43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Well That Sucked June 20, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,mexico,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,vacation — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:38 am

So as I was talking to Mr. OoT last night, the subject of one of my favorite snarky weekly specials came up. Think along the lines of Steven Colbert. Only better. And more snarky. And British. And somewhat brilliant. I had spoken to Mr. OoT about this particular show MANY times. And by many, I mean no less than 5. I even sent him links. Anywhoo, I mention him last night and Mr. OoT says, completely obliviously, ‘who is that? you’ve never mentioned him before.” And I lost it.

Do you have ANY idea exactly how frustrating it is for someone that you’re involved with to remember pretty much NOTHING that you say? Let me tell you, it sucks. I don’t think he does it on purpose. I do think he might be partially brain dead. Okay, not really, but for fuck’s sake, write it down! All my good intentions of waiting until I see him to discuss our communication issues (of which he thinks there are none) flew out of the window. I wasn’t mad or hysterical or any of my awesome non self controlled versions. I just explained how FUCKING annoying it is for him to never remember. His favorite line is to ask for more examples than that one that started this. Then he says he didn’t realize that this particular show was so important to me. Completely missing the point of the discussion.

Earlier in the conversation we had been talking about scuba diving. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘he’. I had explained to him in the past that while I’m happy to be on the boat with him, I will not be getting in the water. That I am actually afraid to be in deep water. That I’m not the best swimmer and that not being able to see the bottom of ANY body of water is a no go for me (yup, even those creepy black bottom pools are out for me). Anywhoo, as he’s waxing poetic about how much I’m going to like scuba diving (what the fuck?), I clam up. This, my friends, is my new non-patented move when I am trying not to be a raging bitch with my response. I tell him that I won’t be enjoying scuba diving and he asks why. Honest to god. I tell him, for probably the 3rd time, my reason why and he says ‘oh, you’ve never mentioned that before. you’ve only said that you refused to go, but never given a reason why’. Uhm, no. That’s not what has happened. Ever.

I asked him if he thought we had difficulty communicating over the phone and he says, completely sincerely. That yes, he thinks we do because I NEVER SAY ANYTHING and that he knows nothing about me. Uhm……… We spoke a bit more and I flat out told him that we need to improve our communication. That he needs to figure out how the hell to retain information. It wasn’t the most productive conversation ever, but then again, he’ll probably not remember any of it anyways.

This, my friends, is why drugs are bad. VERY, VERY BAD.

I am off to Mexico for a week and think it’s good timing. Mr. OoT gets back from his 2 week work stint away tomorrow and gets to sit and miss me. And hopefully remember anything that we’ve ever talked about. How the hell can we be so good in person and so ridiculously bad when not? I’m not sure we’ll be able to figure it out. And this, despite everything I’ve bitched about, makes me incredibly sad.

Oh, and I got a text from Tinder guy last night. I opted not to respond …….


Well Shit June 19, 2018

Filed under: dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:47 am

No, literally.  As I’m certain you’re all tired of hearing me hem and haw about all the things that I need to talk to Mr. OoT about, I’m taking a break from that today and bringing up something much more important.  MUCH more.  It’s a problem I’ve had for as long as I can remember.  I’ve dragged it from relationship to relationship.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I need some advice.


As far as anyone I’ve ever ‘overnighted’ with knows, I don’t poop.  Ever.  How frikken’ embarrassing!  Seriously.  I go to great lengths not to go number 2 around anyone I’ve dated.  I stayed at TD’s summer house with him for an entire week and never once pooped in the townhouse.  I would always (ALWAYS) go to the clubhouse.  Do you know how difficult it is to keep having to come up for reasons to ‘take a walk’?


Same issue with Mr. OoT.  For all the 3 and 4 day weekends that we have spent together at his place, I have yet to poop there.  Luckily, he has a park right down the street that I can ‘take my dog for a walk’ and go visit.  It’s the most ludicrous thing in the universe.  Everyone poops.  It’s a natural body function.  I just find it exceptionally embarrassing and just won’t.


