43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Does Not Remembering Really Mean It Didn’t Happen? June 15, 2018

Filed under: aura,dating,internet dating,karma,mexico,Mr. OoT,texting,Uncategorized,vacation — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:51 am

In true to “I’m a guy” form, I heard from Mr. OoT the next morning after his curt ‘goodnight’ mid Hairdresser discussion as if everything was hunky dory and nothing had happened. Not sure why he does this. Not sure why I allow it to happen. There’s nothing more frustrating than leaving a discussion unresolved. At least for me. For him, it apparently never even happened. Must be nice…..

I’m annoyed right now. I DO like him. He’s kind and generous and funny and smart and has a really good heart buried under all his bullshit. He makes me feel pretty and special and talks of the future. He also has a pretty pronounced misogynistic side to him. Maybe misogyny is too strong a word; selfish? Self absorbed? Although he has told me 3 times now how closed minded I am (always, btw, in regards to his f*ing love of weed), it is actually he who is unable to see things from a different point of view. His interests come first. Although he will ask me what I want to do, watch on tv, eat, whatever, he always defaults to what he wants. He assumes everyone views the world (or should) as he does. For a smart man, he’s kinda dumb in this regard.

I’m feeling kinda disconnected at the moment. We all know that when I don’t feel connected, I get bored. And my mind wanders. Part of the fun of being in a long distance relationship with someone who apparently is incapable of having a serious discussion over the phone is that nothing gets resolved. By fun, I of course mean bullshit. Everything gets left for in person discussions. This takes away from our ‘us’ time and puts a damper on the whole thing, so I usually just let things go. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword. Apparently he’s fine with never getting anything resolved (bonus for him to never be called out on his bullshit). Not so great for me.

He’s mid 2-week stint right now. He will be back in town next Thursday. I leave town for a week on Wednesday. That means 2 more weeks before I see him again. We haven’t spoken much in the past few days. Him because he’s exhausted, me because I’m annoyed. How do we resolve something that one of us doesn’t even view as a problem? I’ve mentioned before about his horrific memory. I attribute that to his misogyny as well. If it doesn’t interest him or he doesn’t view it as important, it doesn’t get remembered. Being able to count on someone is a big thing for me. I don’t know that I can count on him. This is a man who only eats once a day and who I have to remind that I get hungry and need to be fed more than that. It’s kind of weird. And annoying. He’s the least self-aware person that I know. I am one of the most. It boggles my mind that someone so seemingly smart not only doesn’t own their shit, but doesn’t even realize that they have shit to own.

Anywhoo, back to not being able to count on him in the simplest of examples. I fly back into town on the 27th. He has offered to drive the 2 hours from his town to pick me up at the airport and then stay the night at my place. He has also told me that I will need to remind him. What the fuck? Write it down for shit’s sake. I think he’ll forget. I actually plan on him forgetting so instead of ubering to the airport and being assured that he’ll be there, a week later, to pick me up with open arms and a bouquet of flowers (ha), I am driving myself so that my car will be there for when he doesn’t show. Am I being too hard on him? Maybe. Am I expecting too much? Possibly. Has his past non efforts at follow through given me reason to be dubious? Hell yes they have. Not sure what to do. This is not a good week. Boo.

We are pretty great in person. Long distance, not so much …….

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Were There Men Even On Board? May 24, 2018

So. Much. Fun. So. Many. Cocktails. Got back Sunday from my 3 day whirlwind cruise. So glad I went. Even though the ‘jr suite’ that I shared with 2 friends was more like a ‘not so much jr suite’ and I slept on this odd folded out futon like couch thing (diagonally, might I add as it was uber short and I am not), I had a blast.

There were 13 of us in all. And about 6 of that 13 were all about the drama. Tears, tantrums and rudeness included. I successfully avoided it all. And spent most of my time at the bar. Every bar. My ‘core group’ all got the ‘unlimited drinks’ package and, as it’s not really unlimited and is instead limited to 15 drinks per day (boo Carnival), it was an unwritten agreement to try and reach our limit each day. #lifegoals. Sadly, and surprisingly considering we started drinking at 9am each day, I never actually hit 15. Apparently I’m lame. Or just a cheaper date than I used to be.

The laughter was plentiful, the drinks strong, the re-bonding of friendships awesome. The only thing that could have made the experience better would be an in board hook up. Sorry friends, I broke my vacation fling streak.

