43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Pierced Ears September 19, 2018

Mr OoT is away for 3 weeks again. It was only supposed to be 2 weeks, but they need him to stay an extra week. It’s the right thing for him to do. Of course, me being me, I’m bummed because he was going to come see me this weekend. Not happening.

 

We discussed my going to see him next weekend when he returns. That’s not happening either. I had a job come up and I can’t turn down the money or risk losing the client in the future. Boo.

 

Mr. OoT and I are headed for a week’s vacation in about 14 days. 7 days of being on the beach. 7 days in my happy place. Looks like we won’t see each other until then though.

 

We talk often. Like multiple times a day. And it’s not always me calling either. 😉 The conversations have been good, but just not the same as seeing someone in person. We both wish we could see each other more. It’s his fault we won’t see each other this weekend. It’s my fault we won’t see each other next weekend. It will be almost a full month by the time that we see each other again.

 

He says often that he wishes we could see each other more often. I agree. He threw in today that it’s like when you get your ears pierced. That if you don’t keep an earing in there, it starts to close up. That made me incredibly sad because it’s true. That’s exactly how our relationship is.

 

I thought we were doing better by talking so often. It is working on my end. While not optimal, speaking every day helps to keep me engaged and connected. Not sure it does for him.

 

His pierced ear comparison is dead on. If you don’t keep an earing in there, it closes up until you shove an earing in there again. 😦

 

I’m A Good Cook July 28, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:47 am

You know what the true sign of a good cook is? It’s someone who can make something out of nothing. Someone who can take seemingly disjointed and random ingredients and turn them into something good.

I’ve not always been a good cook. There has been more than a few times where I have put mismatched ingredients together, known something wouldn’t taste right and yet forced myself to like it. Or, better yet, tried to force someone else into liking it.

Ingredients are a funny thing, like people, you can make some great things out of mismatched items. You can also make some exceptionally unappetizing ones.

I have a history (with men) of trying to force things. Not on myself, but I have spent more than my share of ridiculously soul crushing time trying to talk guys into dating me. So fucking lame on my part. I get the whole, if he can’t see your worth, then he’s not worth it thing, but yet it continues. The last notable (and by notable I mean humiliating) one was at the beginning of the year with The Paramedic. Ugh. Of course the most damaging one was TD, 5(ish) years ago. I’ve done it a lot though and have the blog posts to prove it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t run around town trying to mate with every male I encounter as there are far more guys that I turn down than turn down me. It’s just when I find that HIGHLY elusive chemistry thing with someone, I am reluctant to let it go. Yup, even if that chemistry is just one sided. Boo.

Mr. OoT asked me when we started dating. I couldn’t really answer with a specific date. Sure, I have the blog posts to document the 1st time we exchanged online messages, the 1st time we met, the 1st time he dumped me, the 1st time I invited myself to try and fix things, etc…. but I have no idea what to count as the start of ‘us’. Our relationship is just so weird with him living 2 hours away AND working out of state 2 weeks a month. We are the relationship embodiment of a roller coaster. Seriously. Things have improved A LOT since the beginning, but we’ve still got our issues. Doesn’t everyone though?

I’ve been thinking long term lately. Not sure why. Mr. OoT and I absolutely do better in person than we do long distance. We both have idiosyncrasies that could/would/might drive the other insane though if it was a different setup. Like living together. I know that I sell him short a lot and tend to fixate on the negatives with him. I also know that I’m no picnic to deal with. I can be moody, needy, stubborn and snarky. I’ve lived alone a looooong time.

The last fight I picked with him, he said ‘maybe cat people should be with cat people and dog people should be with dog people’. Figuratively speaking of course as neither of us are cat people, but the message was clear. And I proceeded to argue against that theory….

My heart genuinely dropped when I read that text (btw, I HATE having text ‘discussions’). Not sure what we’re doing, but do I really have to figure it all out right now?

 

I’m an Ass July 24, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:19 pm

I know, big surprise for everyone right? I wrote the other day that Mr. OoT doesn’t get it when it comes to business. My business. And he doesn’t. And that’s okay. Today he offered to buy me a plane ticket to get to where I need to be to take care of things. Sweet and generous as hell. While I would never take him up on it, it means a lot that the offer was made. He knows I’ve been stressed out about money lately. While he pretty much lives paycheck to paycheck, he still offered to dip into his stash to try and help alleviate some of my worries.

He may not know how to give me business advice, but he does know how to be surprisingly supportive. I should probably stop selling him short.

As a change of pace, I’VE been the shit show this week. Pretty much the living embodiment of everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Just call me Murphy. I have not had a shittier 4 day run in ages! And, because feeling completely out of control on all things shitshow isn’t a good place to be for a Type A control freak to be, I opted to control one thing. And picked a fight with OoT. A big one……

 

The Photo July 18, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,family,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,online dating,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:05 pm

Mr. OoT and I got some super photos with each other during my/his last visit. Too bad that’s not what this post is about.

Remember the drama queen shit stirring niece of Mr. OoT and the shitty thing she did? Yeah, that’s what this post is regarding.

There were 13 of us in the front room of Mr. OoT’s place. Cramped is an understatement. Most people were sitting on the floor. Not me. I don’t do floors. I was sitting in a chair about 6″ from the front of Mr. OoT’s fridge. That was sort of my spot that weekend. Mr. OoT keeps lots of photos on the front of his fridge that I like to look at. While I’ve never actually moved the photos to see if there were any hidden gems, I loved the photos I could see. They were of Mr. OoT and his kids and they were very sweet. He and his daughter. He and his son. His son and his daughter….you get the idea.

