The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

On This Day….. July 17, 2018

You know how FB sends you ‘memories’ from previous years? Some are amazing memories and bring a smile to my face. Some make me think and realize how things have changed. There’s the whole remembrance of outings with friends. Of good times had. Of evolutions made. Of changes in circumstances. Then again, once every blue moon you get a ‘memory’ that you wish they wouldn’t have sent. From eight years ago:

some jack-hole from match (yes, i know) just sent me this: “I’m not married by choice. Ur a 42 yo w-no kids never married. Lol
Very odd for a woman. You better work on yourself. Who d want advice from u. I just re looked@your pics. I saw them hours ago. No wonder I forgot them. What a AVE looking plain jane. Not enough booze in AZ for me to date u. I wouldn’t walk across the ST. to say hi to u ! Get over your extremely ave self. You’re somebodys 10. Lol. Your a 5-6 to me. I date8s. Commit to 9s. There’s not a plastic surgeon ,that can get u to a 7! Lol”

Uhm, what the fuck? I’m wracking my brain to try to remember this guy or what the circumstances were to deserve such an awesome message, but I can’t. And that’s probably a good thing.

Ahhh, online dating. How I love you so. Not.

NEVER LET ANYONE DEFINE YOUR SELF WORTH! This took me a looooong time to fully embrace. I’m pretty sure this message knocked me on my ass for a few days back then (and might actually still if I were to receive this message today). Looks are just looks. Superficial assholes are just superficial assholes. I can only hope that Karma has done it’s work on this idiot.

 

Drawers, Speeding Tickets, Parents & Time Lapses May 30, 2018

So I got the drawer.  He was uber cute about it.  To me, it’s just a drawer.  To him, it’s more of symbolic letterman’s jacket.  He’s admitted that he’s the ‘girl’ in the relationship and worries all the time about what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling, if I’m tired of him yet, etc….. Kinda endearing.  And kinda nice for me not to be the more neurotic of the two.  Kinda freaks me out though that he’s seemingly trying to fast forward whatever it is we have going on (more to come on this in another post as this one is already hodge podgey enough)

 

I met his parents this weekend.  Completely unplanned.  They invited us over for a BBQ on Monday.  Mr. OoT HATES his mother.  Apparently she was a horrible, horrible mom.  He’s not the only sibling to feel this way.  He refers to his mom as ‘his dad’s wife’ or the antichrist.  My mom was less than stellar so I get it.  He has nothing good to say about her.  I feel bad.  He loves his dad dearly though, so it’s a bit of a trade-off.  He warned me that his mom is passive aggressive and a bit of a hoarder.  She was actually fine.  A bit neurotic and awkward, but fine.  Even Mr. OoT said that she ‘kept her crazy tucked away pretty well.”  Anywhoo, I’m sure they loved me.  Everyone does.  HA!  I guess I’ll wait to hear what the report comes in as.  I think his hatred of his mom takes up a lot of space in his already overly crammed, never silent mind, so it would be great if he could find some sort of a middle ground.

 

Mr. OoT and I went to a hot springs on Monday evening.  It was okay.  I had grand ideas of how amazing sexy time would be in a private hot springs room.  Huh, not so much.  Firstly, trying to have sex in the water is a bit of a challenge (for many reasons).  Secondly, I guess I wanted the water temp a bit too high for my delicate flower of a man, so he was feeling a bit woozy.  He was SOOOO embarrassed.  I almost felt like shit.  Almost.  Oh well.

 

On the way back to his apartment, I was rewarded with a police car siren and flashing lights in my rear-view mirror.  Super, you can never have enough speeding tickets, right?  To be clear, I WAS speeding.  I usually do.  I like to get to where I’m going.  To also be clear, Mr. OoT HATES cops.  Probably as much as he hates his mother.  I could tell that he was getting all worked up, so I asked him to please not say anything when the policeman approached.  I was driving and it was my car after all.  The policeman came to the window and informed me that I was speeding.  I was polite and lied told him that I had my cruise control set at xx mph, so was confused.  Mr. OoT began to pop off and I had to shush him.  When the cop walked away to run my license, Mr. OoT began a litany of  reasons that cops suck.  I basically had to tell him to shut the fuck up; in a nice way, of course.  After the 3rd time of rewording my ‘shut the fuck up’, he finally did.  The cop let me off with a warning (to which I thanked him and Mr. OoT wasn’t happy that I did that) and we were on our merry way again.  It could have been worse.  I handled it well.  I was polite and respectful.  Mr. OoT was not.  I was pissed.  He could have gotten me (and himself) in a lot of trouble.  He is seemingly unable to harness his self righteous ideals about things when it comes to deciding the best way to handle a specific situation.  Concerning, to say the least.

 

All in all we had a fun 4 days.  I got home Tuesday morning.  It was a good time.  Although still being the flakey, bad memory having, peter pan (ish) guy that he always was, he’s also super sweet to me.  Stay tuned for the ‘fast forward’ and my impending (or not) freak out …………….

