The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Berger April 14, 2018

Remember that episode from Sex In The City where Carrie gets dumped by John Berger via post-it note? So shitty, right? Completely cowardly. Well, I’m Berger, Mr. England is Carrie and the post-it note is a text message. Oh yes I did.

Mr. England messaged me yesterday to see if I could meet for coffee. Last minute. Again. I opted not to respond (because I’m completely immature and passive aggressive). Over the course of the next few hours came 4 more text messages consisting of the perfectly annoying combination of needy and passive aggressive from him. I didn’t respond to any. Then came the snide ‘so, do you want to go to the party on Sunday or are you ‘busy’ again’? Okay, enough already. Time to put on my big girl pants and do the right thing. Well, do the right thing in a completely cowardly and lame way.

I responded by ignoring all of his original messages, lying that I had my phone off (don’t ask me why) and letting him know it would be best if I passed on the party on Sunday. Then I sent a 2nd text. One letting him know that although I thought he was a terrific guy, the fact that he’s a shitty kisser was a deal breaker for me. What? Okay, no, that’s not what I said (only in my head). I told him that I think he’s great, but that in re-thinking our conversations when we last met, I thought it was for the best that we no longer see each other. Sure, I could have just told him that I wasn’t feeling it, but I didn’t want to make him feel bad. Right or wrong, that’s how my mind works. I then sat back and waited for the inevitable shitty message back from him.

It didn’t come. What did arrive was a concerned, ‘was it something I said?’. An understanding ‘you seemed reluctant to move forward’ and a sad emoji face (of course there was an emoji). I sent back ‘no worries, it’s all for the best; I hope you find someone wonderful’. He then sent back a ‘U2’ with a kissy emoji.

He is a good guy. A needy, unsure, shitty kissing good guy. I can’t say for certain if everything else would have been forgiven if he was a good kisser, but I assume (knowing me and the kissing whore that I am) that it might have been. As he’s not and I don’t love creepy emojis, like I told him; It’s for the best ………

 

Old Friends Emerge April 13, 2018

And by ‘old friends’ I of course mean the hottie from Tinder that unmatched me a couple of weeks back. The one that I ridiculously thought had unmatched me because I had written a rather unflattering blog post about him & figured the universe gave him a heads up. Right. I’m just that dumb sometimes.

Anyway, yesterday I reactivated my Tinder account and who do you think my 1st match was? Of course it was him. As I’m convinced that, since this is 3 times now, that the universe (and not the ridiculously small dating pool in my town) is basically giving me the thumbs up to just do him meet him already and stop dragging my feet.

He sends me a ‘hello beautiful’ and that’s where our love story began. Or at least was supposed to. We were going to meet for drinks last night. He said he’d be off work by 5. We messaged back and forth all day. At 3:30, I asked him if he had decided on a bar yet. He said no, he was still swamped with work. Whatever. I had a feeling he was going to chicken out. And he did. I texted him at 4 and let him know that although I had been looking forward to meeting him that night, that I don’t do last minute and as he hadn’t actually nailed down details, I had made other plans. Then I wished him a good night while mentally flipping him the fuck off.

As I already looked cute as hell, I decided to take myself out to dinner. I went to a favorite spot that I haven’t been to in months and grabbed a seat at the bar. Not only did the bartender remember me and my cocktail of choice, but also commented on my hair being a different color. Huh. Nice ego boost.

While I was at dinner I had 3 things happen:

1. Mr. England texted to see if I was free @ 8:30pm. Seriously? I sent back “uh, no, I already have plans with someone who plans in advance. And p.s. your learning curve regarding this seems kinda slow” dumbass

2. Some random guy plops down next to me and proceeds to hit on me. This shit never happens.

3. Mr Tinder says he’s free all weekend (no apology for being a flake, btw). I haven’t responded.

All in all, I’d call today a total #win for my ego!

