43 & Single – Heaven Help Me, I've Resorted To Internet Dating!

Ridiculous & Random Stories & Thoughts on My Experiences

Fast Track February 8, 2018

Not sure what this phrase even means.  I guess it’s up for interpretation.  To me it means getting to point B from point A as fast as possible.  To me it implies taking shortcuts and not really valuing the quality of the ‘route’ but just trying to accomplish something as fast as possible.  Mistakes and shoddy quality be damned.

You can imagine the look I gave my friend as we sat at happy hour on Monday with a mutual friend who is married.  We were regaling her with our stories of online dating.  My friend, who is my Bumble compatriot, says ‘yeah, Grey is on the fast track’.  Wasn’t quite sure how to take that.  Of course my 1st inclination was to be offended.  And I sort of was.

Is that what I’m doing by being on several dating sites at once and going on more than the average number of dates?  I never thought of it as ‘fast tracking’ (proven my 7 years, give or take, of online dating – thus, the blog).  I think of it more as a game of numbers.  And by game, I of course mean a lengthy and soul crushing journey to find the bright shinny penny in the piles of garbage.  Yes, there’s someone for everyone.  My someone just seems to be hiding.  Either that or I’ve already met him and scared him off.  Yikes. That thought scares the hell out of me.  I’ll choose to go with the hiding theory.

I am currently on Bumble, Plenty of Fish & Tinder.  I have several pen pals on Tinder.  I’ve yet to meet anyone off of there.  I’m still on the fence as to whether it’s a hookup site or not.  Plenty of Fish provided NYE date and several unsuitable dates.  Bumble is just kind of ‘meh’.  I did remember another phone based dating app called ‘Coffee Meets Bagel’ that I downloaded last weekend and which has provided me with 2 matches so far.  1 I met last night and 1 is currently annoying the hell out of me with text messages.  I never activated my ‘Our Time’ profile, so that doesn’t count.  So let’s see, I’m on 4 apps right now.

Is that too many?  I honestly don’t think it is or that I’m fast tracking anything.  Do I want to meet someone?  Hell yes!  Am I willing to settle?  Uhm, no.  Do I get attached MUCH too quickly to men that I don’t yet really know?  Sadly, yes, but it happens very rarely as I usually swing towards the other end of the spectrum and don’t feel a connection with most.  Am I okay being alone?  Well, my friends, that is the true question.  And I don’t really have an answer for that these days.

So here are the facts: She’s on one site and has had met 1 man this year.  I’m on four sites and have met 8.  We’re both still single.  Who’s way is right? As we all know my favorite thing in the universe to do is to overthink things (2018 resolutions be damned), she now has me wondering …….

 

****edited to add: before all the haters out there bash me for being ‘too picky’, I assure you, I’m not.  While I don’t have one of those dreaded ‘lists’ that I expect men to meet, I DO expect to feel the slightest desire to kiss or be kissed by one of them****go about your days now ❤

 

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Deleted …. And, What Did You Just Ask Me? May 22, 2017

I deleted my last online profile.  Again.  I also waved goodbye to Bumble.  Yes, Again.  I have neither the time nor inclination to do the online dating ‘dance’ right now.  To give you an idea, here are the last 3 interactions I’ve had with online guys:

Bachelor #1: Hi, what are you doing tonight?

Me: Going to an outdoor concert with a group of friends, You?

Bachelor #1: I’m in Costa Rica.  Who are you going with?

Me: Oh, well you win!  I hope you’re having an amazing time.  I’m going with a group of friends that I go with every year.

Bachelor #1: Do I know any of them?

Me: What the fuck?! We’ve never met, how would I know?  Uhm, I have no clue if we have any friends in common

Bachelor #1: I know, LOL

end scene……….

Bachelor #2 is the one that I met last Monday.  He texts me Friday morning to see if I was in town this weekend, as I’ve been away the past 3 weekends.  I let him know that I actually AM in town this weekend!  And then nothing …….. nice.  The most annoying part is that, just for a millisecond, I allowed myself to get a little excited that he wanted to see me again.

