The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Virtual Pom Poms April 27, 2018

So by the time most of you read this, I will be on my way to see Mr. OoT. Just me, my dog and my ridiculous thoughts. There’s only one of 2 ways this weekend will end up. There are some fun things planned. There are some huge question marks. I’m actually kinda nervous. No clue how I’ll react when I see him. No clue how he’ll react when he sees me. No clue how he wants me to react. No clue how I want him to react. I just want to find out already.

When we originally discussed the backtracking to ‘dating’ and he told me about the no sex decision, I clarified that we could still make out. A lot. I mean a lot, a lot. He’s a pretty amazing kisser. I’m not too shabby in that department either. With absolutely no flirting since then, I’m unsure if that has been taken off the table though? Why would someone do that? I’m kind of pretty sure he’s maybe trying to convince himself and me that he doesn’t like me as much as he does? Then again, there is the less encouraging option that he really doesn’t anymore. I don’t even know how I feel at this point. I’ve driven myself (and all of you) crazy with my neuroses. It’s embarrassing, really.

Dammit, I SWEAR I believe in manifesting your future. Good thoughts & good energy will be rewarded with good results. Why the FUCK can I not do this with my romantic life?!?!

As your reward for being my virtual cheerleaders, I will stop posting my incessant bullshit until next time.

Soooooo……Let’s all hope & cheer for a good weekend full of fun, clarity, kindness and affection. Oh, and sex. Lots and lots of sex.

**As an aside, Mr. OoT did text me last night. From his place. With his friend. Date must have ended early 😉 His final text to me was “Good night Grey. See you tomorrow?” Cute that he’s asking if I’m still planning on coming. If only he knew how much I worried that he’d cancel on me!

**updated to add that this morning started with a good morning and some flirty texts. His date last night (if there was one) must have sucked. His hot & cold with me is annoying, but I guess it’s commendable that he only flirts with one person at a time? Now don’t get your panties in a wad; my head is on fairly straight today. We’ll see how the weekend goes……

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Thursday Update April 26, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 4:08 pm

Oh look! A real time update! What a treat. I know I’ve conveyed and annoyed ad nauseum (just like I said I wouldn’t do) my insane internal dialogue that’s been going on this week. I assumed tonight would be every bit as bad.

You’ll find this hard to believe, but it’s now 5pm on Thursday and I am absolutely positive that he is meeting someone tonight. I haven’t heard from him since a short and impersonal text at noonish. Here’s the part that you won’t believe….I’m fine. Calm, a little sad, but not my neurotic self.

It is what it is and all will be clear tomorrow. I haven’t texted him, and aside from letting me know he got home safe and then the 1 other text, he hasn’t contacted me. I don’t expect to hear from him before tomorrow. I think he’s been avoiding talking to me this week so he wouldn’t have to tell me about whoever this person is. I have a feeling that he likes her and doesn’t want to have to tell me. I also have an odd feeling that it might be The Hairdresser from last month. No clue of course.

I’m completely exhausted. Mentally. I’ve done this to myself. I’m just looking forward to this being over. And by ‘this’ I either mean ‘us’ or just my insane insecurity regarding ‘us’.

 

What Now April 24, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 6:46 pm

So weird. Or maybe not. We texted pretty much the entire day yesterday. He’s sent me ‘good morning, Grey’ texts the past couple of days. That alone is enough to make me smile and I KNOW how lame that makes me sound. Whatever. It just does. Feel free to unfollow me.

He sent me a text when he was off work last night. Didn’t hear much from him after that. We send each other U Tube links to songs we like throughout the day. We chat about nothing. He sends me pics of where he’s working. Last night, aside from 2 music links sent, I heard nothing.

He has a hard job when he’s away. He works long hours. I assume he’s exhausted when he gets off work. The fact that we used to have 8 hour phone conversations though makes me wonder. I do believe he’s a loner at heart. I do also believe that he’s kind of desperate to find someone. I don’t mean desperate in a ‘he’s a loser and should feel lucky that anyone will give him the time of day’ way. He’s not. He’s highly intelligent, he’s super attractive, he’s upbeat and friendly. He’s also new to online dating and I am just going to assume that as quickly as he moved with me, he will with the next one. He responds to ALL online messages that he receives. He feels that it’s rude not to. He is quick to give out his phone number and exchange personal information. In the one day that he was online before, in addition to sending out countless messages, he had already invited someone over to watch a movie (and, I swear to god, he was actually going to watch a movie), had a date set up, had spoken to someone at length already (who he proceeded to confuse me with in details) and me. I tried to warn him, when we 1st started chatting, that there are some weird and dishonest people online and that he just got lucky finding me as I’m one of the more normal ones (shut up! I am!).

