The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Were There Men Even On Board? May 24, 2018

So. Much. Fun. So. Many. Cocktails. Got back Sunday from my 3 day whirlwind cruise. So glad I went. Even though the ‘jr suite’ that I shared with 2 friends was more like a ‘not so much jr suite’ and I slept on this odd folded out futon like couch thing (diagonally, might I add as it was uber short and I am not), I had a blast.

There were 13 of us in all. And about 6 of that 13 were all about the drama. Tears, tantrums and rudeness included. I successfully avoided it all. And spent most of my time at the bar. Every bar. My ‘core group’ all got the ‘unlimited drinks’ package and, as it’s not really unlimited and is instead limited to 15 drinks per day (boo Carnival), it was an unwritten agreement to try and reach our limit each day. #lifegoals. Sadly, and surprisingly considering we started drinking at 9am each day, I never actually hit 15. Apparently I’m lame. Or just a cheaper date than I used to be.

The laughter was plentiful, the drinks strong, the re-bonding of friendships awesome. The only thing that could have made the experience better would be an in board hook up. Sorry friends, I broke my vacation fling streak.

There weren’t many cute singles on board. There were lots of younger men with ironic man buns though. No thank you. I heard, on night #1 that there was a group of age appropriate hotties spotted in the dining room, but I was not alerted. Damn greedy bitches. I do think I spotted them the next night when they all walked past me on formal night. They were every bit as attractive as I’d heard. There was even a tall nerdy one with glasses just for me. Sadly, and inexplicably, my inner social retard took over and instead of making eye contact when he looked directly at me and smiled, I looked at the ground. WTF?!?! I have no clue what happened. I would normally switch directions and follow them (is it really stalking if it’s just me?), but I totally drew a blank and brain farted on what little game I have left. Eh, oh well, at least they were pretty to look at, however briefly.

I am back home, missing my friends terribly, still awaiting my room service coffee to be delivered to my room and, for some strange reason, am unable to locate the buffet. Damn reality….

 

Bad Decisions on the High Seas May 16, 2018

This weekend I am off for a girls’ trip aboard a shitty little cruise ship to a shitty little destination. I sound excited, right? Well, I am. If only because my FOMO kicked in and I truly miss my friends that I moved away from almost a year ago. When they all told me about the trip, my thoughts ranged from ‘that sounds like a horrible idea’, to ‘seriously? a 3 day cruise? who does that?’ to ‘damn, I’m going to be missing out’. As I am still not working (or looking, for that matter), I absolutely should not be going. Oh lookie there, my financial decisions are just as good as my romantic ones! I’m going. Fuck it.

All of the women going on the trip are single. Heaven help any men aboard the ship as more than a few of us are a bit boy crazy. Although you will all agree that I am kind of pre-occupied with finding someone of the opposite sex, compared to several of my friends I’m a complete amateur in that regard. No, really. I actually forsee arm-wrestles over anyone attractive. There will be shoving, tripping, running and all forms of mahem. Haven’t actually decided if I will be participating. Kinda think not.

In true Grey Goose form, of the 10 of us going, I only really care about my ‘core’ group of 4. The rest are just filler. And sort of annoying. The riff raff (kidding!) are planning a big excursion in one of the ports that will take up most of the day. I, true to form, will be forgoing that less than appealing option to stay on board and drink. And tan. And ogle the crew (yes, I’m THAT girl, stop acting surprised). Because my tribe is awesome, they are staying on board with me!

I am looking forward to a terrific trip reconnecting with friends, drinking WAY too much, eating WAY too much, acting a bit immature (go figure) and laughing WAY WAY too much. Can there ever be too much laughter though? I think not.

Mr. OoT is not thrilled that I am going on this trip and has already requested that if I do hook up with anyone, to NOT tell him. As I don’t forsee that even happening, it’s a moot point. Kinda cute that he’s worried though. As a little bonus to this post and because I have offered no real updates on him lately, Mr. OoT is out of town again working. I won’t see him for 10 more days. He has already told me that he misses me, that he wishes we could see each other more often and that *silence for the suspense* he is going to pick out a drawer for me in his room. A whole drawer! Just for me! 😉 Oh, and he also mentioned that he hid his online profile…….

 

Quarterly Re-Cap March 8, 2018

Sure, the quarter isn’t technically over, but in regards to online dating shenanigans it is. For me, at least. Time for a break. As everyone loves a good list, here is the quick and not so dirty run down of all things 2018:

1st dates had: 13 (that lucky number just about says it all, doesn’t it)

2nd dates had: 1/2 (does being invited to his house to netflix and chill really count as a date?)