 

 

Turn Tables May 27, 2018

So during our multitude of talks on Friday night, Mr. OoT asked me if I’d ever want to get married. I swear I almost wet the bed. Why the fuck is he asking me that? This is the 3rd weekend we’ve spent together. While I am certainly hoping he didn’t mean it in a will you marry me, kinda way (#4, really?), it freaked me out a little. As I was facing away from him at the time (little spoon, ya’ know), he wasn’t privy to my deer in the headlights facial expression. I did my best to rebound from my shock and not get all weirded out by the question. I told him I guess it would depend on the circumstances. That I had always assumed, as young and ignorant girl (before way too many years of online dating jaded me) that I would get married. That I truly would like to experience the ceremony and symbolism of it all. That I, regardless of how UN women’s lib it is, feel like a bit of a failure for never being married at 50. I think having years of online nimrods asking me ‘what’s wrong with you’ when they find out that I’ve not been married to thank for at least a little of this. Fuckers. After my response to Mr. OoT, I promptly changed the subject.

Mr. OoT is SUPER into me. It’s absolutely not in my nature or lack of ego to ever say something like that, but he’s pretty open about it. He’s also very neurotic and nervous about it. He keeps telling me that he’ll totally understand that when (not if) I decide in 6 months that he’s too weird for me, he’ll understand. I asked him why he thinks he’s such an unloveable weirdo. If it’s a factor of his own doing or if he’s been told this by others. He wouldn’t answer. I’m guessing it’s a combination of the two.

I asked him how many time he’s been in love. His first response was to say ‘apparently never as nothing has ever worked out’. I told him what a sadly ridiculous answer that was. That you can absolutely be in love and not have things work out. We talked about it a bit more and he changed his answer to 4. I called bullshit on that one too. He’s been married 3 times for fuck sake.

I did something completely insane the other day and I still don’t know why. I’m not a FB stalker or a google searcher. If I want to know something about someone, I just ask. I completely FB stalked him. Like every single post back 2009. Insane. And time consuming, I might add. If that isn’t concerning enough, I actually went the extra step of screen shotting every single ‘I love you’, ‘you are my world’, and any other declaration of love to different women. I actually find it odd that these women all went out of their way to post weirdly ‘look at me and my man’ posts on FB instead of sending them directly to him, but as I was presently being a psycho, who am I to judge? Anywho, apparently 2011 was a big year for him. 4 different women, in fairly quick succession, were the recipients of his heart. Why the hell do I care what happened 7 years ago? No clue.

Best yet about all of this? I told him I did it. He asked me why. I couldn’t answer. He wanted to know if I did it to use against him in the future. Weird. No. He wanted to know if I was in the process of trying to sabotage things. Against my usual M.O., again a big NO. I told him that I think he’s in love with the idea of love. He said I was wrong. I assure you, I am not. Anywhoo, I do think something that bothers me are all the ‘baby’, ‘you’re amazing’ and other terminology that he uses with me. Why on earth, at his advanced age of 40 whatever, would I think that I’d be the 1st woman that he calls baby?

I do find it refreshing, if not foreign as hell, for me to be so open and comfortable with him. Sure, I’m still the same neurotic dumbass that I’ve always been, but I just tell him about all of it. And instead of thinking I’m a total mess, he does his best to make me feel better and let’s me know how much he appreciates my honesty as it makes him feel more secure in things knowing that I’m a weirdo too.

 

Were There Men Even On Board? May 24, 2018

So. Much. Fun. So. Many. Cocktails. Got back Sunday from my 3 day whirlwind cruise. So glad I went. Even though the ‘jr suite’ that I shared with 2 friends was more like a ‘not so much jr suite’ and I slept on this odd folded out futon like couch thing (diagonally, might I add as it was uber short and I am not), I had a blast.

There were 13 of us in all. And about 6 of that 13 were all about the drama. Tears, tantrums and rudeness included. I successfully avoided it all. And spent most of my time at the bar. Every bar. My ‘core group’ all got the ‘unlimited drinks’ package and, as it’s not really unlimited and is instead limited to 15 drinks per day (boo Carnival), it was an unwritten agreement to try and reach our limit each day. #lifegoals. Sadly, and surprisingly considering we started drinking at 9am each day, I never actually hit 15. Apparently I’m lame. Or just a cheaper date than I used to be.

The laughter was plentiful, the drinks strong, the re-bonding of friendships awesome. The only thing that could have made the experience better would be an in board hook up. Sorry friends, I broke my vacation fling streak.

There weren’t many cute singles on board. There were lots of younger men with ironic man buns though. No thank you. I heard, on night #1 that there was a group of age appropriate hotties spotted in the dining room, but I was not alerted. Damn greedy bitches. I do think I spotted them the next night when they all walked past me on formal night. They were every bit as attractive as I’d heard. There was even a tall nerdy one with glasses just for me. Sadly, and inexplicably, my inner social retard took over and instead of making eye contact when he looked directly at me and smiled, I looked at the ground. WTF?!?! I have no clue what happened. I would normally switch directions and follow them (is it really stalking if it’s just me?), but I totally drew a blank and brain farted on what little game I have left. Eh, oh well, at least they were pretty to look at, however briefly.

