The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

The Text April 25, 2018

While I was obsessing over Mr. OoT not responding to a text I had sent last night, I received a text! What do you know?! Oh wait, not from him. From a number that was no longer stored in my phone. From a number that I didn’t recognize with the message of ‘Wow, it’s been a really long time; almost a year. I was just thinking about you. If you don’t respond, I will understand and not contact you again’. Huh. No clue who it was from. No clue if it was someone I’d be happy to hear from or not. The fact that I had deleted their existence frim my phone did not bode well for them. I googled the phone number and came up with his web page. Huh. Interesting. Totally remember him and totally remember why I deleted him from my phone. I responded back and we ‘chatted’ for a bit. He was sweet and funny and complimentary (all MUCH needed yesterday). I told him I’d moved. I also explained that he was, indirectly, one of the reasons that I moved away. That the way I was approaching relationships was a bit fucked up (and still is, apparently). He apologized for being a flake and an asshole to me. I told him that he was forgiven. Life is just too damn short to hold grudges. He wants to see me. He asked that I please let him know next time that I’m in town. Who knows…… What could it hurt? Ha! Famous last words. As I have no plans to be back in his town until the fall, it’s sort of a non issue.

Nope, it wasn’t TD. It was Repo Man

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Weekend Update April 23, 2018

One of my favorite gluttons for punishment readers, who has been with me since the amazingly icky TD days and has yet to tell me to piss off or thrown her smart phone out the window upon reading about yet another insane recap of my bad behavior contacted me this morning in search of an update on my weekend.  She gets to peek ‘behind the curtain’ at the ‘real’ Grey as, although we have never met in person, we are friends on FB.  And she still chooses to read my drivel!  And, just for the record, I am more ‘real’ on here than I ever would be on Facebook (the root of all evil).

 

I felt bad letting her know that my weekend with Mr. OoT isn’t until this coming weekend, not this past weekend.  Oh boo.  I do need to update on some things though.  Mr. OoT and I have been talking and texting since D Day.  I’ve not brought up anything about ‘us’ and we just exchange nonsense and U Tube music videos.  I decided to just swallow what’s left of my pride last night and just ask him.  I had already decided that I would NOT be trying to ‘sell’ myself to him.  That if he couldn’t figure it out on his own, then screw him.  Or not, as the case may be.  Our phone conversations are usually pretty distant and disconnected since ‘that day’.  Last night though, I had mentioned something that needed fixing at my house that I couldn’t figure out and he offered to come fix it for me.  From 2 hours away.  Interesting.  I had to re-ask him and he was all ‘of course I would’.  Uhm……

 

So, as we haven’t spent any time together in the past 3 weeks and our relationship has both evolved and devolved via phone, I was still unsure about what I actually wanted from him.  He, apparently, kind of feels the same way.  I asked him if he was back online.  He is.  I am not.  I asked him if he was completely closed off to the idea of ‘us’.  He is not.  HOWEVER, he wants to date around.  *sigh* Fucking Karma ….. I do not necessarily see that as a bad thing though.  While I don’t have much desire to sit across from yet another lame online coffee date, he does.  I can’t really fault him for that.

 

We talked at length.  I apologized for flip flopping on him about what I wanted.  I acknowledged that wasn’t very nice of me and must have left him pretty damn unsure about where he stood with me.  He apologized for making assumptions about me that aren’t accurate.  He completely rescinded the ‘unwavering’ or whatever the hell he called me.  He completely left it up to me on whether I would be okay with this or not.  I honestly have no idea how I feel about this, but told him that I would try my best and we could talk more when I come up there.  I know how my mind works and am not sure I will be able to keep my inner mean girl at bay.  The 1st time I call him and go to VM, my mind will start spinning.  I do think it’s only fair though.  I don’t know what I want from him at this point.  I do know that I at least want a chance to find out.  He is terrified of being in a relationship right now or making the wrong choice and getting hurt.  While I’m disappointed that he already went back online before seeing me, I can’t say that I’m surprised.  I did tell him that I think we have fun & adventures to be had.  He is still convinced that I am too good for him and will find someone way before he does.  I told him that it wasn’t a race and that I don’t know why he keeps discounting the fact that I have CHOSEN to take a chance on him.