Not that day. Heaven knows where she found it, but when I turned my head to look at the photos the one that stared back at me was of Mr. OoT smiling away with the 5 year girlfriend and her family. What the fuck?

To be clear, everyone has a past. Duh. Everyone has exes. This wasn’t a photo of any of the kids’ moms. It wasn’t a photo containing any of Mr. OoT’s family. It was just Mr. OoT, his ex and her family. Two questions came to mind: #1) why the hell is that photo still around and not filed away somewhere and #2) why the HELL is it center stage on the fridge & staring me in the face?

I have never felt that ‘her’ and Mr. OoT’s story was over. They’ve dated 3 separate times over a 25 year period. He has NO closure on the situation. Their breakup was sudden and weird. Although he tells me there is no way he’d get back with her and that he’s way more into me than he ever was with her, I don’t fully buy it.

Anyway, 2 of his sisters were in earshot when I reactively said ‘what the fuck?’. The spirit animal sister completely understood. The other sister didn’t get it. Dumbass. She was all ‘It’s only a photo and they did date for 5 years’. Uh, sure thing dipshit, I get that, but WHY should I have to look at this photo? The shit stirring neice who did it was all ‘I think it’s a cute photo of everyone’. Again, what the fuck? She knew it wad his ex in the pic. They had met several times. She knew exactly what she was doing. I just can’t figure out why….

Anyway, you know who else didn’t get why I was upset? Mr. OoT. Super. He was all team ‘ it’s just a picture ‘ and could not get it through his head why I was upset about it a) still being anywhere but in a drawer somewhere and b) staring me right in the face on the front of his fridge.

I asked him how he would feel if I had a photo of me, my ex and his family still stuck to my fridge. He said he wouldn’t care. Right. This from the guy who assumed I was seeing someone else and got pissed when I posted a pic of myself and my bff’s son on Instagram….. I was super annoyed at that point and opted to take my dog for an extended walk. I avoided being in the kitchen the rest of the day.

Best part of the whole thing? When he brought it up again hours & hours later when we were lying in bed, I was still trying to get him to understand why it upset me. He asked, I shit you not, if I wanted him to take it down. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!? It was still up there!!! I was dumbfounded to hear that he (or anyone else) hadn’t taken it down earlier.

Gah….

 

On This Day….. July 17, 2018

You know how FB sends you ‘memories’ from previous years? Some are amazing memories and bring a smile to my face. Some make me think and realize how things have changed. There’s the whole remembrance of outings with friends. Of good times had. Of evolutions made. Of changes in circumstances. Then again, once every blue moon you get a ‘memory’ that you wish they wouldn’t have sent. From eight years ago:

some jack-hole from match (yes, i know) just sent me this: “I’m not married by choice. Ur a 42 yo w-no kids never married. Lol
Very odd for a woman. You better work on yourself. Who d want advice from u. I just re looked@your pics. I saw them hours ago. No wonder I forgot them. What a AVE looking plain jane. Not enough booze in AZ for me to date u. I wouldn’t walk across the ST. to say hi to u ! Get over your extremely ave self. You’re somebodys 10. Lol. Your a 5-6 to me. I date8s. Commit to 9s. There’s not a plastic surgeon ,that can get u to a 7! Lol”

Uhm, what the fuck? I’m wracking my brain to try to remember this guy or what the circumstances were to deserve such an awesome message, but I can’t. And that’s probably a good thing.

Ahhh, online dating. How I love you so. Not.

NEVER LET ANYONE DEFINE YOUR SELF WORTH! This took me a looooong time to fully embrace. I’m pretty sure this message knocked me on my ass for a few days back then (and might actually still if I were to receive this message today). Looks are just looks. Superficial assholes are just superficial assholes. I can only hope that Karma has done it’s work on this idiot.

 

Whatever THIS Is…. July 16, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,family,internet dating,karma,Mr. OoT,single,sunday funday,texting,Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:40 am

Mr. OoT likes to preface any discussion of ‘us’ by referring to our dating/relationship as ‘whatever THIS is that we’re doing’. It’s so weird. I know he says it that way for my benefit as he’s trying not to freak me out and cause me to run away, but c’mon.

He asked me the other day about steps. As in ‘the next step in whatever this is we’re doing’. He’s big on steps. I told him we could start by his NOT saying ‘whatever this is’ whenever he talks about ‘us’. He asked what he should categorize us as. Uhm, we’re dating. And unless he has someone on the side that I’m unaware of, we’re dating exclusively. Ergo, a relationship. Gasp! I could almost hear him grinning through the phone.

I asked him what he refers to me as to others. He said he calls me his amazing girlfriend. Good man. I call him by his name and say he’s the man I’m seeing. Boyfriend just doesn’t roll off the tongue normally for me at age 50.

Anywhoo, things are good. Although he opted to be away for work for 3 weeks this time instead of 2 without even thinking to mention it to me prior, he was completely open and engaged when I pointed out that most of our challenges happen when he’s away. He’s disconnected which, in turn, makes me disconnected. I asked what we could do to work on that and he suggested, all on his own, that even though we text multiple times a day, that we speak on the phone every 2 days. I thought that a great idea and promptly assumed he’d forget. So far, he makes sure to call me every 2 days…impressive.