I am back home, missing my friends terribly, still awaiting my room service coffee to be delivered to my room and, for some strange reason, am unable to locate the buffet. Damn reality….

 

Bad Decisions on the High Seas May 16, 2018

This weekend I am off for a girls’ trip aboard a shitty little cruise ship to a shitty little destination. I sound excited, right? Well, I am. If only because my FOMO kicked in and I truly miss my friends that I moved away from almost a year ago. When they all told me about the trip, my thoughts ranged from ‘that sounds like a horrible idea’, to ‘seriously? a 3 day cruise? who does that?’ to ‘damn, I’m going to be missing out’. As I am still not working (or looking, for that matter), I absolutely should not be going. Oh lookie there, my financial decisions are just as good as my romantic ones! I’m going. Fuck it.

All of the women going on the trip are single. Heaven help any men aboard the ship as more than a few of us are a bit boy crazy. Although you will all agree that I am kind of pre-occupied with finding someone of the opposite sex, compared to several of my friends I’m a complete amateur in that regard. No, really. I actually forsee arm-wrestles over anyone attractive. There will be shoving, tripping, running and all forms of mahem. Haven’t actually decided if I will be participating. Kinda think not.

In true Grey Goose form, of the 10 of us going, I only really care about my ‘core’ group of 4. The rest are just filler. And sort of annoying. The riff raff (kidding!) are planning a big excursion in one of the ports that will take up most of the day. I, true to form, will be forgoing that less than appealing option to stay on board and drink. And tan. And ogle the crew (yes, I’m THAT girl, stop acting surprised). Because my tribe is awesome, they are staying on board with me!

I am looking forward to a terrific trip reconnecting with friends, drinking WAY too much, eating WAY too much, acting a bit immature (go figure) and laughing WAY WAY too much. Can there ever be too much laughter though? I think not.

Mr. OoT is not thrilled that I am going on this trip and has already requested that if I do hook up with anyone, to NOT tell him. As I don’t forsee that even happening, it’s a moot point. Kinda cute that he’s worried though. As a little bonus to this post and because I have offered no real updates on him lately, Mr. OoT is out of town again working. I won’t see him for 10 more days. He has already told me that he misses me, that he wishes we could see each other more often and that *silence for the suspense* he is going to pick out a drawer for me in his room. A whole drawer! Just for me! 😉 Oh, and he also mentioned that he hid his online profile…….

 

The 48 Hour Date May 7, 2018

Not sure why it is, but apparently every time I pull into Mr. OoT’s town, the universe signals Repo Man to text me.  Weird.  Anywhoo, it was requested by Mr. OoT that I plan on arriving to his place around 7pm on Saturday.  Whatevs.  As he lives a scant 20 minutes away from one of the most amazing feats of nature that I’ve ever seen, I opted to head up there around noon.  Just me, my dog, my overpacked bag, and a big question mark whether I would be there for 24 or 48 hours.

 

I got to his town around 2pm and went to the state park where the closest thing to my zen inducing love of water could work it’s magic.  It was amazing.  I was wearing a cute dress, the weather was gorgeous, the park was packed, the falls were magical.  I sat in the grass, took some selfies with my dog, offered to take photos of couples struggling with their own selfies and had a very nice time.  Bonus (or not) was that I believe I flashed half the park when getting up off the ground.  Sorry nature lovers, there’s just no graceful way to go about that when holding a dog leash and trying not to fall over.

 

I Snapchatted Mr. OoT (’cause I’m a 13 year old girl) a pic of my dog and I at the park and let him know that although we were already in town, we would plan on arriving to his place at 7 as requested unless I heard otherwise.  Well duh, of course I heard otherwise.  His son’s school even ended a bit early, so I got the green light for 5pm.  Yey.  Now I know I’ll get fed.  Priorities people!

 

He greeted me with a huge smile, a hug and a kiss.  We all went out to dinner and then did touristy things the rest of the evening (much to his 15 year old son’s dismay; although he was a great sport).  Our waitress at dinner accidentally assumed that I was ‘the mom’ in the equation and addressed me as such.  Poor OoT’s son wanted to crawl under the table.  Of course, being the kind, understanding and compassionate woman that I am, I completely ‘got’ his being uncomfortable with that mistake.  And then proceeded to address him as ‘son’ the rest of the evening and question my parenting with him.  He either loves me or wants to kill me.  Not sure which.  As it entertained the hell out of me and Mr. OoT, I wasn’t too worried about it.

 

We had another great weekend.   There were a couple of awkward things that happened though.  Like when we returned Mr. OoT’s son to his mom’s (wife #2) on Sunday night and I sat in the car while everyone hung out and talked for way too long a scant 10 feet from the car.  I don’t think ex wife #2 even knew I was in the car, but it was a little odd for me to be sitting there.  Mr. OoT apologized when he got back in the car as he wasn’t planning on chatting with her for so long.  He knew I was a little weirded out by it and asked me what I thought he should have done.  Er, huh, no clue.  No reason for me to meet one of the ex wives at this point, so I really didn’t have an answer for him.  Although I couldn’t see her face as her back was to me, she was a petite little blonde with tons of hair.  Kinda weird seeing Mr. OoT standing around chatting up someone that he used to sleep with.  Huh.