Bachelor #3 texts me with ‘hello beautiful’ about every 3 days while making no effort or mention of ever actually meeting.  2 days ago he sent me a flower emoji.  Today he sent me a ‘thinking of you, Grey Goose’.  I will NEVER understand the ‘penpal’ mentality of so many people online.  If I want to text one liners with someone twice a week, I can do that with friends.  Why go on a dating site if you never want to meet?

So, for now, I will stick with getting my butt in gear for that big change that I mentioned a post or two ago and not worry about men.  Or boys, as the case may be….

 

Don’t Ask What You Don’t Want To Know… May 17, 2017

I’ve long subscribed to this way of thinking. Also known as ‘bury your head in the sand’. I’ve almost perfected it. Almost. Not always the best way to go about (or not go about as the case may be) things. On my never ending quest to evolve and stop being such a whiny baby, I am trying to be an adult about some thing. Just some. No need to panic.

Remember Repo Man? The seemingly great guy from Bumble that I never actually met? The one who started a ‘relationship’ with (aka, slept with her) the day before we were supposed to meet? The one who checked in on me the entire time he was dating said train wreck? The one who, when he broke up with said train wreck, told me that he wanted to meet but wasn’t quite ready yet? The one who, when he was ready, and after several phone calls, proceeded to cancel our 2nd date due to his dad being sick never to be heard from again? Yeah, that one.

It’s been bugging me as to what ever happened. Yes, I know, but I am apparently no longer the gal that didn’t give a shit what guys thought and knew that if a guy passed me up, that it was his loss and not mine. Damn.

As neither of us ever unmatched the other on Bumble, we could both see that the other was still on there. He even changed his profile photo about a month ago. What? He’s right there, on my home page! Anywhoo, today is the day I figured I would ask. Couldn’t hurt, right? Yes, I know “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”. I always kind of knew in the back of my mind that he was playing with me. That I was his Plan B. I joked about it, until I realized it was true. Oh. Shit.

So I texted him today asking what ever happened. And he told me. And although I know full well that it had nothing to do with ‘me’, it still made me feel like shit. He apologized for being a flake. He apologized for not contacting me. He apologized for not following through. He claimed that he didn’t want to take me on the ‘roller coaster ride’ that he was on. I LOVE roller coasters! Well, not the emotional ones.

He has been ‘off and on’ with his ex. The ex that I counseled him on. The one that he said was thoughtless and self-centered, yet gorgeous. The one that he absolutely didn’t see a future with. You know the 1st fucked up thought that came to my mind when reading this? Well, why wouldn’t he call me during one of his ‘off’ times? How messed up is that?! I know full well that I should thank him for not dragging me into his indecision, but instead I wondered what it was about me that made him (and so many others) decide that I wasn’t even worth exploring? Damn, I hate days like this ……

 

I Think I’m Dating A 13 Year Old Girl May 16, 2017

No, not really, but I knew that would get your attention. 😉 As is my new MO when writing a post, I justify my absence as ‘nothing interesting going on’.  This time, however, I have not written in a while because I have A LOT going on.  Big changes are in the works.  BIG.  Not ready to divulge the details as of yet, so for now, I will update you on the average 49 year old’s adventures on Bumble.  I have 3, count ’em, 3 whopping bachelors to fill you in on.

As the universe, and several select big mouthed friends have suggested (and by suggested, I mean they full on insult me and think nothing of it), I need to expand my horizons when considering men.  As I’ve explained umpteen times before, I am open to all sorts of men.  Tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, cute ones, not so cute ones, quirky ones and just about every other option out there.  Oh, aside from incarcerated.  Or drug addicted.  Oh yeah, or smokers.  Sorry, not kissing an ashtray.  I really do care more about personality, kindness and intelligence more than looks.

Anywho, bachelor #1 is sweet as can be.  We have a lot of personality traits in common.  He’s smart and considerate and kind.  He also sends me at least one selfie a day.  Uhm, what?  I don’t understand that.  I don’t take, nor do I send, selfies.  As we’ve already met in person, I know what he looks like.  I can’t quite figure out the thought process behind this constant influx of selfies.  After the first couple, I responded with ‘cute’ or ‘love that shirt’.  After the 10th, I just don’t respond anymore.  It’s just weird.  I don’t know what to say.  They’re all PG, mind you, but still.  We met last Monday for cocktails and he was as cute and interesting in person as I expected him to be.  He was also every inch shorter than me that I feared.  As in six.  Six inches.  (*insert that’s what she said joke here) SIX INCHES shorter than I am.  Can’t do it.  He is almost literally half my size in every regard.  I hope he understood my ‘friend vibe’, but I fear he didn’t.  He even toasted to ‘new friends’ when we met.  That tells me he gets it.  The deluge of selfies and ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts however, does not.