My eyes were opened to a few things during his family’s visit. The opinionated, unwavering, opposing viewpointed man that he is now is actually an upgraded version on how he has been in the past. He even said to me ‘this is about as good as it gets. If you’re hoping for bigger changes, I’d appreciate you breaking up with me now as I’m getting very attached.”

Maybe it’s my viewpoint and expectations that need to change. People don’t change who they inherently are. He is who he is. It’s up to me to either adjust or not. He’s trying. He’s doing his best to make me happy. He is kind, good hearted and affectionate towards me. That’s a pretty good thing and I’m getting a little attached myself….

 

Because I Think I’m Funny…. July 13, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:32 am

Yesterday’s text to Mr. OoT. I’m blue, he’s red…..

 

So This Is Love…..

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:00 am

No, not me you big nimrods. Mr. OoT’s family! They love me! Duh. I was only sort of socially awkward around them. Apparently not enough to deter their love of me as they told Mr. OoT to try not to fuck it up with me! Haha!

I was super nervous to meet his out of state daughter. The fact that she is still close to Mr. OoT’s most recent girlfriend of 5 years and was staying with her certainly didn’t help. What can I say? She’s amazing. She’s just 21 years old (I think), married and has an adorable baby. Well adjusted, head on straight, kind, smart, caring and funny. And she rides Mr. OoT for the same things I do. Hard to believe she came from Mr. OoT’s DNA. I can’t say enough good things about her & I won’t bore you with the details, but Mr. OoT told me that she said she liked me much more than she thought she would and begged him to keep his crazy tucked in so as not to scare me away. 😉

I also met his favorite sister for the 1st time and all I can say there is that she very well may be my spirit animal. How she & Mr. OoT came from the same parents I will never understand. She’s brilliant, logical, witty and has a shit ton of opposing viewpoints to Mr. OoT. She likes that I call him out on his shit. That I’m not like any of his past girlfriends (duh). That she sees a change in him.

Mr. OoT is trying. He really is. He’s cut back on the weed consumption and didn’t get high once while I was there (BIG step for him). I think he finally ‘heard’ me when I said that his personality is different towards me when high, that it’s not doing his memory (or lack thereof) any favors and that I liked him better when he’s not stoned. The fact that he didn’t get high with his family (which apparently is a bonding thing?) was HUGE. I’d never ask him to stop completely (although I’d love it if he did), but I did ask him not to do it when I’m around. Especially considering he told me he wouldn’t at the very beginning and then proceeded to. Every. Single. Time. Instead of calling me closed minded and getting defensive like he has in the past, we discussed and he listened. Major step for him.

Now, back to the family. He has some BIG personalities in his family. Including a shit stirring, exhausting 20 year old drama queen of a niece. She has a LOT going on in that head of hers and she likes to share it with the world. I liked her when I met her and kinda ‘got’ why she is the way she is. She did however opt to do something SUPER shady while I was there and thinks that no one knows it was her. Sorry hun, I know. And I’m none too pleased by it. Not sure why she did what she did, but it was a direct hit and the source of the one disagreement that Mr. OoT and I had. It was an intentional poke at me and bordered on cruel, so my ‘like’ of her waned after that night. I’ll chalk it up to being an angsty drama queen who likes to make others feel as uncomfortable as she does, but still. She knew what she was doing and it kind of flabbergasted me.

Aside from that one ‘blip’, it was a good time. Mr. OoT was super affectionate, we had some great talks and I enjoyed meeting so much of his family.

After 7 straight days of people, activities, lack of sleep and more people though, I was ready for a break. Being an introvert at heart added to the whole empath thing, I was exhausted. Physically and mentally. 7 days of nonstop people is a lot for me. Before I headed home on that last day though, me, Mr. OoT, his daughter and her son (Mr. OoT hates being referred to as a grandfather) ran errands. Target, Costco (twice), gas station, car wash and lunch. All non exciting every day errands. Just the 3.5 of us. And it was the BEST day of the whole time there……

 

All In The Family July 11, 2018

So my sister came to visit last week. My condescending, judgemental, entitled twin sister. And her husband. Things go one of 2 ways when we get together. Really well or really not. They were here for 4 days.

Mr. OoT left my house around 1pm last Friday. My sister and brother in law arrived at 3:15pm. They opted not to rent a car and told me (not asked me) that I would be picking them up from the airport and driving them everywhere. Uhm, okay. At least they got an Air BnB near my house. I had offered my guest room, but they prefer their own place. Thank god for small miracles.

Anywhoo, we went directly from the airport to happy hour. Duh. That’s just how my family rolls. I had the whole itinerary for their stay worked out. In addition to being lushes, my family are all planners (kinda why Mr. OoT’s inability to plan ahead drives me insane). There were several happy hours, white water rafting, farmer’s markets and chit chat on the itinerary. Oh, and dinner and a comedy show with Mr. OoT, his son and my bff. Yikes.

I don’t think my sister, or anyone in my family, has ever actually met anyone I’m dating. It’s just not my thing. I find it best to keep anyone I might be interested in away from family. To the best of their knowledge I’ve only dated 2 men in my 50 years. Ha.

Now, I had warned my sister that Mr. OoT is a bit rough around the edges. That he’s an opinionated libertarian alien believing creationist and a lover of all things weed related. Oh, and he doesn’t drink. And we do. A lot. I was waiting for some sort of fiasco to occur. None did. Dinner prior to the show lasted for 3 laughter filled hours. Mr. OoT seemed a bit subdued and his son looked like he wanted to kill himself, but I’ll chalk that up to being nervous (and was a bit thankful for that).

