The Life & Times of a 54 Year Old Online Dater

Thoughts on My Experiences In Search of Love & Companionship, 10 Years Running

Sea Shells December 2, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:47 am

One of my main hobbies while at my beach haven (aside from my new daily routine of doing water aerobics with a bunch of geriatric ladies – don’t judge me) is looking for cool shells while I walk the beach.

Shells. like people, absolutely fascinate me.  There are so many different shapes and sizes.  Appearances and histories.  I wonder how a shell is formed out of ‘nothing’.  So many curves and colors and textures and intricacies.  Some are beautiful beyond belief.  Some are so fun and colorful that you can’t help but smile when you find one.  Some are so amazingly formed.  Some are little more challenged in appearance.  Some have holes in them.  Some are chipped.  Some are broken beyond belief. Some, you pick up to look at; something crawls out and you scream, drop it and run away.

Regardless, they are all beautiful in their own way.  Just like people.  Just like people as well, some are broken.  Some are chipped.  Some are a little less pretty to look at.  Some have a weird appearance.  Some make you wonder what the hell ever lived in them.

Some get scooped up by me to add to my collections.  Some I absolutely love.  Some I just kinda like.  Some make me smile.  Some freak me out and some make me drop them like a hot potato and leave them on the beach for someone else to find.

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All Men Are Secretly 13 Year Old Girls November 29, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 3:00 pm
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So Repo Man. Or The P.I. Or whatever I used to refer to him as for the past 5 years….As I can’t remember how to link a past blog post, here is the Cliff’s Notes Version:

I “met” him online close to 5 years ago. We didn’t actually meet in person until about 3 years ago. Repo Man doesn’t like to be alone. He hops from girlfriend to girlfriend to fiance to girlfriend. I only hear from him when he is either between girlfriends or needs relationship advice. Our 1st date was kiboshed because he ‘met the one’ on the Friday before our scheduled Sunday date. (He has since met no less than 10 ‘the ones’)

We have made several plans over the years that he inevitably cancels last minute. It has always bothered me a bit, but not tons as, although he is always super flirty with me and loves to ask ‘how come we never dated?’ (Uh, stop cancelling on me dumbass), as we weren’t actually dating, it was no biggie. This year those “plans” were super dramatic, involved and intrusive. For me. He wanted to move to my town and for whatever reason, it had to be immediately. Instead of letting him make a huge mistake, I dropped everything and researched and toured different places for him to live. He had the dates set so I cleared my schedule for his move. He went radio silent for about a week and then, 2 days before he was supposed to be here, he said he was going to give his current relationship one more try and thus wasn’t moving.

Whatevs, good for him. I really have no skin in this game and had decided long ago that he was a bit too ‘dramatic’ for me. He, on the other hand, I believe stayed in touch as Plan B. Radio silence set in (again) right after his latest decision. A few weeks later, I noticed his status (on FB – the root of all evil) was from another town (and state). He had, in fact, moved away. Okay, Good for him. Of course I still heard from him when he had issues or needed to talk thru things. He never seemed to go more than a month without a new girlfriend. The most recent relationship stories were super intense and, frankly, ridiculous. He would post tons of photos and tag the new woman and then, inevitably, any sign of her would disappear. I always assumed it was the woman unfriending/blocking him. Again, not my circus.

He was supposed to come for a visit in September as he still wanted to check out my town. September 27th, to be exact. I cleared my schedule, made touristy plans for his stay, cancelled a concert I was supposed to go to with friends as he didn’t want to go and got the guest room ready for his weekend visit.

My best friend encouraged me to “give him another shot”. I said no. I need someone with a bit more emotional maturity and less whininess drama. I was still happy to have him come for a visit and he always been super kind and nice to me, so why not?

2 nights before he was due to arrive, he canceled. Said he was sick. He cancelled his plane ticket. You can’t choose when you get sick, right? I told him to please rest up and take care of himself. That was the last contact for 2 months.

A couple weeks ago I saw his telltale signs of a new relationship. Photos were plastered all over FB including a cute pic of he and some woman at the beach with declarations of awesomeness. Too bad the date on the photos was September 27th. Wait. What?!

If there’s anything I hate more than flakes and stupidity, it’s being played for a fool. Nice going. I didn’t bother to message him as I assumed, as always, I would hear from him when this latest relationship fell apart.