 

We talked a lot this weekend.  Not about us, but about ‘things’.  He told me something that he had been super nervous about letting me know and had been questioning whether to tell me at all.  As I had already guessed at his ‘secret’ weeks ago, I just flat out asked him.  And he was completely honest with me.  He expected a completely different reaction from me than the one he got and was relieved as hell.  Kinda think he still has it in his head that I’m a bit of a mash up of all his exes mixed with a tad uptight bitch.  Sorry babe, I’m a bit unique in that I can’t really be categorized.

 

I ended up staying the 2 nights (yey for me and my vagina).  I was pretty sad heading home today.  I won’t see him for another 2 weeks.  We still haven’t spoken about ‘us’.  Although he did mention needing to have ‘the talk’ at some point, I just opted to ignore that comment and continue to live in the moment.  I like him.  Plain and simple.  Is he the one for me?  I have no clue.  He’s the one that makes me happy in the now, so I’ll go with that.  Oh, and the fact that we had a pretty major make out sesh right before I left, I’m pretty sure that he won’t be thinking of anyone but me for the next 2 weeks.  He’s already confirmed twice that I’ll see him in 2 weeks, right?  Right.

 

Adulting May 4, 2018

Not my favorite.  It seems as though I’ve had to ‘adult’ my entire life.  Being perpetually single and *gasp* independent, all of life’s decisions have always fallen squarely on my shoulders.  Usually to be addressed straight away before my senility kicks in and I forget to take care of them all together.  I have definite opinions on what is important.  On what is right & wrong.  About how things should be.  Really, I have definite opinions on just about everything.  Some things I’m better about dealing with than others as proven by my overly neurotic posts each and EVERY time I meet a guy I could potentially like.

 

Seeing someone that lives 2 hours away is a bit of a pain in the ass.  There’s planning involved for a booty call.  I don’t even think that needing to drive 2 hours even makes it a booty call.    Anywhoo, I am off to see Mr. OoT again this weekend.  I was actually available to leave yesterday to head up there and could spend 4 nights with him before needing to come home.  For whatever reason, I just kind of assumed that would greeted with an enthusiastic ‘hurry up and get your ass over here, I miss you’.  That wasn’t quite what I got.  The ‘plan’ was actually for me to head up tomorrow morning.  I never told him I was available to come up on Thursday.  When we spoke yesterday he let me know that he has a lot of things that he needs to get done on Saturday and needed to spend some quality time with his son.  He loves his son to death and the fact that he’s only in town 2 weeks out of the month means that he wants to spend as much time as possible with him.  I entirely get that.  Kids come 1st.  Always.  As it should be.  What I wasn’t prepared for was Mr. OoT asking if I could delay my arrival until tomorrow night.  Well boo.  Like 7pm tomorrow night.  That sucks.

 

While my 1st inclination would be to assume he didn’t really want to see me and that ‘WTF, seriously?’ and then try to change his mind and let him know that I didn’t expect to spend every waking moment with him and was happy to entertain myself around town, I took a step back (here’s where the adulting part comes in) and realized that our ‘dating’ isn’t all that organic.  Duh.  If he were to be seeing someone that lived in his town, they’d go to dinner, have some sexy time and then he’d send her ass home until the next time.  Our dates come with an automatic sleep over and last no less than 24 hours.  I guess that’s a lot.  Date #1 lasted 25 hours.  Date #2 lasted a scant 4 hours.  Date #3 lasted 72 hours.  For a man that likes his space and commented numerous times on how surprised he was that my being there wasn’t freaking him out, I get that this is a lot.  It is.  It’s like the date that never ends. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been nothing but awesome since last weekend, but I get it.  I really do.

 

So I agreed.  Because I’m mature like that and am trying to be less selfish in my view of things.  What he doesn’t know, however, is that I don’t need to be home until Monday.  I haven’t told him that yet.  I guess we’ll just see how things go with date #4 and whether it lasts 24 or 48 hours.  😉

 

Have a great weekend everyone!!

 

Text Messages & Emoticons May 3, 2018

I got several texts while at Mr. OoT’s last weekend. I had my phone on silent the entire time as, although he claims otherwise, I believe that Mr. OoT is a bit jealous and paranoid. I didn’t want him to worry that every incoming text was from a guy.

They mainly were. I received a few text messages from Repo Man who happened to be spending the weekend in my all time favorite locale along with a few pics. And, might I say, he looked damn good. His messages were flirty. My responses were not.

I also received a message from Mr. English. Complete with emoticons. It was a nice message, hoping I was doing well, letting me know he’d be house-sitting for someone in my area and updating me on the project that he has been working on. I waffled back and forth on how to respond. He is a good guy, he’s just not MY good guy. I was going to send a bland ‘glad all is going well’ or an equally bland ‘thanks for letting me know’. I opted out of sending either and opted out of responding at all. I feel a bit bad about this, but also felt it was the right option.