 

Anyway, as of now I am planning on going up there on Friday for the weekend.  As a 3 day, 24 hour a day, 2nd date might be a lot to handle (for both of us), I have opted to get a hotel room.  He doesn’t know this.  I may or may not use it.  I just thought it was the best thing to do.  Oh, and best part of all this (by best, I of course mean worse)?  There will be no sex.  He doesn’t want to sleep around.  He wants to wait until he decides ‘who’ will be the lucky recipient of his penis.  Again, while I can understand the logic behind this, I do think I deserve 1st dibs.  It’s been a month.  We have insane chemistry.  I think it just prudent to test drive the goods before making any decisions.  He is pretty adamant about his new vow of celibacy.  I am pretty adamant on making him break that vow.  I may have to pull out the big guns ………..

 

** for those of you (you know who you are), who have stuck with me since the TD days, this whole concept of backtracking and dating around will sound familiar.  And a recipe for disaster.  I do think this is different.  I was 300% certain about TD.  We all know that I’m not 300% certain about anything these days……

 

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Oh Universe, You Make Me Laugh….. January 30, 2017

Wasn’t sure which title to use:  When it rains it pours?  It’s raining men?  All or nothing?  Regardless of what the title is, the subject matter remains the same.  While the universe seems to be smiling on me for a change, it still likes to give me a little poke and test me.  I should be used to it by now.  And this time, darn it, I will prevail….

So I met that very nice man the other night when I was out with friends.  He took my number and being the oh so positive rendition of myself that I am this year, I hope know he will call.

I have a date set up with the one with no name for Thursday.  Although I’m not overly excited about it, I did look back on our Bumble conversations and although his usual ‘hi’ text messages of late leave much to be desired, he was witty and conversational towards the beginning.  Maybe he’s just waiting to meet to bring that side back out again.

I got a text last night from Repo Man.  He asked me out.  Finally.  Although I have been looking forward to this for months (3, to be exact), I find that I am now nervous.  Lovely.  I’ll pull it together of course before next weekend.  I made sure that he had no 3rd dates with anyone scheduled before our date as I’d actually like for us to meet this time.  I think he’s a terrific guy and I am excited to meet him.  I do need to put my overthinking self away for a bit though as I am already assuming he is lining up multiple dates for next week and I am just one in the crowd.  Like last time.  I will do my best to realize that it doesn’t matter how many women he meets; that if I’m the right one, none of the others will matter.  I do think he was texting with someone else at the same time that we were however.  Not a big fan, but then again, not my business.  Yet.

To round out my week, yesterday was one of TD’s son’s birthdays.  I saw a picture posted on the root of all evil FB of the big, festive dinner that TD, his kids, his son’s friends and the closet dwelling lunch lady were included in.  I have he and his nutbag fiance blocked on FB, but as they weren’t tagged in the photos and I am friends with his kids, it showed up on my timeline.  Thank you FB.  It looked like a fun time and for a split second I though ‘I should be there’.  Then I got over it.  Instead I took note of the fact that the closet dwelling lunch lady still has the most hideous hair ever, that TD looked liked like he has gained weight and that my stomach did not drop when I saw the photo as it has done in years gone by.  I’ll call that a win, thank you very much!

So although the universe has the dating gods finally throwing me a bone, did they have to throw 3 in the same week?

 

FB Strikes Again December 4, 2016

Filed under: bad dates,dating,internet dating,online dating,single,TD — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:38 am
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Well, not that I actually saw anything on FB, but someone who didn’t want me to be blindsided sent it to me.  There’s no way I could have seen it as I have just about everyone connected to him blocked.  Including him.  Once it’s made ‘Facebook Official’, it’s real, right?

TD and the Lunch Lady are engaged.  I honestly am not sure how I feel about this.  Aside from running into him at his daughter’s event a couple months ago for the most awkward 15 minutes of my life and his sending me some random text out of the blue about 6 months ago offering to do a vacation home swap (no clue if I even wrote about that but it was the weirdest thing ever) I haven’t spoken to him in probably 2 years.