I heard from him last week. He sent a text and wanted to know how a trip I had just taken went. I replied that the trip was good and that I hoped he was well. I then sent : “did I really see pics of you with a new woman on the beach dated the same weekend you were too sick to come see me?”

He sends back some scattered and SUPER defensive reply about how the dates were inaccurate (huh?) and how he didn’t appreciate me calling him a liar. Uh, what? I didn’t; I simply asked a question. Sure it was a bit passive aggressive, but too bad. After 5 years of him cancelling on me and ‘Plan B’ ing me, I was over it. I replied that I didn’t call him a liar and was simply asking a question as the dates coincided. Then I noted that he was being weirdly aggressive & defensive in his response.

He then declared “this is the last time I explain myself or my actions to you!” And then immediately blocked me on social media. What the ever living fuck?

Jesus! Drama queen much?! I am so tired of men not being able to have adult conversations or be honest. It’s so tiring. Apparently I hit a nerve. Or called him out on his bullshit. Either way, good riddance Repo Man. Now I understand why your relationships don’t last…….

Oh, and fuck you.

 

So….About Yesterday… November 25, 2020

I swear it had to be a full moon. I know it wasn’t, but damn, some weirdly stupid shit happened.

I am at my happy place for the winter. I was sitting on a friend’s patio when an ex friend (would love to share the backstory, but I have no clue what I did. No, really) walks by and calls me a bitch. Waot, what? I wasn’t even looking in her direction. She then calls another friend a c*nt, flips us off and calls us mean girls. Uhm, what just happened?

Although I love a good Mean Girls reference, we were all shocked. Oh, and pissed. I ‘may’ have suggested she adjust her meds after she called us all names. She then announced that she wasn’t on any (hmmm, may be something she wants to consider, just saying) and that I’M the one who needs to be medicated.

Hello dumbass, that’s what vodka is for. 😉 Kidding. Kind of. So surreal and unprovoked. People are nuts.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, I heard from Repo Man/The P.I. (I can’t remember what I used to call him or how to link previous posts 🙄). Mr. Nice Guy was either drinking or has some issues as it wasn’t pleasant……. stay tuned

 

The Kiss Of Death September 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:26 pm
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It seemed that travel plans would always mark a breakup for Mr. OoT and I. I love to travel and let’s face it, it’s just more fun (and affordable) with 2.

I planned a trip overseas for his 48th birthday. The day after his birthday he thanked me for ruining his birthday and congratulated me on making it the worst birthday ever for him. Uhm, okay. We broke up that day.

We planned the next overseas trip for the following February. We broke up (again) in January.

I planned (and paid for) an overseas trip for his 50th birthday in December. We broke up in August.

More than half of our breakups happened while at my south of the border happy place. One of these days I may put the effort into deciding if that was strategic on his part.

Come to think of it, we actually don’t travel well together. He would inevitably throw a hissy fit about heaven knows what and it was always a main priority to do and see whatever he wanted 1st.

The February trip (where we had separate rooms) and he was trying to win me back was the only great trip we’ve had. He had promised me, at the end of the trip, that if I could find a specific trip within his budget for Italy, he would pay for me to go. What? A free trip to Italy?!? Of course I was going to take him up on that! I also made a promise to myself that we would NOT get back together and that I was just in it for the future promised free travel.

Damn….

 

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Come….

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 7:47 am
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The apology you deserve. The explanation you hoped for. The clarification you needed.  And you know what? That’s okay.

In a year that has been less than stellar for OH SO MANY reasons (I have a plethora of unpublished drafts from this year; and last for that matter), one long awaited positive has come about. I am done with Mr. OoT. Yes, finally. Yes, for real. No really. It’s been 6 weeks since our unnecessarily dramatic breakup. 6 weeks since he told me to (and I quote) “get the fuck out of his life and never speak to his family again”. While I absolutely did the 1st, he can fuck off if he thinks I’ll follow the 2nd.

It was so weird (and by weird, I mean super shitty) how things ended up playing out. We had taken a road trip to see his daughter’s family. Mr. OoT and I had gotten in an argument a few days prior where he threw something exceedingly personal that I trusted him with back in my face. I hadn’t yet forgiven him and wasn’t actually/finally sure that I could or would.

Mr. OoT was SUPER cold to me the entire trip and visit. He was his usual self involved narcissistic self. It was weird/sad/embarrassing/horrifying seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes. His entire family knows exactly who he is and what he’s capable of, so it was no surprise to them when or how it came about. Anyway, seeing our relationship through his daughter’s eyes was, frankly, embarrassing. Sure, Mr. OoT could be kind and charming and generous and chivalrous and complimentary and amazing when he wanted. He just didn’t want to. With me. Anymore.