Bachelor #2 I think I am going to opt out of meeting.  He too likes to send selfies.  He too is shorter than me (but only by 3 inches).  He also seems exceptionally self involved and keeps telling me how awesome a friend and person he is.  Okaaaaaay.  Contrary to popular belief, I do actually think the best of people until they prove me wrong.  I do feel that people that announce certain traits of theirs are a bit disingenuous.  Why would you announce that you’re not a player?  Why would you announce that you’re an amazing friend?  Why would you announce that you’re very protective of all your 437 female friends?  Maybe it’s just me, but I think those that feel the need to announce how amazing they are, usually aren’t.  We also have a mutual acquaintance in common.  He thinks she’s awesome.  I think she’s a complete shit-show.  I’m just not getting a good ‘feel’ for this one.

Bachelor #3 I met last night and he is every bit as handsome as I had hoped.  He’s also every bit of his 6’2″ height.  I’ll tell you more about this one as I figure it out! 🙂

 

Last One December 16, 2016

Filed under: internet dating — Grey Goose, Dirty @ 1:04 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Maybe.  Maybe not.  I do think it will be though.  Kinda.  Oh well, it’s my blog so I get to whine write about whatever I want.  Incessantly.  You’re welcome.

Remember that awesome message I found on FB that had been hidden away for 4 looooong years?  The one where one of TD’s exes informed me of all the less than flattering lies and untruths that he shared with her about me and our non-relationship?  Yeah, that one.  In true GG style, I immediately penned a scathing e-mail to TD.  And then didn’t send it.  But did proceed to edit it for over a month.  I wavered back and forth between completely annihilating him for being so disrespectful and making me look like a fool after all I’d done for him and toning it down to just a semi pathetic plea with many ‘why would you do that’s’ that make me sound like the pathetic sap I was back then thrown in for good measure.  I opted out of sending anything (but of course kept a draft of the message just in case).

After I was informed of the impending nuptials between TD and the Lunch Lady though, I rethought sending it.  A different version of it.  One that wasn’t pissed or whiny or pathetic or neurotic (what? who am I?).  One that pretty much just stated that although he never gave me the closure that I deserved, that I somehow found it myself.  I learned that I don’t need to know ‘why’, I just need to accept.  That I had let go of all the anger and resentment that I had towards him (and we all know that there was a lot) as all that negative energy was draining and serving absolutely no purpose.  That I was truly embarrassed that it took me sooooo long to be able to move on.  That it was easier for him as he wasn’t left with so many unanswered questions.  I was writing it for my own benefit, not his.  What I wanted to tell was how he pretty much destroyed my self confidence and turned me into a basket case for the better part of two years (okay, 4, but who’s counting?), but I didn’t.

I could have absolutely written a scathing message that would have reduced him to tears (he is a crier, did I ever tell you that?) but that would serve no purpose other than to make me look (and feel) like a petty mess.  The draft I ended up with was well thought out, pointed out a few important thing, thanked him for teaching me much (didn’t need to specify if it was good or bad that I learned).  I made sure he knew how much he hurt me and how unfair it all was but I also accepted my fair share of the blame.  The thing is, although I could never look back clearly on things and always saw a skewed version, I can now.  I see and remember it all.  I was no angel.  I wasn’t blameless.  I was, however, undeserving of what transpired or how he played with my emotions.

I wished him well with the Lunch Lady (which, let’s be honest, I didn’t really mean) and for all that I learned via our relationship and the shit show that ensued.  I did, of course, let him know about the letter I received, as well.  I didn’t say who it was from or mention any details, but I did tell him that she had much to say regarding things that he told her (and presumably others) about me & ‘us’ and that I believed all that she told me as it ‘fit’.  Much of what she told me he said about me were things that he told me about her.  Nice.