As I’m still close to his kids, and his son’s girlfriend totally ‘get’s it’ and sees through all the misinformation that TD spreads, I seem to know a lot of what still happens in that family.  Yey me.  I guess I’m just trying to process this.  He used to tell me that the Lunch Lady was like a sad puppy dog that wouldn’t go away.  That he didn’t particularly care for her kids. That he felt sorry for her.  That he didn’t find her particularly attractive.  Then again, according to the message I got from one of his exes, he used to say that about me too.  I guess the difference is in knowing where you stand with someone and I never did.

He and the Lunch Lady dated for 2 years.  And then broke up for a year.  They have been back together only for a few months.  I guess she passed all the tests.  She never had to deal with the things that I did and always knew where she stood with him.  She is pure drama and he likes feeling like the hero.

I can’t help but wonder, and this is where everyone throws up their hands and screams at their phones/monitors, if I would have stuck it out, if it would have been me that he chose?  I wonder if she knows what he used to say about her?  I wonder if I hadn’t known what he used to say about me, if it would have been better?

Nah, being with him was destroying me.  Everything was a test.  Everything was a struggle.  Everything was a lie.  I always felt like I was the ‘backup plan’.  I probably was.  As was she.  He just ran out of options.  The Lunch Lady and I are polar opposites.  So this ends (for real) the TD saga.  I can’t honestly say if I still had ideas of him coming back to me after all this time or not.  I don’t think I did, but hearing this news did make my stomach sink a bit, so who knows.  Damn, emotions are strange.

I do wish them well.  No really.  Everyone deserves to be happy.  He just beat me to the punch……

Oh, and just to prove that FB is, in fact, the root of all evil, the ‘memory’ and associated photo that came up today was 5 years ago and of TD and I.  One of the best photos ever, might I add. 😉

 

Gardens, Bees & Graduations November 17, 2016

Filed under: bad dates,internet dating,online dating,single,TD — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:25 am
Tags: , , , , ,

I know it’s been a while when I can’t remember my password.  Or the name of my blog.  Or the fact that I’ve been at this for eons.  Early onset senility sucks.  I don’t recommend it.  Here’s a little catch up on what’s been going on in my world the past couple of months.  Try to contain your excitement…….

1) Ran into TD.  Yey me.  I went to his daughter’s presentation for a course she was taking.  It was mid day & mid week.  I hoped I’d get lucky in my timing as I was just going to pop by for a couple of minutes at the very beginning and then run for the hills.   As I stood speaking with his daughter I suddenly felt the atmospheric pressure plummet and see, out of the corner of my eye, that although there was an entire room to stand in, he parks himself right beside me.  Super.  Being the mature & evolved individual that I am, I act like I don’t see him and keep talking.  Taking the hint, he wanders off.  Oh wait, that’s not what happened at all.  He continued to stand there for a good 5 minutes never saying a word.  I finally turn to him and he says ‘oh, I had no idea it was you’.  *sigh*  Really?  Because there are so many 5’10” blondes that would  be speaking to your daughter at her graduation?  I suck it up and say hello.  And he proceeds to stand there not saying a word.  Yeah, we’re done here…..Thank goodness that wasn’t awkward at all *insert sarcasm here*

2) There’s a new dating app!  Well, it’s new to me at least.  It’s called Bumble and has a pretty cool premise.  You swipe left and right on profiles ala Tinder (without the implied sluttiness).  A right swipe means you likee.  A left swipe, well, not so much.  If the man has swiped right on you as well, then you get notified.  Now here’s the great part: it’s up to the woman to make the 1st move.  Guys cannot contact you 1st!  That’s right people, none of the lovely options from yester-year (the old men, young kids, santa look alikes an other unsavories) cannot contact me!  Better yet, the majority of the guys seem normal.  Ish.

In a highly unscientific mathematical algorithm ,  I would say I match with 50% of those I swipe right on.  Of that 50%, a good 85% of the ones that I choose to contact write back!  Of course there are still plenty of socially awkward and highly inappropriate men on there (that’s half the *ahem* fun of online dating, right?), but for the most part there are some normal ones too!  Oh, how my standards have plummeted.