During dinner, my twin sister asked Mr. OoT if he had anything planned for my upcoming birthday and he said yes! A weekend away. Now, as he had previously asked me SPECIFICALLY if I would prefer a cabin in the woods or a hotel in the city (duh, the hotel of course), I was certain of his response when my sister asked where. You can imagine my surprise when he proudly announced we would be going to a cabin in the woods. What. The. Fuck. I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t. My sister set him straight on the fact that the words ‘a cabin in the woods’ was a phrase that I had never uttered. Poor Mr. OoT was positive that’s what I had said. Like truly positive and was so proud of himself for remembering correctly.

Needless to say a conversation was had later that evening (in between some amazing bedroom shenanigans) regarding just how scary bad his memory is and that, when he inevitably said it wasn’t, I then told him that he must just be a complete narcissist as he never remembers what I say and always projects what he wants (i.e. a cabin in the woods). It was a calm conversation and actually seemed to hit home. I honestly think it scared him a little to be so certain about something that never happened.

Anywho, the comedy show after dinner was meh, but all in all, it went well. So well that we all planned to ‘do brunch’ the next morning since Mr. OoT and his son were staying over. For whatever reason, Mr. OoT finds the fact that we ‘brunch’ super funny and ‘fancy’ (helped along, no doubt, by my preference of hotels and maid service over woodsy cabins and doing my own cooking when given the choice).

Brunch was great fun. Everyone was much more relaxed and showed who they were. I was a clutz and fell off the curb. My sister and brother in law asked several offensive questions. Mr. OoT vaped and rambled on about disc golf. His son played on his phone. No great surprise.

After brunch we took Mr. OoT’s son back to my house to do whatever 15 year old boys do. Oh, ewww, no, let’s hope that’s not what he did while we were gone…. The rest of us took the dogs for a walk along the river. And I face-planted. No, really, I did. Kind of like a slow motion cartoon style fall. Not embarassing at all. I’m just that uncoordinated.

Mr. OoT and son left after our walk to head back to their town. My sister’s visit lasted for another day and a half. I must say, I enjoyed it. I’m not quite sure that they love Mr. OoT for me, but they saw how much he likes me and were impressed that he’s very open about showing it.

I know he was trying. Really hard. He was nervous to meet them and although he knows they liked him, he is convinced that they’d rather see me with an accountant. Uhm, okay.

It wasn’t nearly as awkward or horrible as I had feared. At least it is out of the way, no one cried and aside from my sister full on linebackering my brother in law out of the raft in the middle of a class 4 rapid, there were no injuries (he was fine, but it was damn funny).

Next up, exactly 4 hours after dropping my sister and BIL at the airport for their flight back home I loaded up my dog and headed to Mr. OoT’s town to meet his family. Parents (who I had already met), 1 brother & 1 sister who I had already met as well, his favorite sister from another state, her 3 adult-ish kids, Mr. OoT’s married daughter and grandson (who, incidentally, were staying with Mr. OoT’s ex girlfriend) and some other assorted nieces and nephews. No pressure, right? Here’s a fun fact about me: I can talk to anyone one on one. Put me in a group of new people (much less a big family with me being odd man out) and I turn into a socially awkward nimrod. Good times ahead…..

 

Shuttle Service July 9, 2018

Oh hell. I owe a bunch of updates. Vacation ended. Sister came to town. Mr. OoT had his family reunion. Such a busy past 8 days. As I don’t want to spoil the fun filled suspense, I’ll meter out my updates. You’re welcome.

I got back from my Mexico vacay 10 days ago. Mr. OoT had promised to pick me up at the airport, 2 hours from his town, at 11:30pm. I was less than positive that he’d actually be there. I spent most of the last leg of my flight preparing myself for it and pep talking myself into not being mad/disappointed/sad when I walked past security to see a bunch of strangers. Much to my surprise delight, he was there!! And it was good to see him. Although I was still more than a bit pissed about the whole stranded on the side of a Mexican highway thing and his seeming lack of concern, I let it go. Kind of.

I did end up asking him about it and letting him know how disappointed I was. He explained his viewpoint. His completely fucked up and ridiculous interpretation of my text, but his reaction (or lack thereof) made sense. If you’re a moron. Or male. He thought, heaven knows why, that I was sitting in an air conditioned shuttle bus on the side of the road awaiting a new tire. Uhm, no. No, that’s not what happened at all. Anyway, and regardless of his ‘vision’, I explained that by his not checking in with me, it appeared as if he didn’t care. He responded, in the true spirit of maleness, that although he was concerned, there was nothing he could do to help and he didn’t think sending a ‘hope you’re not dead’ text would be helpful. Or appreciated. Couldn’t really argue with that.

He proceeded to stay for the next 2 nights at my house. And it was kinda awesome. I much prefer my house to his apartment (shhhhh, don’t tell). This was the 1st time he’d stayed over, much less come to my town, since date #1. I regaled him with all the awesomeness that is my town in the summer. The outdoor free concerts 3 times a week. The most amazing farmer’s market ever. The beautiful parks and ponds. I truly live in a killer town. He does not (again, shhhhhh). He drove back to his town late on a Friday afternoon only to turn back around the next day and come back to catch a comedy show. And meet my best friend. And my twin sister……..

