Pierced Ears September 19, 2018

Mr OoT is away for 3 weeks again. It was only supposed to be 2 weeks, but they need him to stay an extra week. It’s the right thing for him to do. Of course, me being me, I’m bummed because he was going to come see me this weekend. Not happening.

 

We discussed my going to see him next weekend when he returns. That’s not happening either. I had a job come up and I can’t turn down the money or risk losing the client in the future. Boo.

 

Mr. OoT and I are headed for a week’s vacation in about 14 days. 7 days of being on the beach. 7 days in my happy place. Looks like we won’t see each other until then though.

 

We talk often. Like multiple times a day. And it’s not always me calling either. 😉 The conversations have been good, but just not the same as seeing someone in person. We both wish we could see each other more. It’s his fault we won’t see each other this weekend. It’s my fault we won’t see each other next weekend. It will be almost a full month by the time that we see each other again.

 

He says often that he wishes we could see each other more often. I agree. He threw in today that it’s like when you get your ears pierced. That if you don’t keep an earing in there, it starts to close up. That made me incredibly sad because it’s true. That’s exactly how our relationship is.

 

I thought we were doing better by talking so often. It is working on my end. While not optimal, speaking every day helps to keep me engaged and connected. Not sure it does for him.

 

His pierced ear comparison is dead on. If you don’t keep an earing in there, it closes up until you shove an earing in there again. 😦

Expectations, Reality & Plan B September 18, 2018

Expectations, to an extent, are a bad thing.  Standards are good things.  Those shouldn’t be lowered or *gasp* ignored.  Expectations, however, are a tricky thing.  You can’t expect people to act the way you want them to.  Everyone operates with their own set of ‘tools’.  Some people are, in fact, tools themselves.

 

Not sure if I ever mentioned that I actually met Repo Man when I was in my old hometown a few months ago.  He was sweet as can be.  He picked me up from the airport, took me out to lunch and then dropped me off where I needed to be.  We got along great.  He’s very cute.  In looks and personality.  He was sweet and nice and complimentary and smart and insightful.  I liked him.   Pretty sure he liked me too.  What a nice feeling.  When he dropped me off, he got out of his truck and handed me my suitcase.  And he kissed me.  Uhm….. While it wasn’t the worst thing in the universe, it was unexpected and as we’d had Mexican food for lunch it was a tad bit onion-y.  Weird.

 

Although I was seeing Mr. OoT at the time, I continued to communicate with Repo Man.  He was super flirty and kept suggesting that we have a do-over of the kiss.  He was seeing someone as well at the time.  I was very careful about how I responded.  I had a pretty good idea that he was ‘Plan B-ing’ me again.  You know, if the current girlfriend doesn’t work out, there I’d be.  He’d done it twice to me before.  I guess I was doing the same thing to him.  As we live in different states, I kind of considered it a non issue.

 

As it turns out, it WAS a non issue.  Although he was the one to always text me and while I was careful to never discuss Mr. OoT, he would usually mention his girlfriend and how he was pretty sure she wasn’t the one.  Yup, both times we were supposed to meet before he was dating someone else who wasn’t the one either.  As he apparently likes to cram square pegs into round holes (nope, not a euphemism), he would go silent when he decided to give these women ‘one more chance’.  Whatevs.

 

Needless to say, he went silent.  After an hour or so of texting one night, he opted to send me a photo of he and his current square peg.  Uh, thank you?  Weird.  I told him they made a cute couple.  I thought that was more polite than responding “why the fuck did you just send that to me?’  And that, my friends, brings to a close the latest chapter in Repo Man & Grey Goose a couple never meant to be.

 

 

Vacation, Car Rides & Realizations September 14, 2018

Without going into all the details, our time away was not all that I had hoped.  We were both at fault.  I tried telling him the 1st night that I felt that we weren’t connecting and that I was feeling completely distant.  That proved to be true and he was feeling the same way.  We still had an okay time (could I sound less enthused?) and had some amazing ‘bike rides’, but I was completely checked out and he was too.  It kind of sucked.  A lot.