When is the appropriate time to give up the poop free act and actually befoul a man’s bathroom?


Timing June 18, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,mexico,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 12:53 pm

Let’s see, I get to see Mr. OoT in 12 days (9 days now that I’ve sat on this post for a few days).  I get to leave for a short vacation in just 4 days.  Uhm, you do the math.  Vacation wins!  The things that I want/need to talk to Mr. OoT about are sort of stacking up.  If he picks me up at the airport, he will spend the night and head home the next day as his kids are in town so he doesn’t want to miss out on daddy time with them.  Totally get that.  The next time I see him after that will be on the 30th, when he comes to my town, with said kids to see a comedy show.  The next time after that will be 3 days later when I come to his town.  For his extended family reunion.  Uhm, when do I think I’m going to be able to talk to him about my concerns?


Not the night he picks me up from the airport.  It will be uber late and, on the off chance that I don’t fall asleep, I forsee very little talking going on.  Well, there will be talking, but it will mostly be dirty.  😉 I can’t talk to him when he’s here with his kids for the show.  I also can’t really talk to him when he’s with his entire family.  Super.  After the family reunion he will be leaving for another 2 weeks.  I need to bite the bullet and pick a time.  I can’t keep just adding to the list.  It’s not fair to either of us.  I get annoyed that things aren’t changing, but he has no idea that I’m annoyed in the first place, so also has no idea of my displeasure or desire for things to change.


He keeps offering to help me with different things and saying that he wishes he was around more.  All I think about it when are we going to have a chance to talk seriously in person.  This relationship stuff is hard.  I probably make it harder than it needs to be.


We Should All Be Bald June 12, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:08 pm

Well, everyone but me.  I can’t even pull off short hair, so I shudder to think what I’d look like with NO hair.  My thinking behind this is that if we were all bald, there would be no need for hairdressers.  No disrespect meant to the hairdressers of the world, of course.  There is just  one in particular that I could do without though.


So the ‘go ahead and ignore the letter I wrote you’ text that The Hairdresser sent Mr. OoT that last weekend should garner Mr. OoT an Academy Award.  He acted so befuddled.  He was convinced that she was texting the wrong person and that it wasn’t actually him she was thinking she was texting.  Ha fucking ha.  It was.  And he knew it.


Let’s be clear.  I have trust issues.  Almost every man I’ve been involved with has either lied to me or cheated on me.  I think I’m allowed a bit of cynicism at this point.  Let’s be clear on something else.  IF Mr. OoT did, in fact, hook up with The Hairdresser, that’s one thing.  IF Mr. OoT did, in fact hook up with The Hairdresser and is lying to me about not doing it, that’s a whole other ball game.


We were not ‘official’ until a couple of weeks ago.  Oh wait, did I forget to tell you all that?  Yes, I’m apparently now going steady.  Just me, my dog, my trust issues, Mr. OoT, his weed, his lies and his amazing hands.  Go me.  Anywhoo, he was well within his right to hook up with whomever he wanted.  Sure, I wouldn’t be thrilled about it, but it wasn’t (and isn’t) my place to say.  So back to that letter.  It arrived.  When Mr. OoT told me about it, my first question was ‘how the hell does she know your address?’  And he says that he must have given it to her.  I then point out that that’s weird and no one actually gives out addresses to someone they supposedly only saw twice unless she was coming over.  He says it’s not weird and that everyone does it.  Uhm, no.  No they don’t.  So the conversation goes on and he flat out denies ever hooking up with her.  That she has ever been to his place.  Then he says he has no idea how she got his address.  Wait.  You just said that you gave it to her and that it’s a completely normal thing to do.  Yeah.  Great.  I don’t think he fully realizes that I’m smarter than he is (sorry, but it’s true) and I remember details and conversations.  I realize when someone is contradicting themselves (doesn’t really take a rocket scientist this time, now does it).