Here’s a quick rundown of some gents that I owe you all (the 2 of you that have stuck with me through the years) an update on:

  1. Repo Man
  2. 007
  3. Tilted Kilt
  4. Mr. Polo (as in horse and mallet, not shirt)
  5. Car Salesman
  6. Assorted Men I’ve Seen On Every Other Site Who Are Still Using The Same Pic From 5 Years Ago

Well, that’s all I have time for right now!  I promise (well, as much as I hold to any promise regarding this blog) to try and do better.  I owe it to the 2 of you that actually still care. 😉 And I know you want to know if I’ve actually been on any dates with these gents.  Here’s a hint: I have!  Stay tuned……… xoxoxo

 

Facebook Reveals August 25, 2016

I always joke that I thought Facebook is the root of all evil.  Now I’m pretty certain that it IS!  Did you know that if someone who is NOT your friend sends you a message on there that it gets put in some top-secret hidden file and you never get a notification?  Neither did I.  Until last night when I happened upon it by accident.  I mean a serious accident, as today I can’t even remember how to get back to it.

Awaiting me inside this top-secret file were messages from people dating back 5 years!  WTF Facebook?! One of which, dated in 2012, was from an ex of TD.  You remember TD, right?  The man who I convinced myself was ‘my one’.  The one that convinced me that I was his ‘one’ for all of a week.  The one that lead me on for more than a year?  The one that inspired several years of self-doubt, angst, sadness, tears and more than any reader’s share of whiney, woe-is-me posts?  Yeah, that one.

So I find this message and know exactly who it’s from.  I read it.  It was lengthy and well thought out.  I believe it was written in the spirit of warning me and hoping that I wouldn’t put myself through what he put her through (when actually I put myself through years when she was smart enough to leave after 2 months).  It was detailed and full of fun facts.  Of course, by fun facts I mean really insulting and humiliating things that TD had told her (and presumably many others) about me.  How there was never anything romantic between us.  How he only kept me as a ‘friend’ because I was ‘needy’ and he felt bad telling me to go away.  How the summer he invited me to vacation for a week with his kids and he, that he really didn’t invite me, but I just sort of showed up last-minute (funny, that’s what he told me about her).  It illustrated his deceit and misogyny.  And sort of broke my heart all over again that he really did speak so disrepectfully and dishonestly about me.  Everything she told me ‘fit’.  I believe it all to be true.

I defended this man for years and made more excuses for him than anyone deserves.  It took me YEARS to get to where I am now regarding him (which still wasn’t 100% but was a shit-ton better than it was).  To read confirmation of some of my biggest fears regarding him was surreal.  To read it 4 years late was heartbreaking.  For me, my friends, you and basically anyone who had to deal with my incessant whining and descent into annoyance over the years.

Can you imagine where I’d be today if I had actually known about and read this message 4 years ago when it was written?!?!  How many years of self doubt, questioning, angst, sadness, neurosis and all around craptasticness could have been avoided?  Yeah, me either.

Fuck you Facebook.  Fuck you.

Oh, and fuck you too TD.  I hope karma kicks your ass!

 

 

Full Moons, New Moons and Teddy Bears February 19, 2015

Filed under: dating,dinner out,internet dating,online dating,TD — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:42 am

So last night was dinner with the girls.  Not MY girls, mind you, but TD’s daughter and her 2 best friends.  Who invited ME to dinner.  I thought we had agreed to just meet at the restaurant, but when I double checked, I was asked to pick them all up at TD’s house.  Er……….. okay.  It’s so very lame that I sit on the curb, in my car, and text that I’m there and to come out.  I wouldn’t appreciate that if it was done to me and although it’s not a proper date, I have always felt odd and fairly rude for doing so.  I decided, on the drive over to pick them up, that after a year of doing this, I would just go up to the front door and ring the bell like any civilized human being would do.  Even if TD was home.  Even if TD was home with ‘her’.  Chances were, he wouldn’t answer the door anyway and if he did, I would just say hello and if ‘she’ was there, I would introduce myself and be done with it.  The ridiculous amount of drama surrounding my mere existence is just stupid and I’d like to put an end to it.  As it turns out, I didn’t have to introduce myself to anyone as TD wasn’t home.

I walked into the kitchen and there the girls were waiting for me.  With a big ole’ box of truffles.  And a darling teddy bear.  And even a plant!  They were going to get me roses but had seen on FB (the root of all evil), that I had gotten roses for myself (’cause that’s just how I roll), so they got me this cool plant that matches the colors in my house and is supposedly (and hopefully) hard to kill.  How sweet is that?!  Totally unexpected and absolutely unnecessary, but very much appreciated.  We chatted for a bit and then off to dinner we went.