 

Uber

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:29 pm

Well, I opted to have faith in Mr. OoT to pick me up at the airport after my (amazing) mini vacation so optimistically hopped in my Uber at 4am last Wednesday and headed to the airport with my new bff Debbie. Okay, so we’re noy really bffs, but any Uber driver that is awake and working to take pour souls across town to the airport are probably really good people. Really good tired people.

Mr. OoT was a bit distant while I was away. No great surprise there. I decided to ‘mirror’ his communication. If he wasn’t going to check in until 4pm, then neither would I. Take that all you passive aggressive 14 year olds!

I was already annoyed about the whole ‘stranded on the side of a Mexican highway’ thing, so I was pretty okay with the lack of communication. Btw, he has since explained his reasoning behind said shitty boyfriend behaviour and although the way his mind works is completely fucked up (to me), it made sense. Kind of…..

Anywho, during my flight home I was preparing myself for him not being there to get me. That his car broke down. That there was an accident. That he had decided to run off with The Hairdresser and live happily ever after. He had assured me, several times, that he would be there, but still this IS Mr. OoT we’re talking about here…..

 

Does Not Remembering Really Mean It Didn’t Happen? June 15, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,mexico,Mr. OoT,texting,Uncategorized,vacation — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:51 am

In true to “I’m a guy” form, I heard from Mr. OoT the next morning after his curt ‘goodnight’ mid Hairdresser discussion as if everything was hunky dory and nothing had happened. Not sure why he does this. Not sure why I allow it to happen. There’s nothing more frustrating than leaving a discussion unresolved. At least for me. For him, it apparently never even happened. Must be nice…..

I’m annoyed right now. I DO like him. He’s kind and generous and funny and smart and has a really good heart buried under all his bullshit. He makes me feel pretty and special and talks of the future. He also has a pretty pronounced misogynistic side to him. Maybe misogyny is too strong a word; selfish? Self absorbed? Although he has told me 3 times now how closed minded I am (always, btw, in regards to his f*ing love of weed), it is actually he who is unable to see things from a different point of view. His interests come first. Although he will ask me what I want to do, watch on tv, eat, whatever, he always defaults to what he wants. He assumes everyone views the world (or should) as he does. For a smart man, he’s kinda dumb in this regard.

I’m feeling kinda disconnected at the moment. We all know that when I don’t feel connected, I get bored. And my mind wanders. Part of the fun of being in a long distance relationship with someone who apparently is incapable of having a serious discussion over the phone is that nothing gets resolved. By fun, I of course mean bullshit. Everything gets left for in person discussions. This takes away from our ‘us’ time and puts a damper on the whole thing, so I usually just let things go. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword. Apparently he’s fine with never getting anything resolved (bonus for him to never be called out on his bullshit). Not so great for me.

He’s mid 2-week stint right now. He will be back in town next Thursday. I leave town for a week on Wednesday. That means 2 more weeks before I see him again. We haven’t spoken much in the past few days. Him because he’s exhausted, me because I’m annoyed. How do we resolve something that one of us doesn’t even view as a problem? I’ve mentioned before about his horrific memory. I attribute that to his misogyny as well. If it doesn’t interest him or he doesn’t view it as important, it doesn’t get remembered. Being able to count on someone is a big thing for me. I don’t know that I can count on him. This is a man who only eats once a day and who I have to remind that I get hungry and need to be fed more than that. It’s kind of weird. And annoying. He’s the least self-aware person that I know. I am one of the most. It boggles my mind that someone so seemingly smart not only doesn’t own their shit, but doesn’t even realize that they have shit to own.

Anywhoo, back to not being able to count on him in the simplest of examples. I fly back into town on the 27th. He has offered to drive the 2 hours from his town to pick me up at the airport and then stay the night at my place. He has also told me that I will need to remind him. What the fuck? Write it down for shit’s sake. I think he’ll forget. I actually plan on him forgetting so instead of ubering to the airport and being assured that he’ll be there, a week later, to pick me up with open arms and a bouquet of flowers (ha), I am driving myself so that my car will be there for when he doesn’t show. Am I being too hard on him? Maybe. Am I expecting too much? Possibly. Has his past non efforts at follow through given me reason to be dubious? Hell yes they have. Not sure what to do. This is not a good week. Boo.

We are pretty great in person. Long distance, not so much …….

 

Were There Men Even On Board? May 24, 2018

So. Much. Fun. So. Many. Cocktails. Got back Sunday from my 3 day whirlwind cruise. So glad I went. Even though the ‘jr suite’ that I shared with 2 friends was more like a ‘not so much jr suite’ and I slept on this odd folded out futon like couch thing (diagonally, might I add as it was uber short and I am not), I had a blast.

There were 13 of us in all. And about 6 of that 13 were all about the drama. Tears, tantrums and rudeness included. I successfully avoided it all. And spent most of my time at the bar. Every bar. My ‘core group’ all got the ‘unlimited drinks’ package and, as it’s not really unlimited and is instead limited to 15 drinks per day (boo Carnival), it was an unwritten agreement to try and reach our limit each day. #lifegoals. Sadly, and surprisingly considering we started drinking at 9am each day, I never actually hit 15. Apparently I’m lame. Or just a cheaper date than I used to be.

The laughter was plentiful, the drinks strong, the re-bonding of friendships awesome. The only thing that could have made the experience better would be an in board hook up. Sorry friends, I broke my vacation fling streak.