I didn’t expect a response from him.  And I didn’t get one.  Giving me the closure I needed and doing the right thing aren’t really his strong suits.  And then on day 5 after sending it, there sat a response in my filtered file that any message of his would go to so that I wouldn’t have to see it in my inbox.  It was long, it was nice, it was well worded and it explained his side of things. Always his side.  It confirmed what I have always thought.  TD is not an awful human being.  He’s just clueless and highly misogynistic.  He only sees things from his vantage point, but has no clue that’s what he does.  He really thinks he’s doing what’s best for everyone.  Uhm, no.  I remember it all now.  How he truly feels a ‘white lie’, instead of being a completely victimless lie such as ‘sure, I loved the movie’ when you really didn’t is something much more self-serving.  He cautioned me not to believe everything I read.  That some things were said due to the ‘situation’ and in order to pacify the person he was speaking to so not to take things out of context.  So, in essence, TD’s perception of a ‘white lie’ is to lie to someone about someone else so that he can pacify the person present while totally throwing the other person (me) under the bus and making them look like a fool and humiliating them.  He really feels that since the 2nd person isn’t present and can’t hear what is being said about them, that it’s okay.  I always had suspicions that this is what he was doing regarding me.  He always denied it and I always felt like I was just being paranoid and insecure.  I didn’t listen to my instincts (or ALL of you that warned me about what was going on).  I get it now.  4 f*ing years later.  I truly get it. It wasn’t all my fault.  I wasn’t crazy.  My paranoia and confusion as to why his ex wife, among others, had such issues with me and consistently accused me of using the kids to get to TD, was finally explained.  They DID think that was what I was doing because while TD was stringing me along and telling me one thing, he was telling others a completely different version of reality.  His reality.  Which really isn’t reality at all.  He always swore he wasn’t doing this.  That he always had my back and was defending me.  He wasn’t.

Anyway, back to his response.  He basically took little responsibility for anything, explained that things said were for ‘everyone’s benefit’ and displayed a level of ‘it wasn’t me’ that would truly rival and impress any given 10 year old.  He’s not a bad man.  He thinks he’s doing the right thing (god I hope he does, otherwise that would make him a monster).  He likes to avoid conflict and confrontation.  He thinks that by telling his version of ‘white lies’, everyone is better off.  He’s so misguided in this belief that I’m amazed I couldn’t/didn’t want to see it for so many years.  Although I was fairly certain that all the ex girlfriend had told me was true, it was TD’s response/explanation that truly convinced me that all she wrote was true.  It perfectly displayed quintessential TD; sweet and kind, while talking in circles and trying to justify the unjustafiable.  Always putting his interests at the forefront but claiming to be doing it for someone else.  I actually remember having discussions with him where his logic would render me speachless and I would just sit and stare as it was unfathomable to me that someone could think along these lines and think they’re doing the right thing.

He thanked me for being there for him during a really bad time in his life (why the hell does it seem like I keep ‘fixing’ these guys that are hurt by previous women so that they can dump me and move on to the next woman who gets to enjoy the shiny new repaired version?).  He wished me well.  While not really taking any responsibility for anything (I didn’t expect he would), he ‘explained away’ all my concerns.  The thing is, I can now see that his ‘explanations’ are just excuses and always were.  I think I stated before that TD is the most loyal man in the universe, but only to 1 person at a time.  That person was me for a while.  And then it wasn’t.  It’s actually very sad that a man his age has so few ‘tools’ to deal with grown up emotions and responsibility.

Of course I spent the better part of the next 2 days re-reading old blog posts.  Both a blessing and a curse to be able to do that.  There were SO many good times.  And then so many bad times.  I did learn a lot via all of this.  I learned to be more open (ish) with people.  If I’m unsure of something, just ask instead of 2nd guessing everything.  To be more honest with my feelings.  If I would have just asked TD what the hell we were doing way back then, I could have avoided the next year of uncertainty and heartbreak.  I didn’t ask, because I was afraid of the answer that I might hear.  Who knows?  If I would have just asked, maybe we’d be in a different place right now (not to mention back then).  Maybe not, but it certainly couldn’t have turned out any worse than it did…..