 

D Day Recap April 12, 2018

Well, that didn’t go quite as planned.  I kind of suck.  A lot.  He didn’t annoy me at all with text messages and weird emojis at all yesterday.  Because he didn’t send any.  And I was glad.  They annoy me.  A lot.  I got to the bar that he chose (on his side of town, btw) before he did and grabbed a couple of seats and ordered a drink.  In he walks.  Dressed TOTALLY nice and cool.  What?  No schleppy active wear or shiny soccer pants?  He actually put some effort in.  Damn it, he cleans up well.  He sat down and we started talking and he was totally normal.  And not annoying.  Until he ordered an uber girly drink.  Well, not Frozen Strawberry Chi Chi girly, but something with heavy cream and cinnamon.  Lovely that I drink more manly cocktails than he does.

 

So we’re talking and I’m running through things in my head and thinking maybe this isn’t so bad.  We talk about his work, his travels, his likes, his dislikes, his day, his house, his ……. well, you get the idea.  He then stops himself from yammering on about himself and asks me a few questions.  I’m a listener by nature and as I know that, by and large, people like to talk about themselves a lot, I’m okay with just listening.  He pointed that out to me and told me that I am not like most women.  Well no shit.  I’m not.  I’m a bit of a fucked up puzzle that I am fine with no one being able to figure out.  Yet.

 

Anyway, I knew what I needed to do but for some reason didn’t.  He then invited me to a party on Sunday being thrown by some friends of his.  And I kind of want to go.  Not sure why.  We talked about where ‘he is’ as far as relationships go.  That he has no idea what he wants.  I told him as much and that he needs to date around and figure it out.  Try on different women for size.  Kick some tires.  This was the perfect opportunity for me to tell him that I just wasn’t feeling it.  I didn’t.  I assumed (rather wrongly), that he was telling me that we could just see each other occasionally.  The perfect way to fade into the sunset without actually needing to hurt his feelings.  I should know better.

 

He walked me to my car and gave me a big hug.  Oh, okay, maybe I wasn’t wrong.  And then he kissed me.  A weird, un passionate, tongueless kiss.  He has a strange thing he does where there is the tongueless kiss and then he sighs and rubs his nose up against mine.  I swear to god, it’s the least sexy thing ever.  Perfect time to tell him, right?  I didn’t.  And am kicking myself today as the incessant text messages and overuse of emojis has started up again.

 

I’m totally telling him on Sunday……..No, really.  WTF is wrong with me?

 

Pretty Sure D Day Is Tomorrow April 10, 2018

Well what the hell does the D stand for? Decision day? Dreaded day? Dumping day? Doubtful day? Could be any of these things. Could be all of them wrapped up into one.

I’ve been trying to give Mr. England the benefit of the doubt and to make sure it’s not just Mr. OoT clouding my judgement, but he seems to be annoying me more and more.

Yesterday was a string of needy text message. Complete with the overuse of emojis. No, seriously. It’s just weird. Here is a screenshot of just a few of yesterday’s messages.

He would text, give me about 32 seconds to respond and then text again. I eventually just stopped responding. Then it happened. That damn fucking clown emoji that I have asked him not to send me. So weird. He then layed his cards on the table and told me that although he knows he’s being pushy, he just really likes me and can’t tell what I am thinking. Well damn. Uh….

We had plans to see a movie tomorrow night, but as I am not excited about the prospect of fending off his groping attempts (and I’m fresh out of mouse-traps), I just asked if we could meet for drinks instead. I KNOW he wanted to go to the movies again for just that reason. It’s like dating a 13 year old…

I guess I have a decision to make….

 

Sunday Thoughts April 8, 2018

I swear he doesn’t mean to come off so creepy (or maybe he does), but I think I’m going to need to ask Mr. England about his overuse of emojis and uber disconcerting text messages. Oh, and why the hell he doesn’t use his tongue when kissing. I have that one narrowed down to a few possibilities:

1) He’s a germaphobe

2) He doesn’t know any better

3) No one has ever told him how weird it is

I have a feeling that if we ever do sleep together that he will

1) make me shower 1st

2) not be very creative

3) minimal foreplay 😦

Anyway, he sent me a text last night. I had told him that I have a migraine. He sent back:

Aww, poor baby. I wish I was there to rub your temples (and other things) *string of weird emojis*

See what I mean? I know, I know. You’re all wondering why I continue to see him if I feel this way. Guess I’m waiting to discover if there is something I’m missing? I want to give him the chance to prove me wrong? I want to make sure it’s not just Mr. Out of Town clouding my judgement?