We sat and talked and laughed for 3 hours!  Some might find it odd that a 47 year old could even enjoy the company of 3 19 & 20 year olds for 3 hours (much less they enjoy mine), but I did.  And they did.  And when the check came, they practically wrestled me to the ground to pay.  I had always intended on paying for everyone.  The mere invitation alone was enough of a gift, but nope they insisted.  Such a great night!

As a lovely random weird uncomfortable interesting aside, we had switched tables twice in the bar (they like sitting in there, so who am I to argue) and we were joking about the tables we had yet to try out and all the empty bar stools left to sit on.  There were a few people at the bar; an older couple enjoying happy hour, a man in a red t shirt with his back to us about 2 feet away, a group of younger people.  You know, the random rockin’ happy hour crowd on a Wednesday evening at 6pm.  As we’re all chatting away we hear ‘huh, fancy meeting you all here’.  To look up and see ……………. TD.  He was the guy in the red t shirt sitting all of 2 feet from us for the last 20 minutes.  He didn’t see (or hear) us and we didn’t see him.  Even with the table switching and me getting up to get menus for everyone.  I walked past him 3 times and had no clue.  He chatted for a bit and we invited him to have a seat but he was on his way out.  Apparently he had forgotten that his daughter had told him we were going there for dinner.  Or not, who really knows.  He was wrapped up in paperwork of some kind so wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings (he did mention that the bartender knew exactly what he wanted to order before he sat down, so he’s obviously a regular (no judgment, just efficient I say) way to go Norm).  No hugs, no awkward silences, no stomach flips.  It’s been almost 6 months since I’ve seen him I think.  He looks good.  As always.  I looked okay myself.  When he was done chatting he said he needed to go and said goodbye to the girls.  And to me.  And then chucked me on the arm right before walking away.  Uhm, okay…. buddy…… way to end a non awkward moment a bit awkwardly.

 

What Not To Do The Day Before Valentine’s Day February 13, 2015

Filed under: dating,I suck,internet dating,online dating,single,TD — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:20 pm

How did I spend my Friday, you ask?  Oh, you didn’t?  Well too bad, I’m going to tell you anyways.  I made the rounds of old boyfriends and old, whatever the hell TD was categorized as.  Not my most brilliant move.  Didn’t even really occur to me today what I was doing until I found myself, sitting on my bed and staring at the ceiling feeling uber sorry for myself.

I went to see ex bf #1 for very valid reasons.  We are friends.  He was very sweet to me during the recovery from my horrendous surgery last year.  He watches my dogs for me.  I watch his.  We haven’t dated for probably 7 or 8 years, but we’re still in contact and that’s a-ok with his new live in love.  They are very happy together and I’m happy (ish) for them.  I went over today to check on him as he just went through something pretty difficult.  We chatted a bit, I dropped off some food for him.  He gave me some supplies for my dogs and that was that.  He’s on his way to happily ever after and I’m on my way to………..i don’t know. 😦

Next stop was to take TD’s kids’ Valentine’s Day presents.  Yes, I know, they’re too old for that, but it makes me happy to do it, so I do.  As TD had already announced that he was headed to Vegas today, I assumed he had already left when his son told me to come over any time before 3pm today.  So I did.  And I walked up and rang the front doorbell.  A seemingly innocuous thing, but something I haven’t done in over a year.  I usually wait in my car, on the curb, for the kids and text them to come out.  I don’t want to make TD feel uncomfortable (or myself), so I just never get out of my car.  Anyway, his son his son’s girlfriend greeted me and told me to come in as no one was home (TD or ‘her’) and so I did.  We sat in the kitchen and chatted, I looked at a calendar that TD’s daughter had ordered for him full of pictures from last year.  Sorry, full of pictures of he and ‘her’ from last year.  Yeah, that kinda hurt.  Anyway, as I was leaving I saw a suitcase in the hallway and asked what it was doing there.  Apparently TD hadn’t left for Vegas yet after all, but most likely went screaming out the door when he heard I was coming over.  I immediately felt totally uncomfortable and said I needed to go as I had assumed (yes, well aware of what they say about assuming and yes, I felt like a huge ass) TD was already gone.