 

On our drive back to his place on Friday, we broke up.  To be more precise, we both said completely shitty things to each other in nasty tones of voice.  In a car.  It was ridiculous.  I had gone into the weekend  prepared to end it.  Relationships shouldn’t be this difficult and I felt like I was doing all the work.  His bullshit and my bullshit just don’t mesh.  His non-negotiables are completely asinine to me.  Mine are equally as ridiculous to him.  We’re just different people and apparently we had both been waiting for the other to change.

 

He had been harboring a few things from over a month ago that he never told me about.  They’ve just been festering and growing in his head.  I’ve been resentful as hell about a lot of things.  We layed it ALL on the table and once we were done saying incredibly hurtful things to each other we talked.  We really talked.  We have had super long conversations in the past, but this time we went over everything.  As neither of us had anything to lose, why not?

 

As I’ve said before, his brain works in a completely different way than mine does.  I”m logical and usually have a memory like an elephant.  I never forget.  Unless, of course, my senility is kicking in that day/week/month in which case I can barely remember my own name.  He remembers things disjointedly (if at all).  He attributes things that I NEVER said to things I said.  He remembers conversations that were never had.  He projects things onto me that past girlfriends had done.  It’s weird.  I get it now though.  I see through his bullshit and realize that he is a self sabotager just like I am.  Dangerous combination.

 

He asked if we could be friends.  He promised he would be there for me if I ever needed him.  I said no.  I had no desire to be friends and I highly doubted if I could actually count on him for anything.  Apparently that hit the mark.  He proceeded to tell me things that I’ve been waiting to hear for months.  He shared a level of self-awareness that I had no clue he possessed.  We talked for hours.

 

I ended up staying the night instead of doing the additional 2 hour drive to my house after such an emotionally exhausting day.  He went over to a friend’s house who was going through a difficult time and I took Mr. OoT’s son out to dinner.  When he returned, there was no physical contact (my choice as I slept in my clothes).  We got a lot done the next morning.  More than we ever had before.  He woke up early and brought me coffee in bed.  We problem solved.  We ran errands.  We talked some more.  We laughed.  I left later that day and gave him a hug and said goodbye.

 

He showed up on my doorstep 2 days later.  To be more accurate, he showed up at a little pool party that I was at that I had mentioned in passing 3 days prior.  He met a couple of my friends.  It was a nice surprise.  I was happy to see him.  He helped me at my house with all the things that he has been promising to help me with for months.  The sheer fact that he actually drove the 2 hours to come see me, after my telling him how hurtful it was that he never wanted to do the drive and was only seemingly happy to spend time with me when I uprooted my life and went to him was kind of awesome.  He did all the things I’d been hoping he would.  More than the yard work and handyman fixes was the fact that he sat me down and said how sorry he was.  That he had no idea how hurt I was.  That he would try harder to be the man I deserve.  That I AM worth the 2 hour drive.  The fact alone that he actually uttered the words ‘I’m sorry’ was pretty impressive for him.

 

May sound silly, but it kind of meant a lot.  I have no expectations going forward.  I will not put in any more effort than he does.  It was just a really nice visit.  Short, but nice.  And he’s been super good about staying in touch (I think we’re up to 3 phone calls so far today).  It just seems like this time around, we’ve both stopped pressuring ourselves to make things more than they are…..

 

 

Well This Never Happens…. August 27, 2018

I am rarely at a loss for words.  When writing or in life, I usually err on the side of word vomit.  Not this time.  Not sure what to make of it all.

 

Lots has happened since I last checked in.  I turned another year older.  Yey.  It was a low key birthday where I received copious amounts of Facebook birthday wishes and met a friend for drinks.  For being the root of all evil, FB is good at making you feel popular and loved one day out of the year.

 

Mr. OoT was out of town for my birthday.  He called, we chatted, he said he’d call me later that day, he didn’t.  Pretty par for the course.  I’m still seeing him.  I think.  I actually counted up and in the past 58 days, we’ve seen each other exactly 4.  That sucks.  One of those whopping 4 days I drove 2 hours there and 2 hours back just so I could spend 3 hours with him.  We had had an argument the evening before, and although we had talked through it on the phone, I wasn’t feeling all that awesome about things and he was about to leave for another 2 weeks.

 

He told me he loved me on one of those 4 days.  It was the last night we were together before I came back home.  He told me he loved me and then it’s as if he completely shut down after that.  I’m not sure if he freaked himself out, changed his mind, didn’t mean it to begin with or what.  I’ve had a hard time with my overthinking and ridiculousness.