I feel as if he’s already back online looking. Attempting to line up dates for when he gets back to town on Thursday. I also feel he may have been back on line before he dumped me. He assumed that I was (I wasn’t), so I’m pretty sure he re-activated his profile last week. I have no idea whether this is true or not, but our lack of evening contact leads me to believe that he’s concentrating on others. Or maybe not. Maybe he’s reading. Maybe he’s playing minecraft. Maybe he’s talking to his brother or his friends on the phone. Maybe he’s sleeping. I just don’t know. It’s just how my mind works. 😦

I’ve always been this way. Kind of why I hate text messaging. If someone, who I know has his phone with him pretty much always, takes more than 32 milliseconds to respond, I automatically assume they’re ignoring me. That we’re over. It’s the most horrible habit in the world and SO self defeating. I never mention this to them as it would sound as lame and needy as it truly is and would probably send them running in the opposite direction, so I just keep this dirty little secret to myself and create scenarios that may, or may not be linked to any semblance of reality.

 

Mind Games

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:18 pm

So it’s already started. The spinning of stories in my head. The stories that Mr. OoT has already found someone other than me. The stories that he is calling someone else baby and sexy since he doesn’t call me either of those any more. The stories that he is giving the attention and time that used to be mine to someone else. I hate that my mind works this way. I want to be positive and hopeful. The fact remains that if I call or text and don’t hear back from him for 3 hours, I assume he’s busy falling for someone else. I am feeling needy and having a hard time balancing my desire to be the cool chick (ha) with my jealousy. I have NO idea if he’s found someone online that he’s excited about (he’s still out of town so I’m driving myself crazy over phone calls at this point – imagine what I’ll come up with when he’s back in town and actually sees them in person). I am just making horribly self defeating assumptions. I know in my heart that my merits stand on their own. I’m smart as hell, funny, easy to talk to, kind & not too harsh on the eyes. While I know this to be true, I still manage to convince myself that I am so easily replaceable. Thanks fucked up self esteem and past history. Gah.

I need to just be able to keep my shit together until this weekend until I can see how we do in person. I told him about the hotel room that I booked and he wasn’t thrilled. He was very nice about it and said he realized how hard this was for me, but I think he took it as a bit of an insult to him. I tried to explain it as a ‘trying to do the right thing and knowing that 3 days is a long time to have me in your place, so I want to be able to give you the space to communicate with the other women’. He took it as I think he’ll be completely disrespectful and rub my nose in the other women (that may, or may not actually exist). That isn’t it at all. That never even crossed my mind that he would do that. I was honestly trying to do the right thing for everyone (even the faceless online skanks). I need to stop giving a shit about ‘doing the right thing’. I don’t care about how ‘unfair’ my visit is for these other women (real or imagined).

I want to ask him where my terms of endearment have gone. I want to ask him how often he wants to hear from me. I want to ask him what the hell is going on. I want to ask him why I got downgraded. I want to ask him that, if by some slight chance that I am able to handle just being in the ‘rotation’, that I truly would be ‘in the running’. All pathetically needy questions. I can’t/won’t ask him though as I also have the fear that he will tell me not to come this weekend. To be clear, he has said/done NOTHING to make me think this way. I think he’s trying to do the right thing by no longer referring to me in such grand and forever terms. By not calling me the little terms of endearment that I have grown to really like. By not calling so much anymore period. Boo me.

I am really looking forward to spending time with him this weekend. I want it to be fun and drama free (meaning: I hope I can keep my shit together while there and be positive and fun). I want us both to realize what it is we want out of the other and stop with the bullshit. I am well aware that the general consensus upon hearing ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ really means ‘I just don’t want a relationship with YOU’. I guess we’ll see. Fucking phone relationships. Such bullshit.

This post wasn’t intended to be about Mr. OoT, but as he’s at the forefront of my thoughts, this is what you get.

(edited to add to this overly disjointed post: I am doing a little better today. I am holding onto the small things that have been said. While not an outright declaration of I WANT TO SEE YOU (which is probably what it would take at this point to get my mind to completely settle) I am concentrating on the mentions of his coming to visit me next; of his son wanting to do an escape room in town; of what we’re doing Friday night; of us being able to joke about being ‘that couple’ in the overly chlorinated hotel indoor pool. Of his installing my windshield wipers for me. Nope, doesn’t seem like much, but it’s helping. A little.)

