43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

I’m A Good Cook July 28, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:47 am

You know what the true sign of a good cook is? It’s someone who can make something out of nothing. Someone who can take seemingly disjointed and random ingredients and turn them into something good.

I’ve not always been a good cook. There has been more than a few times where I have put mismatched ingredients together, known something wouldn’t taste right and yet forced myself to like it. Or, better yet, tried to force someone else into liking it.

Ingredients are a funny thing, like people, you can make some great things out of mismatched items. You can also make some exceptionally unappetizing ones.

I have a history (with men) of trying to force things. Not on myself, but I have spent more than my share of ridiculously soul crushing time trying to talk guys into dating me. So fucking lame on my part. I get the whole, if he can’t see your worth, then he’s not worth it thing, but yet it continues. The last notable (and by notable I mean humiliating) one was at the beginning of the year with The Paramedic. Ugh. Of course the most damaging one was TD, 5(ish) years ago. I’ve done it a lot though and have the blog posts to prove it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t run around town trying to mate with every male I encounter as there are far more guys that I turn down than turn down me. It’s just when I find that HIGHLY elusive chemistry thing with someone, I am reluctant to let it go. Yup, even if that chemistry is just one sided. Boo.

Mr. OoT asked me when we started dating. I couldn’t really answer with a specific date. Sure, I have the blog posts to document the 1st time we exchanged online messages, the 1st time we met, the 1st time he dumped me, the 1st time I invited myself to try and fix things, etc…. but I have no idea what to count as the start of ‘us’. Our relationship is just so weird with him living 2 hours away AND working out of state 2 weeks a month. We are the relationship embodiment of a roller coaster. Seriously. Things have improved A LOT since the beginning, but we’ve still got our issues. Doesn’t everyone though?

I’ve been thinking long term lately. Not sure why. Mr. OoT and I absolutely do better in person than we do long distance. We both have idiosyncrasies that could/would/might drive the other insane though if it was a different setup. Like living together. I know that I sell him short a lot and tend to fixate on the negatives with him. I also know that I’m no picnic to deal with. I can be moody, needy, stubborn and snarky. I’ve lived alone a looooong time.

The last fight I picked with him, he said ‘maybe cat people should be with cat people and dog people should be with dog people’. Figuratively speaking of course as neither of us are cat people, but the message was clear. And I proceeded to argue against that theory….

My heart genuinely dropped when I read that text (btw, I HATE having text ‘discussions’). Not sure what we’re doing, but do I really have to figure it all out right now?

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I’m an Ass July 24, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:19 pm

I know, big surprise for everyone right? I wrote the other day that Mr. OoT doesn’t get it when it comes to business. My business. And he doesn’t. And that’s okay. Today he offered to buy me a plane ticket to get to where I need to be to take care of things. Sweet and generous as hell. While I would never take him up on it, it means a lot that the offer was made. He knows I’ve been stressed out about money lately. While he pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck, he still offered to dip into his stash to try and help alleviate some of my worries.

He may not know how to give me business advice, but he does know how to be surprisingly supportive. I should probably stop selling him short.

As a change of pace, I’VE been the shit show this week. Pretty much the living embodiment of everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Just call me Murphy. I have not had a shittier 4 day run in ages! And, because feeling completely out of control on all things shitshow isn’t a good place to be for a Type A control freak to be, I opted to control one thing. And picked a fight with OoT. A big one……

 

The Photo July 18, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,family,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:05 pm

Mr. OoT and I got some super photos with each other during my/his last visit. Too bad that’s not what this post is about.

Remember the drama queen shit stirring niece of Mr. OoT and the shitty thing she did? Yeah, that’s what this post is regarding.

There were 13 of us in the front room of Mr. OoT’s place. Cramped is an understatement. Most people were sitting on the floor. Not me. I don’t do floors. I was sitting in a chair about 6″ from the front of Mr. OoT’s fridge. That was sort of my spot that weekend. Mr. OoT keeps lots of photos on the front of his fridge that I like to look at. While I’ve never actually moved the photos to see if there were any hidden gems, I loved the photos I could see. They were of Mr. OoT and his kids and they were very sweet. He and his daughter. He and his son. His son and his daughter….you get the idea.

Not that day. Heaven knows where she found it, but when I turned my head to look at the photos the one that stared back at me was of Mr. OoT smiling away with the 5 year girlfriend and her family. What the fuck?