 

One of my awesome readers who always offers good advice wrote a comment a while back that has stuck with me.  She posed a question.  Is he worth it?  And I just don’t know.  I feel like I should, yet I don’t.  Do I love him?  I think I might.  Would I miss him if we were through?  Probably.  Would my life change in any significant way?  Probably not.  I have a hard time with not seeing him often.  I get detached.  It feels like every time we’re together, it’s like starting over.  I have this boyfriend that I never see.  I still do things alone.  I still have to handle everything myself.  He is amazing at making me feel loved and secure and pretty awesome when we’re together.  I just don’t think we’re together enough,

 

We are supposed to head out of town this week for a couple days to celebrate my birthday.  I was SO excited about this trip.  I’m not so sure now.  There’s something going on that he’s not telling me.  I don’t mean anything covert, I just mean I’m getting a different ‘vibe’ from him.  He told me last time I saw him, the day I drove up to spend a few hours with him, that he forgets how much he misses me when we’re not together.  I think that’s a problem.  Maybe only in my head, but still.

 

He still calls me his lady, and baby and such, but has never repeated that he loves me.  His mindset though is that once he says something, unless it changes, he may not say it again.  Uhm, that’s not how my brain works.  At all.  Is he worth it?  Do our rare times together make up for all the time apart?  Can I handle having an absentee boyfriend that may or may not be in love with me?  I don’t want to ruin our time together this week with all my incessant worries, so I’m writing them down.  For you.  You’re welcome.

Here I Sit July 29, 2018

I’m presently sitting in Mr. OoT’s apartment, having arrived 4 hours late after a hugely stressful day.  What the fuck is going on with everything?! Once finally on the road, I texted him to let him know and he told me to drive safely and asked if I wanted him to order in dinner for us.  So nice!  I said that would be terrific and he let me choose.

 

Dinner arrived way before I did and he waited (as he should have).  We had a little fun before eating and then had dinner together.  Chatting about nothing in particular.  He asked me how the issue I was having last week business-wise had turned out and I told him the whole shit storm of a story.  As if right on cue, I get a phone call.  At 9pm on a Sunday evening with yet ANOTHER business issue.  This one I had NO clue how to solve.  I went into overdrive calling everyone I could think of that might be able to help to no avail.  The customer was justifiably upset, but was not ‘hearing’ the solutions that I was presenting her.  Super frustrating and took over 2 hours to finally get settled.  2 hours of me on the phone, sending e mails, FB messages, smoke signals and generally trying not to have a complete melt down.  Mr. OoT asked if there was anything he could do.  Sadly, there wasn’t.  He sat with me for about 30 minutes and then kissed me on the forehead and told me he’d be in the other room if I needed anything.  Smart move on his part as a Grey Goose melt down is NOT something that anyone wants to be in the direct pathway of.

 

I finally got everything resolved a bit before midnight and went in search of Mr. OoT.  He was sound asleep.  As he should be.  He had a looong and rough day as well, but mine seemed to trump his.  This is NOT how I wanted our 1st night together after 3 weeks to go down.  He’s been sweet, supportive and has done his best to calm me down.  This is NOT a good side of me and one that does not appear very often.  He seemed to handle it well.

 

While he sleeps, I am up, at ten ’til one in the morning typing this presumably disconnected blog post (you’re welcome).  I guess we’ll see what tomorrow (more like later today) holds ………….

I’m A Good Cook July 28, 2018

You know what the true sign of a good cook is? It’s someone who can make something out of nothing. Someone who can take seemingly disjointed and random ingredients and turn them into something good.

I’ve not always been a good cook. There has been more than a few times where I have put mismatched ingredients together, known something wouldn’t taste right and yet forced myself to like it. Or, better yet, tried to force someone else into liking it.

Ingredients are a funny thing, like people, you can make some great things out of mismatched items. You can also make some exceptionally unappetizing ones.