As soon as he realized what was happening, he flipped everything and started asking me what I was doing.  Why I was grilling him.  Why I was trying to create issues.  I told him that I was only trying to get clarity on something that had been bothering me.  He said the conversation was going to shit and that he was hanging up.  Nice.  Like trying to have a conversation with a 12 year old who has just realized that he’s wrong.  And tripping over his own lies.


So here’s a little list that I’ve compiled (yey! a list!) of my reasons behind believing he DID hook up with her.  Again, it’s not the actual hookup, it’s the lying about it.

1) He deleted the 1st text she sent him when I was there.  I’m guessing it started either with a term of endearment or had some other incriminating content.

2) He admitted that she had sent him photos.  He claims they were only of her legs, but I doubt it.  Mr. OoT is a HUGE fan of pics and is very open and annoying about asking for them.  Always.

3) She knew his address

4) If they really only went out twice, like he claims, and never even kissed, why the hell is she writing him a letter?

5) One of her text messages asked ‘do I have anything to worry about’.  I completely take this to mean that they slept together and someone didn’t use protection.

6) I found a tube of flourescent green body paint on his windowsill last time I was there that I don’t think has been there always.  He said it was from his ex girlfriend.  From 6 months ago.

7) He did admit that they had been texting.  All since deleted.

8) When she cut his hair 2 weeks ago and hit on him, he gave the excuse of being busy instead of telling her he was seeing someone.  When I asked why he didn’t just tell her, he said that he wasn’t sure that I’d want to be exclusive.  (dumb fucker was apparently not wanting to burn that bridge ‘just in case’?)

I can’t get him to understand that it’s the dishonesty and not the actual hookup that I’m annoyed with.  His argument is ‘do you really think we still have something going on?’  Well no, of course I don’t.  I know he is SUPER into me.  I know he probably thinks that if I find out now that he did hookup with her and didn’t tell me, that I will leave.  That how on earth can he confess now that he’s already denied it all?


Let me say this again for the cheap seats: I HATE BEING LIED TO.  How am I not to assume that if you lie to me about one thing, that you aren’t lying to me about everything?  I know I need to let it go.  He texted this morning like nothing happened.  I haven’t brought it up again.  He doesn’t realize that without getting this settled, that The Hairdresser will now always sit in the back of my mind and cause me to question what he tells me in the future.  Since he completely shuts down when he feels he’s ‘losing’, it’s impossible to talk to him about anything that might upset him.  This is a huge concern to me as well.  We are, for all intents and purposes, in a long distance relationship.  If I can’t talk to him about anything that might make him uncomfortable, how is this going to work?


All this being said, he is a good guy.  He has a good heart.  He’s very kind and generous to and with me.  Does one potential lie about a hookup prior to us declaring exclusivity cancel all of this out?  I don’t know.  Dammit.



Feral Cats June 4, 2018

Filed under: dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:01 am

I can’t believe I was only with Mr. OoT for 2 days over the weekend.  SO MUCH happened.  Not all of it good.  When I had left to see him on Friday, I was concerned that he was trying to fast track everything.  He’s overly effusive in how he feels about me (mixed with an awesome and very funny dash of direct hits on my bullshit) and I was worried that he was already planning our wedding.  Thankfully I was wrong.  One of the best things about Mr. OoT is that we can talk.  About anything.  And we usually do.  One of the worst things about him (besides his HORRIBLE memory and love of psychadelics) is that he’s a complete hottie.  No, really.  While he’s a damn pleasure to look at, this also means that he’s a hot property in town.  As in women are constantly throwing themselves at him (heretofore known as ‘throwing their cat at him’…..think about it)


Mr. OoT got a haircut on Tuesday.  Remember The Hairdresser?  Yeah, he went to her.  I had told him that I was okay with it.  It was just a haircut after all, right?  Little did I know ……. anyway, she apparently hit on him the entire time.  He, in his desire to be Mr. Nice Guy and apparently emulate TD to a fucking T, didn’t just tell her that he was seeing someone or not interested.  He didn’t want to hurt her feelings.  He just told her he was ‘busy’ when she asked him out.  She then asked him out for 2 weeks from now when he gets back from his work trip.  Again, he said he was busy.  And that was that.  Or he thought.