 

‘The’ Weekend May 2, 2018

Filed under: aura,bumble,dating,internet dating,karma,online dating,plenty of fish,single,texting,tinder — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:33 pm

So weird after all of my insane posts from last week that I walked up to Mr. OoT’s front door on Friday afternoon with absolutely no worries, qualms or neurosis. I just wanted to see. That’s all. Just see how we were together. To know, one way or the other, if this had any potential. Sure, he flip flopped on me every bit as much as I did him. I guess that’s just how we roll. And by ‘we’ I mean people with fucked up romantic histories that are scared of actually liking someone and opening themselves up to getting hurt.

I got to his place around 2pm. He didn’t have to pick up his son until 5. Hmmm, what to do for 3 hours? So many choices. We could annoy each other with questions, whys, why nots and other bullshit time wasters. We could sit around and stare at each other while having insane thoughts run through our heads. Or, best option of all, we could actually test this chemistry thing we had going on to see if it extended past kissing. Oooh, yes, that one please! *Please note that the man who adamantly declared his unwavering vow of celibacy initiated this (but, let’s be honest, I didn’t resist much). Not sure if I was hoping we’d click as much sexually as we did kissing or if I was hoping we wouldn’t. Pretty sure he wasn’t sure which he was hoping for either, but, thank you universe, we are every bit as insanely matched in all things naked sexy time as we are in kissing. I did ask him what the deal was with his big declaration of not sleeping with me and then initiating it. He said, and I quote ‘you would have won in the end anyway and we would have just wasted 3 days of doing this.’ Huh, can’t argue with that logic.

He thinks I’m beautiful. Like REALLY beautiful. I laugh every single time he tells me this as I just don’t think it’s true. I do love that HE thinks it’s true though. He doesn’t see my physical imperfections (of which there are many). He moves my hands when I try to cover something I don’t like. He tells me I don’t need to apologize for anything with him as he likes me just the way I am. Physically, at least. 😉 I know he likes my heart and humor and intelligence and stubbornness as well, just probably not as much as my boobs though. I wasn’t weird or self conscious with him. This is something new for me. Kinda wish it hadn’t have taken me 50 years to do.

This weekend was SO different from the whopping 2 times before when we were together. SO different from our (however amazing) phone conversations. SO different than I expected. It’s like the screening had stopped and we were both just enjoying the moments that we were having together without the bullshit and pressure of trying to figure things out for the long term. I do think that there is a chance he will freak himself out again in the future, but let’s hope that doesn’t happen for a while. For now, let’s hope the laughter (of which there was tons), openness (of which he is trying his best to do), adventures, familiarity, kindness, fun and frolick continue.

He has been sending very sweet text messages to me all day today. And all day yesterday, for that matter. He wants to know when he’ll get to see me again. As he leaves for 2 weeks of work next Wednesday, looks like my dog and I have another little roadtrip in our near future. Yey.

 

Friday Update April 27, 2018

I know, right? I’m just as surprised as you to be posting a real time update. As Mr. OoT is busily counseling one of his sisters who needs him, I find myself with some time on my hands.

So the morning started off with a flirty text. 1st one I’ve gotten in over a week. Then came a request for what I would like from the grocery store. Then came the response, when I let him know I would be arriving ahead of schedule of ‘good, hurry up and get here, I can’t wait to see you’. Uhm, okay.

My dog and I arrived (of course in a killer dress that showed off all the best parts) and I was greeted with a huge hug, an ‘I’ve missed you’, and a ‘did you always look this good’. Well, hello.

So weirdly awesome. I gave him a hug and a kiss and asked what was up. He said, completely on his own “I’ve decided to stop trying to sabotage things; that I will be my authentic self this weekend and you can decide at the end of the weekend what you want to do.” Oh, I like this version of Mr. OoT very much.

I haven’t asked any questions, nor do I care to. This is all I wanted; to have a fun weekend and see how things go. He’s been great. Sweet and thoughtful and affectionate and funny.

We are having dinner with his brother tomorrow & then meeting a couple of his friends tomorrow night. Sunday is all about roller coasters. Real ones, not emotional ones. Thank GOD!

So far so good. I’m chill. He’s chill. My dog is chill. Not sure if that’s a factor of finally just being able to breathe and enjoy each other or the fact that we enjoyed each other in every naked sense of the word. Twice. And it was fan-fucking-tastic. Our chemistry is undeniable, that’s for sure. We’ll see how the rest of the weekend goes but for now. All good. Must be all those virtual pom poms 🙂

 

Virtual Pom Poms

So by the time most of you read this, I will be on my way to see Mr. OoT. Just me, my dog and my ridiculous thoughts. There’s only one of 2 ways this weekend will end up. There are some fun things planned. There are some huge question marks. I’m actually kinda nervous. No clue how I’ll react when I see him. No clue how he’ll react when he sees me. No clue how he wants me to react. No clue how I want him to react. I just want to find out already.