 

Oh Good, Here It Comes… April 19, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:15 am

*** this post was written yesterday morning before any of the amazing comments from my last post even existed***

You know, that awesome stage after I get dumped where I beat myself up over what I could have done differently to have prevented Monday’s D Day (thank you karma; you truly are a bitch) from happening? The stage when I bore you and all my friends ad nauseam about things? Yes, that one!

Here’s the thing. Although the 1st thing I’ve done upon waking the past 3 mornings is cry and it’s been a REALLY rough couple of days, I’m not sure I could have done anything to prevent this. I think I knew from the beginning that this would end sooner than later. Don’t misunderstand and think I wanted it to, I didn’t. I think I always somehow knew that Mr. OoT would back out and actually think I helped facilitate it with all my indecision. I had been hopeful that that window had passed with all his flattering talk about future trips and explorations as well as sexy talk about our upcoming weekend together (er, you all realize that we haven’t even slept together, yes?). Apparently I liked this one, and not in a crazy overly-obsessive way either. I truly thought, and looked forward to, us having a lot of fun together. I truly did see myself falling for him. Let’s be honest here, I had already started to.

I think only speaking by phone, not in person, for all but 1.5 days did not serve us well. I think his leaving town for work just a week after meeting was a death sentence. Or maybe just postponed the inevitable. He has BIG misperceptions about me. BIG. No clue where he garnered his information from, but some of it is way off base. Did he make it up? Did I say it? Did he take one of my sarcastic comments as reality? Does it even matter?

It’s sad and shitty and it sucks. A lot. I’m amazed the entire evolution of our short lived relationship was via phone (granted, hundreds of hours of phone calls, but still). I’m kind of astounded that he doesn’t even want to see me in person before making this decision. To even see how we do in person. This is just so weird and goes against all logic.

We had plans to see each other next weekend when he returned from work. My dog and I were going to spend the weekend with he and his son. It was all planned. I would drive up there next Friday. We’d have a few hours alone before he needed to pick up his son. Dinner with his brother. Drinks & pool with his friends. Roller coasters on Sunday. It was going to be fun and I was very much looking forward to it and getting to spend some ‘in person’ time together. I asked him if he could at least hold off on his decision until after we see each other. He said no, that it would just postpone the inevitable. Boo.

I still want to go (oh stop yelling at your phones). What I am unsure of is if I want to go just so I can get some closure in talking face to face and seeing if I even want to try the friend thing or the much more Grey patented shitshow move of trying to change his mind (I warned you). I may not stay the weekend, but I do feel we at least owe it to ourselves to talk face to face. Who knows.

I mentioned still coming and somewhat surprisingly he said I still could, but that he didn’t think I’d want to. I asked him if I decided to come, if he would promise not to cancel on me last minute. He said he couldn’t make that promise. Honest Fucker. I asked him to quantify the chances of him cancelling on me. He approximated between 25-33%. Super. No clue what I’ll decide to do. Pretty sure I’ll ask if I can come up next Friday as planned to talk. Then IF we both decide I should stay (as a friend or otherwise), I would. As stupid as it sounds, we’ve never been together for more than a day. I kind of want to find out if we even vibe in person (who am I kidding? We have fucking KILLER chemistry). Kinda hope we don’t get along so I can just let go and walk away. Then again…….

We’ve been texting and talking a bit over the past couple of days and although he is always responsive and engaged, it’s ME initiating. So amazingly awesome for my ego. *insert eye-roll here* We don’t talk about anything having to do with ‘us’ as I kind of feel like a whiny loser when I do that. In my head, while we talk at night, I worry that he is busy clicking away and messaging on Plenty of Fish. Cool. Love how my brain works. No clue if he’s actually even back online, but kinda feel like he already might be. I probably need to mention to him about not scheduling any dates (real or imaginary) for next Friday when he gets home though ……..

***FYI; just spoke with my bff and from what she knows and what I’ve told her, she thinks he DOES like me. That he IS into me. That I probably scare him because I have my shit together and am unlike the uneducated crazies that he’s used to. Huh, kinda feel this should make me feel better. It doesn’t 😦

 

What A Weekend, Part 1 April 17, 2018

And no, before anyone goes and gets excited about anything, I don’t mean ‘what an amazing weekend’. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

Last you heard, Mr. OoT was giving me the silent treatment. He opted to end the silence with a phone call. A phone call consisting of a prepared speech coming at me with both barrels. Uh, what the hell did I do? Apparently it was 2 fold. He had seen an IG pic I posted wishing a friend’s son a happy birthday. It was a cute pic of the 2 of us with a funny, inside joke caption about his being the start of most Sunday Funday bad decisions. Totally innocuous to me as he’s a whopping 28 years old, looks about 18 and he, his mom & I go Sunday Funday drinking more than we should (in frequency AND volume consumed). Mr. OoT saw the pic and caption and assumed I was seeing him. Instead of just asking me about the photo he spent the day stewing and creating scenarios in his head.