As he was telling  me about the haircut and cat throwing and thinking it was a done deal, I assured him that he would be hearing from her again.  Like a fucking alert went off in the universe, he received a text message from her within 60 seconds of me saying that.  Although I asked to see the text and asked him what it said, he deleted it.  Uhm, what the fuck?  Of course that sent huge red flags off in my head.  Why would he do that unless he had something to hide?  I told him as much and that it was a stupid thing to do as now I was pretty sure there was something incriminating in it that he didn’t want me to see.  he assured me there wasn’t.  He was pissed that she texted him.   He sent back that he ‘liked someone else’.  A complete teenage response if you ask me, but whatever.  What ensued was at least 5 more text messages from her.  About how much she likes him.  About a letter that she wrote him (what the fuck? how does she know where he lives?)


It was actually weird.  The messages made no sense (he let me see the ones after the 1st).  Mr. OoT was convinced that she had him mixed up with someone else and was texting the wrong person.  I, of course, was convinced that he was lying to me.  I asked him directly if he had slept with her.  If she had ever been to his place.  If he had seen her more than for those 2 dates and the latest haircut.  He swore up and down that none of it was true.  He kept saying how upset he was that ‘someone he didn’t care about was screwing up something with someone that he cared deeply about’.  A sweet comment if I wasn’t so fucking pissed and distrustful.


Damn if this didn’t hit me in every single one of my insecurities.  I had exactly 2 choices.  Either believe him and let it go, or believe that he was lying to me.  Super.  I have no reason to think that he’s lying to me.  I have to trust him on this.  After ignoring her subsequent messages, he finally sent back for her not to text him again and that he was dating someone else so wasn’t interested.  He then proceeded to make sure I was ‘okay’ the rest of the day……


I sure as shit hope I chose correctly.


Team Lineup June 1, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,single,texting — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:30 am

So while with Mr. OoT last weekend, he kept trying to aim the conversation towards long term, forevers and future plans.  Not sure why this freaks me out, but I successfully (or so I thought), re-targeted these attempts.  When I was joking about his putting me into the ‘heavy rotation’ for his online dating lineup, he looked me square in the eyes and said ‘you’re not in the lineup, you’re the whole team baby’.  SO sweet.


I like where we’re at.  I like what we have going.  We’ve really only spent 4 weekends together at this point.  Granted, this totals about 14 days of 24/7, but it’s still new.  I’ve mentioned before that Mr. OoT is ALL IN.  He is.  While I’m optimistic and wanting to ‘see where things go’, he seems to want to force things along while I know that we still have some things to figure out.  He sent me a text the other night telling me how awesome, beautiful and amazing he thought I was.  He then asked if I would mind if he told people that I was his girlfriend.  Call me a moron (like you already don’t), but when I said I didn’t mind, I didn’t realize that I was locking shit down and throwing my hat in the ring for forever.  I truly thought it would just be a word.  For him.  I describe Mr. OoT as ‘the man I’m dating’.  A matter of phonetics, to be sure, but apparently more than that.


Mr. OoT ‘took a trip’ with his brother yesterday.  Pretty sure I’ve mentioned his love of the psychedelic world.  I am so NOT a fan.  While he preaches the benefits of being able to expand his mind, I know that I am able to do that on my own.  I have no desire to try his version.  Anyway, he sends me a text during his ‘trip’ that says “do you want to us with me”.  Uhm, really?  I sent back a nice ‘I like you very much and am enjoying seeing where this is going”.  He then wanted to talk.  About us.  God dammit, why does he have to define this right now? And no, the irony of this situation is not lost on me.