When we originally discussed the backtracking to ‘dating’ and he told me about the no sex decision, I clarified that we could still make out. A lot. I mean a lot, a lot. He’s a pretty amazing kisser. I’m not too shabby in that department either. With absolutely no flirting since then, I’m unsure if that has been taken off the table though? Why would someone do that? I’m kind of pretty sure he’s maybe trying to convince himself and me that he doesn’t like me as much as he does? Then again, there is the less encouraging option that he really doesn’t anymore. I don’t even know how I feel at this point. I’ve driven myself (and all of you) crazy with my neuroses. It’s embarrassing, really.

Dammit, I SWEAR I believe in manifesting your future. Good thoughts & good energy will be rewarded with good results. Why the FUCK can I not do this with my romantic life?!?!

As your reward for being my virtual cheerleaders, I will stop posting my incessant bullshit until next time.

Soooooo……Let’s all hope & cheer for a good weekend full of fun, clarity, kindness and affection. Oh, and sex. Lots and lots of sex.

**As an aside, Mr. OoT did text me last night. From his place. With his friend. Date must have ended early 😉 His final text to me was “Good night Grey. See you tomorrow?” Cute that he’s asking if I’m still planning on coming. If only he knew how much I worried that he’d cancel on me!

**updated to add that this morning started with a good morning and some flirty texts. His date last night (if there was one) must have sucked. His hot & cold with me is annoying, but I guess it’s commendable that he only flirts with one person at a time? Now don’t get your panties in a wad; my head is on fairly straight today. We’ll see how the weekend goes……

 

The Text April 25, 2018

While I was obsessing over Mr. OoT not responding to a text I had sent last night, I received a text! What do you know?! Oh wait, not from him. From a number that was no longer stored in my phone. From a number that I didn’t recognize with the message of ‘Wow, it’s been a really long time; almost a year. I was just thinking about you. If you don’t respond, I will understand and not contact you again’. Huh. No clue who it was from. No clue if it was someone I’d be happy to hear from or not. The fact that I had deleted their existence frim my phone did not bode well for them. I googled the phone number and came up with his web page. Huh. Interesting. Totally remember him and totally remember why I deleted him from my phone. I responded back and we ‘chatted’ for a bit. He was sweet and funny and complimentary (all MUCH needed yesterday). I told him I’d moved. I also explained that he was, indirectly, one of the reasons that I moved away. That the way I was approaching relationships was a bit fucked up (and still is, apparently). He apologized for being a flake and an asshole to me. I told him that he was forgiven. Life is just too damn short to hold grudges. He wants to see me. He asked that I please let him know next time that I’m in town. Who knows…… What could it hurt? Ha! Famous last words. As I have no plans to be back in his town until the fall, it’s sort of a non issue.

Nope, it wasn’t TD. It was Repo Man

 

Weekend Update April 23, 2018

One of my favorite gluttons for punishment readers, who has been with me since the amazingly icky TD days and has yet to tell me to piss off or thrown her smart phone out the window upon reading about yet another insane recap of my bad behavior contacted me this morning in search of an update on my weekend.  She gets to peek ‘behind the curtain’ at the ‘real’ Grey as, although we have never met in person, we are friends on FB.  And she still chooses to read my drivel!  And, just for the record, I am more ‘real’ on here than I ever would be on Facebook (the root of all evil).

 

I felt bad letting her know that my weekend with Mr. OoT isn’t until this coming weekend, not this past weekend.  Oh boo.  I do need to update on some things though.  Mr. OoT and I have been talking and texting since D Day.  I’ve not brought up anything about ‘us’ and we just exchange nonsense and U Tube music videos.  I decided to just swallow what’s left of my pride last night and just ask him.  I had already decided that I would NOT be trying to ‘sell’ myself to him.  That if he couldn’t figure it out on his own, then screw him.  Or not, as the case may be.  Our phone conversations are usually pretty distant and disconnected since ‘that day’.  Last night though, I had mentioned something that needed fixing at my house that I couldn’t figure out and he offered to come fix it for me.  From 2 hours away.  Interesting.  I had to re-ask him and he was all ‘of course I would’.  Uhm……

 

So, as we haven’t spent any time together in the past 3 weeks and our relationship has both evolved and devolved via phone, I was still unsure about what I actually wanted from him.  He, apparently, kind of feels the same way.  I asked him if he was back online.  He is.  I am not.  I asked him if he was completely closed off to the idea of ‘us’.  He is not.  HOWEVER, he wants to date around.  *sigh* Fucking Karma ….. I do not necessarily see that as a bad thing though.  While I don’t have much desire to sit across from yet another lame online coffee date, he does.  I can’t really fault him for that.