The next thing he did was log onto Plenty of Fish. Nope, not to look for women, but to check my profile and see when I was on last. For god knows what reason, POF said I was on 2 days prior and he assumed (wrongly) that I was still dating around. I haven’t been. I haven’t been on there since before I went to see Mr. OoT. Btw, he knew about Mr. England. I called him and told him after I broke things off. He said he felt bad for Mr. England, but was happy to hear it. I stopped short of telling Mr. OoT that he was the only one I was interested in seeing, but figured he knew.  My bad.

Anyway, after the little phone tirade, I corrected Mr. OoT on all issues. It was a pretty intense call for many reasons. It seemed like he was trying to end things, but after talking it out all seemed okay. I even asked if we were good and he said yes, we were.

Or so he said………

 

Migraines April 14, 2018

Filed under: Uncategorized — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:59 pm

Anyone who has ever suffered from them knows how much they suck. I usually only get them twice a year when the weather changes or when I’m uber stressed out. I’ve been getting them a lot lately. A LOT. Like when I was going through the whole, drawn out, lame as hell, self doubting, walking on eggshells, horribly upsetting TD years. That fucker used to give me nosebleeds from being so stressed out. Good times.

The weather in my new town kind of sucks this time of year. My awesome migraines may be a factor of that. Then again, my awesome migraines may be a factor of something else. Or someone else, to be more specific.

I haven’t written much about Mr. OoT lately. That doesn’t mean he’s out of the picture as he’s still very much in the picture. We talk often and for hours at a time. I like him. A lot. We’ve all known that from the start. We also know how different the 2 of us are. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. The more I find out, the more I like. That kind of scares the shit out of me. I don’t like having someone at the forefront of my thoughts. I fear I will fall into old patterns where I put myself 2nd. He doesn’t cause this. I bring it on myself.

He’s got some demons in his closet. We all do. Mine are just as ugly as anyone else’s. I think I just deal with them differently. Pretty sure I’ve described before how I’m an empath and just how much that sucks sometimes. I take on the emotions of others and it’s fucking draining and exhausting. I always want everyone to feel better (except when I don’t and then they can go screw themselves), so go into ‘let me fix this’ mode. Best part of all this? Although I easily say that, for some, I can turn the empath(y) off, I can’t. I don’t. It’s just there. Always on like an annoying neon sign.

Something is going on with Mr. OoT today. No clue what it is or what or whom it is caused by as he won’t talk to me, but it’s there. He’s just not being himself. I don’t know if it’s just a bad day, if something has happened at work, if something is happening with one of his kids, if an ex is pregnant or any other multitude of possibilities causing this because he won’t talk to me about it and I don’t know how to deal with it.  He just tells me not to worry, but does so in a very disconnected and almost flippant way. What I do know is that I have managed to give myself a killer migraine today worrying about him and (better yet) worrying if I have somehow done something to cause this.

Life would be so much easier if I actually was the asshole that I claim to be and just didn’t give a shit…..

 

Berger

Remember that episode from Sex In The City where Carrie gets dumped by John Berger via post-it note? So shitty, right? Completely cowardly. Well, I’m Berger, Mr. England is Carrie and the post-it note is a text message. Oh yes I did.

Mr. England messaged me yesterday to see if I could meet for coffee. Last minute. Again. I opted not to respond (because I’m completely immature and passive aggressive). Over the course of the next few hours came 4 more text messages consisting of the perfectly annoying combination of needy and passive aggressive from him. I didn’t respond to any. Then came the snide ‘so, do you want to go to the party on Sunday or are you ‘busy’ again’? Okay, enough already. Time to put on my big girl pants and do the right thing. Well, do the right thing in a completely cowardly and lame way.

I responded by ignoring all of his original messages, lying that I had my phone off (don’t ask me why) and letting him know it would be best if I passed on the party on Sunday. Then I sent a 2nd text. One letting him know that although I thought he was a terrific guy, the fact that he’s a shitty kisser was a deal breaker for me. What? Okay, no, that’s not what I said (only in my head). I told him that I think he’s great, but that in re-thinking our conversations when we last met, I thought it was for the best that we no longer see each other. Sure, I could have just told him that I wasn’t feeling it, but I didn’t want to make him feel bad. Right or wrong, that’s how my mind works. I then sat back and waited for the inevitable shitty message back from him.