I was basically a non entity in our relationship. Everything was always about him and I was (finally) tired of it. I had gone for a drive alone the day before we were set to leave. When I got back to the house I asked Mr. OoT if he wanted to stay an extra day as his daughter and her husband were disappointed that we were leaving the next day. His response to me was that he didn’t want to spend one more second with me than he had to and that he had been miserable every day for the last 6 months. Uhm, what the fuck?!

I have no clue what, exactly, had set him off on that particular day but I told him he either needed to apologize or he could find his own way home (500+ miles away). He opted to “double down” and throw in a few more scathing comments instead. So I did it. I left him there.

It took two and a half overly stressful and self confidence crushing years for me to come to this one conclusion. I DO matter. I SHOULD count. I DESERVE someone who makes me a priority at least part of the time.

I’m not going to lie, I cried most of those 500 solitary miles home. We have blocked each other on social media and have had zero contact (well, aside from that amazingly ill timed funeral thing that following week). Have I missed him? Yes. Have I missed having someone? Yes. Have I wanted to reach out? Also yes. Have I? No. And I’m not going to. I deserve better. I deserve respect and kindness and understanding and romance and butterflies. I deserve someone who will be kind to me even when I’m being a bitch. Someone who won’t hold our relationship for ransom. Someone who will still care when I am exhausted and have nothing to give. I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make everything about him and on his terms; According to what he feels I deserve or have earned at that particular moment.

In these past 2 1/2 years we have fought countless times. Have broken up often. Have gotten back together way too much. He has called me horrible names and ignored my feelings. He has tuned me out more times than I can count. He has violated trusts. I’m self aware enough to realize I’m no picnic to be with, but even at my worst, I deserve unconditional love and kindness.

In the end though it was none of those things (or maybe it was all of those things) that finally had me walk away. I just knew I’d never be able to count on him when it mattered most. I was with a man who actually made me feel lonely and as if I didn’t matter. I don’t want to be lonely WITH someone. No one should be.

And thus, my friends who have waited for 2 1/2 infuriating years for me to finally listen to everyone and move on; I have. For my own feeling of self worth. For my own happiness. And, of course, for my horrifying stories of online dating. You’re welcome. 😉

 

Much Overdue April 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 8:19 am
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** this post is from April and kind of a missing link **

Understatement of the year. I wanted to update all two of you everyone on Grey Goose’s state of affairs. First and foremost, thank you to all that kept good thoughts for my doggie. After being in the ICU for over a week and almost losing him 2 more times, he was discharged to me. I thought it was hard having him in ICU! I had no idea how hard having to force feed, give meds to around the clock and generally keep him alive would be. I did it. He did it. After several more weeks in a shitty hotel and innumerable blood tests and follow up visits, I was given the okay to embark on the 18 hour drive back home. He is still in treatment and there is every possibility that he could relapse, but for now, finally, he is doing well.

Okay, crisis #1 averted. I still had crisis #2 to deal with. Remember that trip I said I had planned with Mr. OoT? The one that he said he would only NOT go on if I paid him for his ticket? The one that we had planned for almost a year? The one that was pretty tops on my bucket list? Yes, that one. What to do, what to do? My dog was still very sick, I hadn’t spoken to Mr. OoT since the ‘I never wanted to be with you’ phone call. Did I want to travel and leave my dog behind? Did I want to see Mr. OoT? The answer to both of these questions was a resounding NO. It wasn’t until the night before we were supposed to leave and an emergency dinner with friends (they ate, I cried) that I decided to go. My dog was in VERY good hands with my most trusted friend (actually an old boyfriend who we always joked loved my dogs more than he did me – truth), I didn’t have trip insurance and just having spent well over 8 grand saving my doggie (thank you CARE card), I knew if I didn’t go on this trip now, I never would.

So I went. And Mr. OoT was amazing. Helpful and kind and patient and wonderful. I had to keep reminding myself that this was the version of himself that I only got to see 10% of the time, at most. We had separate rooms and there was no ” funny business”, but the trip and he were great.

I promised myself we wouldn’t get back together……..