Driving home it made me sad to realize that TD does that every time I’m coming to the house.  Even though I never get out of the car, he makes a point to not be there.  Whether he does that for his sake or mine, I don’t know.  Makes me feel like shit though.  I go out of my way to steer clear and not cause waves, yet I always seem to be accused of causing waves.  Anywhoo, as I was driving home, I imagined TD coming home and getting pissed that I was inside the house.  In order to try to avoid a nastygram coming my way (or at least that’s what I told myself), I sent a quick text saying that I was sorry I missed him at the house and to have a great weekend in Vegas.  To which I got no response.  Go figure.

So basically, as I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling and bemoaning my single status, I had to face the hard fact of the matter that despite all the mean hearted things he’s said to me over the past year (2 really), I still have some pretty big issues regarding him.  As in, I might want him back.  Not that I ever had him, mind you, but I want to try.  Again.  Feel free to virtually bitch slap me for just posting that.

Disclaimer: I know that although I may want to ‘see’ again, I’m not stupid enough to think that he does.  Despite it all though, I’m pretty damn sure that if both ‘she’ and I were trapped in a burning building and he could only save one of us, it would be me.  Just another delusion to add to the pile…….. I will continue to try and navigate the uber defeatest world of online dating and really try to figure out if it’s him that I really want back, or that I just want someone.  Not ‘anyone’, mind you, but ‘someone’.  Someone damn special……..

Don’t you just love when I get all introspective and pathetic?

 

Match.com & Finger Splints February 10, 2015

Filed under: bad dates,dating,interent dating,online dating,single,TD — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 11:31 am

For whatever reason (besides the fact that I’m 47 and never been married), most of my interest has come from OkStupid,  (hmmm, guess I should stop calling it that) and not from Match.  I have been contacted by a couple normal-ish seeming guys off of Match, so maybe it’s a less is more approach.  Who knows.  Anyway, along with this odd phenomenon is that neither guy, once they have obtained my phone number, have bothered to use it!  Kind of annoying.  Are they collectors?  Was there some freak accident in town where all men in possession of my phone number have suddenly lost use of their digits?  I’m a bit confused as to why someone would ask for a phone number and then seemingly change their mind.  And, before it’s suggested, I’ve googled my number before and there is nothing incriminating!

I did have a guy from OkStupid (maybe i’ll start calling it by it’s real name next week) ask for my number and then text me to ask my availability to meet up this week.  And never heard back.  Again, annoying beyond belief.

Here’s how it went:

Our last contact on the site was him asking my availability for this week and my telling him.  2 days later I got a text saying ‘Hi, it’s xxxxx from OkStupid, let me know when you’re available to meet for a drink’.  Uhm, didn’t I just tell you?  As I know men can be a bit ‘shiny ball syndrome-esque’, I let it go and sent back a cheery ‘Hi, xxxx, good to hear from you.  I’m free Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday as of now.  Let me know if any of these days work for you’.  To which I got in response……..crickets.  He never responded back.  WTF?  Does he have something against beginning of the week happy hours?  Did he drop his phone in the toilet?  Was his parole revoked?  Instead of wondering any longer, and as 4 days had already passed, I sent a quick follow up yesterday that went something like this:

“Hi xxx, I hope you had a great weekend.  I didn’t hear back from you so am left with 4 options: 1) you didn’t receive my text on Friday 2) you’re going for the record for longest response time 3) your wife came home from vacation early and frowns on you meeting women that you met online 4) you changed your mind.  Care to fill me in?”

#3 was my favorite.  I never really expected a response and didn’t much care anyway, and he didn’t disappoint on that front.  Nothing.  Why on earth do guys waste their own time, and mine, if they have no intention of following through?

Apparently I’ll be single for at least another week. 😉

Oh, and in other news, I heard from TD yesterday.  He wanted to update me on a health issue going on.  Thought that was nice of him.  Then he managed to fit in that he and horse-face were going to Vegas this weekend.  Uhm, thanks for that.  All I did was send back ‘have fun’ and then wonder what the hell ever happened to his sensitivity gene……

It was certainly a Monday……