 

We talked at length.  I apologized for flip flopping on him about what I wanted.  I acknowledged that wasn’t very nice of me and must have left him pretty damn unsure about where he stood with me.  He apologized for making assumptions about me that aren’t accurate.  He completely rescinded the ‘unwavering’ or whatever the hell he called me.  He completely left it up to me on whether I would be okay with this or not.  I honestly have no idea how I feel about this, but told him that I would try my best and we could talk more when I come up there.  I know how my mind works and am not sure I will be able to keep my inner mean girl at bay.  The 1st time I call him and go to VM, my mind will start spinning.  I do think it’s only fair though.  I don’t know what I want from him at this point.  I do know that I at least want a chance to find out.  He is terrified of being in a relationship right now or making the wrong choice and getting hurt.  While I’m disappointed that he already went back online before seeing me, I can’t say that I’m surprised.  I did tell him that I think we have fun & adventures to be had.  He is still convinced that I am too good for him and will find someone way before he does.  I told him that it wasn’t a race and that I don’t know why he keeps discounting the fact that I have CHOSEN to take a chance on him.

 

Anyway, as of now I am planning on going up there on Friday for the weekend.  As a 3 day, 24 hour a day, 2nd date might be a lot to handle (for both of us), I have opted to get a hotel room.  He doesn’t know this.  I may or may not use it.  I just thought it was the best thing to do.  Oh, and best part of all this (by best, I of course mean worse)?  There will be no sex.  He doesn’t want to sleep around.  He wants to wait until he decides ‘who’ will be the lucky recipient of his penis.  Again, while I can understand the logic behind this, I do think I deserve 1st dibs.  It’s been a month.  We have insane chemistry.  I think it just prudent to test drive the goods before making any decisions.  He is pretty adamant about his new vow of celibacy.  I am pretty adamant on making him break that vow.  I may have to pull out the big guns ………..

 

** for those of you (you know who you are), who have stuck with me since the TD days, this whole concept of backtracking and dating around will sound familiar.  And a recipe for disaster.  I do think this is different.  I was 300% certain about TD.  We all know that I’m not 300% certain about anything these days……

 

What A Weekend, Part 2 April 18, 2018

So, ‘all is okay’ was how we ended the day. We’re good. I gave him a hard time, he laughed, he tried multiple times to justify his suspicion and I stuck to my guns. As an afterthought, I totally understood where he was coming from. I would have thought the same thing. I would have just asked though. I wish he would have. He didn’t. I thought we were good though. Little did I know he was keeping ‘score’….

As an aside, and to demonstrate my weird passive aggressiveness, I had planned to change my hair color back to blonde that day. Mr. OoT has only known me with dark hair. He thinks I look better as a blonde. As I was supposed to see him in less than 2 weeks, I decided to go back blonde to surprise him. When we got off the phone the 1st time (he has a weird way of taking other calls when we’re talking and I was annoyed), I was still pissed that he came at me so I put the blonde color away and dyed my hair darker than ever. Welcome to my world.

Anywhoo, forward to the next day and Mr. OoT unexpectedly had the day off from work. We texted off and on throughout the day. We were texting that night when he mentioned that he was driving, so I called him instead. The conversation was weird. He was standoffish and I, feeling pretty insecure and needy always at the time, was a bit of a difficult human to talk to. He brought up a couple of things and I had disagreed with his opinion. What else is new? We have some very different opinions on a multitude of things. We always have. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I didn’t think he did either. That night, however, he HATED that I disagreed and accused me of intentionally shitting on everything he was saying and ‘harshing his vibe’. Uh….. We ended up arguing AGAIN. I have no idea how it happened. When he told me he felt like I was shitting on him, I told him that wasn’t my intention and that his saying that totally hurt my feelings. He either intentionally or unintentionally misunderstood what I meant when I said that. It blew completely up and I was confused as hell. It was like trying to tread water with a 500lb weight tied to me. I saw where things were headed and tried my best to calm things down, but I seemed to just aggravate him more. Our conversation ended abruptly when he hung up on me. My mother used to do that to me all the time and I HATE IT. I also know that sometimes I deserve it. I texted a while later to ask if he was going to call me back and was rewarded with a curt ‘goodnight Grey’. Wow.

He sent me an equally curt ‘good morning Grey’ the next morning. As I hadn’t slept a wink the night before and was uber confused, pissed and hurt, I sent back ‘hi’. I received a ‘we need to talk’ text a while after that. That’s never good news. He called me when he got off work later that night. After a day of me penning different versions of what I wanted to say to him. They varied in degree of shitty and needy. I knew we needed to work on our communication styles. They don’t always mesh. I’ve tried to figure it out and tried to ‘do better’, but apparently I hadn’t.