 

This Has Nothing To Do With Dating February 1, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 10:23 pm

Or maybe it does. I don’t know at this point. Rarely do I ever completely overlap my social media and my blog (makes it sound like I have some sort of following, which I don’t). I am always careful to not give away too many clues as to who I am in real life. I mean, I AM who I portray myself to be in my blog as in life, but to protect myself from someone going “AHA! I know this is……..”

Crazy cat ladies are a real thing. I found out yesterday that the Private Investigator happens to be engaged to one. No clue why, but whatevs. He was telling me how he had to get rid of half his clothes when moving into the fiance’s 4 bedroom house. Uhm, shouldn’t that be plenty of room so the poor man has somewhere to hang his garments? One would think. But no. No, because the fiance’s cats have a room of their very own. Closet and all. Of course they do….

I digress and this bridge between topics will be rough. Very rough. Just like my life right now. I am the canine version of a crazy dog lady. Sure, I’ve stopped short of giving my dogs their very own room (and closet), but I LOVE my dogs. All 3 of them. I have a favorite. Everyone does. Mine is super chill and amazing and cool looking and loves everyone. Rarely do I take him anywhere where people don’t stop to comment and pet him. He’s amazing. He was one of my mom’s cast offs 9 years ago (she sucks) when I told her I would take him on a trial basis. I’ve almost decided to keep him. 😉

He’s sick. VERY sick. We were at our beach haven last week and he was fine on Monday. By Tuesday afternoon he was fighting for his life and still is. I found him treatment for his ridiculously evil and aggressive blood disorder that came out of nowhere in Mexico. I thought I was doing the right thing. Come to find out, I wasn’t. I ended up having to rush him across the border, 4 hours away to a US critical care animal hospital. He’s not improving. He’s getting worse. He’s been given a slim chance of survival. His treatment, if he survives, is long, complicated and expensive. I can’t afford it, but I’m doing it. He deserves to live. It’s not his time. I’m doing my best to stay positive but it’s getting increasingly hard when every phone call and medical update is a discouraging one. I can’t lose my boy. I just can’t. I’m used to being the fixer. I can’t fix this. I can’t make him better.

I’m in the town I used to live in. Literally knowing hundreds of people (and 2 family members) and yet I’m alone. All alone staying in a shitty cheap hotel near the Animal hospital and feeling very sorry for myself. I’ve gotten calls and texts and have a hundred people supporting me from afar, yet no one is here to hold my hand. No one is here to dry my tears. No one is here to help me through this. It’s weird and has me second guessing the friendships I have. I’m falling apart and am doing it alone.

In a moment of weakness I called Mr. OoT in the hopes of heaven knows what. That he would empathize and make me feel better. That he would support me. That he would focus on me and understand what I’m going through. He didn’t. He can’t. He tried, but it’s just not who he is. In an attempt to try and take my mind off of my beloved doggie, he said some things I had waited to hear for a year and a half. He apologized. He said I deserve better. He said he realized that what he had been doing for the last year was punishing me for not being the person he wanted me to be. That he never really wanted to be with me. That we never had a chance. That he was intentionally sabotaging us and himself and pushing me away on purpose. I knew he was doing that and yet I let it continue. I continued to fight for us. Apparently I was the only one doing so. Do I believe all he claims in regards to never wanting to be with me? No, I don’t. I think he’s trying to convince himself of that. I know better. I just no longer care.

Damn this post is all over the board. I’m a wreck. Not because of Mr. OoT, but because of my dog. I sit by the phone waiting for updates. I have worn the same clothes for 2 days (mainly because I literally left town with nothing but my dogs, their things and the clothes on my back). If anyone believe in prayers or healing vibes or has any words of encouragement, I would appreciate all you can spare. I’m not handling this well at all. Thanks for listening…..

 

I Miss You January 26, 2020

So read Mr. OoT’s last text to me.  Well of course you do, you big dumbass.  You had a year and half (actually, almost 2 years) to step up and at least TRY to get some help with your issues, but no, it was all too ‘inconvenient’ for you.  I just wasn’t worth it for you to put in the effort.  Idiot.

He had sent me a text with a link to a dishwasher the other day.  I ignored it.  I know what he was doing.  He counted on me to help him replace all his piece of shit appliances in his new piece of shit house.  To let him know what would look best.  To find the best deal.  To make sure all would work.  You see, Mr. OoT isn’t big on details.  I think he probably reads every 3rd word (at best) when reading descriptions (or my texts, for that matter).  The last time he ordered an appliance online, ‘it got delivered in the wrong color’.  No, my friend.  No it didn’t.  You failed to notice that the microwave you were purchasing was Almond in color, not white.