I have a history (with men) of trying to force things. Not on myself, but I have spent more than my share of ridiculously soul crushing time trying to talk guys into dating me. So fucking lame on my part. I get the whole, if he can’t see your worth, then he’s not worth it thing, but yet it continues. The last notable (and by notable I mean humiliating) one was at the beginning of the year with The Paramedic. Ugh. Of course the most damaging one was TD, 5(ish) years ago. I’ve done it a lot though and have the blog posts to prove it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t run around town trying to mate with every male I encounter as there are far more guys that I turn down than turn down me. It’s just when I find that HIGHLY elusive chemistry thing with someone, I am reluctant to let it go. Yup, even if that chemistry is just one sided. Boo.

Mr. OoT asked me when we started dating. I couldn’t really answer with a specific date. Sure, I have the blog posts to document the 1st time we exchanged online messages, the 1st time we met, the 1st time he dumped me, the 1st time I invited myself to try and fix things, etc…. but I have no idea what to count as the start of ‘us’. Our relationship is just so weird with him living 2 hours away AND working out of state 2 weeks a month. We are the relationship embodiment of a roller coaster. Seriously. Things have improved A LOT since the beginning, but we’ve still got our issues. Doesn’t everyone though?

I’ve been thinking long term lately. Not sure why. Mr. OoT and I absolutely do better in person than we do long distance. We both have idiosyncrasies that could/would/might drive the other insane though if it was a different setup. Like living together. I know that I sell him short a lot and tend to fixate on the negatives with him. I also know that I’m no picnic to deal with. I can be moody, needy, stubborn and snarky. I’ve lived alone a looooong time.

The last fight I picked with him, he said ‘maybe cat people should be with cat people and dog people should be with dog people’. Figuratively speaking of course as neither of us are cat people, but the message was clear. And I proceeded to argue against that theory….

My heart genuinely dropped when I read that text (btw, I HATE having text ‘discussions’). Not sure what we’re doing, but do I really have to figure it all out right now?

I’m an Ass July 24, 2018

I know, big surprise for everyone right? I wrote the other day that Mr. OoT doesn’t get it when it comes to business. My business. And he doesn’t. And that’s okay. Today he offered to buy me a plane ticket to get to where I need to be to take care of things. Sweet and generous as hell. While I would never take him up on it, it means a lot that the offer was made. He knows I’ve been stressed out about money lately. While he pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck, he still offered to dip into his stash to try and help alleviate some of my worries.

He may not know how to give me business advice, but he does know how to be surprisingly supportive. I should probably stop selling him short.

As a change of pace, I’VE been the shit show this week. Pretty much the living embodiment of everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Just call me Murphy. I have not had a shittier 4 day run in ages! And, because feeling completely out of control on all things shitshow isn’t a good place to be for a Type A control freak to be, I opted to control one thing. And picked a fight with OoT. A big one……

Like Watching A Pot Of Water Boil July 21, 2018

That’s what it’s like watching the calendar.  It doesn’t make the time go by any faster.  Mr. OoT is 12 days into his 21 day stint out of town.  He’s been pretty good about staying in touch and not ‘checking out’.  Which, of course, means that I haven’t checked out.  Yet.

 

He brought up living together yesterday.  Again.  Uhm, WAY too soon for that talk.  And sorry, but just because his BFF moved his brand new girlfriend in already doesn’t mean it’s the move for us.  Pun intended.  Anyway, in the grand scheme of things, I live in the better town and have the better house.  Those are just facts.  Another fact is that Mr. OoT needs to stay in his town for 3 more years until his youngest graduates high school.  Non facts are things such as would I really move to a different town when I love mine so much?  Why would I move to his town when he’s gone half the month anyway?  What the hell would it be like living with Mr. OoT 24/7 forever and ever?  Sure, our ‘dates’ last for days on end, but there is always an end point.  Always a time that I know I will get my ‘space’ back.  To be fair, I’d probably be like this with anyone and realize that I’m no picnic either.  I’m an introvert at heart.  I need my ‘me’ time.  Dealing with Mr. OoT’s not so little idiosyncracies might just drive me insane though.

 

I’m doing well on just letting things go and again, to be fair, he’s doing better at retaining information.  I read a pithy little blurb somewhere yesterday (probably FB or The Twitter as that’s where I keep up on all current events) that said something to the effect of : Just because someone isn’t loving you in the way that you have envisioned doesn’t mean that they’re not loving you to the best of their ability.  Or something like that.  I need to start writing things down…..