When we finally spoke, he let me go 1st. I told him my concerns, I had hoped that I explained myself properly and that he would take it for how it was meant. That I liked him (I truly do) and wanted us to be able to figure these things out. That I didn’t think that his leaving town for 3 weeks right after we met was helping things. That phone conversations are different than in person conversations. That he seemed to run hot & cold. That I was feeling insecure in things. That I wanted to do better. That I wanted to understand some things that are a part of his life that are unfamiliar to me and how to better deal with them. Then it was his turn. And to make a long story short (oh wait, too late?), he dumped me. He thinks we’re too different. He thinks the 2 hour distance between us is too much. He wants me to be happy but doesn’t think he’s the one to do that. He’s apparently been keeping track for a while now. He had a whole list of things. Some accurate, some completely not. He hated that I accused him of calling me a liar (because, really, he did) in the previous day’s IG argument. He stated some very interesting/surface differences that he has extrapolated into huge negatives. The fact that I don’t like Game of Thrones (I don’t but was willing to watch with him as he loves it and, btw, who gives a fuck). The fact that I don’t like his favorite musical artist (I don’t; he sucks, but we like a million other artists). The fact that I’m a neat freak (I’m totally not). The fact that I’m unbending (what?). That he’s super inconsistent. That he’s super Libertarian. That he’s super chill & unorganized. All bullshit reasons. Then came the ‘real’ reason. The fact that he feels we just don’t match. We don’t. We’re complete opposites in some regards. In others though, we could basically share the same brain. I don’t view that as a negative. He does. Kind of heartbreaking to hear.

What I KNOW FOR A FACT he was really saying was that he didn’t think we’d make it long term, that he thinks I’ll dump him at some point down the road, that he’s unwilling to try for fear of it not working out and that he doesn’t want to get his heart broken. I know these things because he’s mentioned them all in the past. It’s funny (not really), that when he’s said in the past that he thinks I’ll figure out he’s not the one for me 6 months down the road and he can’t go through that heartbreak, I always (ALWAYS) knew that he had it backwards….

Of course, me being me, I tried to convince him that we could work. That differences aren’t necessarily bad. That we balance each other. That I need more ‘carefree’ in my life. That how on earth can we have such amazing conversations that last forever, yet he think we can’t/won’t work? That how on earth can you opt out of something before even giving it a chance to start? That I didn’t want this. That I want to try and work on this. That I think we, at the very least, should give this a shot. That why, when there is even the slightest possibility of finding happiness with someone, he wouldn’t want to try? He was very measured and even in his responses. He was pretty disconnected. I think he’s been planning this. I think he picked those fights on purpose. I think he was trying to force my hand. He just doesn’t want to try. He is convinced we won’t work. He is convinced he’s not the one for me (he never says that I’m not the one for him). He pulled out the ever infuriating poular ‘It’s me, not you’ line (one of these days I’m going to seriously throat punch a guy for this). He still wants us to be able to talk though. I told him that I wasn’t sure how that would work for me as I’d be wanting something more. I’m pretty sure he picked those fights with me the 2 days prior on purpose to test me. Pretty sure he’s been testing me all along and I’ve been failing. Boo.

How on earth did we go from planning trips together, both being excited about our plans for 2 weeks from now, his invitation for me to come to his family reunion and a million other things to ‘nope, not even gonna try’ within the span of 3 days?

This happened 2 nights ago. We texted a bit later that night and yesterday. I tried, again, to talk him into giving us a chance. I then decided that I was being a huge loser trying to convince someone of my worth. His last text to me was:

This is hard for me too, Grey. I’m hurting as well. I think you’re amazing and want you to find true love. I just don’t think that I’m the one for you and this will get harder the more attached I get.

And I’ve been crying ever since………….

**while I completely know how different we are and have big concerns about things, I am also surprised by how FUCKING sad I am by this. I’m not mad in the least. I’m kind of heart broken. I don’t think I truly realized how attached I was until this happened. I’m a pretty closed off person by nature. He knows more about me than most. He has still chosen to not give us a chance. He has tried to blame it on me with his reasoning. I know it’s his defense mechanism. I know the real reason. Still, the amount of tears that I’ve shed is unexpected. I wish I’d let him in sooner 😦

 

What A Weekend, Part 1 April 17, 2018

And no, before anyone goes and gets excited about anything, I don’t mean ‘what an amazing weekend’. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

Last you heard, Mr. OoT was giving me the silent treatment. He opted to end the silence with a phone call. A phone call consisting of a prepared speech coming at me with both barrels. Uh, what the hell did I do? Apparently it was 2 fold. He had seen an IG pic I posted wishing a friend’s son a happy birthday. It was a cute pic of the 2 of us with a funny, inside joke caption about his being the start of most Sunday Funday bad decisions. Totally innocuous to me as he’s a whopping 28 years old, looks about 18 and he, his mom & I go Sunday Funday drinking more than we should (in frequency AND volume consumed). Mr. OoT saw the pic and caption and assumed I was seeing him. Instead of just asking me about the photo he spent the day stewing and creating scenarios in his head.

The next thing he did was log onto Plenty of Fish. Nope, not to look for women, but to check my profile and see when I was on last. For god knows what reason, POF said I was on 2 days prior and he assumed (wrongly) that I was still dating around. I haven’t been. I haven’t been on there since before I went to see Mr. OoT. Btw, he knew about Mr. England. I called him and told him after I broke things off. He said he felt bad for Mr. England, but was happy to hear it. I stopped short of telling Mr. OoT that he was the only one I was interested in seeing, but figured he knew.  My bad.

Anyway, after the little phone tirade, I corrected Mr. OoT on all issues. It was a pretty intense call for many reasons. It seemed like he was trying to end things, but after talking it out all seemed okay. I even asked if we were good and he said yes, we were.

Or so he said………