Anyway, I think I’m done.  I don’t think he ever truly remembered all that he did/said to me back then.  I don’t think he remembers that he loved me (or at least that he told me he did).  He certainly doesn’t remember later telling me that he only said that because he hadn’t met many women yet.  WTF?! I truly think he believes his own lies.  *sigh*  That’s okay.  I’ve moved on.  Finally.  It wasn’t my fault.  I can stop blaming myself for the shit-show and downward spiral.  I can look back at the fun and laughter and not be sad.  Well, not that sad. I can be forever grateful that he introduced me to his amazing children and that I still get to be a however small part of their lives. I can realize that it wasn’t meant to be.  That I deserve better.  That I’m worth it.

Now, where the hell is my ONE!!??!!

 

Reality Check November 30, 2016

Before you all two think that my entire dating life has turned around and is going swimmingly, I feel the need to remind you that this is, of course, ONLINE dating, so there will always be those clueless people that make you scratch your head and wonder how they have survived so long.  Here’s just a couple while I work on my next actual date post! *oooh, the suspense*

Tilted Kilt: chatted a bit on Bumble.  Didn’t have much in common but what the hell, right?  He suggested we meet.  I agreed.  He suggested that we meet at Tilted Kilt.  I disagreed.  For those of you not having had the pleasure of experiencing a Tilted Kilt, it’s sort of an upscale Hooters.  Except that the uniforms are smaller.  Much smaller.  And the waitresses’ boobs are lifted to just about 2″ below their chin.  He didn’t understand why I wanted to go somewhere else, so I explained, simply, that I am not a guy.  Duh.  We never actually ended up meeting.  No great loss.

Clueless: to recap, on bumble the girl swipes left or right to signify interest.  If you swipe right on someone who has also swiped right, you are able to communicate.  So I swiped right.  He apparently swiped right.  I sent a quick (and boring) ‘Hi, you came up as a match today so I wanted to say hello’ blah, blah.  He writes back and the conversation goes something like this:

him: huh, I don’t remember ever seeing you before or swiping right

me: that’s very flattering

him: oh, sorry, I didn’t mean that

him again: but I don’t remember seeing you at all

me: nice of you to apologize, but then you said it again….

mutual: unmatch …

There have been a few other ‘interesting’ matches, but I will save those for another day.  Stay tuned for date #2 recap with 007!

 

007 November 29, 2016

So now I have the ‘what if’ in the back of my mind regarding Repo Man.  That sucks.  What ifs always measure up (in my head) better than reality.  Super.

While I was texting with Repo Man, another interesting fellow started chatting me up on Bumble.  He was funny and tall and kind and had yet another fascinating job!  2 in a row with occupations that fascinate me?  That’s crazy talk!

Anywhoo, 007 locks down a 1st date pretty quickly and as my motto is usually oh crap, another 1st date ‘why not?’ I agreed.  He was very cute about it in not wanting to tell me anything about it.  Er, you all (the 2 remaining) know that my usual MO is to meet for a drink.  No fuss, no muss & a quick escape if need be.  007, however, had a whole ‘plan’ for the evening.  Okay, I’m game.

The one hint he tells me is to ‘wear comfortable shoes and bring rubber bands’.  Uhm, what?  I can’t decide if this is cute or just creepy and heaven knows I hate not being able to figure something out.  Is he going to drop me in the desert and make me follow a tracked course out?  Is he going to rubber band my mouth shut so I can’t entertain him with my snarky humor?  Is he going to spend the evening doing that annoyingly painful rubber band flicking thing?  I was so ridiculously confused by this that I actually googled ‘comfortable shoes and rubber bands’ to try and figure it out.  That was absolutely no help as it just took me to running shoe websites.  Damn.

The day of arrives and he finally tells me where we’re going but NOT why on earth I need to bring rubber bands.  Colored ones, you know.  I show up to where we are meeting complete with colored rubber bands and a suspicious attitude. He shows up (5 minutes late) and has a great big smile on his face!  He’s just a HAPPY good guy!  We had a great time talking and walking and learning about one another.  He’s very easy to talk to.  I’m just not sure that the chemistry is there.  We went to dinner after (look at me breaking all my rules!) and he locked down date #2.  I loved that.  No “will he or won’t he” internal monologue.

He picked up the check for both activities and we hugged goodbye.  There was a date #2 …. but I’ll tell you about that later.

Oh, and those rubber bands?  We made bracelets out of them!  How cute is that?!