Men under 5’7″ that I met: 2

Number of men kissed: 1 (but DAMN, what a good kisser he was)

Number of men I feared would chop me into little pieces and shove me into their trunk: 1

Number of men met that looked nothing like their online photos: 3

Drinks paid for: 22

Appetizers consumed: 2

Dinner dates had: 2

Embarrassing meltdowns had: 1 (I’m so proud)

Vacation flings had: 1

‘Bike Rides’ had: 2 (which is 2 more than I’ve had in a loooong time)

Number of hair color changes: 2

Number of men that ghosted me after 3 weeks of texting: 1

Number of dating sites I started the year on: 4

Number of dating sites I’m on now: 2

Number of dates I plan to go on this month: 0

I will now proceed to spend the remainder of March NOT dating, NOT responding to men that I am not appropriately excited about, NOT obsessing over why guys think the way the do or what I may have done ‘wrong’. I will enjoy my uber dark hair (eek!), try to figure some shit out and just go about my business without the awesomeness of online dating. By awesomeness, I of course mean not so awesome. Oh, and I hid my Tinder profile. Sorry Mr. 40 year old, 6’2″ 175lb man/stick figure.

 

2 More…. March 5, 2018

Nights, not 28 year olds silly. Still at the beach, still loving everything about being here. Kinda lost my mojo after the 1st night though.

Not sure where it went. Not feeling so awesome about myself for whatever reason. Not sure why. Oh wait, yes I do. Those friends that like to pigeon hole me are at it again. Today alone I have been asked why I’m so pissed off (I wasn’t), why I was in a bad mood (I wasn’t), I was (jokingly, I assume/hope) teased for being a drunk (I’m not) and a whore (I wish). I was referred to as old too. All amazing things for my self confidence.

There is a whole new slew of college boys in town. Sure, they’re MUCH to young for me, but the fact that are joking around and chatting up all my friends (who are much older than me) and haven’t even glanced in my direction is a total bummer.

To top it all off, I just totally lost my shit. In a public place. In front of everyone. Regarding an amazingly ill handled issue. You see, in addition to being a snarky professional online dater, I’m a very intelligent & well spoken woman (on any topic not regarding a cute guy) who doesn’t really enjoy not beimg in control of my emotions. Alcohol may have been involved…..

 

Pit Stop February 28, 2018

So I am in my old home town for the day before heading to the beach tomorrow. I saw friends for drinks and dinner last night and it was kinda weird. Like watching a story progress without the central character. I love my friends. I really do. I am actually the connection for everyone. I’m the one that brought the group together. I am the one that created the events and introductions. I love that my friends all get along. Such a weird feeling to see all those relationships progress from the sideline.

So while I am wasting time before meeting with my accountant (please say a little prayer for me; I fear it’s going to get ugly), I have found a park to sit at. With a lake. And ducks. And wifi. And Tinder. And Bumble. And I have to wonder…..where the hell were these hot guys I’m seeing when I lived here?!?!?!!?

 

It’s All About The Angles February 27, 2018

As long as I am being held captive at the airport with an apparently never departing flight, I figured I’d fill you in on the sad state of affairs that is my online dating life.

Mr. Vacation, who I met a good 2 weeks ago, has been texting from his vacay. As I was already semi annoyed by his lack of scheduling a 2nd date before he left, these latest unveilings have not been welcome.

Let’s backtrack to our 1st meeting. We met at a bar (duh) and had cocktails and chatted. We sat at a square table and instead of him sitting across from me, he sat next to me. Basically at a 90° angle to me. So pretty much, we were talking to the side of each other’s heads. I didn’t mind it at the time as I was able to steal glances at him and the left side of his head was kind of attractive. He had a beard and mustache, which I’m totally not into, but decided I might be able to deal.

His online pics are all closed mouth smiles. I KNOW BETTER! He sent me a selfie yesterday. A straight on one. One with a ‘real’ smile. Teeth and all. Fucked up, crooked teeth in all their glory. I can’t do bad teeth! I never know where to look when talking to someone with distractingly bad teeth. Dammit.

It gets worse. He just sent me another selfie. Apparently he decided to shave today. But only his beard. He has left a goddamned porn-stache circa 1975 AND a little soul patch. If there’s anything worse than a full beard (or any facial hair for that matter), it’s a fucking porn stache.

My interest is waning. A lot…..

 

Protected: Como se Tinder? February 26, 2018

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