 

Anywhoo, as an added ‘bonus’, all sorts of shit is hitting the fan today in my business and normal life and I don’t really think I can talk to Mr. OoT about the business side.  I’m used to being able to lean on whoever I’m seeing (if I recall correctly as it’s been so long ago) to offer advice and talk thru things with me.  I just sent Mr. OoT a text about one specific thing going on and he’s not getting it.  He’s never had anything other than a time-clock punching job and his mind just doesn’t work ‘business-wise’.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that by any means, but it’s just different and he has no perspective on what it’s like to live my ‘work’ life.  It’s highlighting another difference between he and I.  Last week when I told him about an issue I was having with a particularly rude client, he told me I should just tell them to fuck off and hang up on them.  Uhm, no.  That’s not how it’s done in business.

 

Gah, today has gone from bad to worse.  Yeehaw.

 

P.S. Although all the above is true, I miss him and that’s just making it all worse (but probably just in my head)

The Photo July 18, 2018

Mr. OoT and I got some super photos with each other during my/his last visit. Too bad that’s not what this post is about.

Remember the drama queen shit stirring niece of Mr. OoT and the shitty thing she did? Yeah, that’s what this post is regarding.

There were 13 of us in the front room of Mr. OoT’s place. Cramped is an understatement. Most people were sitting on the floor. Not me. I don’t do floors. I was sitting in a chair about 6″ from the front of Mr. OoT’s fridge. That was sort of my spot that weekend. Mr. OoT keeps lots of photos on the front of his fridge that I like to look at. While I’ve never actually moved the photos to see if there were any hidden gems, I loved the photos I could see. They were of Mr. OoT and his kids and they were very sweet. He and his daughter. He and his son. His son and his daughter….you get the idea.

Not that day. Heaven knows where she found it, but when I turned my head to look at the photos the one that stared back at me was of Mr. OoT smiling away with the 5 year girlfriend and her family. What the fuck?

To be clear, everyone has a past. Duh. Everyone has exes. This wasn’t a photo of any of the kids’ moms. It wasn’t a photo containing any of Mr. OoT’s family. It was just Mr. OoT, his ex and her family. Two questions came to mind: #1) why the hell is that photo still around and not filed away somewhere and #2) why the HELL is it center stage on the fridge & staring me in the face?

I have never felt that ‘her’ and Mr. OoT’s story was over. They’ve dated 3 separate times over a 25 year period. He has NO closure on the situation. Their breakup was sudden and weird. Although he tells me there is no way he’d get back with her and that he’s way more into me than he ever was with her, I don’t fully buy it.

Anyway, 2 of his sisters were in earshot when I reactively said ‘what the fuck?’. The spirit animal sister completely understood. The other sister didn’t get it. Dumbass. She was all ‘It’s only a photo and they did date for 5 years’. Uh, sure thing dipshit, I get that, but WHY should I have to look at this photo? The shit stirring neice who did it was all ‘I think it’s a cute photo of everyone’. Again, what the fuck? She knew it wad his ex in the pic. They had met several times. She knew exactly what she was doing. I just can’t figure out why….

Anyway, you know who else didn’t get why I was upset? Mr. OoT. Super. He was all team ‘ it’s just a picture ‘ and could not get it through his head why I was upset about it a) still being anywhere but in a drawer somewhere and b) staring me right in the face on the front of his fridge.

I asked him how he would feel if I had a photo of me, my ex and his family still stuck to my fridge. He said he wouldn’t care. Right. This from the guy who assumed I was seeing someone else and got pissed when I posted a pic of myself and my bff’s son on Instagram….. I was super annoyed at that point and opted to take my dog for an extended walk. I avoided being in the kitchen the rest of the day.

Best part of the whole thing? When he brought it up again hours & hours later when we were lying in bed, I was still trying to get him to understand why it upset me. He asked, I shit you not, if I wanted him to take it down. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!? It was still up there!!! I was dumbfounded to hear that he (or anyone else) hadn’t taken it down earlier.

Gah….