It didn’t come. What did arrive was a concerned, ‘was it something I said?’. An understanding ‘you seemed reluctant to move forward’ and a sad emoji face (of course there was an emoji). I sent back ‘no worries, it’s all for the best; I hope you find someone wonderful’. He then sent back a ‘U2’ with a kissy emoji.

He is a good guy. A needy, unsure, shitty kissing good guy. I can’t say for certain if everything else would have been forgiven if he was a good kisser, but I assume (knowing me and the kissing whore that I am) that it might have been. As he’s not and I don’t love creepy emojis, like I told him; It’s for the best ………

 

Old Friends Emerge April 13, 2018

And by ‘old friends’ I of course mean the hottie from Tinder that unmatched me a couple of weeks back. The one that I ridiculously thought had unmatched me because I had written a rather unflattering blog post about him & figured the universe gave him a heads up. Right. I’m just that dumb sometimes.

Anyway, yesterday I reactivated my Tinder account and who do you think my 1st match was? Of course it was him. As I’m convinced that, since this is 3 times now, that the universe (and not the ridiculously small dating pool in my town) is basically giving me the thumbs up to just do him meet him already and stop dragging my feet.

He sends me a ‘hello beautiful’ and that’s where our love story began. Or at least was supposed to. We were going to meet for drinks last night. He said he’d be off work by 5. We messaged back and forth all day. At 3:30, I asked him if he had decided on a bar yet. He said no, he was still swamped with work. Whatever. I had a feeling he was going to chicken out. And he did. I texted him at 4 and let him know that although I had been looking forward to meeting him that night, that I don’t do last minute and as he hadn’t actually nailed down details, I had made other plans. Then I wished him a good night while mentally flipping him the fuck off.

As I already looked cute as hell, I decided to take myself out to dinner. I went to a favorite spot that I haven’t been to in months and grabbed a seat at the bar. Not only did the bartender remember me and my cocktail of choice, but also commented on my hair being a different color. Huh. Nice ego boost.

While I was at dinner I had 3 things happen:

1. Mr. England texted to see if I was free @ 8:30pm. Seriously? I sent back “uh, no, I already have plans with someone who plans in advance. And p.s. your learning curve regarding this seems kinda slow” dumbass

2. Some random guy plops down next to me and proceeds to hit on me. This shit never happens.

3. Mr Tinder says he’s free all weekend (no apology for being a flake, btw). I haven’t responded.

All in all, I’d call today a total #win for my ego!

 

Pretty Sure D Day Is Tomorrow April 10, 2018

Well what the hell does the D stand for? Decision day? Dreaded day? Dumping day? Doubtful day? Could be any of these things. Could be all of them wrapped up into one.

I’ve been trying to give Mr. England the benefit of the doubt and to make sure it’s not just Mr. OoT clouding my judgement, but he seems to be annoying me more and more.

Yesterday was a string of needy text message. Complete with the overuse of emojis. No, seriously. It’s just weird. Here is a screenshot of just a few of yesterday’s messages.

He would text, give me about 32 seconds to respond and then text again. I eventually just stopped responding. Then it happened. That damn fucking clown emoji that I have asked him not to send me. So weird. He then layed his cards on the table and told me that although he knows he’s being pushy, he just really likes me and can’t tell what I am thinking. Well damn. Uh….

We had plans to see a movie tomorrow night, but as I am not excited about the prospect of fending off his groping attempts (and I’m fresh out of mouse-traps), I just asked if we could meet for drinks instead. I KNOW he wanted to go to the movies again for just that reason. It’s like dating a 13 year old…

I guess I have a decision to make….

 

Sunday Thoughts April 8, 2018

I swear he doesn’t mean to come off so creepy (or maybe he does), but I think I’m going to need to ask Mr. England about his overuse of emojis and uber disconcerting text messages. Oh, and why the hell he doesn’t use his tongue when kissing. I have that one narrowed down to a few possibilities:

1) He’s a germaphobe

2) He doesn’t know any better

3) No one has ever told him how weird it is

I have a feeling that if we ever do sleep together that he will

1) make me shower 1st

2) not be very creative

3) minimal foreplay 😦

Anyway, he sent me a text last night. I had told him that I have a migraine. He sent back:

Aww, poor baby. I wish I was there to rub your temples (and other things) *string of weird emojis*

See what I mean? I know, I know. You’re all wondering why I continue to see him if I feel this way. Guess I’m waiting to discover if there is something I’m missing? I want to give him the chance to prove me wrong? I want to make sure it’s not just Mr. Out of Town clouding my judgement?

We are going to the movies on Wednesday night, so I guess we’ll see. Not really a fan of movie dates, but assuming he feels it is the best way to get to grope me?

 

Protected: No Take Backs April 1, 2018

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