There weren’t many cute singles on board. There were lots of younger men with ironic man buns though. No thank you. I heard, on night #1 that there was a group of age appropriate hotties spotted in the dining room, but I was not alerted. Damn greedy bitches. I do think I spotted them the next night when they all walked past me on formal night. They were every bit as attractive as I’d heard. There was even a tall nerdy one with glasses just for me. Sadly, and inexplicably, my inner social retard took over and instead of making eye contact when he looked directly at me and smiled, I looked at the ground. WTF?!?! I have no clue what happened. I would normally switch directions and follow them (is it really stalking if it’s just me?), but I totally drew a blank and brain farted on what little game I have left. Eh, oh well, at least they were pretty to look at, however briefly.

I am back home, missing my friends terribly, still awaiting my room service coffee to be delivered to my room and, for some strange reason, am unable to locate the buffet. Damn reality….

 

Text Messages & Emoticons May 3, 2018

I got several texts while at Mr. OoT’s last weekend. I had my phone on silent the entire time as, although he claims otherwise, I believe that Mr. OoT is a bit jealous and paranoid. I didn’t want him to worry that every incoming text was from a guy.

They mainly were. I received a few text messages from Repo Man who happened to be spending the weekend in my all time favorite locale along with a few pics. And, might I say, he looked damn good. His messages were flirty. My responses were not.

I also received a message from Mr. English. Complete with emoticons. It was a nice message, hoping I was doing well, letting me know he’d be house-sitting for someone in my area and updating me on the project that he has been working on. I waffled back and forth on how to respond. He is a good guy, he’s just not MY good guy. I was going to send a bland ‘glad all is going well’ or an equally bland ‘thanks for letting me know’. I opted out of sending either and opted out of responding at all. I feel a bit bad about this, but also felt it was the right option.

 

Friday Update April 27, 2018

I know, right? I’m just as surprised as you to be posting a real time update. As Mr. OoT is busily counseling one of his sisters who needs him, I find myself with some time on my hands.

So the morning started off with a flirty text. 1st one I’ve gotten in over a week. Then came a request for what I would like from the grocery store. Then came the response, when I let him know I would be arriving ahead of schedule of ‘good, hurry up and get here, I can’t wait to see you’. Uhm, okay.

My dog and I arrived (of course in a killer dress that showed off all the best parts) and I was greeted with a huge hug, an ‘I’ve missed you’, and a ‘did you always look this good’. Well, hello.

So weirdly awesome. I gave him a hug and a kiss and asked what was up. He said, completely on his own “I’ve decided to stop trying to sabotage things; that I will be my authentic self this weekend and you can decide at the end of the weekend what you want to do.” Oh, I like this version of Mr. OoT very much.

I haven’t asked any questions, nor do I care to. This is all I wanted; to have a fun weekend and see how things go. He’s been great. Sweet and thoughtful and affectionate and funny.

We are having dinner with his brother tomorrow & then meeting a couple of his friends tomorrow night. Sunday is all about roller coasters. Real ones, not emotional ones. Thank GOD!

So far so good. I’m chill. He’s chill. My dog is chill. Not sure if that’s a factor of finally just being able to breathe and enjoy each other or the fact that we enjoyed each other in every naked sense of the word. Twice. And it was fan-fucking-tastic. Our chemistry is undeniable, that’s for sure. We’ll see how the rest of the weekend goes but for now. All good. Must be all those virtual pom poms 🙂

 

Virtual Pom Poms

So by the time most of you read this, I will be on my way to see Mr. OoT. Just me, my dog and my ridiculous thoughts. There’s only one of 2 ways this weekend will end up. There are some fun things planned. There are some huge question marks. I’m actually kinda nervous. No clue how I’ll react when I see him. No clue how he’ll react when he sees me. No clue how he wants me to react. No clue how I want him to react. I just want to find out already.

When we originally discussed the backtracking to ‘dating’ and he told me about the no sex decision, I clarified that we could still make out. A lot. I mean a lot, a lot. He’s a pretty amazing kisser. I’m not too shabby in that department either. With absolutely no flirting since then, I’m unsure if that has been taken off the table though? Why would someone do that? I’m kind of pretty sure he’s maybe trying to convince himself and me that he doesn’t like me as much as he does? Then again, there is the less encouraging option that he really doesn’t anymore. I don’t even know how I feel at this point. I’ve driven myself (and all of you) crazy with my neuroses. It’s embarrassing, really.

Dammit, I SWEAR I believe in manifesting your future. Good thoughts & good energy will be rewarded with good results. Why the FUCK can I not do this with my romantic life?!?!