To be clear, everyone has a past. Duh. Everyone has exes. This wasn’t a photo of any of the kids’ moms. It wasn’t a photo containing any of Mr. OoT’s family. It was just Mr. OoT, his ex and her family. Two questions came to mind: #1) why the hell is that photo still around and not filed away somewhere and #2) why the HELL is it center stage on the fridge & staring me in the face?

I have never felt that ‘her’ and Mr. OoT’s story was over. They’ve dated 3 separate times over a 25 year period. He has NO closure on the situation. Their breakup was sudden and weird. Although he tells me there is no way he’d get back with her and that he’s way more into me than he ever was with her, I don’t fully buy it.

Anyway, 2 of his sisters were in earshot when I reactively said ‘what the fuck?’. The spirit animal sister completely understood. The other sister didn’t get it. Dumbass. She was all ‘It’s only a photo and they did date for 5 years’. Uh, sure thing dipshit, I get that, but WHY should I have to look at this photo? The shit stirring neice who did it was all ‘I think it’s a cute photo of everyone’. Again, what the fuck? She knew it wad his ex in the pic. They had met several times. She knew exactly what she was doing. I just can’t figure out why….

Anyway, you know who else didn’t get why I was upset? Mr. OoT. Super. He was all team ‘ it’s just a picture ‘ and could not get it through his head why I was upset about it a) still being anywhere but in a drawer somewhere and b) staring me right in the face on the front of his fridge.

I asked him how he would feel if I had a photo of me, my ex and his family still stuck to my fridge. He said he wouldn’t care. Right. This from the guy who assumed I was seeing someone else and got pissed when I posted a pic of myself and my bff’s son on Instagram….. I was super annoyed at that point and opted to take my dog for an extended walk. I avoided being in the kitchen the rest of the day.

Best part of the whole thing? When he brought it up again hours & hours later when we were lying in bed, I was still trying to get him to understand why it upset me. He asked, I shit you not, if I wanted him to take it down. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!? It was still up there!!! I was dumbfounded to hear that he (or anyone else) hadn’t taken it down earlier.

Gah….

 

On This Day….. July 17, 2018

You know how FB sends you ‘memories’ from previous years? Some are amazing memories and bring a smile to my face. Some make me think and realize how things have changed. There’s the whole remembrance of outings with friends. Of good times had. Of evolutions made. Of changes in circumstances. Then again, once every blue moon you get a ‘memory’ that you wish they wouldn’t have sent. From eight years ago:

some jack-hole from match (yes, i know) just sent me this: “I’m not married by choice. Ur a 42 yo w-no kids never married. Lol
Very odd for a woman. You better work on yourself. Who d want advice from u. I just re looked@your pics. I saw them hours ago. No wonder I forgot them. What a AVE looking plain jane. Not enough booze in AZ for me to date u. I wouldn’t walk across the ST. to say hi to u ! Get over your extremely ave self. You’re somebodys 10. Lol. Your a 5-6 to me. I date8s. Commit to 9s. There’s not a plastic surgeon ,that can get u to a 7! Lol”

Uhm, what the fuck? I’m wracking my brain to try to remember this guy or what the circumstances were to deserve such an awesome message, but I can’t. And that’s probably a good thing.

Ahhh, online dating. How I love you so. Not.

NEVER LET ANYONE DEFINE YOUR SELF WORTH! This took me a looooong time to fully embrace. I’m pretty sure this message knocked me on my ass for a few days back then (and might actually still if I were to receive this message today). Looks are just looks. Superficial assholes are just superficial assholes. I can only hope that Karma has done it’s work on this idiot.

 

Whatever THIS Is…. July 16, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,family,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,single,sunday funday,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:40 am

Mr. OoT likes to preface any discussion of ‘us’ by referring to our dating/relationship as ‘whatever THIS is that we’re doing’. It’s so weird. I know he says it that way for my benefit as he’s trying not to freak me out and cause me to run away, but c’mon.

He asked me the other day about steps. As in ‘the next step in whatever this is we’re doing’. He’s big on steps. I told him we could start by his NOT saying ‘whatever this is’ whenever he talks about ‘us’. He asked what he should categorize us as. Uhm, we’re dating. And unless he has someone on the side that I’m unaware of, we’re dating exclusively. Ergo, a relationship. Gasp! I could almost hear him grinning through the phone.

I asked him what he refers to me as to others. He said he calls me his amazing girlfriend. Good man. I call him by his name and say he’s the man I’m seeing. Boyfriend just doesn’t roll off the tongue normally for me at age 50.

