes everyone views the world (or should) as he does. For a smart man, he’s kinda dumb in this regard.

I’m feeling kinda disconnected at the moment. We all know that when I don’t feel connected, I get bored. And my mind wanders. Part of the fun of being in a long distance relationship with someone who apparently is incapable of having a serious discussion over the phone is that nothing gets resolved. By fun, I of course mean bullshit. Everything gets left for in person discussions. This takes away from our ‘us’ time and puts a damper on the whole thing, so I usually just let things go. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword. Apparently he’s fine with never getting anything resolved (bonus for him to never be called out on his bullshit). Not so great for me.

He’s mid 2-week stint right now. He will be back in town next Thursday. I leave town for a week on Wednesday. That means 2 more weeks before I see him again. We haven’t spoken much in the past few days. Him because he’s exhausted, me because I’m annoyed. How do we resolve something that one of us doesn’t even view as a problem? I’ve mentioned before about his horrific memory. I attribute that to his misogyny as well. If it doesn’t interest him or he doesn’t view it as important, it doesn’t get remembered. Being able to count on someone is a big thing for me. I don’t know that I can count on him. This is a man who only eats once a day and who I have to remind that I get hungry and need to be fed more than that. It’s kind of weird. And annoying. He’s the least self-aware person that I know. I am one of the most. It boggles my mind that someone so seemingly smart not only doesn’t own their shit, but doesn’t even realize that they have shit to own.

Anywhoo, back to not being able to count on him in the simplest of examples. I fly back into town on the 27th. He has offered to drive the 2 hours from his town to pick me up at the airport and then stay the night at my place. He has also told me that I will need to remind him. What the fuck? Write it down for shit’s sake. I think he’ll forget. I actually plan on him forgetting so instead of ubering to the airport and being assured that he’ll be there, a week later, to pick me up with open arms and a bouquet of flowers (ha), I am driving myself so that my car will be there for when he doesn’t show. Am I being too hard on him? Maybe. Am I expecting too much? Possibly. Has his past non efforts at follow through given me reason to be dubious? Hell yes they have. Not sure what to do. This is not a good week. Boo.

We are pretty great in person. Long distance, not so much …….