As your reward for being my virtual cheerleaders, I will stop posting my incessant bullshit until next time.

Soooooo……Let’s all hope & cheer for a good weekend full of fun, clarity, kindness and affection. Oh, and sex. Lots and lots of sex.

**As an aside, Mr. OoT did text me last night. From his place. With his friend. Date must have ended early 😉 His final text to me was “Good night Grey. See you tomorrow?” Cute that he’s asking if I’m still planning on coming. If only he knew how much I worried that he’d cancel on me!

**updated to add that this morning started with a good morning and some flirty texts. His date last night (if there was one) must have sucked. His hot & cold with me is annoying, but I guess it’s commendable that he only flirts with one person at a time? Now don’t get your panties in a wad; my head is on fairly straight today. We’ll see how the weekend goes……

 

Thursday Update April 26, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:08 pm

Oh look! A real time update! What a treat. I know I’ve conveyed and annoyed ad nauseum (just like I said I wouldn’t do) my insane internal dialogue that’s been going on this week. I assumed tonight would be every bit as bad.

You’ll find this hard to believe, but it’s now 5pm on Thursday and I am absolutely positive that he is meeting someone tonight. I haven’t heard from him since a short and impersonal text at noonish. Here’s the part that you won’t believe….I’m fine. Calm, a little sad, but not my neurotic self.

It is what it is and all will be clear tomorrow. I haven’t texted him, and aside from letting me know he got home safe and then the 1 other text, he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t expect to hear from him before tomorrow. I think he’s been avoiding talking to me this week so he wouldn’t have to tell me about whoever this person is. I have a feeling that he likes her and doesn’t want to have to tell me. I also have an odd feeling that it might be The Hairdresser from last month. No clue of course.

I’m completely exhausted. Mentally. I’ve done this to myself. I’m just looking forward to this being over. And by ‘this’ I either mean ‘us’ or just my insane insecurity regarding ‘us’.

 

What Now April 24, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:46 pm

So weird. Or maybe not. We texted pretty much the entire day yesterday. He’s sent me ‘good morning, Grey’ texts the past couple of days. That alone is enough to make me smile and I KNOW how lame that makes me sound. Whatever. It just does. Feel free to unfollow me.

He sent me a text when he was off work last night. Didn’t hear much from him after that. We send each other U Tube links to songs we like throughout the day. We chat about nothing. He sends me pics of where he’s working. Last night, aside from 2 music links sent, I heard nothing.

He has a hard job when he’s away. He works long hours. I assume he’s exhausted when he gets off work. The fact that we used to have 8 hour phone conversations though makes me wonder. I do believe he’s a loner at heart. I do also believe that he’s kind of desperate to find someone. I don’t mean desperate in a ‘he’s a loser and should feel lucky that anyone will give him the time of day’ way. He’s not. He’s highly intelligent, he’s super attractive, he’s upbeat and friendly. He’s also new to online dating and I am just going to assume that as quickly as he moved with me, he will with the next one. He responds to ALL online messages that he receives. He feels that it’s rude not to. He is quick to give out his phone number and exchange personal information. In the one day that he was online before, in addition to sending out countless messages, he had already invited someone over to watch a movie (and, I swear to god, he was actually going to watch a movie), had a date set up, had spoken to someone at length already (who he proceeded to confuse me with in details) and me. I tried to warn him, when we 1st started chatting, that there are some weird and dishonest people online and that he just got lucky finding me as I’m one of the more normal ones (shut up! I am!).

I feel as if he’s already back online looking. Attempting to line up dates for when he gets back to town on Thursday. I also feel he may have been back on line before he dumped me. He assumed that I was (I wasn’t), so I’m pretty sure he re-activated his profile last week. I have no idea whether this is true or not, but our lack of evening contact leads me to believe that he’s concentrating on others. Or maybe not. Maybe he’s reading. Maybe he’s playing minecraft. Maybe he’s talking to his brother or his friends on the phone. Maybe he’s sleeping. I just don’t know. It’s just how my mind works. 😦

I’ve always been this way. Kind of why I hate text messaging. If someone, who I know has his phone with him pretty much always, takes more than 32 milliseconds to respond, I automatically assume they’re ignoring me. That we’re over. It’s the most horrible habit in the world and SO self defeating. I never mention this to them as it would sound as lame and needy as it truly is and would probably send them running in the opposite direction, so I just keep this dirty little secret to myself and create scenarios that may, or may not be linked to any semblance of reality.