The fact that Mr. OoT’s favorite time to online shop is at night when high, it came as no surprise.  I actually had to keep myself from laughing the day the microwave got delivered and he removed it from the box.  He was SO pissed!  Anywhoo, back to this dishwasher.  It was an 18″ one.  Most people know that a standard dishwasher is either 23 or 24 inches across. For those that don’t, reading the product description as ‘compact version will fit in smaller spaces’ might be a bit of a tip-off.  This ALL escaped his notice.

He sent me a follow up message the next day asking “yes or no?”  I had more than half a mind to give him the thumbs up so he would order it and be super pissed/surprised when this mini version arrived.  As I’m not (always) a complete bitch, I wrote back that it would be better for him to order a standard sized dishwasher. He had NO CLUE that dishwashers come in different sizes. *sigh*

He then thanked me for pointing that out, said he would try not to bother me so much and then, as a separate text, sent an “I miss you” and a crying emoji.  I think by the time I am completely over all of this will be 3 seconds before we board our international flight together next month.  And then I can start the whole process over again. *sigh*

 

If You Can’t Beat Them …… January 24, 2020

So we all know how I feel that Facebook is the root of all evil. Oh, you didn’t? Well, I do. People share WAY too much information. I neither care nor am interested in knowing what you had for lunch yesterday. Or the day before. I don’t want to read about your every thought that crosses through your head.

I especially don’t want to see all the Namaste posts made by people that I know for a fact to be pretty much the opposite of Namaste and peace and love. Yes, Mr. OoT and oldest sister, I’m looking at you.

Facebook is good for keeping in touch with old friends. Facebook is for people you never really liked in your past to track you down in your present and friend request you. Facebook is to see what concerts are coming to your area. You know, important shit like that. Oh, and dog pictures. ALL the dog pictures.

It has always bothered me that people post their relationship status on Facebook. Announcing new relationships. Announcing the end of said relationships. It’s a well known fact that it’s not really real until it’s posted on Faceboo, right?

Anywho, it’s always bothered me that Mr. OoT likes to announce when he’s single (after waiting the less than appropriate 12 hours). When we 1st started dating he claimed to not know how to remove it from his main profile page. When he ‘figured it out’ on how to remove from his main profile, I discovered he had just moved it to his ‘about’ page. Again, he claimed ignorance. Btw, do we all know that Mr. OoT used to be an IT guy? Right.

So this morning, for whatever reason, I looked at Mr. OoT’s page. I looked at all his new ‘friends’. It will not surprise you to know that they are all female. Whatever. And all of them have ‘single’ as their status announced on their front page. I feel like warning them, but whatever, not my circus.

As I am, in fact, single, I opted to actually put that on my profile page. Mind you, I have never posted a relationship status on my profile. Ever. Single, dating, it’s complicated, in a relationship, nothing. I figure if I’m going to get the universe to do it’s job though, it couldn’t hurt to get a little help from Facebook, right? And maybe, just maybe, I did it as a middle finger to Mr. OoT. Namaste motherfucker…

 

Reminders January 21, 2020

Why is it that after a year and a half of tantrums (his, not mine), arguments, name calling and all around ridiculousness, my brain is fighting me to not discount all of this and remember all the good times.

All the fun we had.  The times he was sweet and thoughtful.  The time (just once) that he drove to my town to surprise me. The times he was a great boyfriend.  Our relationship was ridiculous.  Both his fault and mine.  I resisted liking him.  I fought admitting that I did.  I didn’t feel he was the type of person that I should be with.  I screwed up our relationship at the very start.  He screwed it up from there.

He has legit anger issues.  He can go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds.  He finds fault in everything.  He takes very little responsibility.  He has zero self awareness.  He fights dirty.  He always held our relationship over my head.  Always threatened to leave.  This last time he actually said, after telling me last time we were together how much he loves spending time with me and how he forgets how good we are together, that ‘he hates spending time with me’.  He did shit like that all the time.  Told me super sweet things and then, next argument, would counter by telling me how shitty I was.  Gah, it was ridiculous.

Nonetheless, I miss him.  I know I shouldn’t.  I’ve had to fight wanting to call him the past couple of days.  I’m not sure why.  Our conversations had gotten boring.  Surface as shit.  I had stopped telling him anything ‘important’ awhile ago as I didn’t want him to end up using anything important to me against me. That’s one fucked up relationship right there.