While not agreeinng to everything, I seem to have agreed with his ideal that we’re going to last forever and that I’m the love of his life.  Guessing he has assumed that means that he’s the love of mine.  Uhm…….I’m freaking out more than just a little.  He now refers to me as darling and himself as my devoted boyfriend.  It completely weirds me out.  He has obviously been spending a lot of time thinking about this.  Guess I should have concentrated my efforts last weekend more on paying attention than trying to get him to wear cargo shorts over jean shorts……..


Drawers, Speeding Tickets, Parents & Time Lapses May 30, 2018

So I got the drawer.  He was uber cute about it.  To me, it’s just a drawer.  To him, it’s more of symbolic letterman’s jacket.  He’s admitted that he’s the ‘girl’ in the relationship and worries all the time about what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling, if I’m tired of him yet, etc….. Kinda endearing.  And kinda nice for me not to be the more neurotic of the two.  Kinda freaks me out though that he’s seemingly trying to fast forward whatever it is we have going on (more to come on this in another post as this one is already hodge podgey enough)


I met his parents this weekend.  Completely unplanned.  They invited us over for a BBQ on Monday.  Mr. OoT HATES his mother.  Apparently she was a horrible, horrible mom.  He’s not the only sibling to feel this way.  He refers to his mom as ‘his dad’s wife’ or the antichrist.  My mom was less than stellar so I get it.  He has nothing good to say about her.  I feel bad.  He loves his dad dearly though, so it’s a bit of a trade-off.  He warned me that his mom is passive aggressive and a bit of a hoarder.  She was actually fine.  A bit neurotic and awkward, but fine.  Even Mr. OoT said that she ‘kept her crazy tucked away pretty well.”  Anywhoo, I’m sure they loved me.  Everyone does.  HA!  I guess I’ll wait to hear what the report comes in as.  I think his hatred of his mom takes up a lot of space in his already overly crammed, never silent mind, so it would be great if he could find some sort of a middle ground.


Mr. OoT and I went to a hot springs on Monday evening.  It was okay.  I had grand ideas of how amazing sexy time would be in a private hot springs room.  Huh, not so much.  Firstly, trying to have sex in the water is a bit of a challenge (for many reasons).  Secondly, I guess I wanted the water temp a bit too high for my delicate flower of a man, so he was feeling a bit woozy.  He was SOOOO embarrassed.  I almost felt like shit.  Almost.  Oh well.


On the way back to his apartment, I was rewarded with a police car siren and flashing lights in my rear-view mirror.  Super, you can never have enough speeding tickets, right?  To be clear, I WAS speeding.  I usually do.  I like to get to where I’m going.  To also be clear, Mr. OoT HATES cops.  Probably as much as he hates his mother.  I could tell that he was getting all worked up, so I asked him to please not say anything when the policeman approached.  I was driving and it was my car after all.  The policeman came to the window and informed me that I was speeding.  I was polite and lied told him that I had my cruise control set at xx mph, so was confused.  Mr. OoT began to pop off and I had to shush him.  When the cop walked away to run my license, Mr. OoT began a litany of  reasons that cops suck.  I basically had to tell him to shut the fuck up; in a nice way, of course.  After the 3rd time of rewording my ‘shut the fuck up’, he finally did.  The cop let me off with a warning (to which I thanked him and Mr. OoT wasn’t happy that I did that) and we were on our merry way again.  It could have been worse.  I handled it well.  I was polite and respectful.  Mr. OoT was not.  I was pissed.  He could have gotten me (and himself) in a lot of trouble.  He is seemingly unable to harness his self righteous ideals about things when it comes to deciding the best way to handle a specific situation.  Concerning, to say the least.


All in all we had a fun 4 days.  I got home Tuesday morning.  It was a good time.  Although still being the flakey, bad memory having, peter pan (ish) guy that he always was, he’s also super sweet to me.  Stay tuned for the ‘fast forward’ and my impending (or not) freak out …………….