We are going to the movies on Wednesday night, so I guess we’ll see. Not really a fan of movie dates, but assuming he feels it is the best way to get to grope me?

 

Footnotes April 7, 2018

Filed under: aura,bumble,dating,internet dating,karma,online dating,plenty of fish,single,texting,tinder — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:16 pm

*found this in my drafts folder as I apparently never posted it real time after our 1st date/slumber party*

Fun times abounded on Monday. We know that. Insecurity abounded yesterday. We know that too. My mind works in odd ways. We ALL know that. I’m thinking back to Monday, both good and bad, with Mr. OoT. As we all love a good list (or at least I do), here you go:

  1. So strange having a 1st date involve a 14 year old boy. Wait, that sounded weird.
  2. We did everything that Mr. OoT wanted (-)
  3. It was cold, windy and muddy out. We continued to play Disc Golf. (-)
  4. He questioned me on a lot of things. All good but maybe an underlying tone of distrust? (+/-)
  5. We went on a long walk with PLENTY of opportunities to hold my hand or show any other sign of romantic interest. (-)
  6. He talked thru Game of Thrones. He likes to ‘teach’. Although I like to learn, not sure I like to be ‘taught’ (-)
  7. After we went into my room to ‘talk’, he told me that he had it all worked out in his head, on the 2 hour drive to see me, how he was going to ‘let me down nicely’ when I inevitably tried to sleep with him. Uhm, what? (-)
  8. Women hit on him ALL the time (-)
  9. ALL the time (-)
  10. He has apparently never been shot down for sex until me (+)
  11. He kept making sure I was alright with everything and comfortable (+)
  12. He got up to get us water (and check on his son – again, how WEIRD that his son was right outside the door) (+)
  13. He made the bed in the morning (+)
  14. Mr. OoT snores. LOUDLY. He feels terrible about keeping me awake (for the 2 hours we tried to sleep). Like seriously feels BAD and is wondering how to ‘fix’ that in the future so I can sleep (-/+)
  15. He encouraged me to keep my hair dark while dating. This is because he thinks I look better as a blonde. FUNNY! (+)
  16. He is VERY appreciative of some of my skills. As we both kept pants on, I hope he’s suitably impressed with my (rather good) skills below the waist as well (+)
  17. He is amazed/impressed/in love with/astounded by my triple Ds and had NO CLUE, the entire day, that I possessed such ‘gifts’ (+)
  18. He says really dumb shit sometimes. I mean, REALLY dumb shit. (-)

Here are some questions in my head. Yey, a 2nd list!!

  1. What was this prepared speech he was going to give me if I decided to hit on him? What were his reasons going to be? Pretty sure it would be some variation of ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ as he’s already told me that. Funny thing is, when he told me that, he also said it was because he didn’t want me to decide, 6 months down the road that HE wasn’t what I wanted. Interesting. Anyway, I find it hysterical that he had pre-planned this ‘let down’ when he was the one to advance things.
  2. When I asked him what it was that made him change his mind about getting physical with me, he said it was my boobs (-) (while I’m sure he was kidding, I probably need to clarify)
  3. How fucking needy do I have to be? He’s already told me he thinks I’m awesome in just about every way, why more questions?

Gah!

 

Well That Didn’t Last Long….

NO sooner do I send out my last post into the universe than Mr. England proves me wrong by pulling out some very pervy and inappropriate ‘English’ humor.  Believe me, I use the term humor loosely.  We all know that he’s a BIG fan of the emoji.  Like more than a 13 year old girl would use.  He’s always used the kissy winky emoji.  To his arsenal lately he has added a clown (what the fuck?), a big red pair of lips, hearts and his latest and greatest; a bed emoji.  Again, what the fuck?  He filled me in on the new furniture that he purchased yesterday.  A dining room table & chairs, a few end tables, some lamps and “a new bed frame – very sturdy” followed by some weirdly unsettling emojis.  I fully ‘get’ that if I was totally into him that these little oddities probably wouldn’t bother me.  Guess what?  They do.  I find them creepy.  I can almost hear his lascivious laugh when I see them.