On This Day….. July 17, 2018

You know how FB sends you ‘memories’ from previous years? Some are amazing memories and bring a smile to my face. Some make me think and realize how things have changed. There’s the whole remembrance of outings with friends. Of good times had. Of evolutions made. Of changes in circumstances. Then again, once every blue moon you get a ‘memory’ that you wish they wouldn’t have sent. From eight years ago:

some jack-hole from match (yes, i know) just sent me this: “I’m not married by choice. Ur a 42 yo w-no kids never married. Lol
Very odd for a woman. You better work on yourself. Who d want advice from u. I just re looked@your pics. I saw them hours ago. No wonder I forgot them. What a AVE looking plain jane. Not enough booze in AZ for me to date u. I wouldn’t walk across the ST. to say hi to u ! Get over your extremely ave self. You’re somebodys 10. Lol. Your a 5-6 to me. I date8s. Commit to 9s. There’s not a plastic surgeon ,that can get u to a 7! Lol”

Uhm, what the fuck? I’m wracking my brain to try to remember this guy or what the circumstances were to deserve such an awesome message, but I can’t. And that’s probably a good thing.

Ahhh, online dating. How I love you so. Not.

NEVER LET ANYONE DEFINE YOUR SELF WORTH! This took me a looooong time to fully embrace. I’m pretty sure this message knocked me on my ass for a few days back then (and might actually still if I were to receive this message today). Looks are just looks. Superficial assholes are just superficial assholes. I can only hope that Karma has done it’s work on this idiot.

Whatever THIS Is…. July 16, 2018

Mr. OoT likes to preface any discussion of ‘us’ by referring to our dating/relationship as ‘whatever THIS is that we’re doing’. It’s so weird. I know he says it that way for my benefit as he’s trying not to freak me out and cause me to run away, but c’mon.

He asked me the other day about steps. As in ‘the next step in whatever this is we’re doing’. He’s big on steps. I told him we could start by his NOT saying ‘whatever this is’ whenever he talks about ‘us’. He asked what he should categorize us as. Uhm, we’re dating. And unless he has someone on the side that I’m unaware of, we’re dating exclusively. Ergo, a relationship. Gasp! I could almost hear him grinning through the phone.

I asked him what he refers to me as to others. He said he calls me his amazing girlfriend. Good man. I call him by his name and say he’s the man I’m seeing. Boyfriend just doesn’t roll off the tongue normally for me at age 50.

Anywhoo, things are good. Although he opted to be away for work for 3 weeks this time instead of 2 without even thinking to mention it to me prior, he was completely open and engaged when I pointed out that most of our challenges happen when he’s away. He’s disconnected which, in turn, makes me disconnected. I asked what we could do to work on that and he suggested, all on his own, that even though we text multiple times a day, that we speak on the phone every 2 days. I thought that a great idea and promptly assumed he’d forget. So far, he makes sure to call me every 2 days…impressive.

My eyes were opened to a few things during his family’s visit. The opinionated, unwavering, opposing viewpointed man that he is now is actually an upgraded version on how he has been in the past. He even said to me ‘this is about as good as it gets. If you’re hoping for bigger changes, I’d appreciate you breaking up with me now as I’m getting very attached.”

Maybe it’s my viewpoint and expectations that need to change. People don’t change who they inherently are. He is who he is. It’s up to me to either adjust or not. He’s trying. He’s doing his best to make me happy. He is kind, good hearted and affectionate towards me. That’s a pretty good thing and I’m getting a little attached myself….

Shuttle Service July 9, 2018

Oh hell. I owe a bunch of updates. Vacation ended. Sister came to town. Mr. OoT had his family reunion. Such a busy past 8 days. As I don’t want to spoil the fun filled suspense, I’ll meter out my updates. You’re welcome.

I got back from my Mexico vacay 10 days ago. Mr. OoT had promised to pick me up at the airport, 2 hours from his town, at 11:30pm. I was less than positive that he’d actually be there. I spent most of the last leg of my flight preparing myself for it and pep talking myself into not being mad/disappointed/sad when I walked past security to see a bunch of strangers. Much to my surprise delight, he was there!! And it was good to see him. Although I was still more than a bit pissed about the whole stranded on the side of a Mexican highway thing and his seeming lack of concern, I let it go. Kind of.