Could he be sweet and nice and supportive and charming and generous and kind?  Yes, absolutely.  Unfortunately, he could also be the most petulant, mean, petty, immature, over-reacting man alive.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  That I deserve better.  That I deserve someone capable of having a discussion without spinning it into a huge argument.  Someone who realizes that once said, you cannot take shitty comments back.

I do miss Mr. OoT.  I do not miss how he treated me 40% of the time…….

 

A Trip of a Lifetime January 20, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 9:22 am
Tags: , , , ,

With a recently ex boyfriend. Lovely. It’s been 3 weeks since the shit hit the fan and we finally called it quits. It’s been 2 weeks since our ridiculously excruciating week together at my beach haven ended and I dropped him at the airport. I haven’t spoken to him once. He’s messaged me a few times and I have not responded. He ‘likes’ all my FB and Instagram posts (like any good 13 year old would).

I’m trying to prepare myself for our upcoming trip. Both physically, mentally and logistically. It’s going to be weird. I SO wish he would do the right thing and not go, but we all know there is about .00001% chance of that happening. I called the tour company and asked for separate rooms. As the final payment has already been made, no changes are allowed without a hefty penalty. Like a BIG one! One I cannot afford.

What I can afford is to look up the hotels directly online and book an additional room and hope that it doesn’t get cancelled as a duplicate reservation. What I can do is to research tours and sights that I want to do and see and book them for myself. I am hopeful/certain that he will be ‘Charming Mr. OoT” and not “Antichrist Mr. OoT” on this trip *fingers crossed everyone*.

 

Repo Man Resurfaces January 17, 2020

Senitlity sucks. The fact that I can’t even remember my blog names for people is kinda sad.  The fact that I can’t link back original posts from the past sucks even more. For you.

Repo Man and I ‘met’ online almost 4 years ago? Maybe 3. Regardless, we never actually met in person at that time. He had asked me, way back then, if I wanted to meet on a Friday or a Sunday.  I chose Sunday.  Apparently he got lucky fell in love with someone else on that Friday. when he cancelled on me, I was fine.  We hadn’t actually met, so who cared.  I was happy for him.

We have kept in touch over the years and he would call me every now and again.  Usually for dating advice.  He is a super nice guy and his M.O. seemed to always be to give his girlfriends 3 do-overs.  Who am I to judge?  I gave Mr. OoT about 37 do-overs. Anyway, our timing never worked.  We were never single at the same time. We never actually met until last year when Mr. OoT and I were broken up (for the 28th time) and Repo Man picked me up at the airport in my old town, took me to lunch, dropped me back off at the airport to catch my connection and laid a huge kiss on me before driving off.  Caught me totally off guard, but I’m always up for a good kiss.

We texted a bit, I did see him last winter, but he was dating someone else by then.  Go figure.  As an aside, I’ve noticed that men my age (ancient) seem to not like to be alone.  They hop from one woman to the next.  I sure wish they would take some time alone to work on their own issues instead of constantly searching for someone new to ‘fit’ where they want them to.

Back to me. I hadn’t heard from Repo Man for almost a year when he called me out of the blue.  We chatted for a long time.  He said he was dating someone new.  He asked why we never dated.  He tracked me down on Facebook and friend requested me. About a month after that I see the grand announcement that he’s engage.  Uhm, what? Whatever, we ALL know he jumped the gun on this.  Not my circus.  I was a decent friend and congratulated him on Facebook.  Yey for love!

When I was back in his city last week, he asked if we could meet for lunch.  Sure, why not, I like food and he’s a nice guy.  My bff said he was interested.  I told her she was crazy.  He was engaged and probably just needed some advice.

We met for lunch, chatted for hours, exchanged relationship stories (his good, mine horrible). He asked what had happened to me.  Where my self confidence had gone.  Ouch.  He told me I was gorgeous and smart and kind and that there was something about me that just made him feel comfortable opening up to me.  This last one I take as one of the best compliments ever.  I’ve been told this many times by many different people.  I love that people feel comfortable talking to me.  I am great at advice and guidance.  For others, of course, not for myself.

He asked, again, why we never dated.  Uhm, not very appropriate when he’s engaged.  I asked if his fiance’ knew we were having lunch together.  Nope.  I asked if he had ever mentioned me to her.  Nope.  I asked how he would explain who I was to her.  I don’t even know how to explain who we are to each other.  We ‘met’ online but never actually dated yet have stayed in touch for 3 years? Probably wouldn’t go over well.  Oh well; not my circus.