There weren’t many cute singles on board. There were lots of younger men with ironic man buns though. No thank you. I heard, on night #1 that there was a group of age appropriate hotties spotted in the dining room, but I was not alerted. Damn greedy bitches. I do think I spotted them the next night when they all walked past me on formal night. They were every bit as attractive as I’d heard. There was even a tall nerdy one with glasses just for me. Sadly, and inexplicably, my inner social retard took over and instead of making eye contact when he looked directly at me and smiled, I looked at the ground. WTF?!?! I have no clue what happened. I would normally switch directions and follow them (is it really stalking if it’s just me?), but I totally drew a blank and brain farted on what little game I have left. Eh, oh well, at least they were pretty to look at, however briefly.

I am back home, missing my friends terribly, still awaiting my room service coffee to be delivered to my room and, for some strange reason, am unable to locate the buffet. Damn reality….

 

Text Messages & Emoticons May 3, 2018

I got several texts while at Mr. OoT’s last weekend. I had my phone on silent the entire time as, although he claims otherwise, I believe that Mr. OoT is a bit jealous and paranoid. I didn’t want him to worry that every incoming text was from a guy.

They mainly were. I received a few text messages from Repo Man who happened to be spending the weekend in my all time favorite locale along with a few pics. And, might I say, he looked damn good. His messages were flirty. My responses were not.

I also received a message from Mr. English. Complete with emoticons. It was a nice message, hoping I was doing well, letting me know he’d be house-sitting for someone in my area and updating me on the project that he has been working on. I waffled back and forth on how to respond. He is a good guy, he’s just not MY good guy. I was going to send a bland ‘glad all is going well’ or an equally bland ‘thanks for letting me know’. I opted out of sending either and opted out of responding at all. I feel a bit bad about this, but also felt it was the right option.

 

Friday Update April 27, 2018

I know, right? I’m just as surprised as you to be posting a real time update. As Mr. OoT is busily counseling one of his sisters who needs him, I find myself with some time on my hands.

So the morning started off with a flirty text. 1st one I’ve gotten in over a week. Then came a request for what I would like from the grocery store. Then came the response, when I let him know I would be arriving ahead of schedule of ‘good, hurry up and get here, I can’t wait to see you’. Uhm, okay.

My dog and I arrived (of course in a killer dress that showed off all the best parts) and I was greeted with a huge hug, an ‘I’ve missed you’, and a ‘did you always look this good’. Well, hello.

So weirdly awesome. I gave him a hug and a kiss and asked what was up. He said, completely on his own “I’ve decided to stop trying to sabotage things; that I will be my authentic self this weekend and you can decide at the end of the weekend what you want to do.” Oh, I like this version of Mr. OoT very much.

I haven’t asked any questions, nor do I care to. This is all I wanted; to have a fun weekend and see how things go. He’s been great. Sweet and thoughtful and affectionate and funny.

We are having dinner with his brother tomorrow & then meeting a couple of his friends tomorrow night. Sunday is all about roller coasters. Real ones, not emotional ones. Thank GOD!

So far so good. I’m chill. He’s chill. My dog is chill. Not sure if that’s a factor of finally just being able to breathe and enjoy each other or the fact that we enjoyed each other in every naked sense of the word. Twice. And it was fan-fucking-tastic. Our chemistry is undeniable, that’s for sure. We’ll see how the rest of the weekend goes but for now. All good. Must be all those virtual pom poms 🙂

 

Virtual Pom Poms

So by the time most of you read this, I will be on my way to see Mr. OoT. Just me, my dog and my ridiculous thoughts. There’s only one of 2 ways this weekend will end up. There are some fun things planned. There are some huge question marks. I’m actually kinda nervous. No clue how I’ll react when I see him. No clue how he’ll react when he sees me. No clue how he wants me to react. No clue how I want him to react. I just want to find out already.

When we originally discussed the backtracking to ‘dating’ and he told me about the no sex decision, I clarified that we could still make out. A lot. I mean a lot, a lot. He’s a pretty amazing kisser. I’m not too shabby in that department either. With absolutely no flirting since then, I’m unsure if that has been taken off the table though? Why would someone do that? I’m kind of pretty sure he’s maybe trying to convince himself and me that he doesn’t like me as much as he does? Then again, there is the less encouraging option that he really doesn’t anymore. I don’t even know how I feel at this point. I’ve driven myself (and all of you) crazy with my neuroses. It’s embarrassing, really.

Dammit, I SWEAR I believe in manifesting your future. Good thoughts & good energy will be rewarded with good results. Why the FUCK can I not do this with my romantic life?!?!

As your reward for being my virtual cheerleaders, I will stop posting my incessant bullshit until next time.

Soooooo……Let’s all hope & cheer for a good weekend full of fun, clarity, kindness and affection. Oh, and sex. Lots and lots of sex.

**As an aside, Mr. OoT did text me last night. From his place. With his friend. Date must have ended early 😉 His final text to me was “Good night Grey. See you tomorrow?” Cute that he’s asking if I’m still planning on coming. If only he knew how much I worried that he’d cancel on me!

**updated to add that this morning started with a good morning and some flirty texts. His date last night (if there was one) must have sucked. His hot & cold with me is annoying, but I guess it’s commendable that he only flirts with one person at a time? Now don’t get your panties in a wad; my head is on fairly straight today. We’ll see how the weekend goes……

 

Thursday Update April 26, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:08 pm

Oh look! A real time update! What a treat. I know I’ve conveyed and annoyed ad nauseum (just like I said I wouldn’t do) my insane internal dialogue that’s been going on this week. I assumed tonight would be every bit as bad.