 

He invited me to go hot tubbing last night.  To be clear, the invitation came in promptly at 6pm for later that night.  I’ve told him several times that I’m a planner and that if he wants to be able to see me, asking in advance is usually the best way to guarantee that I don’t already have plans (which I did).  I told him I wasn’t able and suggested that he call in a ‘2nd stringer’ to join him.  He said that was a fabulous idea then almost immediately followed it up with ‘there’s only one gal for me and she’s always freaking busy’.  Assuming he meant me.  Not sure why he finds it so hard to plan/invite me in advance.

 

Eanie Meanie…… April 6, 2018

Now, if you promise not to throw your computers out the window, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Ready?  I hid my online profiles.  Oh, what?  You’re not surprised?  Oh well.  Here’s the thing.  There are 2 men interested in me right now.  That hasn’t happened in years.  It just feels greedy and insincere to keep looking right now.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that either of these guys is ‘my one’, I just can’t see myself sitting across from yet another random online guy making small talk.  K, now, back to my men.  I am polar opposites with one and they are polar opposites of each other.  In theory that would mean that Mr. England and I are very similar.  Okay, so we are.  Whatevs.  Here’s a quick comparison of the 2:

 

Mr. England: we actually have very similar backgrounds.  He’s funny and sweet and has a pretty damn interesting life.  He also only apparently dresses in athletic wear.  Like those shiny shorts and pants things.  Me no likee.  We laugh and talk and I make him completely nervous.  How do I know this?  Well, I asked him.  And he told me so.  He is super recently divorced and brand spanking new to online dating.  He has no clue what he wants and I take every advantage of this fact to freak him out.  He’s apparently a nervous wreck about ‘liking’ anyone.  I have tried to let him know that it’s brand new.  He should keep looking.  We can keep dating, it doesn’t have to mean anything at this point.  It’s much more fun, however, to profess my undying love to him and talk of ‘our’ future together and watch the look of panic in his eyes.  It’s kind of funny.  And I’m a bitch, so I keep doing it.  What’s totally funny though is that each time I see him, he backs off more from making any inappropriate moves.  He certainly tried on movie night (date #1) but not since then.  I know he likes me.  He knows he likes me.  I know I should like him more than I do.  I know that, head to head, he is the ‘better’ choice for me.  I’m just not sure that I’m sexually attracted to him.  Boo.

 

Mr. Out Of Town:  yes, you all know about him ad nauseum.  What you don’t know is how sweet he is.  What good talks we have.  How he’s trying really hard to ‘listen’ to what I say.  He realizes how different we are.  I broke one of my beloved crystals today.  Well, it actually shattered into a million pieces and it kind of freaked me out.  When I told him about it, he not only understood and empathized, but suggested I save all the pieces and we could leave one in each exotic destination that ‘we’ visit.  Very sweet.  He wants to work on improving our communication.  Today, in the mail, I received a copy of ‘The 5 Love Languages’.  I had mentioned the book when I last saw him and we were on completely different pages in the same discussion.  He bought a copy for himself too.  I think he really wants to try to figure out how to be a better version of himself.  Not quite so self involved.  To talk less and listen more.  Anyway, I’m ridiculously excited to read the book.  Pretty sure I know which ‘Love Language’ I am, but will be super cool to see and, moreso, to find out what he thinks his is (I already know what his is).

 

On paper, Mr. England is the one for me.  My hormones tell me otherwise.  It’s not like I have to choose either anytime soon, so this post isn’t about that, but as I was sitting at coffee today with Mr. England, hating what he was wearing, loving our conversations and being way too amused by the panic I see in his eyes, I was wondering why I don’t want to jump him like I do every SINGLE time I see (or even think about) Mr. Out of Town.  The thought of Mr. England continuing to online date doesn’t bother me one bit.  No, seriously, it doesn’t.  We all know how much the thought of Mr. Out of Town continuing to date makes me insane.