Anyway, I gave him some relationship advice (again, do as I say, not as I do), he gave me a huge hug (which I definitely needed) and we went on our separate ways.  Me back to my beach haven and he to his matronly fiance’.  Ooops, did I say that?  I decided that his relationship was his deal.  He needs to decide if us having lunch is right or wrong.  My fixer days are over for others.  People need to find and follow their own moral compass.  Me?  I just need to do me for a while.

Oh, and he already asked if we could meet for lunch again when I’m back in town next month……..

 

It’s Not Official Until It’s On Facebook January 15, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 5:51 am

So I’ve been super proud of myself.  No tears, very little sadness, no temptation to call or text.  Good, right? Mr. OoT has texted a few times and I have not responded.  Yesterday he called.  I sent the call to voicemail.  Shortly thereafter I received a text saying ‘sorry, pocket dial’.  Right.

I am trying to be the bigger person.  I’m trying to realize that it’s him, not me.  I’m trying to realize that I did my best (not absolute best, but kinda best) to make things work.  I know for a fact that I deserve better.  That he’s not what I want.  That I never saw us long term.  How I let things last as long as they did will forever be a mystery (and regret) of mine.

We are still ‘friends’ on Facebook (the root of all evil).  I have not blocked him and he has not blocked me.  We still have a trip to get thru next month (reminder to myself to book a 2nd guest room at the hotels) and I refuse to let him ruin another bucket list trip for me (did I ever mention that I took him to Ireland last year as his birthday present and he threw a hissy fit in the airport and ruined the beginning of the trip?)

Anyway, as I was patting myself on the back this morning for doing so well and handling everything with grace and charm (HA! I made that last part up), what pops up on my FB news feed?  Mr. OoT changed his status to single.  Shouldn’t matter, right? I’m sure he has a lineup of shitty women waiting (he’s SUPER good looking).  I know that no one will compare to me.  I know that he is better suited to be with an equally emotionally challenged lover of all things cannabis and mushroom related yes woman.  Someone who fits right into his limited emotional availability.  Someone who can somehow deal with his horrible outbursts and narcissistic need to be ‘on top’.  To win.

Why is it that my stomach dropped a little and a wave of sadness overtook me when I saw that? 😦

 

Do Overs Are Allowed, Right? January 13, 2020

Nope, don’t throw your computer out the window.  I don’t mean with Mr. OoT.  After I wrote and posted my last entry I went back and re-read the whopping NINE posts I made in 2019.  All with varying degrees of ‘look what an idiot I am!’.  I promised I was done with Mr. OoT over and over again.  Yikes. Pretty pathetic.

I promised myself that I would start 2020 in a better place; not just geographically (because, duh, the beach) but mentally.  And I didn’t.  I let myself down.  Things had been ‘over’ for a while, I just didn’t want to admit it.  The last time I visited Mr. OoT (he bought a house towards the end of last year that I spent WAY too much time, energy and money helping fix up) pretty much illustrated how much my feelings had waned.  I was sick the week before and he was away working.  He would call and say how he wished he were there to take care of me. I said that would be awesome. He returned home and I was still sick.  Did he come take care of me like he said? No, of course not.  He was ‘busy’.  Whatever. We had agreed that when he was home that the dogs and I would come stay at his house in his town and we did.  Too bad that he was now sick.  I took care of him.  I cooked. I decorated.  I ran errands.  Know what else I did? I slept in the guest room.  Uhm…..

I don’t need a ‘buddy’.  I certainly don’t need a long distance friend. I figured I would stay in the guest room the 1st night only as Mr. OoT was coughing up a storm.  Nope. I stayed there all week.  Quite the roommate situation.  The 2nd night I was there we watched a movie on the couch.  When it was time for bed, we walked down the hall together and he kissed me on my forehead and stopped in front of the guest room door.  I said ‘really?’ He just chuckled, went into his room and shut the door. What the fuck?

Although it was the best sleep I’d ever gotten with him (he snores loud enough to wake the dead and gets up about a dozen times a night), this wasn’t what I signed up for.  When I really thought about it though, I wasn’t all that upset.  That’s when I knew we were over.  It dragged on a few more weeks and ended in the shit-show of a road trip and 1st week of the year. I dropped him off at the airport on January 7th, stayed in town to visit a few friends, and returned back to my beach haven 200lbs lighter on January 9th.