You’ll find this hard to believe, but it’s now 5pm on Thursday and I am absolutely positive that he is meeting someone tonight. I haven’t heard from him since a short and impersonal text at noonish. Here’s the part that you won’t believe….I’m fine. Calm, a little sad, but not my neurotic self.

It is what it is and all will be clear tomorrow. I haven’t texted him, and aside from letting me know he got home safe and then the 1 other text, he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t expect to hear from him before tomorrow. I think he’s been avoiding talking to me this week so he wouldn’t have to tell me about whoever this person is. I have a feeling that he likes her and doesn’t want to have to tell me. I also have an odd feeling that it might be The Hairdresser from last month. No clue of course.

I’m completely exhausted. Mentally. I’ve done this to myself. I’m just looking forward to this being over. And by ‘this’ I either mean ‘us’ or just my insane insecurity regarding ‘us’.

 

What Now April 24, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:46 pm

So weird. Or maybe not. We texted pretty much the entire day yesterday. He’s sent me ‘good morning, Grey’ texts the past couple of days. That alone is enough to make me smile and I KNOW how lame that makes me sound. Whatever. It just does. Feel free to unfollow me.

He sent me a text when he was off work last night. Didn’t hear much from him after that. We send each other U Tube links to songs we like throughout the day. We chat about nothing. He sends me pics of where he’s working. Last night, aside from 2 music links sent, I heard nothing.

He has a hard job when he’s away. He works long hours. I assume he’s exhausted when he gets off work. The fact that we used to have 8 hour phone conversations though makes me wonder. I do believe he’s a loner at heart. I do also believe that he’s kind of desperate to find someone. I don’t mean desperate in a ‘he’s a loser and should feel lucky that anyone will give him the time of day’ way. He’s not. He’s highly intelligent, he’s super attractive, he’s upbeat and friendly. He’s also new to online dating and I am just going to assume that as quickly as he moved with me, he will with the next one. He responds to ALL online messages that he receives. He feels that it’s rude not to. He is quick to give out his phone number and exchange personal information. In the one day that he was online before, in addition to sending out countless messages, he had already invited someone over to watch a movie (and, I swear to god, he was actually going to watch a movie), had a date set up, had spoken to someone at length already (who he proceeded to confuse me with in details) and me. I tried to warn him, when we 1st started chatting, that there are some weird and dishonest people online and that he just got lucky finding me as I’m one of the more normal ones (shut up! I am!).

I feel as if he’s already back online looking. Attempting to line up dates for when he gets back to town on Thursday. I also feel he may have been back on line before he dumped me. He assumed that I was (I wasn’t), so I’m pretty sure he re-activated his profile last week. I have no idea whether this is true or not, but our lack of evening contact leads me to believe that he’s concentrating on others. Or maybe not. Maybe he’s reading. Maybe he’s playing minecraft. Maybe he’s talking to his brother or his friends on the phone. Maybe he’s sleeping. I just don’t know. It’s just how my mind works. 😦

I’ve always been this way. Kind of why I hate text messaging. If someone, who I know has his phone with him pretty much always, takes more than 32 milliseconds to respond, I automatically assume they’re ignoring me. That we’re over. It’s the most horrible habit in the world and SO self defeating. I never mention this to them as it would sound as lame and needy as it truly is and would probably send them running in the opposite direction, so I just keep this dirty little secret to myself and create scenarios that may, or may not be linked to any semblance of reality.

 

Mind Games

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:18 pm

So it’s already started. The spinning of stories in my head. The stories that Mr. OoT has already found someone other than me. The stories that he is calling someone else baby and sexy since he doesn’t call me either of those any more. The stories that he is giving the attention and time that used to be mine to someone else. I hate that my mind works this way. I want to be positive and hopeful. The fact remains that if I call or text and don’t hear back from him for 3 hours, I assume he’s busy falling for someone else. I am feeling needy and having a hard time balancing my desire to be the cool chick (ha) with my jealousy. I have NO idea if he’s found someone online that he’s excited about (he’s still out of town so I’m driving myself crazy over phone calls at this point – imagine what I’ll come up with when he’s back in town and actually sees them in person). I am just making horribly self defeating assumptions. I know in my heart that my merits stand on their own. I’m smart as hell, funny, easy to talk to, kind & not too harsh on the eyes. While I know this to be true, I still manage to convince myself that I am so easily replaceable. Thanks fucked up self esteem and past history. Gah.

I need to just be able to keep my shit together until this weekend until I can see how we do in person. I told him about the hotel room that I booked and he wasn’t thrilled. He was very nice about it and said he realized how hard this was for me, but I think he took it as a bit of an insult to him. I tried to explain it as a ‘trying to do the right thing and knowing that 3 days is a long time to have me in your place, so I want to be able to give you the space to communicate with the other women’. He took it as I think he’ll be completely disrespectful and rub my nose in the other women (that may, or may not actually exist). That isn’t it at all. That never even crossed my mind that he would do that. I was honestly trying to do the right thing for everyone (even the faceless online skanks). I need to stop giving a shit about ‘doing the right thing’. I don’t care about how ‘unfair’ my visit is for these other women (real or imagined).