I did end up asking him about it and letting him know how disappointed I was. He explained his viewpoint. His completely fucked up and ridiculous interpretation of my text, but his reaction (or lack thereof) made sense. If you’re a moron. Or male. He thought, heaven knows why, that I was sitting in an air conditioned shuttle bus on the side of the road awaiting a new tire. Uhm, no. No, that’s not what happened at all. Anyway, and regardless of his ‘vision’, I explained that by his not checking in with me, it appeared as if he didn’t care. He responded, in the true spirit of maleness, that although he was concerned, there was nothing he could do to help and he didn’t think sending a ‘hope you’re not dead’ text would be helpful. Or appreciated. Couldn’t really argue with that.

He proceeded to stay for the next 2 nights at my house. And it was kinda awesome. I much prefer my house to his apartment (shhhhh, don’t tell). This was the 1st time he’d stayed over, much less come to my town, since date #1. I regaled him with all the awesomeness that is my town in the summer. The outdoor free concerts 3 times a week. The most amazing farmer’s market ever. The beautiful parks and ponds. I truly live in a killer town. He does not (again, shhhhhh). He drove back to his town late on a Friday afternoon only to turn back around the next day and come back to catch a comedy show. And meet my best friend. And my twin sister……..

Well That Sucked June 20, 2018

So as I was talking to Mr. OoT last night, the subject of one of my favorite snarky weekly specials came up. Think along the lines of Steven Colbert. Only better. And more snarky. And British. And somewhat brilliant. I had spoken to Mr. OoT about this particular show MANY times. And by many, I mean no less than 5. I even sent him links. Anywhoo, I mention him last night and Mr. OoT says, completely obliviously, ‘who is that? you’ve never mentioned him before.” And I lost it.

Do you have ANY idea exactly how frustrating it is for someone that you’re involved with to remember pretty much NOTHING that you say? Let me tell you, it sucks. I don’t think he does it on purpose. I do think he might be partially brain dead. Okay, not really, but for fuck’s sake, write it down! All my good intentions of waiting until I see him to discuss our communication issues (of which he thinks there are none) flew out of the window. I wasn’t mad or hysterical or any of my awesome non self controlled versions. I just explained how FUCKING annoying it is for him to never remember. His favorite line is to ask for more examples than that one that started this. Then he says he didn’t realize that this particular show was so important to me. Completely missing the point of the discussion.

Earlier in the conversation we had been talking about scuba diving. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘he’. I had explained to him in the past that while I’m happy to be on the boat with him, I will not be getting in the water. That I am actually afraid to be in deep water. That I’m not the best swimmer and that not being able to see the bottom of ANY body of water is a no go for me (yup, even those creepy black bottom pools are out for me). Anywhoo, as he’s waxing poetic about how much I’m going to like scuba diving (what the fuck?), I clam up. This, my friends, is my new non-patented move when I am trying not to be a raging bitch with my response. I tell him that I won’t be enjoying scuba diving and he asks why. Honest to god. I tell him, for probably the 3rd time, my reason why and he says ‘oh, you’ve never mentioned that before. you’ve only said that you refused to go, but never given a reason why’. Uhm, no. That’s not what has happened. Ever.

I asked him if he thought we had difficulty communicating over the phone and he says, completely sincerely. That yes, he thinks we do because I NEVER SAY ANYTHING and that he knows nothing about me. Uhm……… We spoke a bit more and I flat out told him that we need to improve our communication. That he needs to figure out how the hell to retain information. It wasn’t the most productive conversation ever, but then again, he’ll probably not remember any of it anyways.

This, my friends, is why drugs are bad. VERY, VERY BAD.

I am off to Mexico for a week and think it’s good timing. Mr. OoT gets back from his 2 week work stint away tomorrow and gets to sit and miss me. And hopefully remember anything that we’ve ever talked about. How the hell can we be so good in person and so ridiculously bad when not? I’m not sure we’ll be able to figure it out. And this, despite everything I’ve bitched about, makes me incredibly sad.

Oh, and I got a text from Tinder guy last night. I opted not to respond …….

Timing June 18, 2018

Let’s see, I get to see Mr. OoT in 12 days (9 days now that I’ve sat on this post for a few days).  I get to leave for a short vacation in just 4 days.  Uhm, you do the math.  Vacation wins!  The things that I want/need to talk to Mr. OoT about are sort of stacking up.  If he picks me up at the airport, he will spend the night and head home the next day as his kids are in town so he doesn’t want to miss out on daddy time with them.  Totally get that.  The next time I see him after that will be on the 30th, when he comes to my town, with said kids to see a comedy show.  The next time after that will be 3 days later when I come to his town.  For his extended family reunion.  Uhm, when do I think I’m going to be able to talk to him about my concerns?