To walk into my beach haven and have it all to myself, free of negative energy and sadness was amazing.  This year I celebrated New Year’s on January 9th.  New year, new outlook, new attitude and new standards.  It is never okay to allow someone/anyone to talk to you like you’re a piece of shit.  That shit is reserved for my mother. 😉

Happy New Year!!!

 

Time To Turn My Light Back On January 10, 2020

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 2:29 pm

Happy New Year! To me! I am taking back my emotions, my decisions, my vision of self and, most horrifyingly, my online dating profile! But not quite yet on that last one 😉

2019 was a year of compromise. Of sacrifice. Of forgetting who I am, what I want and, most importantly, what I deserve. 2019 was a year of allowing someone else to dim my “light” and to crush my spirit.

I haven’t blogged much (you’re welcome) as it seemed as if I were on a constant loop of the same bullshit from Mr Out of Town (I can’t even remember if that is the blog name I gave him). I tried. I tried too hard. He tried. Kind of. We are and always have been 2 completely different people. This, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing. I liked that we had different interests and viewpoints. I liked that we had different lifestyles and motivations. I did NOT like his emotional insecurity. His inability to have a discussion about “us” without turning it nasty. His inability to not escalate EVERY situation into something it never needed to be. He fights dirty. He feels that being in an argument gives you the green light to say the most horrid and vile things. He feels that his apologies, when they came, erased all of the putrid bullshit that he said about me, about us and about everything. His mind works in a horribly fascinating way in that he remembers, quite clearly, things that NEVER happened. Defending myself against these false realities was exhausting and yet I did it.

Deep down, he has a good heart. I’ve said that a million times. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve tried to build him up. I’ve tried to improve his outlook. I’ve tried to pick my battles and let far more go than I ever should have.

He has attacked my character, my looks, my personality, my intelligence, my sexuality, my interests. He has called me names that no one that truly cares about you should ever think, much less say, to the other. He never grasped the reality that nothing said in anger didn’t already exist in your mind.

We had some good times. We had some horrible times. What it came down to was that I felt I was putting in the lion’s share of the effort and compromise. I felt that I always came last. Behind work, behind his friends, behind his drugs, behind his love of not getting off the couch or doing anything productive for days on end. He is a depressed and unhappy person who does nothing to improve his outlook or mindset. I tried my best to do this for him but I fear I only made things worse. The saying is true that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want help.

We have broken up and gotten back together more times than any sane couple should. This last time was for good. Of that, I am certain. I have always been the one to diffuse a situation and talk my way back in. This time, when he let me have it and spewed his horrible comments, I nodded and I agreed. We don’t belong together. I am unhappy. He is unhappy. We DO NOT WORK. He was supposed to be a fling. I was not supposed to fall for him. I told him we were over.

I was intent on going into 2020 having lost 200+ pounds of self doubt, anger, sadness and frustration. I did not. I gave things one last chance. I had super high hopes that this time we would work. He drove with me, my 3 dogs and my car-ful of belongings to my beach haven almost 20 hrs away. We didn’t last 2 days. I arrived at my “happy place” miserable and defeated with Mr. OoT still in tow. It was horrible. It illustrated how much my self esteem had plummeted.

He is bi-polar. A complete Jeckyl and Hyde. The roller coaster finally made me so sick that I demanded to get off. Of course, as with any of our dealings, the break can not be a clean one. We have one last trip planned for next month. It’s a bucket list trip for me. I refuse to not go. He will only not go if I buy out his ticket. Sadly, that is not possible. This past year and a half has been a shit show. When I am better able to remove myself from the situation, I will share some stories. They do not make me look good. As completely self aware as I am is exactly how UN self aware he is. I just hope that we can get thru next month’s trip relatively unscathed.

This is just as much my fault as it is his. He showed me who he was right up front. I set the standard for how I allowed him to treat me. Oil and water just do not mix no matter how hard you try shaking things up.

Sorry that this post is disjointed and woe is me ish. I needed to get this out there so I can start fresh. I need to be able to tell “our story” clearly and honestly so that I never let this happen again. With anyone.

To those of you that have been with me for a while, your check is in the mail. 😉 You deserve an award. I promise the fun, witty, non self-loathing me will be back soon. It’s a new year (just started a week late for me) and I refuse to go backwards.

Xoxoxoxoxo