Anywhoo, things are good. Although he opted to be away for work for 3 weeks this time instead of 2 without even thinking to mention it to me prior, he was completely open and engaged when I pointed out that most of our challenges happen when he’s away. He’s disconnected which, in turn, makes me disconnected. I asked what we could do to work on that and he suggested, all on his own, that even though we text multiple times a day, that we speak on the phone every 2 days. I thought that a great idea and promptly assumed he’d forget. So far, he makes sure to call me every 2 days…impressive.

My eyes were opened to a few things during his family’s visit. The opinionated, unwavering, opposing viewpointed man that he is now is actually an upgraded version on how he has been in the past. He even said to me ‘this is about as good as it gets. If you’re hoping for bigger changes, I’d appreciate you breaking up with me now as I’m getting very attached.”

Maybe it’s my viewpoint and expectations that need to change. People don’t change who they inherently are. He is who he is. It’s up to me to either adjust or not. He’s trying. He’s doing his best to make me happy. He is kind, good hearted and affectionate towards me. That’s a pretty good thing and I’m getting a little attached myself….

 

Because I Think I’m Funny…. July 13, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:32 am

Yesterday’s text to Mr. OoT. I’m blue, he’s red…..

 

So This Is Love…..

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:00 am

No, not me you big nimrods. Mr. OoT’s family! They love me! Duh. I was only sort of socially awkward around them. Apparently not enough to deter their love of me as they told Mr. OoT to try not to fuck it up with me! Haha!

I was super nervous to meet his out of state daughter. The fact that she is still close to Mr. OoT’s most recent girlfriend of 5 years and was staying with her certainly didn’t help. What can I say? She’s amazing. She’s just 21 years old (I think), married and has an adorable baby. Well adjusted, head on straight, kind, smart, caring and funny. And she rides Mr. OoT for the same things I do. Hard to believe she came from Mr. OoT’s DNA. I can’t say enough good things about her & I won’t bore you with the details, but Mr. OoT told me that she said she liked me much more than she thought she would and begged him to keep his crazy tucked in so as not to scare me away. 😉

I also met his favorite sister for the 1st time and all I can say there is that she very well may be my spirit animal. How she & Mr. OoT came from the same parents I will never understand. She’s brilliant, logical, witty and has a shit ton of opposing viewpoints to Mr. OoT. She likes that I call him out on his shit. That I’m not like any of his past girlfriends (duh). That she sees a change in him.

Mr. OoT is trying. He really is. He’s cut back on the weed consumption and didn’t get high once while I was there (BIG step for him). I think he finally ‘heard’ me when I said that his personality is different towards me when high, that it’s not doing his memory (or lack thereof) any favors and that I liked him better when he’s not stoned. The fact that he didn’t get high with his family (which apparently is a bonding thing?) was HUGE. I’d never ask him to stop completely (although I’d love it if he did), but I did ask him not to do it when I’m around. Especially considering he told me he wouldn’t at the very beginning and then proceeded to. Every. Single. Time. Instead of calling me closed minded and getting defensive like he has in the past, we discussed and he listened. Major step for him.

Now, back to the family. He has some BIG personalities in his family. Including a shit stirring, exhausting 20 year old drama queen of a niece. She has a LOT going on in that head of hers and she likes to share it with the world. I liked her when I met her and kinda ‘got’ why she is the way she is. She did however opt to do something SUPER shady while I was there and thinks that no one knows it was her. Sorry hun, I know. And I’m none too pleased by it. Not sure why she did what she did, but it was a direct hit and the source of the one disagreement that Mr. OoT and I had. It was an intentional poke at me and bordered on cruel, so my ‘like’ of her waned after that night. I’ll chalk it up to being an angsty drama queen who likes to make others feel as uncomfortable as she does, but still. She knew what she was doing and it kind of flabbergasted me.

Aside from that one ‘blip’, it was a good time. Mr. OoT was super affectionate, we had some great talks and I enjoyed meeting so much of his family.

After 7 straight days of people, activities, lack of sleep and more people though, I was ready for a break. Being an introvert at heart added to the whole empath thing, I was exhausted. Physically and mentally. 7 days of nonstop people is a lot for me. Before I headed home on that last day though, me, Mr. OoT, his daughter and her son (Mr. OoT hates being referred to as a grandfather) ran errands. Target, Costco (twice), gas station, car wash and lunch. All non exciting every day errands. Just the 3.5 of us. And it was the BEST day of the whole time there……