 

Not the night he picks me up from the airport.  It will be uber late and, on the off chance that I don’t fall asleep, I forsee very little talking going on.  Well, there will be talking, but it will mostly be dirty.  😉 I can’t talk to him when he’s here with his kids for the show.  I also can’t really talk to him when he’s with his entire family.  Super.  After the family reunion he will be leaving for another 2 weeks.  I need to bite the bullet and pick a time.  I can’t keep just adding to the list.  It’s not fair to either of us.  I get annoyed that things aren’t changing, but he has no idea that I’m annoyed in the first place, so also has no idea of my displeasure or desire for things to change.

 

He keeps offering to help me with different things and saying that he wishes he was around more.  All I think about it when are we going to have a chance to talk seriously in person.  This relationship stuff is hard.  I probably make it harder than it needs to be.

Does Not Remembering Really Mean It Didn’t Happen? June 15, 2018

In true to “I’m a guy” form, I heard from Mr. OoT the next morning after his curt ‘goodnight’ mid Hairdresser discussion as if everything was hunky dory and nothing had happened. Not sure why he does this. Not sure why I allow it to happen. There’s nothing more frustrating than leaving a discussion unresolved. At least for me. For him, it apparently never even happened. Must be nice…..

I’m annoyed right now. I DO like him. He’s kind and generous and funny and smart and has a really good heart buried under all his bullshit. He makes me feel pretty and special and talks of the future. He also has a pretty pronounced misogynistic side to him. Maybe misogyny is too strong a word; selfish? Self absorbed? Although he has told me 3 times now how closed minded I am (always, btw, in regards to his f*ing love of weed), it is actually he who is unable to see things from a different point of view. His interests come first. Although he will ask me what I want to do, watch on tv, eat, whatever, he always defaults to what he wants. He assumes everyone views the world (or should) as he does. For a smart man, he’s kinda dumb in this regard.

I’m feeling kinda disconnected at the moment. We all know that when I don’t feel connected, I get bored. And my mind wanders. Part of the fun of being in a long distance relationship with someone who apparently is incapable of having a serious discussion over the phone is that nothing gets resolved. By fun, I of course mean bullshit. Everything gets left for in person discussions. This takes away from our ‘us’ time and puts a damper on the whole thing, so I usually just let things go. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword. Apparently he’s fine with never getting anything resolved (bonus for him to never be called out on his bullshit). Not so great for me.

He’s mid 2-week stint right now. He will be back in town next Thursday. I leave town for a week on Wednesday. That means 2 more weeks before I see him again. We haven’t spoken much in the past few days. Him because he’s exhausted, me because I’m annoyed. How do we resolve something that one of us doesn’t even view as a problem? I’ve mentioned before about his horrific memory. I attribute that to his misogyny as well. If it doesn’t interest him or he doesn’t view it as important, it doesn’t get remembered. Being able to count on someone is a big thing for me. I don’t know that I can count on him. This is a man who only eats once a day and who I have to remind that I get hungry and need to be fed more than that. It’s kind of weird. And annoying. He’s the least self-aware person that I know. I am one of the most. It boggles my mind that someone so seemingly smart not only doesn’t own their shit, but doesn’t even realize that they have shit to own.

Anywhoo, back to not being able to count on him in the simplest of examples. I fly back into town on the 27th. He has offered to drive the 2 hours from his town to pick me up at the airport and then stay the night at my place. He has also told me that I will need to remind him. What the fuck? Write it down for shit’s sake. I think he’ll forget. I actually plan on him forgetting so instead of ubering to the airport and being assured that he’ll be there, a week later, to pick me up with open arms and a bouquet of flowers (ha), I am driving myself so that my car will be there for when he doesn’t show. Am I being too hard on him? Maybe. Am I expecting too much? Possibly. Has his past non efforts at follow through given me reason to be dubious? Hell yes they have. Not sure what to do. This is not a good week. Boo.

We are pretty great in person. Long distance, not so much …….