 

Oh well, until push comes to shove, I will continue to see them both.  And let them fight over me.  Okay, that was WAY more self  confident that I would ever be.  It is kinda nice knowing that there are 2 men out there that think I’m pretty terrific though.  Who knew?

 

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is April 4, 2018

You remember Tinder guy, right?  The one that I hooked up with and then never expected to hear from again.  The one that texted me 2 weekends ago inviting me up to visit him in his hometown.  The one that was actually quite good in bed even though slightly overconfident.  He was a good time.  Nice and friendly and easy to be around.  Let’s be honest though, I needed to get laid.  And he obliged.

 

I heard from him today.  He again invited me to come see him.  Either in his home town or to meet him in a neighboring state where he would be on business.  As I have not one thing planned this coming weekend, I told him so.  I told him that I was all his for the weekend and if he flew me up to see him, there would be fun for all to be had.  He immediately backtracked.  Said he had his kids this weekend.  That he was in the middle of rugby season.  Uhm, so?  He then changed his tune to maybe just a lunchtime rendezvous next time he’s in town (2 weeks).  Huh.

 

What the fuck?  Did he expect for ME to buy my own plane ticket?  I think not.  If he does the inviting, then he also gets the pleasure of paying for my travel.  Makes it more whore-esque that way, don’t you think? 😉

 

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Wait, There’s More March 30, 2018

Filed under: aura,bumble,dating,internet dating,karma,online dating,plenty of fish,single,texting,tinder — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:48 am

So not 3 seconds after I published yesterday’s post about our coffee date, I received a follow up text from Mr. English wanting to know if I was available to see a movie last night.  As my options were either to see him last night or wait another 2+ weeks, I just felt the prudent move would be to go to the movies!  So I did.  Lucky him.

 

I met him at a theatre about midway between our homes and we proceeded to watch the worst movie ever.  Weird, fantastical, a little porn-y, stupid and annoying.  I hated just about everything about it.  Not sure Mr. English even attempted to watch any of it as he was so busy trying to move his hand, that was sitting on my knee, upward.  I’m all for a little touchy feely during a movie, but as whorish as I seem to be these days, I did just meet him yesterday and actually kind of liked him.  He was persistent, that’s for sure.  Too bad he had no idea who he was up against.  I won.  My strategically well placed hand blockers were getting their workout, but it was okay.  He wasn’t completely pervy about it.

 

After the movie, he walked me to my car and asked if I wanted to do anything else.  As I was fairly certain what his ‘anything else’ meant, I declined.  A 2 hour coffee date and then 3 hour movie & groping date was about all I had in me last night.  So of course, being the classy gal that I am, we just stood by my car and made out for a while.  He’s an ‘interesting’ kisser, to say the least.  Not sure if it’s an English thing or not, but he didn’t seem to be a big fan of using his tongue.  What?  It was kinda weird.  There are very few things that I am completely confident in, but I am a GREAT kisser.  No, seriously, I’m really good and know this because I have been told this a LOT.  What can I say, I know my shit.  I found myself completely at a loss for what to do with my tongue, however.  If he’s not using his during a full, open mouthed kiss, do I just keep mine tucked back?  Ugh, so annoying.  Kissing is supposed to be fun!  It’s not a fucking logic puzzle.

 

Anyway, after a bit of that and a few more minutes of block the wandering hands, I sent him on his way.  He sent me a couple texts later last night and I assume I’ll see him again, but won’t be heartbroken if I don’t.  Kind of a shame as he’s a great guy.  Kinda think he figured I was an easy mark (which I apparently am these days).  Not flattering.

 

I called my in town BFF on the way home to fill her in.  She replied with a simple and not completely unwarranted “whore”.  She, like myself, has NO CLUE what the hell is going on to make me so popular this month.  Eh, why try to figure it out?  I got home, changed clothes and called Mr. OoT.  I get to see him on Saturday.  And on Monday.  Kind of excited.

 

**I don’t know when the last time was that I kissed 3 different men in one week.  Pretty sure the age started with a 2 however**

 

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