I want to ask him where my terms of endearment have gone. I want to ask him how often he wants to hear from me. I want to ask him what the hell is going on. I want to ask him why I got downgraded. I want to ask him that, if by some slight chance that I am able to handle just being in the ‘rotation’, that I truly would be ‘in the running’. All pathetically needy questions. I can’t/won’t ask him though as I also have the fear that he will tell me not to come this weekend. To be clear, he has said/done NOTHING to make me think this way. I think he’s trying to do the right thing by no longer referring to me in such grand and forever terms. By not calling me the little terms of endearment that I have grown to really like. By not calling so much anymore period. Boo me.

I am really looking forward to spending time with him this weekend. I want it to be fun and drama free (meaning: I hope I can keep my shit together while there and be positive and fun). I want us both to realize what it is we want out of the other and stop with the bullshit. I am well aware that the general consensus upon hearing ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ really means ‘I just don’t want a relationship with YOU’. I guess we’ll see. Fucking phone relationships. Such bullshit.

This post wasn’t intended to be about Mr. OoT, but as he’s at the forefront of my thoughts, this is what you get.

(edited to add to this overly disjointed post: I am doing a little better today. I am holding onto the small things that have been said. While not an outright declaration of I WANT TO SEE YOU (which is probably what it would take at this point to get my mind to completely settle) I am concentrating on the mentions of his coming to visit me next; of his son wanting to do an escape room in town; of what we’re doing Friday night; of us being able to joke about being ‘that couple’ in the overly chlorinated hotel indoor pool. Of his installing my windshield wipers for me. Nope, doesn’t seem like much, but it’s helping. A little.)

 

Oh Good, Here It Comes… April 19, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:15 am

*** this post was written yesterday morning before any of the amazing comments from my last post even existed***

You know, that awesome stage after I get dumped where I beat myself up over what I could have done differently to have prevented Monday’s D Day (thank you karma; you truly are a bitch) from happening? The stage when I bore you and all my friends ad nauseam about things? Yes, that one!

Here’s the thing. Although the 1st thing I’ve done upon waking the past 3 mornings is cry and it’s been a REALLY rough couple of days, I’m not sure I could have done anything to prevent this. I think I knew from the beginning that this would end sooner than later. Don’t misunderstand and think I wanted it to, I didn’t. I think I always somehow knew that Mr. OoT would back out and actually think I helped facilitate it with all my indecision. I had been hopeful that that window had passed with all his flattering talk about future trips and explorations as well as sexy talk about our upcoming weekend together (er, you all realize that we haven’t even slept together, yes?). Apparently I liked this one, and not in a crazy overly-obsessive way either. I truly thought, and looked forward to, us having a lot of fun together. I truly did see myself falling for him. Let’s be honest here, I had already started to.

I think only speaking by phone, not in person, for all but 1.5 days did not serve us well. I think his leaving town for work just a week after meeting was a death sentence. Or maybe just postponed the inevitable. He has BIG misperceptions about me. BIG. No clue where he garnered his information from, but some of it is way off base. Did he make it up? Did I say it? Did he take one of my sarcastic comments as reality? Does it even matter?

It’s sad and shitty and it sucks. A lot. I’m amazed the entire evolution of our short lived relationship was via phone (granted, hundreds of hours of phone calls, but still). I’m kind of astounded that he doesn’t even want to see me in person before making this decision. To even see how we do in person. This is just so weird and goes against all logic.

We had plans to see each other next weekend when he returned from work. My dog and I were going to spend the weekend with he and his son. It was all planned. I would drive up there next Friday. We’d have a few hours alone before he needed to pick up his son. Dinner with his brother. Drinks & pool with his friends. Roller coasters on Sunday. It was going to be fun and I was very much looking forward to it and getting to spend some ‘in person’ time together. I asked him if he could at least hold off on his decision until after we see each other. He said no, that it would just postpone the inevitable. Boo.

I still want to go (oh stop yelling at your phones). What I am unsure of is if I want to go just so I can get some closure in talking face to face and seeing if I even want to try the friend thing or the much more Grey patented shitshow move of trying to change his mind (I warned you). I may not stay the weekend, but I do feel we at least owe it to ourselves to talk face to face. Who knows.

I mentioned still coming and somewhat surprisingly he said I still could, but that he didn’t think I’d want to. I asked him if I decided to come, if he would promise not to cancel on me last minute. He said he couldn’t make that promise. Honest Fucker. I asked him to quantify the chances of him cancelling on me. He approximated between 25-33%. Super. No clue what I’ll decide to do. Pretty sure I’ll ask if I can come up next Friday as planned to talk. Then IF we both decide I should stay (as a friend or otherwise), I would. As stupid as it sounds, we’ve never been together for more than a day. I kind of want to find out if we even vibe in person (who am I kidding? We have fucking KILLER chemistry). Kinda hope we don’t get along so I can just let go and walk away. Then again…….

We’ve been texting and talking a bit over the past couple of days and although he is always responsive and engaged, it’s ME initiating. So amazingly awesome for my ego. *insert eye-roll here* We don’t talk about anything having to do with ‘us’ as I kind of feel like a whiny loser when I do that. In my head, while we talk at night, I worry that he is busy clicking away and messaging on Plenty of Fish. Cool. Love how my brain works. No clue if he’s actually even back online, but kinda feel like he already might be. I probably need to mention to him about not scheduling any dates (real or imaginary) for next Friday when he gets home though ……..

***FYI; just spoke with my bff and from what she knows and what I’ve told her, she thinks he DOES like me. That he IS into me. That I probably scare him because I have my shit together and am unlike the uneducated crazies that he’s used to. Huh, kinda feel this should make me feel better. It doesn’t 😦